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Meanwhile, back in Ferguson...
OMG, Godzilla!
Why did you destroy this wonderful city?
I had nothing to do with this... The people who live here did this. They burned down all the businesses because a white cop shot a black man.
That's ludicrous! Only morons would destroy the com-munity they live in to show the rest of America what peaceful, law abid-ing people they are.

I don't understand... My breasts are every bit as big as Phreaky's. Yet, all the men in the office drool over her, and no one gives me the time of day!
"Because, Phreaky's nice and you're a *****!"

So this is D.C., Mr. Soggybottoms...
Where the great leaders of this nation carefully craft the laws designed to enhance our lives.
Comes out loose!

It's a thankless job...
...dealing with everyone's ****.
People accuse me of bucking the system.
Oh, deer!

I have to hand it to you, Death...
When you said my life was over, I didn't know you'd be taking me to the great beyond on a cruise ship... What a beautifully serene way to go!
Actually, the ship is going to sink in an hour, and you'll be eaten by a shark... It's going to be extremely painful for you! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA...

Meanwhile in Ferguson...
When I heard the Police were using flame throwers to disperse the crowd, I was shocked! I mean, really? Throwing gay men at the rioters? How's that gonna worK?
I say, drop a ****load of job applications and they'll scatter like ****roaches!
I see your wife is still kicking your ass, Chen...

Mr. Invisible at happy hour...
I don't get it, Roger... I'm young, successful, and hip.
Yet, whenever I approach a beautiful woman, she doesn't give me the time of day!
That's because your invisible, doofus!
If, I can find it.

Because Melvin is unable to contain himself in public situations...
Hold it...
...he decided to take a social etiquette course from Armless Anders where he learns to hold in a fart indefinitely.
Hold it...
(Unfortunately, Melvin had Mexican the night before and his eyes eventually exploded from the massive build up of pressure.)
Hold it...

Who are you?
I am the coffee creamer fairy...
I'm here to put a dash of magic in your morning joe!
That's okay... I'm good.
Oh, PLEASE let me put some milk in your coffee... The pregnancy failed but my breasts are still sitting at 110% capacity. It's really hard to fly, and the sloshing sound keeps me awake at night!

Hey, guys...
WebMD says we just need to inject this purple **** into the gunshot victim and he should survive!
"You took too long, dumbass... The victim is already dead!"
Sorry... The WIFI connection in this part of town SUUUUUUCKS!!

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