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evil_d


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by evil_d
4-13-18
Well, that universe was a bust. I think I need to make the dominant species smarter.
Aye, that'd be a good start.
Wh— What are you doing here? You're supposed to be disappeared like the rest of existence!
Search me, mate. Last thing I remember is falling into the loo at the pub.
Oh, so that's where I left the other end of that portal.

by evil_d
4-10-18
Planet Earth was a sinking ship. I always said so. But I knew I could count on you to bring me aboard your two-person spaceship, Elon.
You forced me to at gunpoint. I wanted to bring a woman so we could restart the species.
Ah, women are overrated. All they do is lose their looks and then describe your ***** to everyone.
Hey, let's find that car you launched up here and take it for a spin.
Do you think oxygen is a Chinese hoax, or what?

by evil_d
3-29-18
So you're saying that a person can't escape the cycle of reincarnation until they balance out both their good and their bad deeds?
Yes. All the karma that one has accumulated, both good and ill, must be repaid.
So when this plane crashes, instead of going to heaven...
You will be reincarnated, due to all of the good karma you have earned from ministering to your parishioners.
That's dumb as ****.
Well, there might still be time to molest a kid or two if you hurry.

by evil_d
3-20-18
Companies getting their hands on my Facebook data and using it for nefarious purposes is the sort of thing I used to worry a lot about.
That was back when I had the sense to be ashamed of my personal data. Now my attitude is, if somebody sees my info, that's their problem.
Sir, we have data saying that 53-year-old meth-smoking horse-incest-porn enthusiasts from Terre Haute are overwhelmingly likely to vote Republican.
Do we have an algorithm that can make me forget I ever heard that?

by evil_d
3-19-18
I used to worry about fossil fuels and emissions and all that crap.
Then I realized—**** it. The planet's dying, we're dying. Only thing I get to choose is whether I go out behind the wheel of a Mustang or a Prius.
You don't have to die behind the wheel of a car at all!
Whaddaya think, was that bump just now a squirrel or a hobo?

by evil_d
3-14-18
Got any spare change?
No, but here's a lottery ticket. Hope you get lucky.
*POOF*
Wow, I won! Thanks mister!
Holy cow!
The next week:
Wait, what happened?
Invested it all in Bitcoin.

by evil_d
3-13-18
A judge has ruled that a woman who won $560 million in the New Hampshire lottery will not have to reveal her identity in order to collect her winnings.
The judge dismissed state officials' argument that publicizing winners' names is necessary to prove that the lottery is fair and has not been corrupted.
Good work, Ivanka. How many Facebook ads will that buy us?
Depends. Do we want to spring for ones that aren't obviously bull****?

by evil_d
3-09-18
After I won the lottery, all of my family members wanted me to give them handouts, like to fix their broken-down cars. I had plenty of money so I said sure.
Then I ran out of family members but I still had money. So I started finding strangers and paying to fix their cars.
Then I realized, I'm so rich I don't have to work anymore. Why should I pay someone else to fix people's cars?
So wait, you won the lottery and then started working as a mechanic?

by evil_d
3-09-18
Hi, I won the genetic lottery this week, here's my ticket.
Ah, yes, just a moment....
Thanks! Wanna go out sometime?
I don't know; have you also won the personality lottery?

by evil_d
3-05-18
Cherry... cherry... cherry!!
YAHOO!
I won!
You can take this job and shove it, boss!
This isn't a scratch-off lottery ticket. It's a sheet of scratch-and-sniff stickers.

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