All comics by jw

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by jw
1-28-01
What is God?
God is dead.
What is the purpose of our existence?
Existence is a state of mind.
The human mind can debate endlessly.
Screw this, I'm off to find boobies.

 

by jw
1-28-01
I'm a prostitute and I'm ok...
I fuck all night and I sleep all day.
I don't have ticks, I don't have fleas ...
only that nasty case of gonnorhea.
But you can still fuck, right?

 

by jw
1-28-01
Next on "When Rabid Nympho Teenage Porn Stars Attack Cops..."
We'll meet an Asian temptress who raped, murdered, and then *ate* the entire 32nd precinct. You won't want to miss it!
Fox TV is some of my best work...

 

by jw
1-28-01
For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever shall believe in him should not perish, but have eternal life.
Fox Broadcasting Company.
Touche.

 

by jw
1-28-01
Moses .... MOSES!!!!
Uh ... I'm Jesus, Dad.
Oh ... have you seen Moses?
A few thousand years ago. A little help?
Moses would have never let himself be crucified.
Why can't you love me for who I am?

 

by jw
1-28-01
So ... we're supposed to wait here until we hear from the general?
Yes.
Why?
He's watching another Freddie Prinze Jr. movie.
I thought those movies were the reason we were destroying Earth.
That's what I was hoping when I enlisted.

 

by jw
1-28-01
So, how did you end up in this outfit?
I was drafted.
Me, too. You couldn't get out of it either?
I told them I was gay.
We're asexual.
Yeah, I hadn't really thought it through.

 

by jw
1-28-01
Do you want me to take this one too?
No, he's gay. Gay people aren't allowed in Hell.
Gay people aren't allowed in Heaven, either.
I know ...
But if he keeps quiet about it, he can get in on the "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

 

by jw
1-28-01
Ready ... set ... go!
OW!
*giggle*
So did I win?
No, I think I did.

 

by jw
1-28-01
I get so bored after an abduction.
I thought we abducted people because we were bored.
No, that's why we use the anal probe. We need something to pass the time.
I know what will cheer you up.
We have 2 Baldwins left.
Can't forget the anal probe.

 

by jw
1-28-01
Did you catch X-Files last night?
No. It sucks now.
They brought a new guy on. The morphing robot from T-2.
He sucks. It was much better with David Duchovny.
Then maybe we should let him go.
No. He's *my* alien hunter now.

 

by jw
1-28-01
... so I says to him I says I says "You can't use an anal probe for that, buddy. You have to go through the nose!"
Hahahahahahahaha!
Humans and their "anal probe" stories.
Tell me about it.
I used the anal probe anyhow.
And you were right to do it, too.

 

by jw
1-28-01
So let me get this straight ...
Ask away.
We're supposed to have flown all the way across the galaxy to destroy a puny planet that has nothing we need. We don't try to talk, negotiate, or learn from them.
You think that's bad? Tell me how I'm supposed to have built this spaceship! I've got no hands for the love of God!
I hate Hollywood gigs.
It's better than being unemployed actors. But only slightly.

 

by jw
1-28-01
*hmph*
Oh, come on. Don't be like that. Please talk to me.
*hmph*
I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I love you. We'll do it your way if that will make you feel better.
Really? You'll let me use the anal probe the next time we abduct someone?
Only if you promise to really hurt them this time. No more Ms. Nice Alien.

 

by jw
1-28-01
The way humans perceive us aliens is pretty funny.
I agree.
I mean, why do they think we'd be so different then they are?
Right.
Except for the grey skin and the big bulbous eyes, of course.
And the spaceship.

 

by jw
1-28-01
So did you watch the Super Bowl?
No, I was busy polishing my anal probe.
Uh...
For the human abductees, right?
I don't know if you can call Jeff Probst "human".

 

by jw
1-28-01
So the Ravens beat the Giants 34-7.
Yeah, Ray Lewis was MVP.
Unbelievable how you can get away with murder, literally, so long as you're good at playing with a pig's skin.
Agreed.
Sometimes I think destroying the Earth would be a blessing.
A mixed blessing. Who would we probe anally?

 

by jw
1-28-01
Thank you.
When you're right, you're right.
I doubt it. Have you seen the dummies around here?
People will figure it out.
Meanwhile, above the planet Earth...
Great, so now the whole strip will be backwards.
Oh, no! Another distortion in space time!

 

by jw
1-28-01
The AAG (Alien Actor's Guild) strike begins...
I refuse to do another anal probe joke.
Right on, brother!
It casts us aliens in an unsympathetic light.
We're far more complex beings than that.
Oh God! I really need to probe someone.
Truth be known, I would have done the probing for free.

 

by jw
1-28-01
Deep inside jw headquarters...
I can't believe all these letters.
Really. Lighten up, people.
Listen to this: "Anal probing is no laughing matter. Your comic strip demeans and degrades those of us who are anally probed on a daily basis by our extra terrestrial superiors."
Hey! I got the same one!
Signed, President George W. Bush.
Maybe we should tell Vice President Cheney not to bother. There's no intelligent life in Washington anyways.

 

by jw
1-29-01
Deep inside jw headquarters ...
Look, we got another letter of complaint about the anal probe jokes.
Jeez, I really wish these people would get off our case. If you don't like it, read something else.
"Your constant references to anal probing is indicative that you yourself would actually enjoy a good anal probe. Perhaps you are a homosexual."
Hmm, that logic reminds me of someone...
"Signed, Stockwell Day."
Well, look on the bright side. In a few weeks we'll be $800,000 richer!

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