CC 97: It's Like Running Through A Field of Sunflowers by deucepm 2-03-02

Are you tired? Cranky? Listless? Are you lonely? Depressed? Suicidal? Are you anxious? Overweight? Unloved? Or are you simply carrying around too much semen? Why, I'm all those things and more! Well, now there's a product for people just like you. It's time to meet WHORES. WHORES are women paid to endure your twisted, sticky romantic urges for a nominal fee. Snowballs, 69, even rimjobs are available through the miracle of WHORES. Consult your local pimp to see if WHORES are right for you. WHORES: Take life by the hand and fuck the shit out of it! Call 1-976-5-DOLLAR for more information. WHORES users may experience venereal disease, loss of natural immunity, bankruptcy and a feeling of utter hollowness. Visit Thailand for our other product, BOY WHORES!

This one's based on those Lojack radio ads, which may be the snottiest advertisements I've ever heard.

CC 97: Fuck Lojack by deucepm 2-03-02

Some people say they don't need Lojack because... What's the point? If my car is stolen, my insurance will pay for it! WHAAAT?! LIES! LIES! YOUR INSURANCE WON'T PAY! OH YOU BITCH YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH! DIE! DIE! DIEEEE! Don't you see, officer? She was like the others...SHE SOUGHT TO DENY THE POWER OF LOJACK! BUT NOW SHE KNOWS! OH, YES, NOW SHE KNOWS! Damn it...all units, I need backup! The Lojack guy's done The Bad Thing again!

Actually, that occured to me as I was writing it, but it was the easiest way to establish her as "southern."

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To be honest, when I read it I just imagined that there was a whole family off-camera taking part in an incestual orgy.

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Dad was flammable

CC97: Evil Clown Burgers by fpd 2-03-02

Come to Evil Clown Burgers for the beefiest burgers around. How beefy are your burgers, Mr. Clown? We guarantee that every burger is made from beef-fed cows. Instead of grazing on icky grass, our cows dine on Evil Clown burgers. Wow, that is so kind and humane. Why would anyone want to eat grass when they can eat burgers? And what's beefier than beef-fed beef? I got Creutzfeldt Jacobs Disease from eating Evil Clown burgers. My brain is turning into a sponge. Ha, ha! Look, kids, its Mad Rabbit, the burger-loving bunny.

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FPD is the foremost plague on discussion boards. Do your part to stomp out FPD.

Now, hold on jest'a damn minute! I would like to dispel any rumors about Southerners taking part in incestual activities right damn now, by gawd. It is well known that we have the problem relatively under control and isolated primarily to certain parts of Alabama.

Yours sincerely,
T. 'Cornpone' Wallerby, Jr.

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If it wasn't for bad luck I wouldn't have no luck at all. D'OH!

CC79: Only The Best For Your Pet by fuzzyman 2-03-02

You love your pet. Hi, Honey, I'm home! How's our little Snookums? She's just great! She just finished eating. She deserves the best. Did you feed her that new Purina Chunky Haggis? I certainly did! She ate it all up, too! Warning: May induce vomiting. And puked it all up, too. Who's cleaning this up? Just put it back in the resealable can. We can feed it to her again tomorrow and she won't know the difference!

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

I felt like I should get something into this contest, so here you go:

CC 97: I Found This In The Bargin Bin by BigEvilDan 2-03-02

Tired of losing comic contests? Come on down to the Punchline Emporium! We've got tons of brilliant gags for you to use. Worried about the cost? Don't be! Just browse our discount section for slightly used jokes. Take a look. Warning: Use before expiration date. So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!" ALL YOUR GRAVITON ARE BELONG TO US!!

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"Oh, look, a joke! How original! Thank you, but if I wanted my emotions stimulated pleasurably, I'd get a whore." - Donald B. Jones III

CC97: Lose all the pounds you want by fpd 2-03-02

Are you a big fat bozo? Would you like to shed several pounds or even just a few? However many pounds you would like to lose, we can help. Yes, for every pound you send us, as in British currency, we guarantee that you will lose one pound. That's right. Pull out your credit card and dial 1-800-555-LOSE right now. Send us a pound for every pound you want to lose, and you will lose them all. And now for a little disclaimer spoken by a dog balancing on a ball. Isn't he funny? This offer is invalid for dollars, euros, yen, and kilograms.

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FPD is the foremost plague on discussion boards. Do your part to stomp out FPD.

I vote for Dave.

I mean Dan.

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Mediocrity at its most average.

Wow, this was a tough competition to judge there were a lot of good strips. Of course some of you put in many more entries than the others. Ones I particularly liked include:

kaufman: Moving to the Font of the Line - On your recommendation, I am reformatting my dissertation in sans-serif Helvetica.
Drexle: Untitled - You got room for another hand down those pants? Classic.
fuzzyman: Much Closer - Now why do you think they ask wheather the bride and groom are related on marriage license applications in Kentucky?
kaufman: Hit Enron - True. All too true.
fpd: Marxism - Animal Farm with our favorite fellatrixes.
fpd: Evil Clown Burgers - Very much like the commercials for the Fallen Arches.
fuzzyman: Only The Best For Your Pet - Always said that Dog food looked the same going in as coming out.

And the winner is:

CC 97: Untitled by Drexle 2-01-02

Dude, you've been scratching yoruself all day, what gives?! Dude, it's totally awesome! Last night, I got some brand new genital herpes! *Scratch scratch* Whoa, what is this "genital herpes," and where can I get some? I got my genital herpes from the chick on the streetcorner. It's great! It gives you the excuse to scratch yourself in public! Genital Herpes may have the following side effects: Itchiness, contageous rash, and irritation from loads of Zantax commercials. Not only that, it's a great ice breaker at parties! *Scratch scratch* Hey there big guy... you got room for another hand down those pants?

with fuzzyman: Much Closer taking the silver.

An added Honorable Mention goes to deucepm: It's Like Running Through A Field of Sunflowers - Great strip, but you forgot to include an animal.

Thanks again for a great competition. I see all of you again once I get back from Thailand.

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

GODDAMN!

Another CC , and not even an honorable mention for "Magnum.45. Removing the need for Divorce since 1750"

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"Life Sucks, Then you Die. The bit inbetween isnt very funny either"

Ohhhh, that's what all those words at the top of the competitions mean. Shit!

Sorry about that, chief. I do better next time.

Wow, I thought kaufman had that one locked up with his "Death" strip. I'm surprised that it didn't get an honorable mention.

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

It was my favorite too, but I have learned that humor is chaotic and unpredictable. You can't really predict what someone else will find funny. Besides, the "bought the farm" punchline really depended on remembering the right commercials. It could fall flat on someone who hadn't seen them. At least the contest was won by a good strip, and you, myself, and kaufman each got a couple honorable mentions. I'm just wondering what a fellatrix is.

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FPD is the foremost plague on discussion boards. Do your part to stomp out FPD.

You also mistyped elixir, but I don't mind. Well-drawn transformations; nice job!

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Thanks, glad you liked it. I just didn't know how to spell elixir, and I didn't know I didn't know how to spell it.

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FPD is the foremost plague on discussion boards. Do your part to stomp out FPD.

I'd like to point out that "Evil Clown Burgers" was also not rules compliant because it didn't included a disclaimer.

Though "Marxism" by FPD did kick ass...

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When they invent BookFace, I'm -there-.

Wow! Well, this is the first contest I've won that follows DexXs law of comic contest victory... I didn't think I had a chance, and lo' what do I see when I check in here?

I'm going to think about some rules and post a new contest within 24 hours or so.

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I'd like to point out that "Evil Clown Burgers" was also not rules compliant because it didn't included a disclaimer.

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It did include a disclaimer. Mad Rabbit pointed out the danger of catching Creutzfeldt Jacobs Disease from eating Evil Clown burgers. This is caused by the same prions that cause Mad Cow Disease in cows. It is commonly spread among cows by feeding them the remains of other cows. Unfortunately, this is a common practice in factory farming.

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Though "Marxism" by FPD did kick ass...

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Thanks, I'm glad you liked it.

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FPD is the foremost plague on discussion boards. Do your part to stomp out FPD.

quote:

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quote:

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I'd like to point out that "Evil Clown Burgers" was also not rules compliant because it didn't included a disclaimer.

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It did include a disclaimer. Mad Rabbit pointed out the danger of catching Creutzfeldt Jacobs Disease from eating Evil Clown burgers.

quote:

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hmm...okay. I guess I can see that as a disclaimer, even if not stated as a warning or such. never mind.

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When they invent BookFace, I'm -there-.