All comics by russman

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by russman
8-02-17
What did you want to talk to me about?
I was hoping to ask you out.
What about you and Marion?
There is no me and Marion.
Marion's my friend.
You know for someone that's supposed to be easy you are making this very hard.

 

by russman
8-03-17
It's just some sort of growth.
I think it needs to be removed.
I guess I could let a doctor take a look at it.
I can take it off, no charge.
Wait not a good idea.
That was easier than I thought it would be.

 

by russman
8-04-17
Do you have any plans for this weekend?
I was invited to go swimming at the apartment of some lady I work with.
That sounds like fun. Why don't you go?
She's not really my type, kind of old and not very pretty.
How old and not pretty is she?
Couple of years younger than me and about 20 pounds overweight. So that's an obvious deal breaker, right?

 

by russman
8-05-17
It's about time I'm already two ahead of you.
That's what you think, I drank three on the drive over.
C'mon, you only live five minutes away.
I know I forgot I had the six pack in the back until I was half way here.
Remember you're the designated driver tonight.
Shit that's right. Let's do a couple of shots then I'll switch to light.

 

by russman
8-07-17
I worked with a conspiracy theory believer at work last night. He kept talking about something called the Philadelphia Experiment.
I was torn between going on-line to learn more about it or just using it to make a joke here.
Tonight I'll tell him that I thought about it after work.

 

by russman
8-07-17
I admit it I couldn't resist.
I watched a bunch of You Tube movies and videos about the Philadelphia Experiment instead of sleeping like I should have today.
If time travel really does exist I'd go go back and sleep instead of watching that crap.

 

by russman
8-08-17
You've been sneezing and coughing all day are you getting sick.
Already got there. I feel terrible.
Why don't you call off work tonight?
I'm still on my 90 days probation plus we are on overtime. I have to go.
All right then. If you're sure you'll be OK.
You gave up way too easy. Ask me one more time to call off.

 

by russman
8-09-17
Infidel
Mussie
So you wanna play cards or something.
Sure.

 

by russman
8-11-17
I Have the worst job in the world.
Afraid not. That title belongs to me.
Why? What do you do?
You've heard the old joke. I'm the monkey that gets hit in the head with a hammer everytime the bartender wants a blow job.
I was going to ask about the hours too.
So, how hard does he hit you?
Very funny. I knew you would have heard it.

 

by russman
8-12-17
I'm not one of those creeps that's attracted to young Asian girls.
I just asked you if you wanted to buy some girl scout cookies.
I might. And I might have an extra five for you know what.
What? More cookies?
Is your driver going to sit out there the whole hour?
That's my Mom. I've gotta go.

 

by russman
8-12-17
Your Sister wants us to meet them for lunch today.
C'mon I worked all night. This is my only day off. I was going to lay down for awhile then go out later.
I'm sure you have more important things to do then be with the people who supported you when you were in that terrible place.
I'm Sorry. Let me get a couple of hours of sleep then will meet them for lunch.
Oh. Ok, I guess. I thought maybe you would want to mow the yard first.
That's right. I forgot how much I wanted to do that.

 

by russman
8-13-17
Time to get up. You've got to get to work.
I can't do it. I'm going to call off.
That's good. Your step-dad is coming over. You can help him work on the washing machine.
What? Is he spending the night?
Yep. Sleeping in your bed.
You win. I hope he's gone when I get home.

 

by russman
8-15-17
This place don't show us no respect. You feel me?
No. Are you touching me?
I mean do you understand what I'm saying?
Of course. You didn't say anything complicated.
You gonna talk like this all night?
I normally just daydream all night. Just assume I'm feeling you at the appropiate times.

 

by russman
8-16-17
How was work last night?
Same as always.
You never tell me what happens there.
Well tonight, the girl I was working with got shot in the eye with a needle off the machine.
That sounds terrible. Thank God it wasn't you.
Are you kidding. Think of the lawsuit. I should be so lucky.

 

by russman
8-16-17
Welcome to our planet. We are honored to have you here.
Yeah, yeah. Where is the woman who needs my special kind of help.
I am the leader of this planet. And a female. We asked you here to show you some of our advanced sciectific breakthroughs which we want to freely share with your Federation.
So do all the females look like you?
We are all unique in our own way but yes, we all share the same general physical characteristics.
I'll let you know when I'm ready to beam up. I'm finally gonna earn my horse wings.

 

by russman
8-17-17
Fire is pretty.
Captain. You might want to step back and maybe pull your pants up.
No.
Please Sir. We need to start the hose.
Make it rain, Soldier.
I need a new job.

 

by russman
8-19-17
I worked with an older lady at work last night. She kept nodding out all night. So I tried to keep talking to her to keep her awake.
I told her I understood, I am tired all the time too. She said it wasn't just that she was tired. She is on Methodone for her heroin addiction.
Where the Hell do these woman come from and why do I keep running into them?

 

by russman
8-20-17
Went to the amusement park with my niece yesterday.
C'mon Wuss Boy. Let's go on the rollercoaster.
We've been on 5 already. Are you trying to kill me?
You said you'd go on the rides with me.
You didn't tell me there were 17 rollercoasters.
Just two more than we can get some more french fries.
You know I can't resist carnival fries.

 

by russman
8-21-17
Looks like we're working together again tonight.
Yep.
I am having a pool and eclipse viewing party this afternoon. You can come if you want.
I don't know. I usually sleep most of the day.
There might even be some good looking woman there.
Not worried about that. I can just hang out with you.

 

by russman
8-22-17
You missed a good time. We went swimming, had a few drinks and watched the eclipse.
I really wanted to come. I just couldn't get out of bed.
I took a nap before work, you could have crashed at my place.
Do you have an extra bedroom?
You could sleep on the sofa, don't worry I won't force you to sleep with me.
I'm not worried about you forcing me. I just know that I make bad decisions when I'm too tired.

 

by russman
8-23-17
I've got a gift card for a room and restaurant at the casino this weekend.
That sound like fun.
All you need is some gambling money and you can go with me.
What are the sleeping arrangements?
My God. How did I become the man in this relationship?
I don't know. But if a girl would have asked me that, I'd have said drunk and naked.

 

by russman
8-24-17
They called me into HR before I left work this morning. They had me evaluate my trainig and job satisfaction so far.
I decided to suck up and gave them all 4 out of 5 stars. She wasn't satisfied said they strive for fives. Said they had a prize for me if I would change my answers.
So I switched it to all fives and they gave me a stupid work t-shirt. I think I'm gonna break one of the machines tonight.

 

by russman
8-25-17
Dear Sir, would you be by any chance interested in pulling on my finger.
I would indeed. But my hands are currently full of my pipes.
I could help hold you bag with my free hand thus freeing one of your hands to pull my finger.
That would be acceptable to me. Go ahead and grab my bag and then I will pull your finger.
I think I may have unwittingly become the victim of my own intended prank. At least I have verified that underwear is not worn under the kilt.
I'll smell a fart for a handjob anyday.

 

by russman
8-26-17
Rises in the east, sets in the west. Rises in the east sets in the west.
What wrong with you? Are you orgasmic?
Staples don't go there.
What the hell are you talking about?
Buttermilk doesn't taste like butter or milk.
You are orgasmic aren't you?

 

by russman
8-26-17
I went and got groceries while you were asleep.
That's great. What did you get?
You'll be happy. I got you that Lucky Charms cereal you always wanted when you were a kid.
I think I'm a little too old to be eating that kind of junk now.
There's a prize inside the box.
Can we have it for supper?

 

by russman
8-28-17
Good Morning.
Any mail for my Mom.
Just this. You live here, right? I keep wondering why I haven't seen any mail come for you yet.
Hopefully it stays that way.
You did put in a change of address, right?
Yep. Oh you mean to this address, that would be a no.

 

by russman
8-29-17
Glad to have you here for our first comedy night. How would you describe your act.
It's a self defecating style.
I think you mean self deprecating. Can you give me a sample.
Ok. Here it goes.
Jesus. What is that smell.
I just defica..I mean deprecated.

 

by russman
8-30-17
Happy Birthday, Mom. Get ready I'm gonna take you out for breakfast before I go to bed.
That's ok. Your sister called she wants to take me out to lunch.
That's great. You can do both, you know?
What I would really like is for you to go with us for lunch.
C'mon Mom. You know I have to be at work early again tonight.
Don't worry, you get your precious sleep. If I live I'll have another birthday next year.

 

by russman
8-31-17
We are looking for volunteers to work Labor Day. We will pay time and a half if you pick it up.
Let's see I can stay home and make my regular pay or I can come in and get that plus half my hourly rate for working.
So.
So that's less than minimum wage. Who would take that deal.
Enjoy your three days off I would appreciate you not bothering the others with your mathematical theorys.
Don't worry. The world is a safer place with most of these people working all night.

 

by russman
9-01-17
This time I'm Gonna ride that son of a bitch.
Prepare to be ridden, you ugly horse.
Excuse me. You didn't happen to see an ugly horse just go by here, did ya?

 

by russman
9-02-17
There she is. My favorite niece. How would like to go see It with me next weekend.
Sure. How many girls turned you down before you decided to ask me?
I lost count. But we will have fun. The popcorn is on me.
All right but if I get a chance to get laid I'll have to cancel.
Of course. That goes for me too.
Yeah. I don't think we need to worry much about that.

 

by russman
9-02-17
Now that you've caught up with your sleep, what's your plan for the rest of the weekend.
Massive quanities of alcohol and try to make some lucky girl a real woman.
Or you could stay home and will go to Golden Coral for dinner.
My God. That was like totally my first choice but I never thought you would go for it.
Really?
Nope, I'm leaving. Don't wait up.

 

by russman
9-03-17
You have to leave already? It must suck to live with your Mom.
Sometimes it does. You don't know how lucky you are that yours is dead.
That is a terrible thing to say. I would give everything to just have my Mom for one more day.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I know I'm blessed that mine is still around.
Just fucking with you. I was so happy to get to move back upstairs. It beats living in the basement, right?
C'mon it's mostly finished. And Mom as finally agreed to stop running the washer while I'm sleeping.

 

by russman
9-05-17
I made the mistake of sleeping like a normal person during my three nights off.
About half way through the shift last night I was practically asleep standing up.
I was offered coffee, energy drinks and something called Adderall to stay awake. I tried all three, now I'm back home and not even tired.

 

by russman
9-06-17
After living in Florida for so many years I am really paying attention to the hurricane currently heading there.
I have a great deal of concern for friends and family that are still down there.
But a direct hit on my ex's place wouldn't depress me too much.

 

by russman
9-06-17
Once in awhile I hit the random button and when I see my own avatar come up, I try to come up with something.
The easy thing to do would be some kind of gay innuendo.
Yep, that's the route I'll take.
Prepare to be anally assaulted.
Can I leave now?

 

by russman
9-08-17
I decided to give you another chance at sewing tonight.
I see that. I also see that I'm working the same machine that broke and shot a needle into a girls eye last night.
It was determined that it was user error. The machine is working fine. So be careful and make your quota.
You know quotas make you lazy.
I agree, if they are too easy. But since you've never met yours I don't think that is the problem.
I'm pretty sure that proves my point. But you're the boss.

 

by russman
9-09-17
We have a new 3rd in command at work.
You're doing better tonight. Only 2 behind quota. You can do it.
I'm trying. Thanks for keeping track for me.
His job is to motivate us, and keep the line moving.
Look at Rachel there. She's already 6 ahead of quota. You should try to be like her.
A middle aged black lesbian, with years of experience. I'll work on it, Sir.
I love being "motivated" by someone half my age.
No, her work ethic and speed.
OK, and I should because of all that speed, experience and being better than me earns her 50 cents an hour more than I make.

 

by russman
9-10-17
Went an saw Stephen King's It with my two nieces yesterday.
We sat in vibrating seats that came on everytime the clown appeared.
The movie was pretty good. But for me personally I would have liked a lot more screen time for the clown.

 

by russman
9-11-17
Did a little spying on my Ex's Facebook page. Just to makle sure she survived the hurricane.
She was doing her normal poor Me whatever shall I do about the storm.
So a bunch of her Facebook guy friends posted you could stay at my place with smiley faces and winky emojis. Not that I care of course.

 

by russman
9-12-17
Got tickets to go see a rock and roll show Friday night.
Asked the hot slutty girl at work to go. I think she was going to. But then she asked me who we were seeing.
Apparently Stevie Nicks is not a big name to the under 25 crowd.

 

by russman
10-11-17
This has been a great month. I've really enjoyed being with you. There's something I'd like to ask you.
Before you do. There's something I need to tell you.
I think I can guess what you want to say.
I don't want to see you anymore.
Damn, that was my second choice.
Can you drive me home now? I don't want to waste anymore of this day.

 

by russman
12-04-17
I'm a little bit confused about the insurance plan here.
Don't worry, we're here to help. Ask me anything.
The way I read it there are no bebefits at all until I've reached the $5,000 deductible in any calendar year.
Yep. You just pay us the payroll deduction. Pay your own bills. And of course you should put aside some additional money in a health care savings account.
I was hoping that I might be able to afford to eat also.
That's why we provide the mandatory overtime.

 

by russman
3-04-18
Finally got the hot girl at work to go out with me. Spent my whole refund check on a weekend in Cleveland and tickets to see Lebron.
Had great sex Friday night and a good time at the game. Then she called some other guy to pick her up and take her home after the game.
It is not pathetic. Did you not hear about the sex?
Before he came she asked me to not say anything about us and then introduced me as just a friend.

 

by russman
3-05-18
Did you enjoy the weekend with your new girl friend?
I'm pretty sure she's never gonna be a girlfriend.
She's got you tagged in a picture of you and her with bunny ears and noses. She looks happy and pretty.
She put our picture on Facebook?
Yep. So, where did you get the rabbit ears?
There fake, it's just a phone thing... I mean, she brought them. She wanted me to wear them during sex.

 

by russman
3-05-18
Hey Man. Haven't seen you for months. What have you been up too.
Not much. I need your advice about something.
You've come to the right guy. What you got?
There's this girl, I think I might really like her. I'm tempted to text her about what a good time I had this weekend, instead of waiting for her to text me.
Yep. Great idea. That's exactly what I would do.
God, I knew I was screwing up. Thanks for being there, Man.

 

by russman
3-06-18
8 hours before I go back to work.
I had scheduled a day off after the weekend with the hot girl from work.
6 hours before I go back to work.
So I haven't seen her since she abandoned me. She did put our picture up on Facebook.
4 hours before I go back to work.
Oh, you're probably waiting for me to say something funny.

 

by russman
3-07-18
Decided to go all in on being the it really doesn't matter to me, guy.
I ignored the hot girl at work most of the night last night.
Stay cool. This just might work.
She kept texting and apoligizing and asking me not to be mad. I answered with one word text responses.
Round two goes to me. Yeah I know I'll never win just trying to last as many rounds as possible.
Finally invited me over to her place this weekend so she could make it up to me.

 

by russman
3-08-18
I hear you spent the weekend with Dez.
I know. I heard that too.
Me and her had a thing for awhile. So I hit that first.
You know I once slept with a girl who once slept with Rob Thomas.
What the fuck are you talking about.
It's 3 am you must be lonely.

 

by russman
3-11-18
I hope you enjoyed your booby call. I didn't mind spending the whole day by myself without a car.
It's called a booty call. And it's not like that. I might be in love.
Ha ha ha. Good one. You almost had me going there for a minute.
I know. You should have seen the look on you face. Let's go get some breakfast.

Showing page 11.

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