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mmyers


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by mmyers
11-13-08
I just got my 6 month review after my 10th month of being here.
What'd it say?
She said I needed to make more responsibility.
And what'd you say?
I told her I was responsible for gas being expensive, the war, and the Nutty Professor movies. I figure that's a pretty fair amount of responsibility.

by mmyers
10-28-08
I thought you said our lemonade stand would be swamped with business.
It should be. I don't get it.
I think it's the sign. It's bothering people.
Adults love it when kids misspell things on signs. They think it's cute.
"****-ry Timə Ləmon-AIDs 25ยข"
Maybe it's just getting too cold for lemonade.

by mmyers
10-23-08
Go to school, Joel. Learn something.
Dat's-a Rebecca de Mornay.
My nose pores are clogged. I could really use one of those strips that cleans them out.
Dat's-a nasal strip by Biore'.
I'm gonna eat ya!
Dat's-a Moray...eel.

by mmyers
10-23-08
So let me get this straight, I blow myself up and I go to Heaven and get a bunch of virgins?
Um, not quite. You get $300 in Allah Fun Bucks.
And what good will that do me?
There are all sorts of prizes you can get with Allah Fun Bucks. Just blow yourself up, you'll see.
Later, in Heaven...
I'll take the plastic spider ring...and the Rubix cube...and...oh man, I wish I could buy the clock radio.
Hey, if you're lucky, I'll reincarnate you and you'll get to blow yourself up again. Then maybe you can get that guitar on the wall.

by mmyers
10-17-08
Who the **** are you?
I'm your youthful charm and youthful good looks and youthful enthusiasm.
Where the **** have you been the last 8 years?
Well shucks, I got blunted by long work days, no vacations, psychotic girlfriends, and reality TV. But I'm back now and I'm ready to take up where we left off. Get back to our youth!
I'm drunk, aren't I?
Absolutely **** faced. Now let's try to **** a stripper and go get into a fist fight.

by mmyers
10-17-08
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP
Oh God, Oh God, Oh God--
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP
OH GOD, OH GOD, OH GOD--
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP
So are you close?!
Um, no, there's a ****roach on the table over there and it's distracting me. Could you smash it?

by mmyers
10-17-08
So did you get me anything?
For what?
For National Bosses' Day.
I know you're my boss and everything but the truth is, I never see you. I only see your name on emails. I hardly know you exist.
Just because you can't see my butt doesn't mean it doesn't like to be kissed.

by mmyers
10-15-08
OK, Doc, I'm having some problems seeing out of my right eye. I was wondering if you could take a look at it.
Wha...? Oh, you think I'm an Eye Doctor. Honest mistake.
If you're not an Eye Doctor, what are you?
I'm an iDoctor. Now hear me out. I can't fix your vision problems but I can install an iBall with a 5GB memory right in your eye socket.
All my favorite music and videos right in my eye? Cool, but I'm a little scared though. Is it a painful procedure?
The only painful part is where we put the click wheel but many of our patients have come to enjoy it and change songs often when they don't even have to.

by mmyers
10-15-08
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP
I'm not your 'lover', dude. I'm trying to save your life!
Relax, will ya? I'm just trying to get in character. Hey, grab a picture off Jane's desk, will ya?
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP
Why?
Because I need some inspiration.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP
From Jane?? You sick *******. I had no idea you had a crush on her.
WHAT?! No, jerk wad! Her daughter, not her. And grab the cheerleading picture and not her grad pic. She looks a little chubby in that one.

by mmyers
10-15-08
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP
Dilila's voice puts you in the mood to be jerked off by a coworker?
NO! I'm not sick, OK? It relaxes me. It puts me in a 'lovin' mood. You know? Now start jerking me because we're short on time.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP
*sigh* OK, OK, here goes.
Yeah, it's not quite doing it for me. Let me surf some material on the net to give me a boost. Dammit! They blocked all the porn sites!
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP
Dude, if we're going to do this, you cannot, I repeat CANNOT keep me appraised of how it's going, ok?
You're not a very attentive lover, you know that right?

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