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four_legged_tripod


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Stand.
Sit.
Kneel.
*garble*

Stand and kneel. Stand and kneel. Stand and kneel.
Stand and kneel. Stand and kneel. Stand and kneel.
I just had the weirdest dream that a priest was yelling our names at an old woman, Stan.
Neil, it was a bad dream. Now go back to sleep, lover.

Yo mama is so stupid
the only time she uses her iPad
is when she's menstrating.

Now that I'm the only person left on Earth, I'm so conflicted.
This is the first time in my life when there has not been a huge line just to get into a public bathroom...
but now, there's no one to go in with me.

Where have you been? I haven't seen you around lately.
I went to Chris Kelly's funeral.
The rapper from Kris Kross?
Yeah. It was open casket but you could not see his face.
He died of a drug overdose. There was no reason they would have to cover his face.
They didn't. He was wearing his casket backwards.

Can I help you?
I'm collecting money to help stop domestic violence. Would you care to donate a dollar?
I'm sorry, but not today.
But it's only a dollar.
I know, but the answer is still no.
LISTEN LADY, IF YOU DON'T DONATE A DOLLAR TODAY, I WILL BEAT YOU WITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR LIFE IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILDREN! UNDERSTAND?

Your parents are finally gone. We can now get back to some normalcy in our lives.
Did my mother say or complain about anything before she left?
She did say that the dog bit her.
Really?
Who's a good dog? You are. Yes you are a good dog.

This is NOT what I meant when I said I needed more Peter!

Would you like to give *******s to orphans?
To tell the truth, I've been keeping *******s from my husband. He keeps asking me for *******s but I know he gets plenty of *******s at work.
Needless to say, I've felt guilty about it and feel like I really need to give *******s to anyone I can. So sure, I'd love to give *******s to all the orphans!
Did I mention I'm an orphan?

Hi. I'm collecting **** for charity.
Sorry. I don't give a ****.
by four_legged_tripod, 4-29-13

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