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latest comics from people jes_lawson is following

by evil_d
Want to make sure you're on Santa's nice list, young lady? Give me your address and I'll double-check!
How about you, miss? Your phone number will work too!
Alright, Mr. Moore. You've been warned about this.
Who paid you to come here and do your job?? Was it the muslims? The sodomites?

Forget Santa's list... If, you want to be on the good list of Ol' Saint Dick, there's just one thing you need to do.
That one thing will keep your on Air Dick's good list forever.
Any guess what that one thing you need to do is?
Does it involve an air *******?

by kaufman
Santa must love doctors. My wife is a pediatrician, and she gets the most thoughtful and amazing gifts.
I don't know. Santa never brings my wife anything.
Is she a doctor too?
Yeah, an anesthesiologist.
That's odd ...
I guess I just have an unlisted number.

by kaufman
So 1944 was the only year Santa didn't bring you presents?
Well, there was also 1949, when he paid my parents and those of all the other children, and brought us to the North Pole instead.
Wow! Yuo got to go to Santa's place? How lucky!
It wasn't luck. He had switched his gift list with his shopping list and bought all the kids.
So what happened to all the presents? Where did they go?
Oh, you know. Cereal boxes, Cracker Jacks. There's a reason the guy's so chubby.

by kaufman
Grandma, did Santa bring you Christmas presents when you were a little girl?
He usually did. Except in 1944. That year, the only people who got presents were about a thousand Jewish adults.
Wow, that's strange. What did you do?
There wasn't much I could do. I and all the other children had to work in a factory in Central Europe until they straightened it out.
Straightened out? Why? What happened?
Apparently, Santa's list and Schindler's list had accidentally gotten switched.

by evil_d
I'm reviving the coal industry as fast as I can, Santa, but it's hard work!
I need more, you fat ****, MORE! So many people have been naughty this year!
But people are saying it's bad for the environment! They're switching to solar and wind power!
Damn your excuses! I can't shine a ray of sunlight into someone's stocking!
Just tell me this won't affect our agreement!
You'll get your new eastern European bride when I get my anthracite!

by evil_d
Hi Santa, it's Harvey Weinstein.
Lump of coal. NEXT!
Kevin Spacey here.
Loved you in House of Cards. Lump of coal. NEXT!
Matt Lauer, and before you say anything you should know that having lumps of coal shoved up my ass is my fetish.
Baseball bat with barbed wire wrapped around it. NEXT!

by ZMannZilla
Holy Cursewords Porkman! Santa is using YouTube's AI to sort his Naughty List!
Ah, then it makes sense why Porkman was on naughty list at bedtime and back on nice list the next morning.
How did you know that?! I thought Santa kept his Naughty List a closely guarded secret!
Yes, but Porkman hacked Santa's jolly old Packard Bell and discovered truth of the matter.
Wow, so you got on the Nice List after hacking Santa's computer TWICE?! YouTube's AI sure is broken!
It even put Santa on his own Naughty List. Christmas has been demonetized so we're all getting macaroni art.

by evil_d
Aren't you a little old to be visiting Santa?
The last time you told me whether I was naughty or nice was when I was six years old. I've gone eight decades without a moral report card and now I have no idea where I stand!
I'll probably die soon and I need to know where I'm going. Should I spend my remaining time in a flurry of virtuous activity?
Honestly, man, at this point what could you do to change course? To overturn a lifetime of good or bad acts?
I could tell the police where those kids' bodies are buried. That'd probably count for something.

by evil_d
As you know, Billy, "naughty" and "nice" are relative terms. It's okay to be a little naughty, as long as you're nicer than 50% of your peers.
This year you're exactly in that 50th percentile. So it comes down to tiebreakers.
"Tiebreakers"? Like what?
Total number of swear words used, kilowatt-hours of non-renewable electricity consumed, and length of time spent listening to anything by Chris Brown.

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