All comics by lukket

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by lukket
3-25-06
Does Steve ever, you know, suck you?
No. And his sexual offers of late have all been very weird.
What now?
Just yesterday he asked me, if I wanted him to give me cunning linguists.
That sounds kinky?
I'm not sure. Aren't they boring little nerds?

 

by lukket
3-25-06
How are things with Steve?
I don't know. He seems so stupid.
What has he done now?
I gave him small hints that I want him to take me from behind. But he misunderstood.
How?
He asked if I wanted to go anal which is stupid because I usually don't make a fuss over pointless things.

 

by lukket
3-25-06
Hi. How may I help you?
Well, I would like to return the cat I bought a couple of weeks ago.
Is it sick?
No. Not at all. It's just that my boyfriend acts all weird around it.
Does he hurt it?
No, but yesterday he said that he wanted to lick my pussy.

 

by lukket
3-25-06
You're breaking up with Steve? Why?
Well. He's cruel to animals.
How did you find out?
Yesterday I asked him if he had sex before we met.
And?
He said "not unless you count spanking the monkey"

 

by lukket
3-25-06
So. How's it like to be single again?
OK. I guess. I just miss having a boyfriend.
Aw. You'll get one. There's plenty of fish in the sea.
Yeah. Maybe I should go catch one
Go girl!
I guess I have to use some of that master bait I keep hearing about.

 

by lukket
3-25-06
I saw you kissing Steve yesterday.
Yeah. I wanted him back, so I met with him.
Good for you. Everything's alright now?
Not really. I wanted him badly, but he spoiled it.
What'd he do?
He suggested make-up sex, and imagining him in make-up makes me sick.

 

by lukket
4-09-06
Where were you yesterday night?
Well. It was very weird. Steve called and said that I should come over so we could screw. I told my mom.
You told your mom that you and Steve were going to screw at his place?
Yeah. I'd thought she'd lend me a screwdriver, but instead she told me that I couldn't go unless I protected myself.
Wish my mother was like that.So, you were at Steve's place all night?
Well. She grounded me for saying that there was no need to protect yourself when screwing. I don't understand. Isn't it more dangerous to hammer in nails?

 

by lukket
4-09-06
So Steve. You're still trying to get back with Sue?
Yeah. She's beginning to get on my nerves, though.
What now?
I called her up and told her that I was horny and needed her over.
Let me guess; she though you were developing antlers?
Yeah. When she came over, she got mad at me and said I had lied to her and made her all worried.

 

by lukket
4-09-06
I know how you'll get Sue to understand you. It isn't hard.
It's always hard when I think of her.
The PLAN isn't hard.
Oh. Yeah. Right. Wasn't thinking.

 

by lukket
4-09-06
You need to be more direct with Sue; you should say things straight out of the bag. Try to say "I want to fuck you"
I want to fuck you.
Louder and with more feeling.
I WANT TO FUCK YOU BABY!!
By the looks of it, you're going to find a new boyfriend.
Maybe that is why he was so strange all the time.

 

by lukket
4-09-06
Oh. Hi Sue.
Hi Steve, you bastard.
Um. Just to clarify: I wasn't jumping out of the closet just now.
Of course you didn't.
I'm so glad you understand.
There's no closet here. Now, why didn't you tell me of your love for Bryan? Do you think I'm stupid?

 

by lukket
4-10-06
So here's the deal. I'm going to show you how 50/50 works. Do you have a $100 bill?
Um. Yeah.
Great. Now I give you 50%. That's $50. You now have $150. Now you give me back 50% that's $75.
Sure. No problem.
There. That's how you split 50/50.
Um... I'm not sure I got that. Could you repeat it?

 

by lukket
4-12-06
OK. Let's try this 50/50 thing again...
Got it. So you've got $75, right? So I give you $75 that's 100%.
Um. Yeah. That's right.
Good. So now you give me 100% back.
Um. Here's $150. But...
I think I got it now.

 

by lukket
4-12-06
I know what you're up to. You're just sitting there watching me. Waiting for me to say something funny. But I won't give you what you want.
Dang! You're that guy with "The Silent Penultimate Panel Watch", aren't you.

 

by lukket
4-13-06
Hello, this is the suicide hotline. How may I help you.
Hi, I'm about to kill myself with a hammer and a nail.
Mr. There's no reason for doing that. Won't you be missed?
Nobody will miss me.
Probably not. But the hammerhead might miss you and render you unconscious. It's much safer to jump out from a tall building.
I guess you're right. Thank you very much suicide hotline.

 

Why are you leaving your boyfriend?
Well, you know. He's just such a boar.
by lukket, 4-30-06

 

by lukket
5-15-06
I had enough! Something needs to be done about that flooding. My secretary has made a speech, and I'm going on live tv in an hour.
Um, Mr. President, you hopefully realise that it's too late to send the National Guard to New Orleans?
Oh no. I've given the orders and the speech is ready. What do we do.
I just got an idea. Why don't we just send them to the border to curb the influx of illlegal immigrants. You can use the same speech.

 

by lukket
5-21-06
Say hello to Lucy. She has a speech impediment.
Hey! Which is more accept this, in order to mean?
As you can hear, she speaks in Babel. The language of those who play too much with Babelfish.
forbid to the elimination!
I won't translate that, but let's say that it's profane.
They bet that you are!

 

by lukket
5-22-06
Aw. That was a good long ... oh shit ... it's 5 PM and I forgot to ask Ben for the code to the alarm. Better stop him before he leaves.
beep *slam* beeeeep
Hey wait!
4 hours later
Why are weekends normally never this long?

 

by lukket
6-11-06
I'd like a biography on Martin Luther, but I can't seem to find one here?
Martin Luther is against my personal beliefs.
I don't get it. Isn't this the Protestant bookstore?
My job has made me a counter-reformist.
And the cat?
I'm a cat-holic too.

 

by lukket
6-24-06
It's appalling that we Republicans are being critized for not participating personally in the Iraqi mission.
It's actually in the best interest of our troups...
Oh?
... that we haven't sent Dick Cheney down there with a gun.
Ah.

 

by lukket
6-26-06
Where's your Ray Ban sunglasses? Have they been stolen?
No. I've put them out for sale on eBay, but I'm not sure if I can trust the buyers.
That's easy - send them COD!
Come on open that door so I can deliver this fish smelling package and inhale again.

 

Will you still need me / Will you still feed me / When I'm Sixty-Four?
NO!
by lukket, 7-05-06

 

by lukket
8-27-06
You wouldn't hit a disabled man with glasses, would you?
No. Of course not.
Hey! You said you wouldn't hit me!?
Well. I didn't hit you with glasses now, did I?

 

by lukket
9-17-06
You know that feeling you sometimes get when you go somewhere and suddenly can't remember what you were supposed to do there?
Um. Yeah.
It usually disappears when it's to late and you remember it.
True, true.
Today I just remembered that I'm nearing 31 with no wife and kids.

 

by lukket
9-17-06
Miguel, this is crazy! What am I supposed to do now?
The way I figure it, there's only two options...
You can sell your body or marry a rich old fart and hope that he dies soon.
Isn't there any other options?
You can of course try to gain weight and be rehired.

 

by lukket
9-24-06
I'm hungry. Why are we leaving? Are we there yet? Can we go back? What do you have against Sodom and Gomorrah?
Quiet, woman. We haven't left the city boundary yet.
5 minutes later
Are we there yet? When are we going to get a rest. Why do you listen more to God than me? I'm hungry. How far are we?
I give up. Turn around and find out how far we are.
Thank you God

 

by lukket
9-30-06
In my new restaurant justice will be served!
Magistrate will be too. I don't discriminate.

 

by lukket
10-14-06
[1][ ][ ][ ][ ][ ]
[ ][2][ ][ ][ ][ ]
Ah, Jack. Or should I say, Hi Jack. So. Where's Jack off to?
[ ][ ][3][ ][ ][ ]
I'm going to the fourth floor.
Ah. Nice to see you going forth.

 

by lukket
10-14-06
[ ][ ][3][4][ ][ ]
Hey! Why aren't we moving?
I think the elevator stuck. Or maybe we have a half floor like in "Being John Malkovich"
[ ][ ][3][4][ ][ ]
I better call for help.
Yeah. While we wait for help, allow me to tell you the plot of "Fight Club"
[ ][ ][3][4][ ][ ]
I haven't seen it, so please, no spoilers
Well, you see this guy decides to become someone else...

 

by lukket
10-14-06
.. and then
... and the funny thing is when he figures out that he's just made up everything from the scraps of paper on the wall behind him...
later
... and you see it turns out it's really the name of a sled from his childhood ...
much later
... so you see he was really the one who killed her ...

 

by lukket
10-14-06
[ ][ ][3][4][ ][ ]
... but don't let me spoil your surprise by telling you that much of what he experiences in the beginning in the movie is only figments of his mind ....
[ ][ ][ ][4][ ][ ]
Ah. It works again. I think this is your floor.
[ ][ ][ ][ ][5][ ]
Cool. He gave me money to stop. I knew that elevator remote would come in handy.

 

by lukket
10-21-06
Did you hear about the study that says men can be straight if they "apply themselves?"
Well?
I'm sorry. I just got reminded of a video clip someone sent me a link to. It was this man that really applied himself.
Oh yeah. He was kind of gay in a self-loving way.
Yeah. If I could do like he did I wouldn't need to hang around in bars.

 

by lukket
10-21-06
Did you hear about the study that says men can be straight if they "apply themselves?"
So. What they're saying is that basically all lazy guys are just gay?
I guess so.
You wanna go back to my place?
Yeah, all right.

 

by lukket
10-21-06
Hey! What are you doing here. I thought you were at Mikes bachelor party?
I was, but it went all wrong. He wasn't allowed to have a stripper, so we booked a motel room and made them call for a prostitute.
And Suzie discovered it, I bet?
Well... he always thought she played bingo on all those Friday nights.
So they were both very surprised when she entered the door in very skimpy clothes.

 

by lukket
10-22-06
Yeah?
Hi, I'm from the local girl scout group. We sell home made mouse mats. Please buy one to support us.
Why should I do that? I got plenty already.
Yeah. But this one is special.
So? What does it say?
"KEEP OUT"

 

So, I see in your resumé that you spent four years on a special project at AT&T. May I ask what it was.
I was working on making a duck call.
by lukket, 11-09-06

 

What do you think of my latest invention, James?
It's ridiculous, Q, I'm sure this is not what M meant when she said I'm going to go under cover.
by lukket, 11-12-06

 

I don't expect you to sing, Bond, I expect you to die.
For the last time, I'm Blunt, James Blunt!
by lukket, 11-12-06

 

by lukket
11-12-06
Former secretary of defence, Donald Rumsfeld, has just been named head of communication for Disneyland. Our reporter is at his side for a special live interview.
Your critics has wondered why you've been chosen considering your lack of experience in the field. What is your message to them?
If you are not criticized, you may not be doing much.
Controversy aside, what news can we expect in Disneyland in the upcoming summer season?
If a person is determined to fight to the death, then they may very well have that opportunity.

 

by lukket
11-14-06
I believe, my wife is fucking a pedant, Martin.
Um. Mike, shouldn't it be "a fucking pedantic"?
Oops.

 

by lukket
11-29-06
Tell me the truth about that bank job, or I will make life a hell on earth for you. Now, my new colleage Frank will talk to you, and I'll think of what to do to you if you don't talk meanwhile.
Oh well. So you say you don't know anything. You're free to go. See you!
Well, Frank, I think we need to go over the "Good cop / Bad cop" routine again.

 

by lukket
12-02-06
Frank, now I'm going to be the good cop, and you'll be the bad cop. OK?
Alright, then.
You see. My colleague here thinks you murdered your wife, but I'm sure you didn't, so can you please help me with my questions?
For $10,000 I agree with my colleague.

 

by lukket
12-03-06
Now, Frank, I'll let you arrest this guy and let you give him the Miranda declaration.
Uh?
Yeah. You know, his rights.
Um... ok...
You have the right to say "Miranda", you have the right to be named "Miranda" and if you believe in a god called "Miranda" - hey that's a right you also have.
Huh?

 

Hi Martin. How are you?
Well... I just went to the crapper for the tenth time today. I think the shrimps at my dad's wake yesterday were bad, or maybe it's an after-effect from being gang-raped last Friday. And how are you?
by lukket, 12-03-06

 

by lukket
12-03-06
Welcome to McRapey's. May I take your order, Mister?
Yeah. I'll have a large wiener with meat balls and one of your anal crapes. Oh yeah, and a dont-try-any-funny-stuff-I-am-a-cop-and-could-take-your-license
If you don't like assrape, it's hard to eat at these places.
Yeah. We have a place just like it in London.
What's it called?
Bugger King

 

by lukket
12-09-06
What's going on here!? Purchasing told me to come and talk to you.
Um. Well, I didn't know that we get toilet paper in pallets, so by accident I ordered enough for 50 years' use.
Shit!
Yeah, I know it's bad, but what can I do.
What about following the order, I just gave you.

 

by lukket
12-16-06
You may wonder why I have this bench in here.
You may also wonder why I wear this mask.
But you see, I'm a computer journalist, and right now, I'm benchmasking.

 

by lukket
12-16-06
How may I help you sir?
I would like a nice and juicy beef steak.
I'm sorry, we don't sell beef.
Oh. Can I have a lamb chop then?
Sir, we don't sell lamb meat - this is a vegetarian restaurant!
Alright, just give me whatever meat you eat in Vegetaria, then.

 

by lukket
12-17-06
Who is it?
It's the mail man. I've got a huge package for you.
I'm coming right away!
Who are you?

Showing page 11.

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