All comics by choadwarrior

Profile

 

by choadwarrior
4-25-04
What kind of people do you find difficult to work with?
I would have to say............... Muslims.
Hmmm....and...um... how would you deal with that?
They're traitors. When I was in the Philipines army, I always put my Muslims up front on patrol so they wouldn't shoot me in the back.
This is a very diverse workplace.
Do you let your Muslims carry guns?

 

by choadwarrior
4-25-04
What responsibilities did you have in your last job?
The difference between a .38 caliber and a .45 caliber round is the stopping power.
What the hell does he think I asked him.
Plus, in a 1911 model, you can get a 10 round clip plus one in the chamber--that's five more rounds than a revolver.
Um...this is an accounting job.
So?

 

by choadwarrior
4-25-04
What qualities do you feel are necessary to be a good supervisor?
I try to be a father figure to my employees.
FATHER FIGURE? Even if he wasn't so zitty and greasy, he'd still look like a teenager.
I like to nurture them and impart my wisdom, so they can benefit from my vast experience.
You seem wise beyond your years.
I also want them to come to me with their personal problems.

 

by choadwarrior
4-25-04
I stopped asking this question after this guy...
What do you do for fun?
Reading is my passion.
I also enjoy other intellectual pursuits. In fact, I NEVER watch TV.
Ooh! Except for Star Trek!

 

by choadwarrior
4-25-04
What sort of work environment are you most comfortable in?
I've been working a long time, and I prefer a professional environment.
.......
Did you just toot?

 

by choadwarrior
4-25-04
This is my sister...
Tell me how you have helped foster diversity in the workplace.
Oh, that's easy.
I can work with anyone.
Even a woman.

 

by choadwarrior
4-25-04
Why do you want this promotion?
I hope some day to buy new trousers.
Actually, he had pants on in the interview...for some reason, he said that in his thank-you letter.

 

by choadwarrior
4-25-04
Grandma, you're bitchin'
What does that mean?
It means "cool."
Oh.
How come you've been telling me to stop being cool all these years?

 

by choadwarrior
4-26-04
I was talking to friends last night about how Sugar Smacks are now called Honey Smacks. Anyway, I went to the store last night and got a box, and now they're just called Smacks!
That's because parents feel guilty if they serve their kids anything with the word "sugar" in the title.
So why did they drop the word "honey?"
It's a hip marketing ploy.
"Smacks" is hip?
Heroin chic.

 

by choadwarrior
4-26-04
My 23 year-old son is going to that same music festival you're going to this weekend.
I'm surprised a good Mormon boy would be interested in going to someplace where drug use is so rampant and overt.
I'm going to call him right now and tell him he can't go.
Good idea--he'll thank you for it.
Is Coachella really like that?
Not at all.

 

by choadwarrior
4-26-04
I saw Billy Crystal this weekend--boy is he funny.
He did this Mohamed Ali impersonation and then he went right into a Howard Cosell impersonation.
On Saturday or 1977?

 

by choadwarrior
4-28-04
I haven't been able to find anyone for your warehouse clerk position.
I'm desperate. I'll take anyone--what about that last lady you interviewed?
Trust me--she wouldn't have worked out...
Flashback to an hour earlier...
What kind of jobs have you had in the past?
Mostly nigger work.

 

by choadwarrior
4-28-04
I'm looking for someone who makes a lot of money.
I'm looking for someone with narrow hips.

 

by choadwarrior
4-28-04
Heroin?
Sure.

 

by choadwarrior
4-28-04
Cocaine?
Sure.

 

by choadwarrior
4-28-04
Have you been tested?
No, but I'm cute.
Okay, I'm ready.

 

by choadwarrior
4-28-04
What's that red spot on your lip?
Herpes.

 

by choadwarrior
4-28-04
I burned my draft card.
I burned my bra.
I also burn when I pee.
Me too.

 

by choadwarrior
4-28-04
I like clam digs.
I like weenie roasts.
If we don't get married soon, I'm going to burst.
Why?

 

by choadwarrior
4-29-04
Howdy, ma'am, I just liberated your town from the Nazis.
Je voudrais chocolat.
Now I know why they call this a foxhole.
Oui! Oui! Oui!

 

by choadwarrior
4-29-04
I call it The New Deal, and it's going to get us out of this Great Depression.
But Franklin, I'm your cousin.
So?
I also fancy women.
Eleanor, it's not your face that stirs these withered loins.

 

by choadwarrior
4-29-04
Sometimes I tire of the speakeasy lifestyle.
I'll never find a proper woman in an establishment serving bathtub gin where harlots dance to negro music.
Good heavens, madam! You're practically naked!

 

by choadwarrior
4-29-04

 

by choadwarrior
5-05-04
I'm planning a luau-themed bridal shower.
Since it's such a special occasion, I'm trying to find tasteful decorations.
Nothing says "elegance" like an inflatable palm tree.
OOOOH! Do you want to go to Party City for lunch?
Whatever--I give up.

 

by choadwarrior
5-05-04
This happened at a gas station...
Excuse me--do you work here?
Do I LOOK like I work here?
I really was dressed like this...
Yes--you DO.
CUNT!
We both got what we deserved...
Hey! My tire is flat!

 

by choadwarrior
5-06-04
Okay, I think we have an agreement. I'll just have my girl type up the contract and mail it to you.
Did you finally get a new assistant?
No, I still have Hilda.
She's hardly a girl--she's been working for your company for forty years.
Yeah, she's so valuable, I really ought to pay her more than 2/3 of what I pay much younger men.

 

by choadwarrior
5-06-04
I don't know how you get any work done around here.
Excuse me?
Aren't you constantly distracted by the women in your office?
I've learned to tune them out.
No! Your secretary is quite a looker! I'd be staring at her all day long.
She's fifty-two.

 

by choadwarrior
5-06-04
Americans, during my administration, I have brought an end to tyrany worldwide.
First, I brought down the opressive Taliban in Afghanistan. Then I toppled the brutal dictator Saddam Hussein in Iraq.
And tonight, I'm proud to say that "Friends" is finally off the air at NBC.

 

by choadwarrior
5-06-04
Ja, give me three reasons why you're like Ikea furniture.
That's easy...
I look nice...
But actually, I'm cheap and I fall apart easily.

 

by choadwarrior
5-06-04
Ja, if you could be any car in the world, would you be a Volvo or a Saab?
I reckon I'd be a Volvo.
Und why is that?
Volvo is just another word for twat, isn't it?

 

by choadwarrior
5-08-04
Check out that hot chick over there.
Yeah, she's at least a 4 1/2.
She's smokin' hot! I'd say she's at least a 9.
Yeah, but I base my ratings of women on how big my dick grows when I see them.
So instead of a 10...
Five and a quarter.

 

by choadwarrior
5-09-04
God, I hate this cold, rainy weather...I wish it would warm up.
You're of English ancestry. You should be genetically immune to this kind of weather.
Trust me, the English hate the rain and cold more than I do.
Then why do they live there?
So they can complain about it.

 

by choadwarrior
5-10-04
Hey--can you come back to my office for a moment?
In a minute...I have to run to the restroom really quick.
Okay, but I have to warn you--John from Purchasing just went in there.
Damn, did he have his newspaper with him?
Yup.
I suppose I can hold it for another hour or so.

 

by choadwarrior
5-10-04
Did you see San Diego State will be playing University of Michigan in football this season?
Poor SDSU.
Even worse--they're playing in Michigan.
Why would a Michigan fan want to see their Wolverines play a such weak team like the Aztecs?
Probably for the same reason the Romans used to go see the Lions play the Christians.

 

by choadwarrior
5-11-04
I don't think it's fair that I got written up for surfing the internet at work.
It's really about all the time you spent using the net for non-work purposes.
I was only occasionally going to E-bay, Amazon, Priceline, CNN, Something Awful, Fatchicksinpartyhats, Tub Girl, Goatse.cx...
Why don't you just stick to Monster.com and it will be our little secret.

 

by choadwarrior
5-11-04
I hope you studied for your final exam...it's 75% of your grade.
Oh No! That's today? I totally forgot! What could be worse?
Nice, but I'm still not passing you.

 

by choadwarrior
5-11-04
I see you have your notes for your oral report...would you like to present it to the class now?
Can't I go last?
If you're nervous, they say the way to relax is to picture your audience in their underwear.
I don't think that will work for me.
Are you ready to get up in front of the class?
Uh...too late.

 

by choadwarrior
5-12-04
Can I get you anything else?
Just double-bag it.
You're like the fourth customer in a row who has asked me to do that.
Then why do you keep taking them off your head?

 

by choadwarrior
5-12-04
My name is Eric, I'll be conducting your interview.
Nice to meet you.
So why did you leave your last job?
That's a funny story, Kevin.
Actually, my name is still Eric.
I really have to get off the liquor.

 

by choadwarrior
5-13-04
Can you deal with one of our vendors? She's refusing to comply with the terms of our contract.
I'll serve her ass like John McEnroe; if the bitch steps up, I'm smacking the ho.
Are you paraphrasing 90's white rap lyrics again?
You'll find out.

 

by choadwarrior
5-15-04
How come you're always wearing sweat clothes?
I find their loose fit more comfortable.
Oh, I thought it was because at your size, everything is a sweat suit.

 

by choadwarrior
5-15-04
The judge in the Michael Jackson trial issued a gag order to ensure an untainted jury.
Where are they going to find 12 people without taints?
I could have served after my episiotomy.

 

by choadwarrior
5-16-04
What's the problem, officer?
We came out here to arrest you for domestic violence, but before we do, you need to talk to Sheila in wardrobe.
Okay, boys, he's changing...get ready to roll cameras.
Better?
ACTION!

 

by choadwarrior
5-16-04
EEEEERRRRAAAAH
I shouldn't have eaten that bean burrito for lunch, but at least nobody was around to hear that...
What was that noise in here?
Um...I was just doing my Howard Dean impersonation.
Oh, can you do it again?
Maybe in a couple minutes.

 

by choadwarrior
5-16-04
I really do love this Taco Bell Gordita.
I really do think you are what you eat.
I'm delicious?
No--a little fatso.

 

by choadwarrior
5-17-04
You know, it really disturbs me when you're having sex in here while I'm trying to sleep.
Hey, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
In that case, I'm going to rub my ass on your carpet.
Just this once... consider it a freebie.
Totally worth it.

 

by choadwarrior
5-17-04
I don't know why you make so much money.
Probably because I save us even more than I earn.
Honestly, I don't even know what you do all day.
Do you know what you do all day?
No.

 

by choadwarrior
5-17-04
Do I really have to waste my time filling out that form?
It's a state requirement.
There's no way around it?
Well, there's one.
http://www.safety.caltech.edu/ forms/medical_eval.pdf
Question One: "Can you read? (Circle) Yes/No"
There you go.

 

by choadwarrior
5-18-04
I tell ya, they should make a movie about me.
They have.
Jesus Christ, I'm an asshole.
Really? Which one?
Super Size Me.

 

by choadwarrior
5-21-04
I want you to take pictures of all the Iraqi prisoners, privates.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Strip.
Yeah, we have to take pictures of your privates.

Showing page 12.

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