All comics by Porternotes

Profile

 

by Porternotes
1-05-17
Hey, what's going on? Were you... crying?
Actually... I'm lonely. I have no friends. I'm unhappy.
What about the guys on that comic strip page, aren't any of them your friends?
Those guys? Let me put it this way: I think one of them had to create his own friend on his strip.
That's kinda messed up.
What's more messed up is, I never know if it's the guy or the pig who's the straight man.

 

40 years ago I taught you the secret handshake... You owe me a favor.
You don't need me. Just keep pretending to be senile.
by Porternotes, 1-20-17

 

...and might I say, calling it Touched Twice is false advertising.
by Porternotes, 1-22-17

 

by Porternotes
2-08-17
Time is money, people! Let's get this porn shoot going!
Here comes my leading man. Oh no! Is it...?
It's "Big Dick Daddy: from San Luis Potosi, at yer service, baby...all 14 inches of him!
I should have known it would be HIM...
Que pasa?
..once we entered Mexico!

 

by Porternotes
3-09-17
I just discovered in the settings of our Alexa, recordings of everything you ever said to it and some things that were just regular conversation.
Wow... that's crazy.
Freak-Ass Bitch.

 

by Porternotes
3-30-17
10:00-11:00AM
Aren't you supposed to be working?
I am. I'm just taking a break to have some coffee.
12:00-1:00PM
What are you doing now?
Lunchtime.
2:00PM
Can you toss in a load of laundry?
Geez! If I was at an office, you'd have to do the laundry yourself.

 

by Porternotes
4-06-17
In the not-to-distant future.
My Fellow Americans... The recent events are truly a tragedy beyond the scope of any other tragedies America has ever experienced.
I'm talking, HUGE. Makes 9-11 look like rain at a picnic. This is why I wanted to make sure I appointed all the best Generals.
We have all the best intel. I'm talking, TOP OF THE LINE. And this all points towards North Korea.
So, we all need to send our best young men... and (sniff) women... to strike back at the Kim Jong Un regime.
I understand he's getting support from China, so we'll need to quadruple our efforts and take them on, too.
Yessssss... This pleases me, Comrade.

 

by Porternotes
4-11-17
Thank you for coming in today.
I got your message. My test results are in?
Yes, unfortunately things don't look good. It's cancer, and it's stage four.
My God! How long have I got?
I'm hoping long enough to cover the first twelve payments on my Mercedes.

 
by Porternotes, 4-14-17

 

Give you a what?
Not like I'm asking for a kidney.
by Porternotes, 6-08-17

 

by Porternotes
6-23-17
This generation is all a bunch of weed smoking lazy-ass D-bags.
I couldn't agree more. AND the ones who do work are only doing it to fuel their weed habit.
Despicable. No ambition, no drive. I'm afraid for the future.
Me too. I think we should get the hell out of this country as soon as we can.
I'm gonna grab a beer. Want one?
I'd better not, I took a couple of my "helpers" for my headache earlier.

 

by Porternotes
6-27-17
Checkmate.
Very good, Bacon. You get to choose the next game.
Let's play "Stefan Paladin".

 

by Porternotes
2-20-18
I'm done with the Olympics.
You are?
Yeah, I've spent too much time in front of the tv.
So you must've seen the nip-slip from the French figure skater.
What kind of a patriot would I be if I gave up now?!

 

by Porternotes
2-25-18
If we were on a desert island and the food ran out, would you resort to cannibalism?
So all possible food sources depleted? All vegetation? Not even any fish?
Yep. All possible nourishment. Just you and me looking at each other.
Yeah, I guess I'd eat you.
Want to play desert island?
It always comes back to this, doesn't it?

 

by Porternotes
3-09-18
Mr. Satan, sir. I've got a complaint.
What seems to be the problem, Sandie?
When I promised you my soul to win the lottery, I expected to win 50 million dollars.
You did. Along with 50 million other people.
That means only a dollar apiece.
Don't spend it all in one place.

 

by Porternotes
7-30-18
Let's have sex tonight.
You're funny!
Does that mean no?
You crack me up
I sprayed cologne on my balls.
Oh my God, you are hilarious!

 

by Porternotes
9-19-18
You called for me, Mr. President?
My approval ratings are in the toilet. We need to do something about this.
Perhaps you can roll back on a few of your least popular policies…?
Nonsense! The last Republican President had astronomical support in just 32 weeks in office.
You mean when 3000 people were killed in a terror attack on American soil?
Get Kim on the phone, we need to stir some shit up!

 

by Porternotes
2-04-19
Wait, so you’re not dying of Cancer?
Nope. I fooled you!
I even let you sleep with my wife!
Speaking of which, your gal has some sour-crotch going on down there.
I can’t believe it was a hoax. And I fell for it.
Yep. Hook, line and your wife’s stinker.

 

by Porternotes
6-24-19
Hey Cat, I'm tired of taking your bullshit.
What are you gonna do about it, Pipsqueak?
I've been working out, bulking up. Eating "Grow-tein" I'm comin' for dat ass!
Oh goodness!
That's when he pounded the shit outta my pussy.
No wonder you look like the cat that got the cream.

 

by Porternotes
8-06-19
Did you watch that video I posted on Facebook?
Nope, too political.
They were just talking about Trump.
It's bullshit. Celebrities, no-talent actors, they're not politicians and they should stay out of politics.
Wasn't that Trump's platform.
You're talking about the man I love.

 

by Porternotes
8-06-19
This area has really gone downhill.
What makes you say that?
Drugs are talking over everyone's lives.
Yeah, it's an epidemic.
It's getting so I can't sleep in my car anymore without someone dragging me out and spraying Narcan up my nose.
Well... it's an honest mistake.

 

by Porternotes
8-06-19
Why can't people just smoke weed and be happy with that?
Maybe because weed is not legal here yet.
This state needs to get with the times.
You could drive over to Illinois, it's legal there.
I'll just stick with my Oxys until they legalize it here.
That's the spirit.

 

by Porternotes
8-06-19
The newspaper wants to do an article on us.
The last one was not so kind, are they looking to completely do us in?
This one is a human interest piece.
Really?
So, I’ll tell them to contact our publicist.
You called?

 

by Porternotes
8-06-19
The newspaper wants to do an article on us.
The last one was not so kind, are they looking to completely do us in?
This one is a human interest piece.
Really?
So, I’ll tell them to contact our publicist.
You called?

 

by Porternotes
8-07-19
What makes you think you should be our publicist?
I have a finger on the pulse of the youth in town.
I’d bet the average newspaper reader is quite a bit older.
Parents are looking for somewhere for the kids to go.
And a safe location for all ages. Smart.
I credit my genius to mass coffee consumption.

 

by Porternotes
8-07-19
Publicist, eh? You’re just a kid.
Gotta start somewhere.
You don’t even know how to play the game.
Not understanding the rules doesn’t nullify me.
You’ll get eaten alive.
I’m shaking over here.

 

by Porternotes
8-07-19
You need to talk the talk. And not just any talk. Talk THE TALK.
THE TALK. Got it.
Let me hear it.
What? THE TALK? You sure?
Yes.
Ok… When a man and a woman love each other very much…

 

by Porternotes
8-07-19
You need my help with this article. You should take this seriously.
We are. Camryn’s going to talk to the press for us.
Ok. If you don’t want qualified help.
What are your qualifications?
If anyone knows how to spin the facts, it’s a former youth pastor.
Hmmm… you may have a point.

 

by Porternotes
8-07-19
Tell me how you would approach this piece.
Small town Wisconsin. A man. A woman. A dream. Coffee.
I’m sold. Why don’t you meet the reporter here tomorrow at 5pm?
I knew I could help! I’ll go home now and polish up my story.
I thought that interview was tonight?
Yep.

 

by Porternotes
8-07-19
The next afternoon.
I’m all ready for the interview tonight.
Things changed after you left, so we just did it last night.
Things changed? Why didn’t you call me? Get ahold of them and tell them not to run the story.
Yeah… that’s not going to happen. We think it’ll work out ok.
Well, I hope the article works well enough for you to meet my consulting fee.
I hope you’re feet work well enough for you to get to the exit before I kick your ass.

 

by Porternotes
8-08-19
This is a good one. Heh heh, I'm back.
I thought you gave up on your webcomic?
Well, I'm just getting testing the waters.
And how are the waters?
Cold, empty and unresponsive. Just like always.

 

by Porternotes
8-08-19
If you don't get responses to your webcomic, why bother?
I'm an artist. I create for the pure joy of creation.
It just seems like a lot of work for no response. Isn't there a better use of your time?
Hmmm... maybe we could have sex?
I think I heard a notification on your computer.
I thought so.

 

by Porternotes
5-27-20
Well, I guess it's time to go back to work.
You sure you can handle it?
I don't really want to do it anymore, but what choice do I have?
You've got this. You're the provider!
I'm starting to hyperventilate.
I can show you the Amazon bill if you need inspiration.

 

by Porternotes
5-27-20
So, what have you got planned this week? You need to go to the store? Or gas station?
Hadn't planned to go anywhere? Why?
I just think you should leave the house for, oh I don't know... Fifteen minutes?
I want to masturbate.
So, I have to leave the entire house?

 

by Porternotes
5-27-20
You don't need to leave at all....
I'll just go in the other room. You can do your... thing.
Maybe you'd like to participate?
Oh hell no. I'm good. Just clean up the mess when you're done.
I always do. You probably had no idea how much I masturbated before we'd been in lockdown together.
The stiff socks in the bottom of the hamper told the tale.

 

by Porternotes
10-12-22
I'm tired of begging for sex.
Good, I'm tired of you begging for sex too.
So let's schedule time to have sex.
Like on a calendar?
Yes. And whoever cancels owes the other person a special request.
You really are a glutton for punishment.

 

by Porternotes
10-12-22
Don't you want to have sex, ever?
Can't you be happy with our relationship as it is?
Sexless, boring and dry?
Also deep, warm and thoughtful.
Sex can be deep, warm and thoughtful, too.
More like shallow, sweaty and brainless.

 

by Porternotes
10-12-22
What I'm hearing is, you think I'm a bad lover.
I didn't say that, exactly.
So, what are you saying.
Well, mostly that you are a bad lover.
That's what I just said!
You said I 'think' you're a bad lover. It's not an opinion, it's fact.

 

by Porternotes
10-12-22
Well, you're no Ginger Lynn, yourself.
You're comparing me to a pornstar.
And an 80's pornstar, at that!
Ginger Lynn is the name I gave my right hand.

 

by Porternotes
10-12-22
It's true. I have sex with myself more than I have sex with you.
Now my right hand is more my lover than my own wife.
I feel bad.
That's the spirit.
Let your hand know I'm available whenever it needs to vent.

 

by Porternotes
10-12-22
That's it? You won't budge.
Nope.
No movement at all.
I'm not moving an inch.
Just like in bed.
Just for that... even less from now on.

 

by Porternotes
10-12-22
I guess you leave me no choice. If I want sex and you don't I'll need to look elsewhere.
Oh, really?!
Yep. If you won't do it, someone else will.
I don't like this idea.
You don't want anyone else getting the 'good stuff'?
I'd be like a Typhoid Mary for sexual disfunction.

 

by Porternotes
10-12-22
You don't want me to sleep with anyone else.
No.
To save your reputation, you'll have sex with me?
I'll do what I have to do.
Works for me.
Always has.

 

by Porternotes
2-15-23
It's getting crazy around here.
So much that a guy can't catch a break no more.
Or maybe just a wank and a nap
Good thing I still got paint huffin' to look forward to.

 

by Porternotes
10-12-23
Former President Donald Trump is hosting a press conference at his home in Mar-a-Lago, Florida.
We join this conference already in-progress.
I've invested in the currently failing stripcreator.com. Many people are talking about the great things this page will host in the future, and they would be right.Thanks to me, of course... MSCGA!
Bink Bonk
Bonk Bink

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