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rickward


latest comics from people Shelley is following

by rickward
5-03-03
Help me, Doc. I got problems. People tell me I'm acting strange.
Well, how exactly do they think you're acting strange?
They say I act like I'm scared. I'm sad, then all of a sudden I'm chipper. I walk funny sometimes. Some days it seems like all I can do is lie in bed.
Do you feel like you're acting strange now?
Hold on... I have to blink five times before I answer any of your questions.
I see. I'm going to prescribe some Magic Wonder Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor pills.

by rickward
1-22-03
FADE IN on an elderly couple sitting at a table in a cafe. He tells a joke, she slaps her knee, they laugh long and hard. They're healthy, happy, and in love.
CUT TO playing in the pool with the grandchildren. Grandma is in her demure one-piece, showing off her gams. Grandpa raises his eyebrows impishly.
CUT TO Grandma, legs crossed, in a nightie on the bed. Grandpa, in his undershirt and boxers, closes the bedroom door on the audience. SUPERIMPOSE TITLE: VIAGRA
Ewww.

by rickward
1-20-03
Poor dad:
I can't afford that.
Rich dad:
How can I afford that?
My dad:
I can afford that, but you can't.

by rickward
1-04-03
You know, Rogers, when I get the equipment up to cruising, I like to relax and look at the clouds.
I know what you mean, Captain. Sometimes I like to try to see shapes in the clouds.
That one over there looks like a wrench.
And that one looks like another 747!

by rickward
12-27-02
Then Pete said the strangest thing, the boldest proposition. I didn't ask him to repeat his invitation. I simply rephrased what he asked me:
You wanna quesadilla? You want to go to dinner tomorrow night? Casa Miguel?
And he was so shy, he looked down and said,
Yeah, I guess.
I think Blue's got some cash so I ask him if he wants to go get a case of beer and he's so drunk he asks me if I want to have dinner with him tomorrow and I guess I'm drunk too and I say sure.
What the **** is he talking about? I'm confused as hell.

by rickward
12-26-02
Wow! A check from Grandma!
Wait a second... this isn't from Grandma, it's from her "Living Trust." What the **** is a Living Trust?
Hello?
Grandma! It's Rick! Just calling to make sure you're not in a coma!

by rickward
12-25-02
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the den,
Rick Ward was out seeing The Two Towers again.
Then Rick had eight pastries and passed out near the tree.
I don't feel so good, and that ain't a lie... I mean, uh, lee. Stupid poetry.

by rickward
12-21-02
Did you have to have layoffs right before Christmas?
Not exactly.
It had to be sometime before the holiday luncheon.
Brrr.
Now the company can afford chicken and beef.

by rickward
12-21-02
Let me get this straight... you fired John?
Correct.
And I'm taking on his duties in addition to mine.
Again correct.
With no raise in pay.
Let me get this straight... you want to be a highly paid, minimally skilled employee during layoffs?

by rickward
12-21-02
Hey John, I heard this awesome song the other day by this band called Sigur Ros. Do you know them?
Due to poor sales, we have to let you go. Please clean out your desk.
They're from Iceland, and they like don't have names for their songs, or even real words in their songs. Just like made-up ones.
Earth to Roger... the person you are talking to just got fired.

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