All comics by withthelightsout

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hey theres an angry letter from some woman named Jill
She says you ran over her dog
she also says to stop crapping in her petunias
why doesn't she use email?

 

Oh My God I killed Him!
What Am I Gonna Do?
Well I suppose theres always Dennys

 

I dont understand why you took a member of green peace hunting mister cheney
wow i thought that would be obvious?
Good Publicity?
There easy targets, just chain themselves to the trees.

 

Hey Derrick Someone told me you've been stealing office supplies.
Of Course not sir that would br wrong
Well Thats good to hear derrick
Sir could we hurry this up i gotta catch the getaway carpool

 

All right your coming with me
Is this cause i pissed in the holy water?
you pissed in the what thats disgusting!
Whats Disgusting I washed my hands

 

Thats it Matt I think you should move downstairs
Why Do I have to Move down there why not you?
Matt , Remember when we talked about pissing on the neighbours porch...
I'll get my things

 

Hows the Basement been treating you Matt?
I'm Learning all kinds of new thing!
Like What?
Go upstairs and flush the toliet... you'll see

 

What are you Doing here Gandalf?
Trying to Bring Children to the church
You know magic is supposed to be the work of satan?
I know I just dont want all those little bastards burning with me complaining about the heat

 

Do You Believe In Hell JacK?
Of Course Matt Im a Devoute Catholic
Oh well Im not worried.
But Matt you'll Burn for all eternity
Naw, it should be full by the time I get there. Man Purgatory is Gonna Rule!

 

Hey Jack What If the Jews are right?
What Do you Mean?
What If Jesus Christ wasn't the Messiah...
I dont like where this is going?
And what if Barbara Streisand is actually a real actress...

 

Yes I Died a Martyr and made it to Heaven Bring on my 72 virgins!
Who Are you?
Im Neil
What Are you doing here
I dont Know but there are 71 more back there just like me

 

Wow A real Live alien!
yep
according to my religion you dont exist
but you see me doesn't that change my mind
Nope either your the Devil of Im Possessed.

 

So I hear your Jewish now.
Yep
Hows That going for ya
Pretty Good I'm suddenly very good at math!
Then Why Are we at a sale?
Purely Respect For my Jewish Heritage

 

I Just bought a Circumcise yourself at home kit.
Is That Safe?
I guess I'll Find out
20 Minutes Later
How'd It go?
Hey Can Jesus Heal My Penis?

 

Matt, only one of two things can happen when you do Religious Jokes. Either people will be deeply offended or they will laugh there asses off.
actually one of three things can happen.
Whats third thing that could happen?
Well, what if no one reads these

 

Sir What Brings you to the white house?
I'm a Tourist
Oh Okay I guess I can let you in.
by the way Im gonna need some help carrying my bo... PRESENTS! presents inside

 

I think this world of warcraft thing is getting out of hand.
Your just mad because I have the Helm Of Disintegration
No seriously I Think An Entire Generation may be becoming morbidly Obese because they spend all day playing these games and never exercise!
Wow your right. you can have my account I'm gonna go play basketball
Whos Helm Of Disintigration is it now bitch lol... pwned.

 

Wow 16 F Ab. you sound hot! wanna have some fun lol
4 sure! Im so turned on right now.
wait are you a dude?
lol. no of course not! take off your pants

 

Matt what are you doing with your life...
you dont have a job, you dont have a house of your own
I have a pet bunny
you sacrifice that bunny to Kratos
Hey! you have to respect the god of war!

 

wow matt this game rules
so does my invisible laser beam manouver
your what?
Oww
Fucking PWNED

 

Hey Matt, Check out this anti-gay website
I can't believe anyone would be so offeneded by someone elses sexual orientation
but matt gays will burn in hell forever
so theres no hope then...
On Alive or dead those guys are assfucked?

 

Hey Matt Check out this awesome Christian Rock Band!
Christian Rock? I thought Rock & Roll Was the devils music
Not Christian Rock
Why not?
Cause It sucks
I see anything boring is cool with god

 

All right boy you come with me!
Why Are you dressed like a ghost?
Im Not a ghost Im a member of the KKK
The Krazy Kipper Klub? I thought you guys just sat around eating salty fish?
Theres a Reason we dont like you!

 

So Unless You repent your sins and accept Jesus Christ as your saviour, you'll Burn in hell.
Sister, My Friend Matt says Hell is just a way christians scare people into believing the same as them?
I could beat you with a crucifix for saying that!
wow! Thanks for the help sister

 

You'll Find When You mock someones religion you will be greeted with great hostility and even violence...
But People must learn to be tolerant of other peoples beliefs that way all this anger can be avoided.
OH God I can't Feel My Legs!!!

 

I knew you would Be my downfall strange foriegn Man!
What!? I Didn't Do this!
I Knew you would be my downfall AIR CANADA

 

Get Out Of MY Country Stop Killing my People!
Sir I'm with the canadian Armed Forces .
Oh... So your Not Killing anybody then huh?

 

You Know that dog that keeps you up at night?
yeah?
Well He wont be doing that anymore
Matt Please tell me you didn't hurt the dog
NO! The Media Made me do it.

 

Matt my cousin Josh is coming to stay here for awhile.
I already know
Ok then do you promise to behave?
Can do.
and do you promise to stop reading my e-mail?
I have to do something once i get tired of the porn Jack.

 

you must be Josh?
Why Do you wear that mask?
To Hide My Identity.
But we Already Know your Matt.
Damn!

 

Whatcha doing Josh?
Im busy Downloading insane amounts of German Porn onto your computer!
Aww!! Check out what the chick is doing to that Bull Frog!
Im Not sure IM ok with this Josh!

 

Josh why is there a russian girl in my living room!
Thats my mail order bride anastasia!
YOU GOT A MAIL ORDER BRIDE!
This watch came free with her!

 

Who are you?
Are You Joshua?
It Naked time now?
Yes I am Joshua

 

I cant believe you slept with my russian bride
I Cant believe you got a bride from russia
What Heritage are you?
Im Scottish? Why
You Guys are gonna have some hairy kids

 

Wow Matt I've Never seen you without your mask before this is strange?
I guess I just got tired of hiding who I really was.
And whos that?
A Jewish comedian.

 

How'd Your First Show go?
Not To good someguy boo'd me so I decapitated him in the parking lot afterward.
Doesn't that seem a little extreme
This is who i am, a sickle weilding mask wearing killing machine.

 

Ya Know being a serial Killer isn't all its cracked up to be
Why is it unsatisfying?
No, I Just expected to be an urban legend sooner than this

 

Hey where do we keep the hacksaw?
We dont have a hacksaw.
man, tell me we at least have a shovel and some bleach

 

Dude what are you doing?
I'm watching 2 girls one cup.
oh yeah whats that about?
author note, if you dont wanna lose the ability to get an erection forever do not watch 2 girls one cup
eww...
SWEET JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD, AWW AWW AWW I JUST PUKED ALL OVER MY SELF OH GOD AWW AWW

 

Watching That Internet video has changed me alot Jack.
How So?
Well I no longer have the desire to kill anyone but myself.
I dont know if killing yourself is the answer. you must be overreacting. Im gonna go watch it myself.
I'LL BE HAPPY TO REMOVE YOUR EYES ONCE YOUR DONE. TRUST ME YOU'LL WANT ME TO.

 

Hey there Matt I haven't seen Jack at work for a couple days is he okay?
He told that if anyone asked I was to tell them the sight of another human person may cause him to want to burn off his own skin.
He watched 2 girls one cup huh?
oh yeah!

 

Hello Cherry Bomb readers. This is Jack and Matt here to tell you something very important.
The reactions to the two girls one cup video in this comic were simulated. The author whom you know as withthelightsout did in fact watch the video on a dare but for the safety of his characters
we did not. We are aware that many of you will want to see what all the fuss was about but we warn you do not investgate the video if you do you'll wish you didn't .
Dont Watch it seriously.!

 

Whats going on here who are you?
My name is virgil, and Im here to show you heaven and hell and purgatoroy so you can warn your fellow man.
ok so is this heaven?
No, this is my laundry room.... way too much detergent in that shitty machine of mine.

 

Is this heaven,
Yes This is what awaits a rightoues man.
seems like theres not alot to do?
Oh we have fun.
Like What?
On Saturdays we Spit on Elvis while hes asleep

 

This is purgatory.
Wow seems kinda bland
well its essentially gods waiting room.
so nobodys gotta go to hell.
No people still go to hell but isn't it a pain in the ass to have to wait 16 and a half hours to find out your going there.

 

So This is hell?
yeah
I expected it to be hotter?
It was but apparently the guy who invented air conditioning came here.

 

I wonder if today is gonna be a boring day?
You Know... The kinda day were you just stay home and watch T.V even though nothings on
Dude... I think that Zombies are in the city.

 

What are we Gonna do Man Theres so many Zombies out there
I dont know.... i think you need to stake them through the heart to kill them.
Thats Vampires
Undead shit is undead shit alright.

 

Dont Worry Dear we'll make it through this.
What if der zombies break tru der vindow?
Then I throw you at them and run like hell.

 

Why The Hell are you in your underwear?!
Well I figure we dont have very long to live so me and Anastasia are gonna make like bunnies
You could help us survive instead ya know
Naw, Do you want in on some of that hot russia love, by the way I used the last of your olive loaf

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