All comics by Jarhead

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by Jarhead
4-22-06
So I was fisting this fish and my hand got stuck, How are you gonna fix this,Doctor?
I'm going to inject taco sauce into your anus!
...Why,How will that help my fish hand?
Because the bill will be much bigger if I inject you with taco sauce.

 

by Jarhead
4-22-06
I was on Scooby-Doo once
what happened? They unmasked you?
No,They arrested me for raping three nine-year-olds and a baby...
...

 

by Jarhead
4-22-06
♫Don't fuck with this nigga,nigga cause no nigga out-niggas this nigga, fuck tha free world and rise up the niggas in nigga street,fosho my niggas fosh because this niggas mad,nigga. Yea'Bitch!&
I'm sorry but you won't fit in with the youth listening to rap today...
Why not!?
You barely even used the word nigga!

 

by Jarhead
4-22-06
"Dem Bonez is about to ride the feircest bull in the whole godang county!"
"Oh no! Dem Bonez arm has snapped off!! This is will not help him in points.."

 

by Jarhead
4-22-06
hello...
I'm going to turn away now..
...
Yeah, not much better view over here...

 

by Jarhead
4-22-06
You have crabs?? I'm sorry but I don't like to date people who have crabs..
Thats okay..
People just don't understand our friendship...
*Sigh*

 

by Jarhead
4-22-06
You want to anal probe me!?
I'll respect you in the morning..
...

 

by Jarhead
4-22-06
Welcome to the first national church of Atheists!
....Now what?

 

by Jarhead
4-22-06
So,Mr.Joez,Why diddn't I get the job? Is it because I'm black?
No,no,no!
Its because you're jewish..

 

by Jarhead
4-22-06
HEY LETS FART!!! AND PEE ON homeless PERSONS WHO FARTS!!
OKIE-DOKIE INA CHOKY!!!
Fuck Nickelodeon....I'm gonna go read a book.

 

by Jarhead
4-22-06
I had sexual intercourse with your mother last night.
I know,Ted.

 

by Jarhead
4-23-06
So whats your opinion about the increase of Docters murdering their patients?
Well,sir...
...
Sometimes as a doctor you think "That head would look good on my mantle..."

 

by Jarhead
4-23-06
So are you saying it's right to kill your patients for sport?
No it isn't right to murder your patients for sport..
...
But it is pretty fuckin' fun.

 

by Jarhead
4-23-06
How can doctors get away with such horrors?
We get away with lots of stuff..
...
Y'know when we give anal and breast exams? Most of us sure ain't lookin' for cancer if you get my drift..

 

by Jarhead
4-23-06
There has been more deaths of underaged children than adults, why is this?
Duh...
...
Kid's heads pops off more easily..

 

by Jarhead
4-23-06
I find this report the most horrible and disgusting thing I ever heard in my twelve years of newscasting, I hope you all burn in hell for this enormous sin you plaqued on the families of your victims!
Hey, its not my fault all the fun things in life involve breaking the law and children..
...
Just ask Michael Jackson!

 

by Jarhead
4-25-06
TOBOR ON TV!!
Today a big red robot rampaged our small city,raping all young men and women in their mouths,ears,and noses while not caring for its vitcim's pain and suffering. This monster was unstoppable...
MONSTER!? TOBOR HAS FEELINGS,TOO!
Now 50% of the city has a new horrible super robo AIDs..

 

by Jarhead
4-25-06
...
What,Sondra?
...
Oh like you never got your cock stuck in a mouse trap while trying to have sexual intercourse with mice!

 

Asians. How can you tell their gender? Find out after this commercial break..
by Jarhead, 4-25-06

 

by Jarhead
4-27-06
My Grandma finaly died and I waited for her to come and greet her.
So what happened?
The little bitch saved a busload of orphans and went to Heaven!
Wow, that must suck ass.

 

by Jarhead
4-27-06
I was just handed a news bulletin, Clay Aiken was shot dead today by Elton John and some of his Homies...
Elton's reason was "Clay made the music buisness look like a bunch of fags.."

 

by Jarhead
5-06-06

 

by Jarhead
5-06-06
Howdy neighbor, Whats your beef?
I dunno. I just feel like I haven't fulfilled my life's work...I want to do something BIG! You have any advice?
EXTERMINATE THE JEWS!!!
...

 

by Jarhead
5-06-06
Abey, I have something to tell you before we go further in our realationship..
What is it,Pattycakes?
I'm an alein..
Holy shit, You're a spick!?

 

by Jarhead
5-06-06
Abe Vigoda, I come for your soul!!
I'm not Abe Vigoda.
I read your character name...
I'm Abe Lincoln in a disguise of Abe Vigoda,dumbass!

 

by Jarhead
5-16-06
Hey,bro,Wheres the restroom?
Dontcha remember? We're fish we pee in the water!
...Thats kinda gross when you think about it.
Think about what?

 

by Jarhead
5-23-06
In politics, theres been a new law where women can not hold any jobs of any kind thats outside of kitchen work..
WHAT!?
Awwww...

 

by Jarhead
5-23-06
Yeah! Yeah! Suck me dry,baby! SUCK ME DRY!!!
Oopsy, my teeth fell out again..
Grandma, if you're going to be gross We can finish this later..
Sorry if I don't have real teeth anymore,Sebby!

 

by Jarhead
5-23-06
Sebby can "Manipulate" without hands!
Yeah!I'm coming! I'm Coming!!!
...........
Ummmm,Sebby, The kid on table six ordered the milk..
Ohhhhh...
Sebby can "Manipulate" without hands!
Yeah!I'm coming! I'm Coming!!!
...........

 

by Jarhead
5-23-06
Screw you!
Go to hell!
..............
................

 

by Jarhead
6-17-06
I'm getting tired of you tring to butt-fuck me,Simon! From now on if I drop the soap in the showers,it stays dropped..
Fine..
.......
Hey,You dropped a penny!

 

by Jarhead
6-17-06
My first night in the human world,I'm so excited!
Oh good, a cola machine...where do I put in the quarter?hmmm.
This will not end well..
I'll just stick it in all places till I gets me a 7-up..

 

by Jarhead
6-17-06
Why the hell you be drinking Slim fast?.
Theres no other way I can get skinnier!
Why? Is the fork glued to your hand?

 

by Jarhead
6-24-06
Valor, How come you haven't been doing the dishes? Something wrong?
You want to know whats wrong,Ted??
I've been having an affair with a ninja!
Wa-sha-sha!!
Wow, I diddn't see that coming..
Well, he is a ninja,Ted.

 

by Jarhead
6-24-06
So what do you think of Lucifer?
Pssh....hes a total dick!
..........
I mean he makes up wake up 1 a.m every morning and we must chop the heads off teh lawyers, rape the children, casterate the sex stalkers, bob for hearts in the celebridy cauldron...and so much moret
Well.....he gives us Taco Tuesdays and Ice Cream Thursdays..
Good point, hes pretty cool guy.

 

by Jarhead
6-28-06
Hey,Kid. I am Dalip. I am programmed to be your friend.
Can you make toast?
No I am here to be your friend forever..
I rather have toast..seeya!
When will man learn friendship is better than toast?

 

by Jarhead
6-29-06
Life is like a box of chocolates...
Ya never know whatcha gonna get.
Life is more like watching monkeys..
.............
One minute they are fuzzy cute creatures and another minute they're the lil'bastards that just thrown poody on your new sneaks!

 

by Jarhead
6-30-06
So....have you ever kissed a man?
I have.
Uhhhh....thank you, random stranger.
Well, he was very open.
I'm figuring people who don't wear pants usualy are.

 

by Jarhead
6-30-06
Did you know that the human head weighs around 8 pounds?
And why do you bring up this oh so fun fact?
I want to see if its true..
I do not like where this is going..
Now, can you lie down a sec while I go get the saw?

 

by Jarhead
6-30-06
Did you know us squrriels can turn invisible ?
See?? Isn't that amazing?? I mean think how superior we are to humans now!! I mean theres no way human can stop the onslaught of fuzzy squirrels now!!
**Squish**

 

by Jarhead
7-01-06
I started cutting my wrists today..
how come?
I dunno...my girlfriend just broke up with me and I just can't see how life could be worse..
I bet your life is worse than your five year old getting cancer as your wife just got hit by a car and your grandpa did suicide while your other child was just kidnapped and raped by your best friend.
....I also dented my car.
*sigh*...did I mention the kid has Thyroid AND Breast cancer?

 

by Jarhead
7-01-06
Why is there so much hatred in the world?
Maybe because you forgot a fuzzy little friend's birthday,asswipe!
............
I got you a shirt, diddn't I?
I'm a squrriel! Thats like giving a sports car to a cripple!!

 

by Jarhead
7-01-06
Ho ho ho, and what does your little friend want for christmas?
Tell him I want him to go blow frosty and go shove some holiday coal up his fat cookie-eating elf-enslaving ass..
He said--
I HEARD WHAT HE FUCKING SAID!!

 

by Jarhead
7-01-06
Fuckin' Zombies thinking they own the park..
HEY,ZOMBIE!! Get a life,Ya corpse rotting bastard!!
Hey, hey....we can all share the bench equaly..
Yeah...all you guys see is your prejudice thinking of Brain-eating Zombies..

 

by Jarhead
7-01-06
So do you eat bread people throw on the ground in the park?
WHAT!? Those are ducks!! You're comparing me to ducks??
I diddn't mean th--
This is bullshit! Complete bullshit! I'm leaving..
I can't belive he took the fucking bench with him...

 

by Jarhead
7-02-06
Did you see Kevin Smith made a clerks ll?
Yes..it looks really good.
It amkes me want to be a clerk...y'know what I'm going to quit my job and become a clerk so I can apperciate the movie more!!
Sure...you have fun then.
So...how was the movie?
Meh. I now want a carear in buisness...I'm gonna go watch Office Space

 

by Jarhead
7-02-06
Clerks ll comes out in two weeks.
I can't wait...i'm a big fan, I snuck through the vents of the movie theaters and seen all his movies..
All of them!? wow.
Every fuckin' one..
Even Jersey Girl?
Never utter that fuckin' unholy abomination Kevin Smith released upon this world..

 

by Jarhead
7-02-06
Did you hera that most of the movie will be setted in Mooby's?
What!? WHAT!!!?? ARRRRRGH!! I'm so fucking pissed i'm setting that child behind me on fire!
AHHHH!! Oh god!! mommy! MOMMY!! Wahhhh!!
Feel better?
a little..

 

by Jarhead
7-02-06
And so I belive he should have--
Excuse me, May I ask you why you set twelve kids on fire?
Kevin Smith put the setting for the new movie Clerks ll at Moobys..
Really?? My god...carry on.
Somethings wrong with this nation.
I'm like a lil'vigilante for pop culture justice.

 

by Jarhead
7-02-06
I'll be right back...I need to piddle, don't do anything stupid now.
I never do..
heeheeheeheehee heeheeheeheehee
Do I even want to know?
I was playing Dogma..

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