Today… I talk to you about fat chicks.
There is simply NO excuse for a girl to be overweight. I don’t care if you have to starve yourself Ethiopia-style… I don’t care if you have to forgo eating for a month to the point where any morsel of food looks like a fucking bar of twenty-four karat gold.
STOP FUCKING EATING YOU FAT COW!
Next time you want to lie on the couch watching Trading Spaces and eat an entire sleeve of Ritz Crackers with half a jar of FUCKING peanut butter… DON’T!
Hey I have an idea… how about you get a motherfucking salad instead of a 5,000 calorie FatbitchBurger next time you sit down to gorge your fat fucking face.
Oh yeah I almost forgot… They’re called GODDAMN SIT UPS!! Do a few once in awhile! It’s a Stairmaster not a GODDAMN torture device!! Suck it up and work off your goddamn FLAB!
I’m sick to GODDAMN DEATH of seeing a girl who has an attractive face and then seeing her naked and wondering how this girl could have slipped an ass that’s two fucking lanes wide into size 6 jeans. Oh yeah that’s right because you can squeeze all your goddamn cellulite and your bullshit gut underneath some carefully-tailored clothes and a loose sweater cause “it’s chilly outâ€, right? You fucking whore. I HATE YOU.
We get to your place and you’ll all fucking excited because you got a good-looking skinny guy back to your fucking lair of obesity and you’re hoping I’m drunk enough not to notice. So you don’t take your clothes off until we’re in bed and when we’re done you walk to the bathroom and YOUR FUCKING HUGE BELUGA ASS CHEEKS GET STUCK IN THE GODDAMN DOORFRAME! Jesus CHRIST!
Now I know how these fucking Iraqis feel in the Shock and Awe campaign!! You think everything’s alright and them all of a sudden KAPLAOW!! HUGE ASS IN YOUR FACE!! Next time this happens to me I’m gonna wait till Jabba The FatCunt gets back into bed and suggest we go again. Before she knows what hit her BOOM! DONKEY PUNCH! Then I'm going to steal all your money and throw all your food away.
That’ll teach you to get your low fat dressing on the side you fucking she-mammoth.
I’m not done yet. I’ve devised a plan to rid the world of all these fucking Manatees-in-skirts. I’ve purchased a very sharp sword and LOTS of face and body paint. Starting next week, I am going to have my entire body from the waist up painted in medieval-style warrior patterns with lots of skulls. Then I’m going to put a Speedo on and hop on my motorcycle with my sword.
This is where the good shit starts…
I’m going to ride up and down a main road screaming at all the fat tourist chicks and all the fat fucking I’m-so-fat-I-have-to-be-winched-out-of-my-car-seat whores and I’m going to slice right through their blubber, leaving them holding their intestines and screaming for a donut.
Then I’m going to collect their fat fucking heads with 5 fucking chins and fat fucking guts and string them in a line behind my motorcycle and drag them along behind me on a MOTHERFUCKING CHAIN!
Here’s my point:
If you are fat--and you know who you are--do one of two things. If you have a cute face and just need to lose a few pounds… STOP EATING and get on a goddamn treadmill. Don't get off until you pass out or you lose the weight. If it would help for me to chase you around with a fucking bat for exercise we can do that too… but if I catch you I’m going to slap you across the face with my schlong and berate you for being a fatass for no less than half an hour.
If you have an ugly face or are just hopelessly obese, just do me and all other men a favor and fucking kill yourself. You offer nothing to society besides your ability to take up more than one seat on the bus and your mind-blowing capacity to consume 14,000 calories in a single sitting at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Go hang yourself.
Better yet, carve “I am a fat fucking whore and am of no use to society†across your fat fucking ass and shoot yourself with a goddamn glock. Because if I see you walking down the street eating a goddamn corndog like it’s the last piece of food on earth… your fat ***ing thighs wiggling like goddamn Jell-O… I’m going to cut your head off with a sword.
Watch me you fat bitch. Fuck you and have a nice day.
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Nein.
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