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leildavid


latest comics from people Leil is following

by leildavid
3-19-07
My wife and I have been having some problems lately. We've had fights, and we've both gotten mad.
And I've slept on the couch, etcetera, but I've never had the urge to get on stage and say mean things about her.
And thus, I have concluded that Sam Kinnison's wife must have really really been a *****.

by leildavid
8-31-06
So, they decided that John Mark Karr guy couldn't have killed JonBenet Ramsey. That's nice. Personally, I didn't give a **** about this story when it was fresh.
I mean, sure, it's tragic, but really what difference does it make? What does it really matter who killed her?
She was a child beauty queen. She was already dead inside.

by leildavid
7-27-06
My wife and I fight. I consider it a sign of a good relationship. Dating couples that are all cutesy and never fight are doomed.
People see us fighting in public and they stare, like "If you two hate each other so much, why don't you get a divorce?"
But the truth is we're just secure enough in our relationship to know that we can have a fight over peanut butter and we're not going to get divorced over it.

by leildavid
5-02-06
I saw a guy on the train the other day with a scar on his face, running down from his forehead, over his eye, down to his cheek.
And he didn't look like he had an evil plan at all.

by leildavid
4-12-06
So, I'm sitting on the train, and there's this guy all the way at the other end of the train, and he's talking really loud. And first I'm like "What a ****."
But then I'm like "Well, that was a really culturally insensitive thing for me to think, I mean, black people are just loud."
And then I'm like "Holy ****, now that was a racist thing to think, I'm an *******!"
And as I'm having this whole internal struggle over what is and is not ok for me to think, the song on my ipod ends, and I can actually hear what he's saying clearly.
And the first thing I hear out of his mouth is "DO THEY GOT FRIED CHICKEN? BECAUSE I LOOOVE FRIED CHICKEN"
Here I am mentally berating myself for judging this man based on the color of his skin, and he's just diving right into the stereotype like Greg Loughainis.

by leildavid
3-24-06
I'm so paranoid about being racist, I constanly second-guess myself when I see a black celebrity on the street.
I saw Busta Rhymes walking down the street a while back, and I was like "Hey, that's Busta Rhymes."
And then I'm immediately like "No it's not you ****, you just can't tell the difference between two black people."
"Just because he looks like Busta Rhymes and he's got that beard and the tattoos and he's signing autographs for those kids."
"No, wait, it IS Busta Rhymes! All right, I'm not a racist!"
Now I've just got to move my wallet to my front pocket so his bodyguards don't mug me.

by leildavid
3-23-06
I watch the news a lot, and whenever something funny happens, like when Cheney shot that guy, I immediately start writing jokes about it.
But then I start thinking about it and I know Letterman and Leno and Conan are going to just beat it to death before I get any mileage out of it.
It's like you got picked to be in a Jenna Jameson 500-guy gangbang film, and then you show up and you're like 497 in line. You still might do it, but it's not going to be fresh.

by leildavid
3-15-06
My wife was on the Atkins diet for a while, and I don't trust that diet.
Because if there's one thing I remember from health class, it's "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But if you're on Atkins it's "An apple? Oh, no, do you know how many carbs are in an apple?"
"I'll just have some bacon, thank you. I'm watching my figure."
The other problem is, my wife's got a sweet tooth, so she eats a lot of sugarfree candy, and that sugarfree candy, it'll give you the toots somethin' awful.
I come into bed after my wife's been in there sleeping a while, I pull back the covers, and my face melts off.

by leildavid
3-09-06
My parents are hippies. I know they are hippies because I have seen them naked. A lot.
I'm not just talking accidentally saw mom getting out of the shower either. I'm talking camping trips in Idaho, we set up the tent by the lake and "Come on kids, it's skinnydipping time! Be free!"
I've seen my parents naked so many times it's like the wallpaper to my brain.
And as if that wasn't enough, my father is also an artist, and he painted a nude portrait of my mother.
The painting is 4 feet by 6 feet, and my mom's only 5'4".
And the painting is creepy too, because when you're in the room with it, the nipple follows like Jesus' eyes.

by leildavid
2-28-06
WARNING, THIS JOKE CONTAINS MATERIAL THAT ONLY TREKKIES WILL GET. IF YOU DO NOT KNOW WHO PLAYED THE GRAND NAGUS YOU MIGHT WANT TO SKIP THIS ONE.
A little part of me died when I realized that there would be no more Star Trek
And that day was the day I saw the first episode of Enterprise. I wanted so much to like it. Quantum leap had made me love Scott Bakula, and Jolene Blalock was hot. I was ready to beleive.
I knew Enterprise was going to be bad the first time I heard the theme song. I was so bad I had to laugh. I laughed so hard I dropped my Romulan Ale. There's still a blue stain on the carpet.

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