All comics by russman

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by russman
6-13-17
My Mom has been following the Bill Cosby sex trial.
She thinks all the woman are being paid to lie. And the woman he is actually on trial for is too ugly, so of course Cosby never slept with her.
I pointed out that Cosby admitted to sleeping with her so apparently being too ugly wasn't an issue.
I was then accused of being pro Hilary who of course is somehow behind the whole situation.

 

by russman
6-14-17
I'd sure like to fuck John.
Really?
I'd go down on John for hours. I'd pay twenty bucks just to see John naked.
I gotta go.
Hey, Lisa. Did you know Dexx had a thing for John?
I thought he liked me.

 

by russman
6-15-17
I often wonder if being drunk when I make these comics make them funnier.
I write fuck and shit much more when I'm drunk. I thing everyone knows those are the funniest words ever.
Some say that despite liberal usage of adult language being drunk may actually make the comics less funny overall.
I don't know if I can live in a world where saying shit doesn't make everything funnier.

 

by russman
6-16-17
Isn't this place great? I just joined you've got to get an application
It's Friday night before midnight. Less than ten people here and noone under 60,
I know it's great. I was in here at lunch and it was packed.
I'm too young to be a Moose I can't get be done drinking and in bed by 7.
Sherri was here at lunch. I remember when you thought she was hot.
She was 17 and I was 16 then. I've got absolutely no interest in someone that age appropiate now.

 

by russman
6-17-17
Every year its the same thing. We have to trudge through the bosses house and marvel at his wonderful Christmas decorations.
Quiet he'll here you.
You know it's not even July.
It's my turn to sit on his lap.
Twerk it Ted. Save a little for me.
Better stop Ted. I'm gonna let Mel finish me this time.

 

by russman
6-18-17
Hard Night at work, Mom. I'm going to go to bed.
Don't you want to know how my day went.
Ok, what did you do today?
Your sister and her husband took me to visit your father.
So my sister drove you 150 miles to go visit my Dads grave? Or did she take you to see her father?
Just go to bed, I'm sorry I brought it up.

 

by russman
6-19-17
When I jack-off I get a funny feeling in my balls.
What did you say?
Kind of like I have to sneeze down there.
What are you talking about?
I said, do you think the Indians are going back to the series this year.
Oh yeah. Go Tribe.

 

by russman
6-20-17
I know you're back there.
Beautiful day for a walk.
You know I've got a special purpose. You can't take me.
That won't work this time. I've finally figured out what your special purpose is.
So you finally watched the movie.
Yep. So lets do yours first and then I'll do mine.

 

by russman
6-21-17
Finally got an interview for the job I've been trying to get since I got back here.
If I get it I'll be up to making a little over 50 percent of what I was making when my life fell apart.
That's right, that's as good as it's gonna get.

 

by russman
6-22-17
Got a urine test scheduled for tomorrow morning. Once I pass that, the job is mine.
Thank God the slut only does heroin.
Any other drug would have tempted me.

 

by russman
6-23-17
Should be an early night. Christian wedding, no drinking or music.
That's crazy. Who would get married sober?
Thay all get married sober. Most just like to party afterwards.
I could barely stand at my wedding. It was two weeks before my wife saw me sober.
I'm sure she appreciated finally meeting the real you.
She liked the real me just fine. It was the sober guy she had a problem with. Luckily I didn't let him out much.

 

by russman
6-24-17
It burns. I'm melting.
Get in the car, Tom. It stopped being funny a few minutes ago.
It is hot you know,
Yes Dear.

 

by russman
6-25-17
Look who decided to show up. How gracious of you to honor us with your presents.
C'mon, you know I've been working two jobs.
Well?
Well what?
Where are the presents you are honoring us with?
I was going to go back and correct that.

 

by russman
6-26-17
Everyone Knows that cowboys have the biggest dicks.
I still say it's clowns. Lets ask this girl.
Where you been girl?
Crushing the white boys dreams, Daddy.

 

by russman
6-27-17
I'm glad you're home. The sink is leaking. Can you check it out?
If you've already determined there's a leak, what good will having me check it do?
I don't know what I was thinking, I thought maybe you could fix it.
Sorry. That's not one of my areas of expertise.
Remind me again, what your area of expertise is.
If you ever need something counted I'm your man.

 

by russman
6-28-17
Went Out to lunch with my Mom today.
Made an extremely awkward and certainly unsuccessful attempt tp pick up the waitress while we were there.
Mom tried to help by telling her that my problem was that I was only attracted to sluts...Believe it or not that didn't help.

 

by russman
6-29-17
I went to a bar tonight and they were having a trivia night.
They asked who was nominated for Ambasssador to Great Britain.
I told this one team of girls to write down Penis Penis and then bet them it was the right answer. I got my tab paid and got a hug from all of them.

 

by russman
6-30-17
What have you been doing since the circus closed.
I see, I'm an elephant so I must've been in a circus.
I just thought, I mean this isn't your natural habitat.
Whatever, what were you, the Pencil Necked Geek?
I did the books.
I'm gonna roll you on the ground now.

 

by russman
7-01-17
I worked with a high school kid at the wedding party tonight.
I'm so tired of hearing this song. They play it at every party.
They do seem too. I didn't realize Journey was still that popular.
He wasn't even born until 2000.
Who's Journey. I thought the people on Glee sang that song.
They remade it on Glee it was originally done be Journey.
I am so old.
I was just a kid when I heard it on Glee. What was it, from the 19 hundreds?
I think it was made in 1938. I had just graduated high school.

 

by russman
7-02-17
Went to one of those new bars that serve all the craft beers with a beer enthusiast.
After ordering two beers each that tasted like shit and cost $6 bucks a piece he was ready to go home.
I switched to Coors Light had six more than went to the strip club. If I'm gonna pay $6 for a beer they better come with titties.

 

by russman
7-03-17
I thought you were gonna sleep all day.
I'm supposed to I worked all night.
We need to work out a sleep schedule for you.
I was thinking I would sleep when I was tired.
I was tired the whole time you were growing up and I only slept a half hour a night.
I'm going to need some Adderall.

 

by russman
7-04-17
Had my first regular day at work last night. Boss asked me if I wanted to try pulling.
Told him I had been pulling for years. Would be nice to finally get paid for it.
He never even smiled. Probably won't be a long career

 

by russman
7-05-17
Move over. I've got to piss.
That'll be one dollar.
I'll just piss with you standing there then.
That'll be five dollars.
I'm gonna piss all over you in a minute.
That'll be ten dollars.

 

by russman
7-07-17
I pulled for a young girl last night.
This extremely hot girl came by to talk to her.
This job might be all right.
I should warn you about her. She's a slut. She's slept with at least seven or eight guys that work here.
Thanks for the head's up. So do you just take a number or wait until payday and then give her my check.

 

by russman
7-08-17
You finally have a night off. What are we going to do today?
Nothing better then spending your day off with your mom.
Don't be sarcastic, if you've got something you'd rather do than go ahead.
The sad part is I wasn't being sarcastic.
Great, I've got a two for one at Applebees.
What are we doing standing here?

 

by russman
7-08-17
I wonder what she's thinking about.
I wonder what he's thinking about.
I think she likes me.
I think he likes me.
It's time.
Help.

 

by russman
7-09-17
Johnny's in the backroom mixing up the medicine, I'm on the pavement
What the Hell are you singing.
It's Bob Dylan.
Who.
He was before your time.
Is he related to that old guy from the Wallflowers.

 

by russman
7-11-17
Why do you want to know if I'm antomically correct?
I'm curious. Just show me.
This is very uncomfortable.
C'mon.
There, are you Happy?
A little.

 

by russman
7-12-17
Last night I worked with an age appropiate divorced woman.
She bitched about her kids and her ex all night.
Reminded me of my ex-wife. I'm going to wait at least one week before I hit on her.

 

by russman
7-13-17
My Mom loves me working midnights. She thinks that means we have the whole day together.
I made you breakfast. I thought you might like something before you go to bed.
Thank you. I guess I could eat something before I go to sleep.
She doesn't understand that I still have to sleep sometime during the day.
The grass is getting a little high. Maybe you could mow it after breakfast.
I was going to wait for the weekend but if you want it done I'll do it today.
When I was a teenager and she used to try to make me go to bed, I always said I'll sleep when I'm dead. Now she reminds me of that when I lay down.
Oh I almost forgot I have a Dr's appointment at one o'clock. Maybe you could take me there before you go to sleep.
Sure, why not. I did get a few hours yesterday.

 

by russman
7-14-17
All right. I'm off until Sunday night. What sort of adventures will I have this weekend?
I'm guessing lots of naps than a miserable Sunday waiting to go back to work.
Of course Saturday I'll get drunk and try probably unsuccessfully to get laid. Could it get any better.

 

by russman
7-14-17
What's on the agenda for the night?
You look like shit. I got a couple girls coming to see us. You need to wake up.
I stayed up since I got off work this morning. I'll be ok after a few drinks.
You know alcohol is a depressant, right? That means it'll make you more tired.
Thank you Mister health class teacher. Now why don't you tell me what this scab on my dick means?
You still got that? I told you to get that looked at 20 years ago.

 

by russman
7-15-17
Finally. I thought you were going to sleep all day.
Sorry. I guess I was more tired than I thought. I hope it was good.
Sure about two minutes of humping then you falling asleep on top of me. It was great.
Again, I'm sorry, I've never done that before.
I guess I could give you another chance. Maybe you could last longer.
I meant the falling asleep part. The two minutes is pretty much normal.

 

by russman
7-16-17
Did you enjoy your weekend.
It was ok. Got lots of sleep. Kind of boring though.
Uh oh, looks like someone didn't get lucky.
No. I guess I got lucky but I was too tired and drunk to really remember.
Sounds like all my wedding nights.
Mine too. C'mon I'll take you to Bob Evans.

 

by russman
7-17-17
Everyone can't make it upstairs. Why don't you take a few days and see if you can do something with these files.
Something

 

by russman
7-18-17
How long are they going to keep us out here?
This sucks. At least you brought a sandwich.
I figured we might be out here for awhile. You should have brought something to do.
I did but I didn't think it through very well.
What did you bring...

 

by russman
7-19-17
I guess we surprised them all.
Yep. Everybody said it would be the roaches but it was us.
We should get started repopulating. Where are the females?
I told you. It's just us.
How is this going to play out?
I am bigger.

 

by russman
7-20-17
Watched a little of the O.J. parole hearings today.
Found myself actually rooting for the guy.
Mainly because it made my Mom so mad.
Turn that off. I can't believe he's getting away with it again.

 

by russman
7-21-17
Now that you've been here awhile, I'd like to give you a progress review.
Let me have it, Boss.
You've done a good job. You are very careful and haven't made mistakes.
Doing my best.
We are going to need you to work faster though.
So you're looking for mistakes now?

 

by russman
7-22-17
I'm Having trouble with my ball.
Tell me about it.
I just can't do it like I used to.
Everytime I sit on the throne, mine dangle like a teabag in the water.
Ok. Well it's all yours.
Great, time to make the tea.

 

by russman
7-23-17
What a great weekend. Wasn't it fun spending the whole time with your Mom?
Certainly made it seem longer.
I'm gonna fix you a big breakfast when you get home in the morning.
Yay. Another reason to live.
Someones a little grumpy tonight.
New rule. No chit chat before work.

 

by russman
7-24-17
They've tried all the dating sites.
Nothing seemed to work out.
Farmer's Only.com did work out for at least one of them though.

 

by russman
7-25-17
My brother-in-law and I have a competitive relationship.
So how you liking your new job at the "factory"?
It's ok.
For years I always had the cooler job and made fun of him being a nurse.
So what do you do at this "factory"?
Well, nothing as manly has being a male nurse.
I think those days are over.
Your Mom says you run a sewing machine.
It's commercial.

 

by russman
7-26-17
Paul had been spending his lunch hour down here for the past year.
He found it a relaxing break from the stress of work.
I wish they would exterminate this place.
Chip came because the old man always made a lot of crumbs.
If I had bigger teeth I'd eat his punk ass.

 

by russman
7-27-17
The hot girl at work actually talked to me last night.
Hey, can I use your dust pan.
Sure.
I thought it went pretty well.
There is a slight chance I'm reading more into it then there was.
Thanks.
Anytime.

 

by russman
7-28-17
And then someone banged on the car and I saw her at the window.
This may be out of my jurisdiction.
I thought it was a set-up so I shot her.
You're going to have to talk with someone more powerful.
I was in fear for my life.
If you were white with a regular name and she was black and a man, no problem.

 

by russman
7-29-17
To further demonstrate my lack of a social life.
Russ, is that you? It's been forever.
Danny. Hell I remember when we used to watch scary movies all night when we were in middle school.
I took my mom to an all-class reunion from my old elementary school. That closed years ago.
Those were good times. But now I have a personal relationship with Jesus.
Oh, that's great.
That's a half hour I'll never get back.
I'd love to tell you about it and invite you to my church.
It was nice seeing you. I better check on Mom.

 

by russman
7-30-17
What's up with the saddle?
Thought I might do some riding.
Riding what?
Whatever is available.
I've got horns you know.
Then I won't need the saddle.

 

by russman
7-31-17
It sure is hot in here.
Yeah it's miserable.
There's a pool at my apartment complex, why don't you come over an go swimming tomorrow.
Will there be any hot girls there?
What'd I say.

 

by russman
8-01-17
What did you do to Marion?
What? Nothing.
She said you called her ugly.
I think it was a misunderstanding.
So you will go out with her?
You know this is not the conversation I wanted to have with you.

Showing page 10.

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