I am a silly, silly man.

CC 215: Mouse on the street interview by mmyers 10-14-03

Little mouse, what are your thoughts about Bush and the CIA scandal, the Kobe Bryant Case, and the recent blackout? Bush leaked it, Kobe freaked it, they blinked it. And the sexual allegations against Arnold Schwarzenegger, the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and the impending World Series between the Cubs and the Red Sox? Arnold tweaked it, Iraq sneaked it, the fans piqued it. And the... *sniff*sniff*... did someone just fart? I squeeked it.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

CC215: Film at Eleven by UnknownEric 10-14-03

Good evening and welcome to Channel 3 Eyewitness News. I'm Hugh Jerry Olas... ...and I'm Betty Humpter. Kobe's penis. Weapon of ass destruction? More on that story later. But first, Iraq. Sounds like IROC. Is this country trying to appeal to race fans with its name? With more on that story, here's Betty. Actually, Hugh, breaking news out of California says that Governor Schwarzenegger was attacked with another egg. Arnold assures constituents that it's "not a tumor."

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I has a flavor!

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GOVT. Warning: Do not smoke around children they will badger you for fags.

Cetacean on the Street by kaufman 10-14-03

Apologies to mmyers Hello, we're here with a dolphin. Tell me, what do you think foreigners will do if they find the women exposed as a CIA agent? Flip her! Ok, where do you think President Bush is getting his ideas for managing the Iraq campaign from, and what are his chances of finding Saddam Hussein? Seventeen and zero. Now you think the Kobe incident was consensual. What do you think his accuser said at the start and at the end of their encounter? "So long!!!" and "Thanks for all the flesh."

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

CC215: Because Superman was unavailable by TheGovernor 10-14-03

Well done Arnold, Im glad the Republican Party could help you to become Governor of California, and you didnt even need to rig the ballot, thats mighty grand Thank you Mr President But now I need you to do us a favour and use your Cyborg powers and go to Iraq to Terminate Saddam for me Actually that was just a character I played in a movie, Im not really a cyborg killing machine.. WHAT! Why the heck did we back this guy then?,, Hey Powell, Get me Rambo, tell him we will give him a seat in the senate in exchange for killing Osama.

Warped! The Matrix Reloaded (don't mess with telemarketers) by Ahsirakh 10-15-03

Mrs Anderson! Might I interest you in this product? I called you but the line just cut off halfway... Won't this stupid North American power grid shut down?! ... oh shit, you're that telemarketing Agent, aren't you? Haven't you realized I hung up on you? YOU HUNG UP ON ME?! Die! Bang bang bang... oh fuck, who turned off the lights? My aiming sucks in the dark... Argh! A single bullet hit me in the chest! It is entirely coincidence of course! *dies* Wake up, Neo. Fuck these stupid nightmares. Kobe, can you fuck me again so I can mutter "stop" halfway through, then sue your pants off for rape-- oh, oops, hi Neo.

Warped! The Matrix Reloaded (jason "schwarzenegger" lock) by Ahsirakh 10-15-03

Elsewhere in Zion... Morpheus, how dare you ask one ship to not return to Zion! We might be grossly outnumbered by the machines, but at least our ships can all go to Hell while I sit my fat ass here cussing! Have you met Dubya during the Iraqi War, Commander Lock? 'Cos I'm getting déjà vu here. Obviously I fucking hate you and want you shoved in an iguana cage and raped by rabid llamas 'cos you're my girlfriend's ex, but I'm going to tell the Council it's because I'm a total fucktard. Too bad the Council shows me favouritism, ha! Unlike running for governor in California, where you can win by being famous for womanizing. Hey, that's an idea. You could call yourself Ah-nold Schwarzenegger, and they might think you're sophisticated.

Warped! The Matrix Reloaded (i really hate bane) by Ahsirakh 10-15-03

Meanwhile... Fuck you, I don't want penis enlargement, I want to get out of the Matrix! Of course, sir. May I have your credit card number? Argh! Too late! Smith's cloning himself into me... ... now I can kill Mr Anderson without him whooping a hundred of my asses! Smith gets used to being Bane... Pardon me, Neo. Can I kill you please? Bane, does this have to do with me saying how Red Sox are gonna whoop the Cubs' asses?

Warped! The Matrix Reloaded (want freedom fries with that?) by Ahsirakh 10-15-03

Neo goes to see the Oracle. Why is it that when I meet you, you always give me bad news? You mean like the fact that the Cubs are totally gonna kick the Red Sox's asses, or that I'm going to talk loads of bullshit before finally telling you to meet some French dude? French? FRENCH? You mean those peace-loving bastards? FRENCH?! Shut up. Sorry. Iraqi war flashbacks, huh? Not really, this kind of thing happens every few seconds in U.S. history. And future. Fucking sick of it.

Warped! The Matrix Reloaded (agent "schwarzenegger" smith) by Ahsirakh 10-15-03

Mr Anders-- So it was you who sent me that huge vibrating dildo from your telemarketing Agent days-- OMG, did your code get overwritten? Looks like they overdid it. I presume you're talking about my new image as Californian governor. But let me get the clichés over and done with: Mr Anders-- Ever thought about changing your name to Ah-nold Schwarzenegger? Sounds more sophisticatred than "Smith". LET ME FUCKING GET THIS OVER WITH! Mr Anders-- Whoops, gotta go, Morpheus'll kill me for stealing his election idea.

The last American's last thoughts by EvilZak 10-15-03

I guess it turns out Saddam had weapons of mass destruction after all. What an asshole. He could have used them to destroy Kobezilla!

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AFROMANS MOVE

Warped! The Matrix Reloaded (the villains never ever tell) by Ahsirakh 10-15-03

At a posh French restaurant... Mariovingian! Tell me how to get to the Source or I'll beat you up till you tell me anyway. Ah, Neo, ze One himself! I assume you've met the ex-telemarketing Agent Smith? Yeah, well, he's Schwarzenegger now, and running for Californian governor. Now tell me before IBEAT YOU UP! OK. I'll tell you everything. Wha... I don't get to beat you up? ... what... who... how... I always wanted to try that. =)

Warped! The Matrix Reloaded (grrrl power) by Ahsirakh 10-15-03

Thanks for telling me about the Source. Why'd you ask about Smith Schwarzenegger anyway? I wanted zat huge vibrating dildo he gave you from his telemarketing days. Writing orgasmic cakes doesn't cut it for me now-- oh, oops, hi Persephone. Orgasmic cakes? Oh, he writes them so some girl can give him a blowjob. I sneaked cakes out sometimes to find people like Kobe Bryant. "... people like Kobe Bryant." WTF. Stay away from my lovers, bitch.

Warped! The Matrix Reloaded (pulling a retard) by Ahsirakh 10-15-03

Where're you going? Please, ma chérie, we are all victims of causality. I drink too much wine, France gets ze revenue, and M. Dubya goes to war to spite zem peace-lovers... ... but ze Dubya-bashers don't believe zat ze idiot can get involved in a scandal de passionel, so zey release Valerie Plame's name, zen blame it on him... ... and, of course, zinking about zis CIA source leak makes me want to take a leak. Cause, and effect. Au voir. Pompous prick. Taking a blowjob more like. I think I'll get Kobe Bryant to fuck me instead... ... but just for thrills, I think I'll mutter "stop" halfway through, then sue his pants off for rape.

Warped! The Matrix Reloaded (don't mess with telemarketers) by Ahsirakh 10-15-03

Mrs Anderson! Might I interest you in this product? I called you but the line just cut off halfway... Won't this stupid North American power grid shut down?! ... oh shit, you're that telemarketing Agent, aren't you? Haven't you realized I hung up on you? YOU HUNG UP ON ME?! Die! Bang bang bang... oh fuck, who turned off the lights? My aiming sucks in the dark... Argh! A single bullet hit me in the chest! It is entirely coincidence of course! *dies* Wait-- hasn't this happened before? Why does Trinity have to be dragged through this gaping plot hole? Because for some reason she has to die shutting down half the power in America just so you can doom the human race anyway. Now shoo.

Warped! The Matrix Reloaded (what architects do when bored) by Ahsirakh 10-15-03

Who are you? I am the Architect. But call me Dr Pedantic. I created the Matrix. And the Yankees. And the hurricane Isabella. You created the Yankees? Oh man, Trinity is going to die when she hears this. She's already dead. So by some weird reasoning she'll come back to life now, since grabbing her heart to jump-start it is absolutely shitty. Thanks... wait, WTF? You see, I'm a total arsechuck so I'll take your clothes as payment. And destroy the Matrix while I'm at it.

And an epilogue: What the Architect did to destroy the Matrix.

Warped! The Matrix Reloaded (how to doom the matrix 101) by Ahsirakh 10-15-03

I'm Ah-nold Schwarzenegger! Vote for me 'cos I'm a fucktard! No, I'm Ah-nold Schwarzenegger! Vote for me 'cos I'm a bitch! No, I'm Ah-nold Schwarzenegger! Vote for me 'cos I'm a fucktard! No, I'm Ah-nold Schwarzenegger! Vote for me 'cos I'm a bitch! Say, if I give you a huge vibrating dildo from my telemarketing days, can I be Ah-nold Schwarzenegger the fucktard? Sure. I'll be Ah-nold Schwarzenegger the complete bitch. How's that sound?

Comp ends a couple hours early today, because I'm gonna be busy for most of the day. Anyway, it was fun, but I never realized how hard and agonizing it would be to judge it. Some really strong entries...

Contenders who ran the distance:

TheGovernor, EvilZak, Ahsirakh, BigFrank105, niteowl, Matchbook_Romance, Tom_D666, fzh, areallystupidguy...

And now... winning the Bronze medal:

Kaufman for his:

CC 215: One sally mit hairy by kaufman 10-10-03

I'm here with casino owner Steve Wynn, who's put forth a most interesting theory on all the world's ills. Care to explain, Steve? Absolutely. Big hair is the cause of all of our problems. For instance, did you see what happened to Siegried and Roy? That tiger was distracted by a woman with big hair. Maybe so, but that doesn't explain all the world's problems. Hurricane Isabel, for instance, had nothing to do with big hair. Are you sure? Check your chaos theory. Step on a butterfly here, and you may cause a typhoon in China. And big hairdos displace a lot more air than a little butterfly stomp. Well, telemarketers. Surely they don't have anything to do ... Have you ever seen a telemarketer? Mullets and beehives, my friend. What else can account for the pressure that causes the brain damage that turns these people away from honest lives?

And its sequels.

In second place with the Silver:

mmyers for his:

CC 215: Mouse on the street interview by mmyers 10-14-03

Little mouse, what are your thoughts about Bush and the CIA scandal, the Kobe Bryant Case, and the recent blackout? Bush leaked it, Kobe freaked it, they blinked it. And the sexual allegations against Arnold Schwarzenegger, the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and the impending World Series between the Cubs and the Red Sox? Arnold tweaked it, Iraq sneaked it, the fans piqued it. And the... *sniff*sniff*... did someone just fart? I squeeked it.

And the man who shocked his country by taking home the Gold...

umfumdisi for his:

CC 215: TOTAL (LACK OF) RECALL by umfumdisi 10-10-03

Somewhere in Eagle County, Colorado... I heard there was a blackout, but I didn't know he would be sooooooo fine. Hi, I'm Kobe. Forget I said that! Somewhere in Washington, DC... President Bush, when will the WMDs be found in Iraq Heh, as soon as the Cubs and Red Sox meet in the World Series--heh, heh. Somewhere in Sacramento, Cal-ee-forn-yah... Good evening, this is the new Governor of California, if you would like to be put on my "Do Not Grope" list, please press 1. If you would like me to fondle your buttocks, please press 2.

So there we have it. umfumdisi is the new winner... Let's hope he doesn't pull a Muhammed Ali on that Gold we awarded him.

In addition here are some extra catagories:

Runners who recieved special sponsorship from the Dr. Pedantic fund for including him in their commercial endorsements:

Tom_D666, akirajim, Ahsirakh.

Good runners who were disqualified for steroid abuse:

ObiJo and crabby.

(just kidding guys, ;P)

Looking forward to the next comp...

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Destroying my reputation one post at a time.

cool.

there's nothing like winding down from a long day's work, logging in, and finding out you've won a CC.

new contest...now!

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

At least I ran the distance, Not bad for my second CC. Especially seeing as how it wasn't particularly inspired.