All comics by AccentuateNegative

Profile

 

How are you enjoying living in the gay 'hood?
Remember how I used to live a block from a grocery store so I could run over there any time I needed something?
Yeah.
I can't do that anymore.
Because the store is farther away?
No, I have to put on something nice and check my hair first.

 

I don't know why I can't find a stable relationship.
Well, I've seen the kind of guys you go after...
You pick up messes faster than Bounty.

 

You should add me on your myspace.
I don't have a myspace.
How can you not have a myspace?
Any school district employee who has a myspace is immediately assumed to be a pedophile.
You could still add me--I'm 18.
But you're in college, right? Please tell me you're in college.

 

You've done pretty well for yourself in the last few years.
Yeah, who knew government work could be so lucrative?
Do you ever aspire to elected office?
You know me...
I like to be the man behind the man.

 

Wanna go to the park?
No way.
Why not?
It's Earth Day.
So?
That's like Gay Pride Week for stinky people.

 

So you won't go to the park because it's Earth Day?
I'm afraid I might get injured by a wayward hacky sack.
Why is it that hippies love hacky sack so much?
I think it's because its the only sport you can do in Birkenstocks.

 

My horoscope says I need to immerse myself in a group of people who share my spirit.
If my horoscope knew me, it would know I wouldn't want to be imersed in a group of people like me.
Maybe your horoscope doesn't want to be around you either.

 

This place has a restroom attendant.
I hate that.
Me too.
The only tip I want to give a guy in a public restroom is through a glory hole.

 

Hey, isn't that MeetMyMeat?
No, that's YourPoleMyHole.
You're confusing him with MakeMeYourToilet69
He looks a lot like MascPussyBttmBoi.
Didn't he used to call himself 2_Str8_4_U?
Yeah, until he met TwistedFister.

 

I should have bought condoms.
Whenever I buy just lube I'm afraid the checker will think I'm a...
WANKER!

 

I noticed you sell condoms in the same aisle as diapers.
Yeah, I guess to remind people why they're buying them.
Yeah, but that has no bearing on gay men or young people who never shop for diapers until it's too late.
Where would you put them?
In the liquor aisle.

 

I'm so tired.
Did you go home this weekend?
Yeah...I went back for the Derby. How did you know?
I kept hearing how excited everyone was to see the Queen.

 

Wannagotothepark? Wannagotothepark? Wannagotothepark? Wannagotothepark? Wannagotothepark? Wannagotothepark? Wannagotothepark? Wannagotothepark? Wannagotothepark? Wannagotothepark?
No, I don't want to go to the park.
I'm going to stare at you pathetically until you take me.
You just want to go because the other dogs sniff your ass.
Jealous?

 

I'm almost ready, Dad, just let me brush my teeth.
It's 12:30--you haven't brushed your teeth yet?
Yeah, but I have to get rid of this tuna breath.
Son, I'm proud of you.

 

I know all the sports trivia there is to know...quiz me.
Name a successful professional basketball player who spent his entire 8-year career on the DL.
There's no way he could be successful AND spend an entire career on the DL.
John Amaechi.

 

Hey, long-time, no-see.
Yeah, it's been a while.
Something is different about you.
Hmmm, I don't know what it could be.
You grew out your pubes.
Damn, you're good.

 

Were you ever in Indian Guides?
Yeah.
What was your name?
It wasn't Dances-with-Bears, if that's what you're getting to.
Wanna know what Indian name my dad gave to me?
Spread Eagle?

 

How come you always turn me down?
Have you ever read The Illiad?
No.
There's a wooden horse in it that has fewer Trojans inside of it than you.

 

Did you hear New Mexico banned cock fighting?
Define "fighting."

 

So, I'm dating this new guy. His name is Logan, but he usually goes by Wolverine.
That's great, Captain America. Where did you meet him?
Online.
What site?
adamantium4adamantium.

 

You know what the worst part is about the war in Iraq?
What?
All the returning soldiers who will force us to watch their one-man plays about their experiences.
I was going to say the quagmire we've created and all the dead and wounded it's caused, but I can see why your first instinct is its impact on the theatre.

 

Guys with foriegn accents are hot.
Not always...
I met a guy in Europe once and took him back to my hotel...
I could have sworn he told me he was a hung Aryan.

 

Hey, I gotta pee.
Bathroom's around the corner.
............PLOP............ ............PLOP............ SPLASH!
Wait, he's not pissing.
KERPLUNK!
Sounds like somebody's getting laid tonight!

 

I've been having problems with depth perception lately.
Luckily for you, everyone in here is pretty shallow.

 

Hey come here.
What's up?
The bottle of wine in the mini-bar has a cork and there's no corkscrew.
I don't have a corkscrew either.
I think we know which one of us is more capable of sucking it out.

 

So he takes his underwear off and the tiniest uncut dick I've ever seen is pointing straight at me.
Even fully hard, his head didnt poke out of his foreskin.
It looked like an angry teepee.

 

OOH! Free sample of my favorite facial scrub!
Please answer a few questions first.
Seems reasonable.
Are you:_______ 1) Less Concerned 2) Just as Concerned; or,__ 3) More Concerned about your skin...
...than other girls?

 

Top or bottom?
Mostly top.
Why deny yourself the pleasure of bottoming?
I'm an ass half full kinda guy.

 

So there's a criminal complaint out on you for giving oral sex to a man who was passed out drunk?
Y-y-yeah.
And there was another complaint filed against you for the same thing in 1998?
Y-y-yeees.
And what did you say when you were elected to be chairman of the Young Republican National Foundation?
"I will essentially be the mouthpiece for tens of thousands of Young Republicans, 18 to 40, across the country."

 

Not only did he have the tiniest dick I've ever seen...
He also had an enormous, untamed, wild bush.
It must have been like trying to find a needle in a needlestack.

 

I'm trying to decide whether to join the rugby team or the softball team.
Join the rugby team if you're a top.
Or the softball team if you're a lesbian.

 

This town is so boring.
Up in LA, we party at clubs until the sun comes up, then go to some stranger's house and have unsafe sex until we run out of drugs.
How long did you live in WeHo before you found out it stood for West Hollywood?

 

Hey sexy...
Uh-oh. Stand still.
Buy you a drink?
Avoid eye contact.
Woof.
This is how you foil a bear attack.

 

Get any action on your date last night?
No, we just went to a movie.
So you went out with a guy and didn't end up in bed with him?
Yeah.
What's that like?

 

Man, I've been exhausted all week.
You should try having a baby.
I have.

 

I am so fucking hot right now.
If someone tried to fuck me right now, the sweat running down my back would work.
You can come over here if you want.
You just want to sweatfuck me.

 

Calm down, go slowly...now tell me what happened.
It was awful, officer. I was asleep in my bed when I heard a noise...
Then what happened?
I woke up and they barged in here, tied me up, and did awful, despicable things...I feel so violated.
Did they...rape you?
Can't you see? THEY REDECORATED!

 

Time to check the horoscope.
You will see a new person open up to you in a deep and meaningful way.
That is so true.
I've been browsing pics of strangers' gaping asses on adam4adam again.

 

Homosexuality is a sickness.
I'll remember that.
Ahoy-hoy.
Hello, Boss?
Yes?
I can't come in today, I'm really, really gay.

 

I was talking with this black chick about gay marriage.
She was against it.
What did you say?
"You have to share marriage with me if I have to share a drinking fountain with you."
Fair and balanced.

 

Prison Break is on tonight! I can't wait--those guys are so hot!
You know Wentworth Miller would be more interested in me than you, right?
Oh well, a girl can dream.
Yes, he can.

 

Can I get a kiss goodnight?
Not after where you just put your tongue.
You put the Gaelic in gay lick.

 

Why do you have a $2 bill laying out?
I got it in the mail the other day to thank me in advance for completing a survey.
Did you do the survey?
No, and now I'm stuck with a bill that only old ladies use when sending birthday money to their grand kids.
Perhaps they didn't realize you're 50% more queer than a $2 bill.

 

Wanna go grab some coffee?
I would, but I'm not feeling so great.
What's wrong?
Just some stomach problems.
It must have been someone I ate.

 

I'll buy the movie tickets.
You don't have to do that.
I want to.
I'll make it up to you tonight.
You're going to give me $8.75 worth of lovin'?
Sorry, I don't give change.

 

Do you think we might ever get married?
You know I'm an old fashioned guy.
And you believe in the traditional definition of marriage that it's between a man and a woman?
No...
Before the middle ages, it was common to try and make a baby first.

 

Would you like a bite of my ahi?
Ew, I hate raw fish.
You gotta be the only lesbian I know who dislikes tuna.

 

The gay bars in Las Vegas are on Rainbow Road.
Did they put the gay bars there because it's called Rainbow Road, or did they call it Rainbow Road because all the gay bars are there?
I think they named the road first and the gay bars followed.
Besides, all the country bars had already taken Assfuck Way.

 

So why exactly were we together?
I loved you for what was deep inside you.
Trust me, it wasn't that deep.

 

Dave's company is looking for writers to come up with new scenarios for their pornos.
What, they've run out of situations where a pool guy/ delivery man/ repair man can walk in on two hot lesbians scissoring away?
Is that what that's called?
Yeah, you never heard that before?
How would I know that?
How would I know that?

Showing page 11.

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