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evil_d, somebody


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by evil_d
5-22-12
You are standing inside the temple in Jerusalem. Several moneychangers and other merchants are operating tables here. There are exits to the north, east, south, and west.
TALK TO MERCHANTS
The merchants are too busy to talk with you right now.
QUOTE SCRIPTURE TO MERCHANTS
I don't understand what you want to do with the merchants.
FLIP TABLES

by evil_d
5-09-12
Those Jerries think they've got us pinned down, but we ain't givin' up yet!
Johnson! Callahan! I want you to circle around and attack their flank, on the double!
And for the love of God stop looking like a pair of feet!

by evil_d
5-08-12
Dad, I still don't understand why we take the humans and insert tubes into their waste canals.
Well, we can't communicate with the humans, but we know they enjoy waste-canal insertion since we found two of them doing it in a field.
So now, every few months, we bring a chosen few up to the ship to further our mission of bringing them happiness and love!
I guess that makes sense. But why do we do it to the cows?
Surprised Moos Vol. 1 was a best-selling album for nine straight weeks!

by evil_d
3-13-12
My children, do not let scientists trick you into believing in dinosaurs. God planted those bones in the ground to test our faith!
I sure did! And man, you have no idea how funny it is to watch those guys spend their whole lives obsessing over a practical joke!
Er... my Lord? Is it really you? Have you come to earth to begin the Rapture, and summon the faithful to your side?
Eh, not exactly. I'm getting bored with this game, so I came to stir up some tornadoes and floods before I start over. Think I'll make frogs the dominant species!
Anyhow, if I were you guys, I'd buy umbrellas. I mean, you're screwed either way, but it might make you feel better. Toodle-oo!

by evil_d
2-07-12
My wife has always liked banjo music, so I got her a Sanford & Sons album for her birthday.
Uh... you mean Mumford & Sons?
No, I'm pretty sure it's Sanford & Sons. You know, that British group?
...has she listened to it yet?
♫ You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm coming to join ya! ♫

by evil_d
11-18-11
So I'm all "I need more power!" and Scotty's all "I canna give her more power!" but he totally could.
Ha ha! Isn't it just like a Scotsman to be so stingy?
JOHNSON! I'm surprised at you! I don't want to hear that kind of ugly talk on my ship again!
I mean, this is the 23rd century, for God's sake! We're prejudiced against Klingons and Vulcans now! Get with the program!
It won't happen again, sir.

by evil_d
11-03-11
My parents' generation saw a man walk on the moon. Mine may be the first to see space tourism. Our children may even get to live on other planets.
And what next? First contact? Before I die, will I finally know the answer to the age-old question of whether we're alone in the universe?
So what's the verdict on this rock?
Promising ecology, but no counter-gravity fields and no species with more than five senses. Let's mark it for follow-up in another million years.

by evil_d
10-31-11
Knock, knock.
Who's
MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
These days you have to start that one pretty early to get the jump on people.

by evil_d
10-31-11
Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One says, "Getting pretty hot in here!" The other says, "AAAAAAAAAAHH! A talking muffin!"
AAAAAAAAAAAHH! A talking crab!

by evil_d
10-31-11
Hey Crab, I bought a race car and painted a big red "S" on the side. Do you know why?
Tee hee! No, Snail, why?
Because "S" is the first letter of "Screw you, Crab! You stole my girlfriend and I hate you!"
I'll get around to painting the rest eventually.

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