All comics by graeme

 

Half way by graeme 5-26-05
Mike, this electric bill says "Due: your immortal soul." Are you *sure* you need the TV and lights in the other room constantly on? I like the background noise and ambience.	And why has the bacon been left out of the fridge again? Oh, I was making a fry-up. I think I was half way through lighting the hob when I got bored.	"Half way"? The rest is on my to-do list.

 

Graeme discovers stripcreator's "fire" graphic by graeme 6-09-05
mber salad ... Pope explodes unne Firefighters were called to the Pyromaniacs Assocation's annual barbecue after a fire "just broke out". The ringleaders have been given appropriate community service.	cessarily ... Parrot "just resting" sa The pyromaniacs will perform ancillary tasks for the fire service. Some have been sent to schools with instructions to educate children about the dangers of fire.	If the fire gets too low, you can always raid the bathroom for aerosol cans. Any questions?

 

I wondered what all those faint clicks were! by graeme 2-12-07
This is BBC Radio 4. Listeners may like to know that if you go outside and listen carefully, you can shortly hear the sound of millions of radios being simultaneously turned off.		And now, The Archers.

 

Programmers' film club by graeme 8-01-07
Why computer geeks should never be allowed to watch sci-fi/fantasy films. Oh no! The dead have been resurrected as zombies by a magical spell cast by a witch, helped by the aliens of the planet Flompoid!	We've already got enough trouble trapped in this building with the ghosts, vampires, grues, magical elves and pixies overrunning the city outside!	Give me that laptop. I'll try and run an inverse shell-index which should find the right IP pattern to get us out. WHAT?! Shell-index? IP pattern? That's ridiculous! There's no such thing!

 

It's difficult being a fire. by graeme 8-03-07
Fire, you've been living here for a while now, and you've never paid any rent. I've told you. I haven't got any money.	Haven't you got a job yet? And don't play the chemical reaction card again. But it's true! Just because I happen to be an oxidation process...	All the prejudice is in your mind. Sure, there are a few narrow-minded bigots, but it doesn't mean everyone thinks that way. But that last interviewer! It was like he was afraid to shake my hand!

 

Fire goes to the Job Centre. by graeme 8-03-07
Hello, Mr Job Centre Man. Not found anything for me this week? I'll be blunt, Mr Fire. The problem with finding you an ordinary desk job is that workplace health and safety law can be a little... inflexible.	What about the armed forces? I'm a tower of flame, I must be useful to them somehow! Well, I could send your CV to the Ministry of Defence and see what they say.	These are the files from the Serious Fraud Office's inquiry into a BAE arms deal. Your job is to lean forward slightly.

 

Housing market report by graeme 8-06-07
All UK news sources: House prices continue to skyrocket, surpassing all expectations. Yippee!!! The biggest purchase most people will ever make just got even more expensive! But it's not all smiles, as one investor points out.	"As a buy-to-letter, it's sickening that I have to compete with all these first-time buyers snapping up the most affordable flats. We can hardly afford our holiday homes!" Some have reacted with alarm and anger that the government plans to build more affordable housing for first-time buyers, which could make house prices dip slightly.	The PM responded "It's OK. I said 'affordable', not 'cheaper'. The young will still be ripped off just the same, but over a longer period of time! Don't tell them!" Oh, I see, with longer mortgages and shared ownership and so on. Phew, that's a relief. I thought he was on their side for a moment!

 

Last one, I promise. For now. by graeme 8-07-07
Evening, tenant. You owe me a hundred pounds. At the end of the tenancy you left one light fitting undusted. Ah. It obviously isn't enough that I pay you an extortionate rent for a tiny flat, pay your council tax, pay to keep the place clean...	... and, as a taxpayer, subsidise your buy-to-let mortgage tax relief that was taken away from real homeowners seven years ago... ... all because you think your right to make a fortune sitting on flats during a property shortage is more important than everyone else's right to have a home.	Don't start all your leftie whining on me. The fact is, I'm providing a useful service. Yeah, which you used to have to bend over for.

 

All housing development objections summarised. by graeme 11-03-07
Mr I'm All Right Jack, you're a local resident, and you're objecting to the proposed housing development on the outskirts of this town. Why? It might reduce the value of my home - er, sorry, I mean "mumble, mumble, noise, mumble, infrastructure, traffic, mumble, blot on the landscape."	So you expect the town to stop expanding just so you can have a green view out of your window? We're running out of countryside. Only 89% of this country is green space. With three million new homes, that could drop as low as... erm... 88%!	Forgive me, but how do you imagine your own house got here? It's not a natural part of the landscape, is it? It was built in living memory. Yes, but that's different. It was built when *I* was aspiring to get on the property ladder, so it's OK.

 

Head in the clouds by graeme 11-05-07
What do you mean, I need planning permission for this place? I'm living in a cumulonimbus cloud ten thousand feet up! It'll be here whether I live in it or not! As your democratically elected councillor and chair of the local planning committee, I must enforce the rules. The cloud's allowed to be here. It's you living in it that's the problem.	Why? What possible trouble could I cause by living up here? I'm a retired homeowner and property investor, one of many in the area. You, being a young person in full-time work, are six hundred quid a month rent - that we're not getting.	The phrase "conflict of interest" has no meaning to you, does it? Stop whining. I've earned my place in society! I was born earlier, and I... I'm... erm.... Look, just get down.

 

Peculiar advantage by graeme 11-07-07
As you know, this police force is focusing on fraud. Identity theft, obtaining goods by deception, gaining a pecuniary advantage, those sorts of offences. Dentistry deaths, obtaining food from reception, and gaining a peculiar advantage. Got it.	So we're... hang on, what? Who'd have thought "gaining a peculiar advantage" was an offence? Oh well, must be off. See you later.	Guys! I've just discovered I can shit lemons! Peculiar enough. You're under arrest.

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