All comics by DJMat

 

by DJMat
12-07-03
John, we can't have any more anal sex... I realized that I'm not gay. Also, we need to stop with the anal beads and rimjobs.
Is this a racial thing?

 

by DJMat
12-07-03
So you're saying you're not gay... what about all the ball-chewing and ass-eating and our gay marriage!
WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS WE ADOPTED AND THE AIDS YOU GAVE ME AND THE TIME I WENT TO THE HOSPITAL FOR ANAL RECONSTRUCTION!?!?
Can I borrow a dollar?

 

by DJMat
12-07-03
I am Jesus! I died for your sins so that your soul might be saved!! WORSHIP ME OR BE CAST INTO THE FIREY DEPTHS THAT IS HELL!!!
I'm a robot, I don't have a soul...
I like watching animal porn.

 

by DJMat
12-07-03
I wanna see some titties!!
No, chuck, you know that's too much stimulation, I can only handle titties!!
SUPRISE!
OOOOH ... I hope no one sees the stain on my leg plate
Come on, let me lick it off!!

 

by DJMat
12-07-03
Hello my good man. Let me have two of your finest cigars!
Sorry, we don't serve your kind here.
Well, isn't that ironic?

 

by DJMat
12-07-03
I got thrown in here yesterday for having sex with an underage girl.
You never asked her how old she was?
I did, but I guess I heard her wrong. When she said, "PLEASE STOP, I'M ONLY 12", I thought she said, "LET'S HAVE SEX I WON'T TELL THE COPS."

 

by DJMat
12-07-03
Hmm... a freshly dead girl. Her corpse is only slightly decayed. Maybe I can get lucky!
Yo man, stop checking out my girlfriend!
That's one lucky guy.

 

by DJMat
12-07-03
Jenny, what's your favorite part about sex? I love it when the guy first takes his shirt off and you get to see his abs...
I love when my dad takes the blindfold off and lets me look at him when I have sex.
I'm gonna go watch vampire porn.

 

by DJMat
12-07-03
What should I do today?
I know!!! I'll go check the mail!
Dear Ferdinand, I have fallen in love with someone else ...
... I no longer find your blue shirt and bald head attractive. I found someone with actual arms and legs, not just your stupid lines ...
... I hope you can forgive me. You know I'll always love you and cherish our crazy nights and lazy days. ---------------Love Dad
Well, I guess there's only one thing to do. Return to my career as Zarkon, The Engineer of Pain!!!

 

by DJMat
12-15-03
Why did I cross the road?
I love this stool

 

by DJMat
12-19-03
Stacy, we need to talk about our relationship.
Why, is something wrong?
Kind of... let's see, how can I put this...
I have two lists: one list is for people that I want to murder in a bloody and violent rage while at the same time killing myself to numb the unbearable pain of being with them in the first place...
...the other list is for people named Bob. You're on one of those lists.
Does this mean I can have my Ricky Martin CD back?

 

by DJMat
10-11-04
Look honey, I'm not fat anymore. I just lost 25 pounds for you! Aren't you proud of me?
Not really... would you be proud of me if I just got out of jail for serial manslaughter?
Wouldn't you be happier if I were never in jail at all?
When I die and go to hell, will you show me around?
Sure, I'll be the BMOC.

 

by DJMat
12-07-05
Last night I had sex with this girl, but I think she was autistic.
What, does she make oil paintings or something?
No you're thinking of dyslexic people.
Aren't those the people that bag my groceries?
No those are Jews.
Get me a dental dam I'm going to find me an autistic girl.

 

by DJMat
12-07-05
I went into Starbucks yesterday and people were giving me dirty looks.
America is racist.
Seriously, can't a guy go into a Starbucks wearing a jacket made of dynamite anymore?
Next they'll start expecting black people to be literate.
I'm going to go not shower for a week.
Do you have any crack? I'm black.

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