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by kaufman
Now on to sports. Major League Baseball announced today that throughout baseball, August 7th will be Zika Virus Awareness Day.
All fans attending games that day will be treated with mosquito repellant upon entering the stadium.
And of course all of the mascots will have REALLY tiny heads.

by kaufman
Why are you talking backwards, Garfield?
Go hang a salami.

by kaufman
It is a true honor for me to accept this award. I remember all the hard work to develop a vaccine to fight the zika virus, and the joy in seeing its first success ...
Congratulations, Mrs. Acosta, it's a boy. And the vaccine worked. He has no signs of microcephaly whatsoever. In fact, quite the opposite.
Of course after that first attempt, we did manage to adjust the dosage.

by kaufman
You wouldn’t
what just

by kaufman
Most of the great authors were pretty infamous drunkards, but there were exceptions. O Henry's lips never touched a drop of alcohol.
He may have said that, but once I got him to have a drink solely by the power of suggestion.
Yeah, right.
No. really. We were having lunch in a place frequented by famous politicians, and I saw Hubert Horatio Humphrey and Herbert Hoover walk in.
So I said, "See H 3, see H 2, O. H." The rest is history.

by kaufman
What is this place?
Let me guess. You just got the new Google GPS device that can get you anywhere, took it on a road trip, and asked it for a good place to take a ****.
Uh, yeah. How did you know?
I was doing the same exact thing, on my way from Madison to Flagstaff, needed to take a dump, and it took me here.
Yup, exactly the same with me, except I was going across Pennsylvania. So just where are we?
Donald Trump's hair.

by kaufman
Last month I drove from Wisconsin to Arizona. Long trip, but a lot of fun.
Oh no, man, not the Wisconsin-Arizona route. I hear the restrooms along the way are terrible.
I wouldn't know. I drove across Iowa, Missouri, Kansas, couldn't pee, couldn't ****. Through Oklahoma, Texas, into New Mexico, nada.
That's awful! You must have been hurting.
You know it. Then finally a bit over an hour past Albuquerque, I went over this hill and everything just exploded out of me.
Don't tell me ... You hit the Incontinental Divide.

by kaufman
We begin tonight's news with the story of a blockbuster trade between the United States and the United Arab Emirates.
The US will be receiving the city of Dubai in exchange for Philadelphia and a river to be named later.
A spokesman says the US is excited to get this phenom city. Meanwhile, the Emirates say that they will rename Philadelphia to Abu Santaclaus.

by kaufman
There's a morals problem with our baseball team.
The gambling and drugs are one thing, but now they've taken it even further.
Yesterday I went into the locker room and caught the second baseman buggering the first baseman.

by kaufman
Write about something you see in nature.
An exceptional report!
Why, Knight?

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