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by squidrabies
It is time.
Time for what, sir?
The rapture.
I understand, sir. All the true believers will ascend and join the kindgom of heaven. I'll give Jesus the heads up.
Wait, no. I meant get me pair of asian hookers.
Oh, that rapture. You know, if you want do this this every other week you should really think up a new code name. Like "The Japture" or something.

by squidrabies
How's everything going down there?
Not great, sir. People are still killing eachother in your name. Constantly. All over the place. It's pretty crazy. Suicide bombers, hate crimes. It's getting worse and worse.
So, how does that affect me legally?
You're clean as long as you don't prove your existence.

by squidrabies
So, what's on the agenda for today?
I've recieved a lot of prayers for you to answer.
But seriously.

by squidrabies
I created everything and everone, right? So that's not enough for them now?
Apparently not, sir. They'd like you to... you know... make things better.
Better than not existing? Don't they already have that?
Specifically, they're not too excited about cancer. Or retarded kids. Or genocide.
I thought I gave them a sense of humor.
It's not quite as refined as yours, sir.

by squidrabies
So here's the deal. You like cheese, you spread diseases, you serve no purpose aside from feeding larger animals and pretty much everything is going to try to kill you all the time. Forever.
So... my advice, keep on your toes. Any questions?
Can I have a venomous sting or something? To even the playing field?
Hahaha. Sure. But yeah, no. You're food. Sorry, buddy.
Intelligent design is ****ing retarded.

by squidrabies
So what's all the hubub?
Are blacks and whites equal?
Equal to what?
You know, do you love one of us more than the other?
Like... do I love my cat more than my dog? Do I love my shower more than my toilet? Something like that?
You better not be calling me a toilet.

by squidrabies
I'm working on an assload of cooler planets right now. Make it quick.
Sorry, sir, but they seem to hate gay.
Hate gay? How do they hate gay? It pretty much means they can screw anyone they want.
They think screwing anyone is bad. Especially gay screwing.
Wait, wait... I thought you got that guy to write it in that book. About how banging dudes or chicks is totally cool by me.
Nowadays aramaic is a dead language. And the last few translators were complete *******s.

by squidrabies
We forgot to sing a christmas carol this year.
I don't know any christmas carols.
Let's sing "Do Me" by Bel Biv Devoe, except instead of "do me" we'll say "**** christmas in its cruel and hideous mouth until it's as dead as my inner child".
Smack it up, flip it, rub it down.

by squidrabies
Have you ever loved someone so much you thought you could die?
Was it me?
Did you say "thought" or "wished"?

by squidrabies
A cry for help!
It came from the park!
This looks like a job for....
Someone who cares!!
Patrick Swayze!?

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