Hear ye, hear ye! This meeting of the Masters of Mischief is now called to order. I'll dispense with the reading of the minutes and get right to the first order of business. Progress report, people! What have we got?
Boinky Man: Disguised as an innocuous toy merchant, I've introduced a certain meddlesome Kryptonian to that most intractable of conundrums, the Rubik's cube. Unless he solves it by January 18, 2007, it will explode!
Dr. Kaufman: But... What if he just flies it into outer space and hurls it into the sun before then?
Boinky Man: It -- it will explode! (awkward silence). Anyway, I have a back-up plan! My minions have been prank-calling Superman at every telephone booth in the city. It's getting to the point where he is afraid to use one!
Fuzzy Man: Boinky has minions?... Look, I'm sure you're working Superman's last nerve and all, but for the coupe de grace I've devised a real death-trap. I've lured Superman into an episode of Iron Chef. The kicker is, the secret ingrediant is Jovian Brain Worms! Muh-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha!
Decomposing Man: Don't you think Supes is likely to notice that?
Fuzzy Man: That's the beauty of it! No one knows what's supposed to be in those traditional Japanese dishes.
Decomposing Man: Look, why don't we just stick a big rubber dick in his toilet?
(general nodding and agreement...)
Il Schmuckutron: That is indeed a worthy scheme, fetid one, but not necessary. I had the foresight to implant red kryptonite in Boinky Man's Rubik's Cube. Its other-worldly radiations will mutate Superman's body in unforseen and disturbing ways, beginning of course with his hands and eventually spreading to his entire being. Just look at this recent photograph... the change has already begun!
Boinky Man: (Glances at own hands, vomits.) I'd like to be excused, please.
Dr. Kaufman: You people have been completely ignoring the threat posed by the Marvel pantheon of super-heroes. I've taken the liberty of shrinking thier wall-crawling icon Spiderman down to size and placing him in the residence of one Garfield the Cat, famous for his hatred of all things arachnoid. Its going to be a total Cat-astrophe, in the face of which Spidey will be reduced to a state of quivering Cat-ilepsy.
Decomposing Man: What if Spiderman just kicks Garfield in the balls?
Dr. Kaufman: No problem! You should always have your pet spidey-nuetered!
Il Schmuckutron: Do not evoke my anger! You've been warned never to raise the power of the pun against this assembly!
Kaddar the Merciless: Look, while you people have been playing games, I've put both DC and Marvel's backs up against the wall. I've lured Batman into a daycare setting where he's totally out of his element. I've talked with Bizarro and he has drawn up a basic but essentially sound plan for finishing Supes off. And I've convinced J. Jonah Jameson to advertise my sticky Spiderman traps in the Daily Bugle. Soon, no residence in the city will be without one!
The Crimson Buffylavalamp: In the mean-time, I've used my powers of hypno-suggestion to convince Spawn that he is a gentle ballerina. After he sees the photographs, his days as the premier macho fuckhead, "grim and gritty" super-hero will be over!
Kaddar the Merciless: It seems there is only one issue left to resolve. Who's going to run the next contest?
(thoughtful silence, followed by an intense battle for supremacy...)
Kaddar the Merciless: (looking around triumphantly) Your efforts have all been worthy. But in the end, only one can survive to judge the next contest. And that one... is me!
Muh-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha!
[b]...
Excellent job, guys. Excelsior.[/b]
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"You'll burn for this. Burn in jail!"
