I can't beat mmyers' series.

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"Only things I approve of should exist." -some guy on the internet

My father and I have issues, but I managed to poop something semi nice about him out:

CC 228: Acts of Love (1) by A_Chicka 1-12-04

Gia, no man will ever love you. Thanks for the helpful advice, Dad. Gia, you're a disgrace to this family. Thanks for the support. You know Nate's going to leave you as soon as that kid pops out, right? Thanks, Dad.

CC 228: Acts of Love (2) by A_Chicka 1-12-04

You know what else is wrong with you? You're a- Merry Christmas, Dad! Here's your gift. What's this? "I Love You, Dad"? "A compilation of scripture and poems"? Why are my eyes leaking?

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Skeeter Valentine = hot.

"Why are my eyes leaking?" is a genuis line, chicka.

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Destroying my reputation one post at a time.

Family Reunion 1 by Spankling 1-12-04

Gah! Dad! But... but... you're dead! Good call, son. And now that I'm dead I am omnipresent. I see everything. Everything? Much to my dismay. ... SO... How 'bout those cubs! What? You do animals too? How did I miss that?

Family Reunion 2 by Spankling 1-12-04

Jeeze dad, this is kind of awkward. I thought I was free of this kind of guilt now that you were gone. And I thought I would be free of hemorrhoids. What are you gonna do? This is worse then when you found my stash box under my bed when I was a kid. Stash box? Kazoontite. What?

family Reunion 3 by Spankling 1-12-04

In a way this is your fault for shoving me into the arms of that hooker when I was a kid, dad. Hey! I thought you would just lay down and get it over with! How did I know you were an artist! ... Artist? You make me proud, boy. Sniff... Thanks da... Now... could you stop taking recreational enemas in the shower? Please? The other ghouls laugh at me.

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

Aren't you glad I don't really have kids?

Like Father, Like Pun (12) by kaufman 1-13-04

Son, I don't want to give you meaningless pater, but rather some good dadvice. Always avoid the paparazzi, and be nice to your brother ancestor. Whether you work in a beauty salon as a fabulous perm provider, or make a career as a pro janitor, keep your thoughts light as a father, so you don't pop off. Beware of commercials -- they are just paid remarks, but some ale 'parently is good for you if you so deSire. For safe investments, gold many times succeeds.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Guides for Life (1) by smamurai 1-13-04

Now son, I am going to tell you something that should help you on life's journey. What is it? Be rich and successful in all that you do. But how do I become rich and successful dad? By being great. Oh, yeah. I should have known that.

Guides for Life (2) by smamurai 1-13-04

Son, your school rang. They tell me you are being bullied, is this true? Only a little bit, I guess. What's going on son? I bet you are not even trying to not get bullied are you? I don't actively seek it out Dad, if that's what you mean. You have to concentrate on being super-cool son. Super-cool people never get bullied. Can you do that for me? I....I...I'll try Dad.

Guides for Life (3) by smamurai 1-13-04

One of the best things about life is having a great time. You enjoy having a great time don't you? Sure, great times are good. It's fun to have fun. You need to be more pro-active, try having a great time right now. What...right now? Yes. Is it happening yet? Yes, I think it might be but, perhaps I need to try harder Dad.

Guides for Life (4) by smamurai 1-13-04

A stitch in time save nine son. Yes. Ha ha. What the heck are you talking about? Yes son, I was trying to trick you. Knitting and suchlike is the domain of the woman. And that's why you burned the desk-tidy I made for you in needle-work.

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GOVT. Warning: Do not smoke around children they will badger you for fags.

Saturdays in the park with my stepson by mmyers 1-13-04

Listen, Erik, if you learn nothing else from me, learn this... 'Kay. Some dudes have the ass of a chick. I don't know why, I guess God's got a funny sense of humor, but before you buy some chick a drink, make sure she doesn't have a dick. Cause, man, they will let anybody into Vegas.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

CC 228: Existential Family I by codehappykid 1-13-04

Dad, I've got a really awesome new idea! It's not going to work. Why do you always say that? Because it's true. You're a dick. I'm just trying to think of the whole family.

CC 228: Existential Family II by codehappykid 1-13-04

Dad! I think I have a chance at making some money with this new project! Oh, good! You can pay back the loans you owe us after college, then. ...so NOW can I go to France this summer? Oh For Pete's Sake.

CC 228: Existential Family III by codehappykid 1-13-04

It seems like no matter what I do, he think's I'm a failure. No he doesn't. The Universe is a strange place. No kidding.

CC 228: Existential Family IV by codehappykid 1-13-04

Grandma, I've been trying to get a job for three years! Well, maybe if you'd try harder, you'd find one. Could you give me a hint about where to start? Good Heavens, why don't you ever pay any attention to your appearance? I...can't possibly explain that.

CC 228: Existential Family V by codehappykid 1-13-04

All right, Grandpa, let's run over the basic specs of this project. You know, you don't have to do this if it's too difficult. It's not, and you asked me to. Anyway, I've figured out a way to do it. I don't understand any of the technical terms you've been using, but I think it's impossible. Grandpa...

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HALPUU!

Oooh. I took a different spin on the Father/Son relationship.

CC 228: Father, Father, Father, help me! by MikeyG 1-12-04

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush! An apple a day keeps the doctor away! Amen! Amen! People in glass houses should NOT throw stones! Familiarity breeds contempt! Amen! Amen! A stitch in time saves nine! Seven-year-old boys have asscheeks like freshly-picked apples! Amen! Um...amen?

CC 228: Father, Father, Father, help me! Part 2 by MikeyG 1-12-04

It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all! Step on a crack, break your mother's back! Amen! Amen! There's other fish in the sea! If you don't donate to the church, Jesus will eat your baby! Amen! WHAT? *smacks lips*

CC 228: Father, Father, Father, Help Me! Part 3 by MikeyG 1-14-04

Now where did I put the ketchup? *goo!* Jesus! How many times do I have to tell you that you do NOT EAT BABIES! Damn! Aaaaall right, Dad. You can go, little Jonnie. Now hurry up and get dressed. I signed us up for a special 'Father-and-Son' episode of 'Queer Eye For the Straight Guy'. Ooooh! I get to meet that Carson! He's so sassy!

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Yes sir. Impending fatherhood can be tough if you're not prepared.

Jack keeps a black rack down a track. by kramer_vs_kramer 1-14-04

Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies! Womack- I'm pregnant, and you're the father! Pregnant? That's right. In nine months you'll be the proud father of a little baby Womack. I have to wait nine months? Talk about slow service.

I go back to the shack for some cack that I lack by kramer_vs_kramer 1-14-04

Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies! Look, Womack, I told you. The baby isn't due until August. You're just going to have to wait. There's no way you can squeeze it out early? You know I've been extra good to you lately. Extra good to me? You're not fooling anyone, mister. What do you mean? I can tell your sudden zest for cunnilingus has nothing to do with making me happy.

Don't yack, give the plaque a whack, maniac! by kramer_vs_kramer 1-14-04

Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies! So, Womack. Have you decided on a name for the baby yet? Babies have names? I was thinking something like "Peaches" or "Honey" for a girl, can you think of a boy's name? Dinner?

Quack! I've got the knack of Zack's attack. by kramer_vs_kramer 1-14-04

Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies! Womack! What are you doing with that knife! I was reading about women who have caesarian sections, and I thought maybe you could have one. But Womack, I'm only three months pregnant. The baby won't be ready yet. Anyway, isn't that a steak knife? And I don't think they use forks in medical procedures.

I injured my back lifting a black sack of crack by kramer_vs_kramer 1-14-04

Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies! Womack! I told you not to bother me while I was listening to my pre-natal meditation tape. Sorry. I'm just going mad with the hunger. I think I'm starting to hallucinate. Oh stop whining. At least you don't have to suffer from morning sickness. Now get out of here and leave me alone. Are you even listening to me?

I gave a yak a smack. It was cack. by kramer_vs_kramer 1-14-04

Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies! Mr Womack, I'm pleased to announce the birth of your new baby boy. A boy? Yes. He's already taking after his father. In what way? He just chewed his own leg off.

Is anyone else disapointed that MikeyG never once used the line "AHA! It is me/I, Jesus"?

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Mediocrity at its most average.

Saturdays in the park with my stepson by mmyers 1-14-04

Hey Skot, check out that chick over there. What do ya think, man? She's pretty hot, huh? Um, she's pregnant. Which means she puts out, dude. Do I have to explain everything to you?

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Here you are, all--the results of this here competition. I was surprised so many of you took the word "poignant" in my rules to mean "perverse." Aww, what the hell am I saying; I wasn't surprised at all. Here are the ones that struck me as particularly gutbusting:

[b]boinky33 - why i'm so screwed up (series, but esp. #1)
ObiJo - A conversation with my dead father
mmyers - My friend Gary's Dad [/b]and[b] Sundays in the Park... (series)
Rabid_Weasle - Hooory Shit!
Inflatable_Man - Father Knows Best!
EvilZak - Eight Simple Rules [/b]and[b] Prevent Child Abuse
Kaufman - Advice to a failed all-star
Spankling - Family Reunion (series)
kramer_vs_kramer - I go back to the shack... (the whole series was fun, but the cunnilingus punchline got me)[/b]

Both of EvilZak's above mentioned comics made me laugh an awful lot (seriously, reread them right now), but the new take on the old SC trope presented by Mr. Weasle takes the prize:

CC 228: Hooory Shit! by Rabid_Weasle 1-10-04

You know what my father always told me? No, what? Hooory shit! You could sell dis for fie dolla!

Everyone still needs to see "Big Fish," and I'm outta here.

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- christ@myself.com - fuck a cat, kill yourself - my alter ego has five stars

:O

Holy crap, I finally won one of these things! Thanks habnem! :D

Great going everyone else, loads of the funny.

I'll try to get the next CC up ASAP.

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Poop.

Parting shot by Spankling 1-14-04

GAH! Dad! You gotta stop showing up like this! And you gotta stop sucking. Sucking? I was on the list! So you made the short list of rejects. I should smack you with this arm! Sorry dad. Sorry nothin. By the way, I barfed in your enema bag.

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet