All comics by russman

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by russman
5-29-05
You know, I still remember my first love.
I know she still thinks about me sometimes, too.
Those restraining orders don't just renew themselves, you know.

 

by russman
5-30-05
I wonder what's in the bag.
Uh..Uh the cops.
I bet it's candy
Hey, would you like some of this.
Drop the bag little fellow.
Thanks, but I'm not supposed to take candy from strangers.
Damn, I hate good parenting.

 

by russman
6-01-05
This time Jimmy was detrmined to end it all.
It hurts more when I miss.
Death, though never surprised, was intrigued.
This a a new one
Surprisingly enough, having this happen in a cemetary didn't make Death's job any easier.
Death, is that you.
Come on Jimmy, we've got a long way to go.

 

by russman
6-01-05
Did you see the way that girl was hitting on me?
Oh yeah, she was into you.
She was all like how ya doin.
Man, she flirts with everyone, she's the drink girl.
You watch, she'll be back to see me in a minute.
I hope so. I ordered a beer and she's got your credit card.

 

by russman
6-02-05
No one taught Russ to just say no.
Wow, this is great stuff. This is gonna be the best night ever.
Russ picked up this good advice on the street.
Refuse to blow, refuse to blow, refuse to blow.
You have the right to remain silent...
Russ had to learn this the hard way.
Refuse to blow, refuse to blow, refuse to blow.
Russ, Russ, Russ. It's getting harder and harder to keep getting you out of trouble.

 

by russman
6-02-05
Sara, please write and diagram the first sentence from your homework last night.
I can't Mr. Klitz. My mom says I should never do anything that feels uncomfortable to me.
But Sara, this should not make you feel uncomfortable. It's just classwork.
Mr. Klitz, are you trying to use your position of authority to force me to do something that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm starting to feel uncomfortable.
I'm going to the restroom, I'd feel more comfortable there.

 

by russman
6-05-05
Farmer Brown didn't know why he cared what the bull thought.
I'm really sorry about what happened this morning.
But wearing a different costume each morning somehow made things better.
It's just that I've never milked a cow before.
The bull didn't seem to mind.
I hope the same thing doesn't happen tomorrow, when an astronaut will be doing the morning chores.
I wish the school girl would come back.

 

by russman
6-06-05
The singles' cruise had been a major disappointment
She really did "taste like chicken"
I hpe to see you at dinner.
He had meant someone but it just made him feel dirty.
Just kill me now.
You look tense. Would you like a massage.
Then when he was just about to give up..
Hello Sailor.
God, your ugly.

 

by russman
6-07-05
Feed the cute squirrel.
Hey, Little Buddy. Are you hungry?
Ohh, I've never heard that one before.
I've got a couple of big nuts for you.
Sure it's humiliating but it beats foraging.
That was funny. I should write this stuff down.

 

by russman
6-08-05
Just think about it. Have any of you ever saw a fat skeleton.
Wow, Cathy. You've lost so much weight.
I'm getting there. But I still feel like a heffer.
Believe it or not over 2 billion people have successfully lost weight on this diet.
How did you do it? You're not throwing up again, are you?
I was for a while, but I don't seem to need to anymore.
Please consult your mortician before starting this or any other program.
Cool, the food just falls right out of you.
I know. It's your skin that makes you retain the calories.

 

by russman
6-08-05
Rollo made a living, but not a good one.
This is fun, but it's hard to stay on the ball.
He was always looking for helpful hints.
You have any ideas?
I wish I could help the little guy.
His act got better. But Rollo never enjoyed his off time again.
I feel uneasy about this.
Wait a minute, hold still. I think I can solve the problem.

 

by russman
6-09-05
Detective Roberts, was impressed that Sgt. Harken could keep it together at such a horrific scene.
Roberts had been in the corner throwing up since they got here.
Harken never saw it coming and Roberts never did see the point.

 

by russman
6-11-05
After being laid off from GM. Wally tries to start a career has a robot impressionist.
Danger, danger Will Robinson
It really was a one joke act.
I'm Bender , I bend things.
Nope. There's no joke here.
Uhh, Queens pawn to queen 4...Come on you remember, Big Blue..

 

by russman
6-12-05
Excuse me Captain, I'm here to observe and report.
Are you one of those inbedded reporters?
Yes I am, where is the hotel?
What hotel, the camp site is back there.
Wow, who didn't I sleep with to get stuck with this job?
I don't know, but I'll persoanlly make sure you don't make that same mistake again.

 

by russman
6-13-05
Did you here Michael Jackson was found innocent?
Reasonable doubt is a great thing.
Will this have any affect on our relationship?
I don't understand , I'm not gay and your not a child.
But we do sleep together.
We only have one blanket and it gets cold at night.

 

by russman
6-15-05
I can't wait to get called in.
I'm finally going to get "fixed"
I wonder what exactly is broke.

 

by russman
6-15-05
Watch the newest reality television series.
Paris, my head hurts from thinking.
They're hot, it's too bad they can't hold a job.
Actual people watching reality television.
But chef, I can't feed eight with this cat and a bag of sugar.
Boy, it looks like hard work to be a cook.
And in six weeks, watch people watching themselves watching reality shows.
Who can eat the most throw up from the contestants on last weeks show.
Eww, I saw last weeks show, that one girl was really sick.

 

by russman
6-16-05
Russ was quite pleased with his new cell mate.
Sure, go ahead and finish my meal. I get full pretty quickly.
Thanks.
The coversation was thought provoking.
Do you think Tom will convert Katie.
Are you kidding, who wouldn't. He's Tom Cruise.
The sex was rough, but Russ was getting used to being on the receiving end.
Bend over hippie, Marty needs some love.
Just relax and take it, he's so good in every other way.

 

by russman
6-19-05
What's up Doc?
I'm sort of lost. I'm looking for Camp Screamawana
No one ever saw the rabbit again.
At least your not hunting rabbits.
Rabbits, I never thought about rabbits.
And the kids at camp had an uneventful summer.
Umm, the camp is back there. I'm gonna run along now.
Wait, I've got a surprise for you.

 

by russman
6-21-05
Forgive me Father.
This isn't the confessional, My Son.
FORGIVE ME FATHER!!!
Please keep your voice down, this is a place of peace.
I bet you wish you would have forgiven me now.
I probably should have but I'll be damned if I'll give him the satisfaction.

 

by russman
6-21-05
I just wanted to thank you again for going out with me.
Hey, a bet is a bet.
What do you mean, we never made a bet.
It was just a silly bet with Cathy from payroll.
I don't suppose there's any chance you won?
Ha-ha yeah right.

 

by russman
6-22-05
He had always had a fear of public speaking.
Come on, you can do it.
But this was a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just go for it.
And just like that, a future assistant manager was born.
Uhmm, would you like fries with that.

 

by russman
6-22-05
I get so tired of these stupid show and tell speaches.
Tell me about it.
I'm surprised they let you in here with the gun. Are you doing firearm safety or something.
Something like that.
If you're going to go on a spree why don't you go ahead before me.
Thanks man. I am on a pretty tight schedule.

 

by russman
6-23-05
My wifes' addiction to Fox News is killing me.
I really feel sorry for Natalie and her friends and family and I honestly hope they find her alive.
runaway bride signs book deal.
In their non-stop attempt to manipulate my emotions, they have turned me into a cynical, heartless jerk.
But come on, what kind of girl goes off with strangers in a foreign country in the middle of the night.
little black kid still missing, read scroll for more info.
I know it's not funny but after 3 weeks of non-stop coverage I just had to vent.
It's not blaming the victim, it's just common sense people.
stop reading the scroll and look up Natalies mom is about to give someone a bracelet.

 

by russman
6-25-05
It was surprising to be broke up with by letter after only one date.
blah.blah.blah cease all contact
The delivery officer seemed a little rude when he delivered it too him.
blah,blah,blah within 100 feet.
Maybe he would have to re-evaluate this relationship.
Me thinks she doth protest too much.

 

by russman
6-26-05
The interview for the Surreal life had not gone well
I'm Larry and this is my other brother Darryl
They always had the same argument on the long walk back to the cabin.
God I miss Darryl.
Don't start that again. You were the one who said how much better it would be to split everything 2 ways instead of three.
Larry had to admit that it had been a particulary tasty steak.
But I never told you to kill him
Everyone wants the steak,but no one wants to butcher the cow.

 

by russman
6-27-05
I still feel like a kid getting called to the principals' office.
Get in here. It's time for my foot massage.
Oh God, it's exactly like getting called to the principals' office.

 

by russman
6-28-05
Russ was pleased to run into his old friend.
Hey, Dude lets go grab a drink.
I can't. I told Jeanie I'd come right home after work.
It made Russ glad that he didn't have anyone he had to answer to.
Oh man, you are whipped.
I'm just trying to have a good honest relationship.
Oh it's a great feeling to know that no one cares............Russ decided to go ahead and have that drink alone.
Nope, I gotta stick with whipped.
I know.

 

by russman
6-29-05
Harold wanted to show his great love for Polly, so he set her free.
Harold was sure Polly would show her love for him by coming back.
Who knows, maybe the owl that had swooped down and carried Polly away would come back too.

 

by russman
6-29-05
Well, how does it feel to know that my conservative, get them before they get you approach is now official policy.
Our leaders are feeding on the peoples fears, sooner or later people will come to their senses.
I've brought something that will prove I'm right.
I think I have something that the people can rally around.
I don't know about you but it looks to me like I win.
I'll give you this round.

 

by russman
6-30-05
They were best friends.
1.2.3.
The pumpkin listened without judgement and was always there for him.
98.99.100
The pumpkins game playing skills are week. But Jimmy does enjoy winning.
Come on, you're not even trying.

 

by russman
6-30-05
Happy 4th of July
You know this is the 5th, right.
No, it's the 30th of June.
So, I take it you are no longer trying to be funny and are pretty much just amusing yourself now.
Pretty much.
You know by this time next week, even we won't remember why we thought this was funny.

 

by russman
6-30-05
It was a "Three Dog Night", The "Beatles" scurried, and were eaten by the "Turtles", who were being ridden by "Monkees"...
Jeez, can't you just say that the "Animals" were running around.
Come on, to win these contests you've got to throw out lots of "The Band" names.
Who are you kidding. You don't even know how to post this in the forum anyway. And do you really expect people to remember "Who" "The Band" was.
Russ, lost his nerve and decided not to show the young man his "Badfinger"
I just wanted to be one of the "Boys"
You are pathetic.

 

by russman
7-04-05
My first position of responsibility.
Basically, your job is to take this broom and sweep the floor.
Are you sure. I was told this is was to be a supervisory position.
It was a staff of one but I was in charge.
There's just you. You just sweep the place up every night.
You mean I get to supervise myself.
What a great 5 nights. I would have lasted longer if I would have paid attention to where she put that damn broom.
I suppose so. I'll see you in the morning.
What a dilema. Should I be a good supervisor and push myself to do good work. Or a lazy employee who has no boss.

 

by russman
7-05-05
She wasn't much of a looker.
I really appreciate you going out with me.
You are a sexy beast.
But we both wanted the same thing.
You don't have to build it up so much.
I want you now.
I think I can score if I play my cards right.
I'm enjoying just talking to you.
Whatever, you paid for the hour.

 

by russman
7-21-05
Well, if it isn't my long lost sister, the bride of God.
That's fuuny coming from the concubine of Satan.
At least I have a life.
I can see that. Excuse me, I have to visit some of the other prisoners.
You know, Mom always liked me best.
I know. She sends her regards, and a pack of cigarettes. You've made her very proud.

 

by russman
8-27-05
This sucks
The bomb worked perfectly
Why now
I can't wait to meet my virgins.
Why not on the way back from Vegas.
Man what's that smell. I think that dude crapped his pants.

 

by russman
9-05-05
God, I hate coming home from vacation.
I've got to go back to work now.
Remember other people suffering does not take away our God given right to feel sorry for ourselves.
And if one more person says that I'm lucky I've got a home and a job to go home to.

 

by russman
9-06-05
Let the other squirrels gather nuts. Chip would be eating well this winter.

 

by russman
9-07-05
I couldn't leave without my puppy.
Your wife is hot. What time do you go to work?
This is what would show up if I opened my house to hurricane survivors.

 

by russman
9-10-05
Hey Boy, is your Momma in there.
Yeah. Are you my uncle too?
Uncle? Do I look like your Uncle, Boy.
Sure. I got a lot of uncles who look like you. Are you gonna give me 5 bucks to go to the game room.
You mean all these uncles give you money to go away. You tell your momma she owes Uncle P-Pod some money.
Stupid Ho. That'll teach her to charge me for the hummer.

 

by russman
10-16-05
Hey Man, you're early.
I know. Let's get this party started.
You know I can't leave until 5:00.
But I'm ready to get this party started.
Man, we're just going to my place, to play X-Box and have pizza.
Pizza too? Let's get this party started.

 

by russman
10-16-05
Two wild and crazy guys out looking for love.
I'm feeling lucky tonight.
I wonder where all the girls are.
Don't worry man, let's get our drink on.
I hope they show up soon. I don't want to end up going home with you.
Is he just kiddng or does he know about Plan B.

 

by russman
10-16-05
Hi there. Can I buy you a drink.
No thanks. I don't really drink.
Heh-heh. Then what do you come here for.
I'm just looking to hook-up.
Ok. Well I better get back to my friend.
?

 

by russman
10-16-05
Well, what happened with the girl.
She wouldn't even let me buy here a drink.
What did she say?
She said she just wanted to hook up.

 

by russman
10-16-05
Hi, I was just think about something you said before.
Yeah, I figured you would, sooner or later.
Do you think maybe we could start over again?
Sure.
Well, would you like to hook-up?
God no. I thought you were going to buy me a drink.

 

by russman
10-16-05
No luck with the girl?
Let's just go play X-Box.
I believe I was also promised pizza.
OK, we'll pick one up on the way to my place.
I knew I would end up going home with you.
Plan B is looking good.

 

by russman
10-17-05
OK, here's the plan. I go hang out in the food court, you come find me when you're done.
New plan. You hold my purse, and tell me what you think of the outfits I try on.
Why should I give my opinion? You never buy the one I pick out anyway.
Silly. That's why I need your opinion. Now take my purse.
Could this be any more humiliating?
Honey. Would you ask the girl if she has a tampon I can use.

 

by russman
10-18-05
My friends manages a beach spring break resort.
What can I do for you?
So, are you working hard, or hardly working?
He says when the guests get annoying he just pictures them naked.
What can I get for you?
We need more toilet paper. STAT
God help me, so do I.
Are you looking for something in particular.
Where are the dancing girls.

 

by russman
10-19-05
Bobby was always quick with the quip.
Hey, where's the fire.
heh, heh, what are you going to do? Hit me with that axe?
yes
The bus ride home with the soiled, wet pants was tough. But Bobby didn't complain. And he was never so quick with the quips again.

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