All comics by Ranger77

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by Ranger77
7-22-05
All I'm saying is that we're upset that the President did NOT accept our invitation to speak at our national convention.
Did you really think that Bush would attend an NAACP gathering? Your political affiliations are pretty clear.
That's absurd. Our organization is diverse and the President is missing an opportunity to establish credibility.
Ok....If you say so.
We're also upset that Charlie Daniels and Hank Williams Jr, turned down an invitation to perform at our formal gala dinner.
Shocking. Simply shocking....

 

by Ranger77
7-23-05
A little change of pace today. I'm chatting with Dr. Hesaid Woodi of the Institute for Subliminal Thoughts. Go ahead Doctor....
Well I've learned some very disturbing things about the President. In examining his actions over the past week he is concentrating on the acronym "WMD"
Weapons of Mass Destruction?
Yes and no. His thoughts indicate it means that and "Well Maybe Damascus." An obvious reference to Syria.
Hmmm. Acronyms. How very "Dr. Strangelove". Scary.
Even more scary is his 'thought acronym' on North Korea. We picked up "Find Unauthorized Chemicals Korea-Every Molecule."

 

by Ranger77
7-25-05
Warning shots?
Five times. In the head. Dude, no.

 

by Ranger77
7-25-05
LONDON (AFP) - Giant carnivorous mice on the British-ruled island of Gough in the south Atlantic are eating seabird chicks alive in mass feeding frenzies, threatening several species' survival....
The house mice, while three times the size of those seen in mainland Britain, are still only one 250th the size of the chicks they attack....
The mice, which strike at night in large numbers, are devouring more than one million petrel, shearwater and albatross chicks on Gough Island every year....(Yahoo News 7/26/05)
Live strong.

 

by Ranger77
7-27-05
Hey, come here! I heard this interesting thing about how humans developed cosmetics. Evidently the redness of blush is supposed to give females that "after sex" look.
Can you repeat that for me? I was busy.
Never mind.
Envy doesn't suit you, y'know....

 

by Ranger77
7-27-05
"Yep, It's True!" presents "Wild Internet Kingdom!"
Today we examine a truly fascinating creature of the Internet: The AOL Volunteer.
Ask me anything you want....except about our software, our rates and our customer service! AOL RULES! We invented the Internet!
These curious people are unpaid (unlike the paid folks who work in India) and function like a cross between those 'elite' safety patrol kids back in grade school and adult film fluffers.
I'm running a Gateway Pentium III 600mhz with 128MB of RAM and a 10GB hardrive. VAH-ROOM! If you forget the specs don't worry, they're in my email signature!
Always remember they are most dangerous when they are being "helpful."
I WANT to have Steve Case's baby....and I'm a guy!!

 

by Ranger77
7-29-05
*sigh* I've got this AOL lawyer on the phone who wants to sue us for calling their software buggy, their customer service crappy, their connection speeds slow and their volunteers: "Fluffers."
We never said their connections were slow.
Fluffer: (noun, slang) an off-stage person hired to keep a male porn star in a state of erection.
Good point. Hold on a minute.
He said: "Never mind, then."
Good. I wouldn't want anyone to think I was being vicious.

 

by Ranger77
8-02-05
My wife is mad at me. Again. I just happened to mention that Helena was good looking and used to do adult movies and it just went downhill from there.
That wasn't the brightest move. It's my understanding that you NEVER mention anything positive about the women you work with to your wife.
Bernie, I'm rather surprised you would hold such an opinion. That's bordering on being a sexist remark.
Tell you what....ask Helena. Get the female perspective. After all, she was the topic of comversation....
You're kidding right?! Are you fucking stupid!?

 

by Ranger77
8-03-05
Look it has nothing to do with hormones, "emotional instability" or anything neurotic. Some women just know how men think.
I was just making a innocent comment to her about you. That's all.
And with that statement you put HER in competition with me. See what I'm getting at here? Based on my background, my looks and any secret desires you possibly have to be with me.
*sigh* Ok. I get it. Making her feel she had to "compete" was not my intent. And any suspected 'secret desires' is just plain ridiculous. I mean, come on....
And what the HELL do you mean by that?!
Geez....

 

by Ranger77
8-04-05
Ok, now Helena is pissed at me for not lying about wanting to have sex with her after telling her that my wife is mad at me for thinking that I did.....which I don't. Follow all that?
Like, Nope.
Maybe I should become a monk.
Uh...no. Have you seen the monks around here? They get more pussy than the Humane Society. You just need to relax and go somewhere with, like, conversation, entertainment and camaraderie.
In your own unique way, you're inviting me to the strip club aren't you?
It's OUR duty to, like, support the arts, my demonic lawyer friend.

 

by Ranger77
8-05-05
And so, later at the B00by Trap...
So what do you think? Nice place, eh?
We just paid $20 for parking, $7 for coat check and $25 for the cover and two drink minimum. We haven't even sat down yet.
Dude, you're, like, being too negative. Look around at these babes. Table dance heaven!
So let me get this straight: your solution for my being frustrated with my wife is to come here and get aroused and frustrated by a $20 lap dance.
You're not getting into this are you?
And they only have Pepsi! No Coke! Just SEVEN DOLLAR Pepsi!

 

by Ranger77
8-07-05
I just want to tell you I went to a strip club today. Chuck, from work, said it would be fun.
Oh really.
It wasn't. If I hear "Black Velvet" one more time I'll hurl. I watched Chuck drop $300 on one girl in the hopes he would get her phone number. He didn't. It was pretty lame overall.
Well I appeciate you telling me all this. I guess our marriage is pretty strong after all.
I guess so. I figure why go out for milk when you have a cow at home, y'know.
Cute. By the way, I'm in a wedding next month and you'll have to sit by yourself for most of it with a bunch of people you don't know....

 

by Ranger77
8-13-05
The Kid pitches an idea for a "Yep, It's True" strip.....
So. What do you think?
I'm trying to keep my composure here....I will NOT laugh.
www.dogcondoms.com
So you don't think it's rather interesting that someone has developed dog condoms to control the pet population.
Stop it. You wont get me with that smart ass deadpan delivery. I'm not going to laugh at this.
http://www.dogcondoms.com/product-recall.html
It's a shame really that they're being recalled. Evidently the meat flavored condoms are a choking hazard for small dogs. Guess it make sense since dogs love oral and....
LA LA LA LA LA....I can't hear you.

 

by Ranger77
8-19-05
We haven't had an assignment for our Internet Consultant lately so I thought I'd drop by and say hello to him.
Ooh.
As you can see he's a pretty busy guy. To know about the latest technology out there requires alot of work and research.
Aah. Ooh....
For example chatrooms and webcams that interface with remote controlled sex toys....
YES! YES! AWOOOOO!

 

by Ranger77
8-20-05
(No I haven't forgotten that the Monk's have a daytime talk show....R77)
Today we're talking to actor Trey McTrevor about the controversy surrounding sex and violence in video games.
I'm really upset about this. It offends me and endangers our youth.
But you've done a few movies that also had similar content.
You have to understand something.....motion pictures are artistic visions. Video games are not.
In your last picture you played an alcoholic cop tracking down an ancient alien serial killer who preys on high class prostitutes.
Ah, but the picture as a whole was an allegory to the Iraq war. Vision, man. ARTISTIC vision.

 

by Ranger77
8-20-05
The show's FIRST celebrity interview continues....
So, as an actor, you were particularly upset about the hidden content in GTA: San Andreas.
It was troubling. Myself and alot of actors in Hollywood are trying to be socially relevant. Healing, if you will. That game was a cancer.
Um....ok.
For example I'm currently producing a cutting edge documentary that explores sexuality in high school. I consider it giving something back to my young fanbase.
I've heard of it. Do you really think "Smack Dat Booty" is an appropriate title?
If you dont speak their language, you'll lose them my friend.

 

by Ranger77
8-20-05
And so....
So I guess after this "discussion" we know where you and other like minded folks stand on sex and violence in video games.
They say: "There's a place for everything and everything in its place." I believe there's a place for sex and violence.
Cable?
Or after 9pm during sweeps.

 

by Ranger77
8-29-05
Kwaaa-BOOM!!!
"Sorry guys.....that was me. A little accident. Nothing to worry about. Sort of. I mean, I don't think anyone died....
Dammit, Ivy!
*sigh* Just a typical Monday around here.
Uh, yeah. Actually I guess if you want to be accurate its now Wednesday. Of, umm...."next week".
I REALLY don't like the sound of that.
I love the smell of Plot Device in the morning....

 

by Ranger77
8-30-05
Chuck.....status report. How bad is it?
Ivy wont tell me what she was playing with, but whatever it was knocked us literally into the middle of next week.
Nice. Any other negative effects?
That's the funny thing. Our reality also, like, was altered. Ivy says our new timeline is virtually the same except for the fact that it seems Madonna never existed.
So no negative effects then.
Nope. Everything's cool.

 

by Ranger77
8-31-05
Well, we've altered time and space (again) and the worst we did was lose Madonna. Not bad. It's a shame WE still remember her, though.
Sometimes I wonder if all this temporal crap hasn't somehow upset the balance of things or at the very least pissed off some cosmic enitity. But that would be predictable wouldn't it? And a bit silly.
Ah. Yes. Foreboding ironic musings followed by the infamous "zap" effect. *sigh* Game on....
Where's Madonna??

 

by Ranger77
9-01-05
So let me get this straight. You're actually NOT a cosmic being but rather just someone who is "sent" out to fix temporal anomalies.
I am summoned and I respond. This incident is particularly of grave importance.
So you're a janitor.
Insults will not help the situation. Major laws of the universe have been broken.
Dude. Madonna. Fake English accent Shanghai Surprise I snogged Dennis Rodman and drink my own pee Madonna.
Do you WANT to live in a world without "Like a Virgin?!" I think not....

 

by Ranger77
9-02-05
Listen, it was an accident. I hate to say it but things like that happen alot sound here.
Accident, huh? So tell me how, directly after this "accident," was Ivy able to tell Chuck that the only difference in this timeline was Madonna being gone.
Dammit. I'll be right back.
We have a whole file on her you know. She tried the same thing with Justin Timberlake in 2003.

 

by Ranger77
9-03-05
Ivy, this is serious. I've got some time traveling fixit guy here because you decided to get rid of Madonna.
B. Come on. We're talking about Madonna here. Look around....no one is missing her except easy listening radio stations and drag queens.
That's not the point. We've obviously broke something or else this guy wouldn't be here. I think the answer is pretty obvious.
*sigh* Ok. I'll lure this janitor guy into a stasis field to disorient him and then I'll hit him with a molecular disruptor. The temporal effects, and the smell, might be severe, but hey, whatever.
You may find this hard to believe but I was suggesting that we bring Madonna back.
I could just hit him with that Vibro-battleaxe I picked up recently, but all that blood and burning flesh....It's hard enough to get folks around here to clean the microwave in the break room.

 

by Ranger77
9-04-05
This is a very serious violation, young lady. After I 'fix' this I may have to take you in to prevent anything like this from happening again.
Really....
Quantum forces are not meant to be played with by the untrained....let alone a mere human female. Do you understand me?
Yes. Yes I do. I'd like to continue this discussion, but I need to get something. Stay right here, I'll be right back.
I'm glad you're grasping the severity of the situation. As a "Temporal Engineer" my task is hard enough without....my that's an odd contraption.
Could you stand still for a moment. I just put a scope on this thing and I'm not as accurate with it as I should be.

 

by Ranger77
9-05-05
"So, you feel better now?"
No. I feel bad. Really bad.
"They say violence never solves anything and you've certainly proven it today."
I mean I even told him to stand still while I took aim. I'm really sorry about this, B. I screwed up.
"Do you know how much those Herman Miller chairs cost?? I had just broken it in...."
I know, I know. I just can't believe I missed the bastard.

 

by Ranger77
9-09-05
Are you okay?
Of course I am. It takes more than an angry woman with a ridiculously big anime gun to scare a Temporal Engineer.
You're lucky. She's usually a better shot. At least she didn't bean you with a Batarang. I told her to back off, by the way.
That was not necessary. I can handle myself. I'm a trained professional.
So why are we holding this conversation in a broom closet? And why were you sitting in the corner, rocking and repeating the words: "Easy Squeezy Lemon Peezy."
Meditation. And before you ask that's green tea on the floor and all over my pants....

 

by Ranger77
9-10-05
There that should do it. I hope everyone learned something from this. You can't fiddle with time and space. Everything is back to normal and Madonna exists once more.
Great. Yip-frickin-pee.
You know I'm tired of this elitist attitude around here. Some people like mindless pop music. Where would the world be without superstars like Madonna and Clay Aiken?
Clay who?

 

by Ranger77
9-10-05
Hey have you seen Reaper? He's not answering his communicator.
Reaper died last night fighting his arch-nemesis The Ghoul. He sacrificed himself to save the world.
Wow.
Yeah.
So....when do you expect him back?
I'm thinking next Thursday. Maybe a bit sooner.

 

by Ranger77
9-11-05
What's the matter with you? I was only kidding.
I am an alien ambassador to your superhero team and I expect to be treated with dignity and respect.
My people are a cultured and highly advanced race. We have transcended petty emotions. We also have little need for frivolous dialogue and banter.
Elf.
Kiss my ass.

 

by Ranger77
9-14-05
I hope you don't mind me asking you this, but how old are you?
20.
And I'll always be 20. That's the way it works. Female superheroes are always in their 20's. Cool, huh? And I get to beat the crap out of people.
That is unless you became male all of a sudden and were known as a dark, hardened, brooding character.
Exactly, and then I would be 28. Forever. I'm telling you you're in the wrong strip.

 

by Ranger77
9-15-05
Well that's that. Justice is served.
Wow. That was pretty incredible, Toro. But couldn't you have limited the damage a bit. All those buildings....and alot of people are hurt.
Couldn't be helped. Neutron is dangerous. If I would have been easy on him, he would have escaped and caused even more havoc.
Yeah, I guess. I think this little girl wants to talk to you.
It's okay little one. Everything is safe now.
Ummm, not really. My Daddy is a lawyer and he said "Ka-Ching" when you whipped that Hyundai into that Starbuck's over there. He's on his second box of business cards.....

 

by Ranger77
9-17-05
I've noticed alot of press lately on the qualifications of judges and their ability to be objective. I have on the line Judge Edward Peenee to comment.
Hello, Ira. Glad to be here to set the record straight.
Um, that's Iva. Your honor, you're 85 years old. Some say that elder judges like yourself having difficulty hearing cases dealing with technology.
Nonsense. Judges base their ruling by the letter of the law. That's timeless. And when it comes to computers or video games...um...what was I talking about?
Rulings based on technology. Like Stem Cell research for example.
People should leave those pretty flowers alone I say. Ooops! It seems I just went poopee.

 

by Ranger77
9-18-05
It's that time of year!
Hey Honey I forgot to tell you. We've got a wedding to go to this Saturday.... It's my best friend's sister's cousin's next door neighbor. I'm so happy for her.
Shit. I hate going to weddings. Shit.
I was friends with her in elementary school and I haven't seen her since. I'm so excited!
Shit. Shit. Dammit. Shit.
Even though its been over 20 years it's still important that I be there for her. She'd miss me if I wasn't there.
Shit. Dammit. Shit. Fuck....ummm, I said that last bit out loud didn't I.

 

by Ranger77
9-19-05
Biel, you really have some social "issues." Give me one good reason why you don't like weddings so much?
I'll give you three: The Chicken Dance, The Hokey Pokey and that irritating "Celebration" song.
I mean come on. Does anyone ever think that there MIGHT be a reason that "Kool and the Gang" aren't together anymore. It's because they made their eternal wedding crap song. Why bother with new stuff?
You know it must be amazing what goes on in your head.
Did you know if you play 'Celebration' backwards you hear: "We're still gettin paid for this shit, bitches."

 

by Ranger77
9-19-05
With all this angst about weddings I'm surprised you lasted through ours with no mental damage. Well whatever...I'm going to work. We'll discuss this later.
I guess the fact that you were hungover at your wedding limited the "mental damage" to only seeing me from time to time, huh?
Shut up.

 

by Ranger77
9-20-05
Britney isn't exactly mad at me. She's just a bit frustrated of my social skills outside the court room. I just don't like going to weddings.
I, like agree with you, dude. I had a bad experience at a wedding. It ended in me and this babe breaking up.....
October 13, 1993
Wow that was an awesome wedding. And those bridesmaids....they were so beautiful.
Yeah, they were hot. Especially that blonde chick. I think I might have go home and rub one out later on tonight after I drop you off.
You didn't actually tell her that.
I guess some people just don't appreciate an open, honest exchange of ideas....

 

by Ranger77
9-21-05
I'll behave at this wedding thing, don't worry.
Good. Behaving means a limit on sarcasm, moodiness, and darkly cynical and otherwise insulting wisecracks only funny to yourself. Got it?
Yep.
Good. Now there was a mix up on the dinner. Did you want beef or chicken?
How about a hot steaming plate of anxiety followed by a few slices of irritation.
Actually that's what I'm having right now.....and if you keep it up you'll be having the "No-Nookay" platter with a side order of couch.

 

by Ranger77
9-23-05
Look, I just wanted to say I appreciate you being ok with going to the wedding. You haven't complained about it in two days.
It's okay. I'm looking forward to it.
I'm glad. Thanks. I'll be right back.
It's no problem. None at all.
So how long are you going to keep medicating yourself with Benedryl and beer?
It's okay. I'm looking forward to it. It's no problem. None at all.

 

by Ranger77
9-24-05
At the Wedding!
Excuuse me. Am I standing up?
For the moment.
Do I know you? You're awful red. Don't think I know any red people.
Nope. I was dragged here by my wife. She's out on the dance floor doing "The Hustle." I'm just here drinking to forget.
Shit. Probably isn't good for the groom to be this drunk, huh?
I've met the bride....get used to it.

 

by Ranger77
10-02-05
You're back! Wow you were dead for a long time huh? For us superheroes coming back is always a tricky thing.
It makes you think about what's beyond this physical world and if it's really worth the effort to come back and fight crime.
After awhile you'll make peace with yourself and your duty. While things might not be the same, life will begin to become....
Screw all that. Who's been eating my Jolly Ranchers?!

 

by Ranger77
10-07-05
So who are you?
Just an observer. I understand you died and came back.
Yep. Second time. Didn't care much for it.
So no feeling of peace, no white corridors....?
Let me put it this way: You ever been to Hamtramick, Michigan?
Ummm....Lots of bars, no public toilets, and a holiday bulit around the sale of bad jelly donuts. That's a bit disturbing.

 

by Ranger77
10-08-05
So when I was dead, this guy was talking to me....
You held a conversation with God?
Not exactly. I don't think it was God. It was some likeable guy who kept telling me these incredibly wise and clever things. And then he would say these really goofy and spaced out things.
Bill Cosby IS still alive isn't he?
Far as I know.

 

by Ranger77
10-12-05
Cancelled. I still can't believe it.
After many successes, my brother, we were due to fail sometime.
I guess so. What did we get replaced with?
They said that the demographic for daytime television didn't suit you and I. They've put together another talk show with different hosts to be more competitive....
Coming up next, a yummy refreshing low cal desert recipe and part 2 of our interview with Matt Damon. Ooooh yeah! Calm down, girls!
So keep it locked in and we'll be back with more "LOL111"....

 

by Ranger77
10-12-05
They say, being depressed makes you do stupid things.
Yes. That's true.
Being monks, we're supposed to be above such things, using our spiritual strength to cope.
Agreed.
So why did I slam a fifth of Ciroc again?
Umm....because being depressed makes you do stupid things?

 

by Ranger77
10-15-05
You know I'd really like to take martial arts lessons from you, but how do I know that all that stuff I see in movies about monks isn't fake?
Well consider this: I just did a soft spin kick into your abdomen. It will hurt severly in about 30 seconds. I also ate the bologna out of your sandwich.
Ow.
I grabbed $20 out of your wallet for the trial lesson. Should I even ask why you're carrying around a picture of Condolezza Rice?

 

by Ranger77
10-16-05
And now, a few words with Brother Monk #2 and his cat.
We've been asked to talk about the FCC's "War on Obscenity" in the media and the assault on free speech.
Unfortunately we've also been asked to do an opinion piece on the Iraq war at the same time.
Evidently the FCC has problems with the words "bitch", "ass" and the perennial favorite "fuck."
And it seems that this war is taking an enormous toll on our country.
So in essence, we better hurry up and defeat those insurgent sons of BITCHES so we can get our ASS out of Iraq.
Or we're FUCKED.

 

by Ranger77
10-17-05
So how do you like being that monk's cat.
Fine. It's a great gig.
Really?
Of course. Brother Monk #2 is kind, generous and we rarely have any type of disagreement. I am, and will always be, proud to be his pet.
This illusion mind trick isn't working is it?
Nope. Not a bit. And for the record: you suck.

 

by Ranger77
10-23-05
Oh man....the joints are a little sore today. I should probably start taking it easy.
Well finally Mom, you're beginning to realize you're not that young 70's "hot chick" anymore. Maybe its time for you to settle down a bit.
I'll say. No more trapeezes for me. If Stan and that college kid want to come over for the group thing I'll have to restrict it to a couple of times a week.
Mom....
I mean it's enbarrasing and all when you have to warm up to put your ankles behind your neck, but it does help the flexibility, y'know. Besides when you're doing the double headed dil....
Please. Stop talking. Now.

 

by Ranger77
10-23-05
You know.... for someone who used to work in porn, you sure are rather prudish.
I did g/g porn for six years. I made my money and I'm done with it. You on the other hand were involved in some wild, freaky stuff when you were in the business.
Girl/girl isn't porn, its a vacation. And don't cheapen the adult film business in the late 70's. It wasn't "freaky". It was bold and artistic. I worked with some good people.
I'm sure you did, Mom, but you can't continue this lifestyle of yours. For me it was a job, but for you it was a way of life. The industry is rather shallow and unforgiving. Then AND now.
I still get Christmas cards from Dick Longe.
I suppose if you gave someone dressed as a vampire a blowjob while another guy was doing you from behind, they would tend to keep in touch.

 

by Ranger77
10-24-05
You know you shouldn't be so uptight. I may be a little old but I still have the goods. I will not become one of those old biddies with 30 cats and a subscription to Reader's Digest.
Fine. You've forced me to do this. Since I've talked to you yesterday I got a makeover, just to show you what you're up against.
*sigh* You think its possible to have sex in a rocking chair.
As long as you avoid all those cat tails you should be fine.

Showing page 11.

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