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retard


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by retard
11-20-04
There was this man (Larry) who had the biggest nose in the known universe. Children used to ride it to school. One day I lost my car keys in his nose. So, like any other patriotic American, I stuck my
hand in Larry's left nostril and began rooting for my beloved car keys. Larry then noticed me up his nose and asked what was up. I told him the sad tale of my lost car keys. Then Larry said: "But you
don't have a car." I said "Yeah, but I still have the keys for one." Larry nodded and the keys flew out of Larry's nose and into my hands. "Wow!" I said "How did you do that?" "I have....
super-natural powers that no man can handle with 100% of his brain." said Larry. I asked "What else can you do?" he answered "I can turn diet pepsi into regular pepsi." "Really?" I asked....
"Yes, but only on Tuesdays." said he. Then there was a very long, awkward silence. Larry looked uneasy when he said "Uh, well, I better get going. I got stuff to do." "Me too." I said. We both left...
and I never saw Larry again, but we both became better men after that day. I became a hippo farmer and Larry became a hippo. I take care of him. He's a good hippo. The End!

by retard
11-20-04
I was skanking down the street one hot winter's morn when I spotted a naked hobo arguing with a shopping cart. And I think the shopping cart was winning. I tried to escape the hobo's vision, but he...
already saw me, grabbed me and said "you think you better than me?" and I said "Yes, because I'm not a smelly hobo!" The hobo said "Neither am I! I am the queen of Norway!" Then he started dancing....
around the parking lot. I laughed, but the hobo didn't like being mocked so he beat me to death until I died. Then he continued to beat me for several more hours. I went to heaven and met God.
God was a giant indian who could turn into a wolf. We hung out, threw back some brews, and watched wrestling. Then he told me that it wasn't my time yet and that I was going to reincarnate as....
my twin brother who is exactly like me in every way possible. Me and God exchanged e-mail adresses then I was on my way back to earth. I found my way back to the hobo and threw him off a cliff.
He later wrote an album about that experiance and made millions. As for me, I found my old dead body and made love to it. I was great. so was I.

by retard
11-20-04
I was watching a Family Matters marathon in my underpants when I was interupted by the sound of a bunch of German midgets practsing for cheerleading try-outs. "This can't be!" I told myself.
And with that, I filled water ballons with fire ants and hurled them at the German midgets who screamed in horrible pain. I began to dance in victory. But the German midgets used there heavy creams...
and they were as good as new. They were ****ed so they murdered my whole family for revenge. That meant war! I had a great plan to get back at them. I ordered a bunch of pizzas to their adress. When..
I saw the dumbfounded looks on their ugly faces, I laughed until I lost control of my bodily functions. Until I discovered that the German midgets accepted the pizzas with a smile and gobbled them up
like little piggies. Good thing I had a plan B: I topped the pizzas with Kill-German-Midget-Mushrooms, which were quite delicious (not to German midgets though) And in a matter of seconds....
all the German midgets were dead. Then I awoke in a cold sweat. It turned out to be a dream all along......Or was it?......Yes. Yes, it was.

by retard
11-20-04
The story begins with Don Rickles standing alone in a field of wheat. Just him and his thoughts. Then he is suddenly surrounded by a herd of deadly ninja clones. Don Rickles stands his ground....
grasping his katana tight. Then one of the ninjas blinked and Don Rickles runs up to him at the speed of light and punches him so hard that everyone in Bosnia felt it. Then every single ninja clone...
comes running after Don Rickles, brandishing their many weapons and screaming like mad. But Don Rickles was way too powerful to be defeated by 500 blood-thristy murderers....
He kicked on ninja in the genitals so hard that his eyes popped out of his head, shot around the world and hit him right in the back of the head. It felt way too gross for him to continue so he left..
Then one ninja came at Mr. Rickles with a spinning kick of death, but Rickles blew his head up just by looking at him hard enough. After kicking after kicking rump for another 9 minutes, the ninjas...
fled and Don Rickles celebrated by treating himself to a moon pie and masturbating on a dead dog. And that's how the west was won. The End!

by retard
11-20-04
I was sauntering down the street on Martin Luther King Jr. day when a man stopped me in my tracks and asked me for the time. I told him that time didn't exist....
and it was only a state of mind to man. The man apologized and forgave me for his ignorance by giving me a back rub. It was so relaxing. I never wanted it to end. But then I noticed that....
I was holding up traffic. A man in a jeep was honking at me. He had to rush his pregnant wife to the hospital of something. I don't know. I wasn't listening because I was taken over by the music....
I started moving around with the beat. I called it: dancing! I danced and danced for over six hours. Which was odd because it was only a 3 minute song and the jeep was long gone. I sat on a tuffet....
and checked my feet. They were covered with big, bloody blisters. I began to rub them. It was horribly painful, but I couldn't stop. I rubbed them faster and faster until I moaned like a water buffalo
My nipples got so hard that they popped out of my muscle shirt and stabbed a dog in the face. Then he looked at me, as to ask "Why?" There was a long pause. Then I farted and we both laughed. The End!

by retard
3-26-04
This happened in 800000000000000 B.C. I was walking down the street one day, counting all of the ugly people I saw. Then, out of the darkness came MikeyG. He was wearing live woodchucks!
I twas all: one of those is not a woodchuck! one's an over-sized hampster! Well, Mikey was so angry that he ripped off his massive boner and threw it at me! I dodged it and it hit and blew up a blimp.
The blimp was full of honour students, cripples, puppies, and three old ladies. MikeyG was sent to jail and was anal sexed countless times! I thought it was funny. So I went: huh! huh! huh!
But since MikeyG had super ultra hearing caused by gamma rays, he heard me all the way from Rhode Island. So he digged his way out of jail and came to take revenge on me! He knocked on my door.
I used my x-ray vision to look through the door. The only problem was that I didn't have x-ray vision. But I tried too hard and my eyes popped out. MikeyG laughed, ****d me, then went on his way.
(MikeyG sucks elephant **** and then washes it down with elephant ****)

by retard
3-19-04
I was riding in my car one day, cruising for ladies. Then I finally realised that I don't have a car and I've been riding a fat lady all this time. Well, to tell you the truth, I was embarassed.
She looked over to me and licked her lips. Then I licked her lips. They tasted like pork rinds. She took a bite out of my torso and swallowed it while looking at me. That was very awkward.
I kicked the fat lady in 3 of her 5 chins. A couple of small children fell out. The children started dancing like mad. It looked weird because no music was playing. So I started to make a beat.
I went: "ticka-ticka boom-boom ticka-ticka boom. ticka-ticka." The small children suggested I played some folk music. I said no and slayed the small children with a broad sword.
I forgot the fat lady was there. She did too and thought she was a leprechaun. She thought I took her gold so she put a curse on me. And since she wasn't a real leprechaun, the curse had no effect.
(I like tying up french girls and then farting on them)

by retard
3-15-04
This tale is about my cousin Goober. He kept a large quanity of ox blood in his garage....But that's entirely irrelevant. Goober was also a leprechaun. That's irrelevant, too.
He had 3 *****es. One where it should be and the other two was on his back and his chin. This information is also irrelevant. Another irrelevant thing about Goober was that he had 12 wives.
He never showered and he uncontrollably yodels while masturbating. Those two pieces of information are yet again, irrelevant. And he shoots crows for fun. Irrelevant.
He went missing for a 6 year period and was found naked, living with woodchucks. Irrelevant? Yes. As a matter of fact, everything I said during this whole story is irrelevant.
Anyway, long story short, he defeated the evil ninjas and saved the world yet again.....Man, I'm hard.
(The things I say in this last panel are irrelevant)

by retard
2-10-04
I was eating pudding once. Then an African elephant came up, slapped the pudding out of my hands and challenged me to a sword fight. I said no and walked away to get a g**** slurpee.
After I bought the g**** slurpee (which was delicious) the African elephant came up to me again, slapped the slurpee out of my hands and challenged me to a sword fight once again. I said no again.
Then I went home to wank off to Home Improvement. After halfway to orgasm, the African elephant kicked down my door, slapped my boner out of my hands and insisted that we sword fight. I said no again.
I kindly asked the elephant to **** off and to suck my ****. For some reason he got mad and threw peanuts at me. So I threw Rossanne Barr back at him. The elephant's skin cells mixing with Rosanne's
...caused a chemical imbalance, and they both blew up. I was okay, but I lost both my arms and three ears....After all that, I went to Utah and ****d 11 penguins. hahahahaha!
(Who farted?)

by retard
2-07-04
I once ****ed a melon
i'm lying

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