All comics by fuzzyman

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by fuzzyman
11-23-02
Do you suffer from chronic pain? Have you gotten no relief from traditional medicine?
Why, yes, now that you mention it! I *do* suffer from chronic pain!
I have the solution. It's a new twist on an ancient Chinese technique.
Accupuncture? Wait... with that hammer and nails?
No, this is an even more ancient technique called "Innacupuncture."
Oh, well in that case...

 

by fuzzyman
11-23-02
So.... If you're ready for your Innacupuncture treatment, just turn around.
Wait.... how do I know this treatment of yours will work?
Trust me. It's an ancient technique.
Will it really cure my chronic pain?
Trust me. After I drive these nails into your back, your chronic pain will be the last thing on your mind.
Ah, let's get on with it, then!

 

by fuzzyman
11-23-02
Hi there, guy! *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke*
Hey! Why are you poking me? Stop it!
It's a new technique for creating joy and happiness called "Accupoketure!" *poke* *poke*
Well it's not working! Ow! I don't feel joyful or happy at all!
Who cares about you? I feel GREAT! *poke* *poke*
Not for long....

 

by fuzzyman
11-27-02
Hello! I would like to offer you membership in my terrorist cell!
Wow! Can I be a ribosome?
A what? I don't understand--
Oh, girls can't be ribosomes? That's okay! How about a chloroplast?
Offer withdrawn.
Oooh, I know! I can be an endoplasmic reticulum!

 

by fuzzyman
12-07-02
What boon shalt I perform for thou, Span King, the great Wizard of Temporal Magicks?
I shalt send thou back to thine future day if thou buildest me a killing machine using thine future Magicks!
Later...
Igor! Fetchest me some hot tongs, a tree trunk, and the brain of a madman!
Yesssss, Master!
Unfortunately, a terrible malfunction destroyed TheBlairZap's only hope for escape from the past...
RAAARRR! TOBOR SHALT GET MEDIEVAL ON THINE HEINIE!
What...?

 

by fuzzyman
12-08-02
Give me your soul, Dave, and I will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams! I will turn you into... Bill Gates!
Sold!
Later...
More sex, Mr. Gates? The other girls are waiting in the Orgy Room.
I'm done for today. There's a pile of money on the table. Take a million dollars and divide it among the ten of you.
Still Later...
AAAAIIIIIEEEE!!! @#$@!! WINDOWS CRASHED AGAIN!!!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

 

by fuzzyman
12-11-02
So, tell me the story of how you came into posession of that ceramic cat.
It belonged to my great, great grandfather, Elijah Honus. It was given to him by General Lee after Lee's victory at Gettysburg.
I see. A very interesting provenance! Except for the little sticker on the bottom that says, "Made in Taiwan."
Yes, I understand General Lee was always importing interesting fine objects d'art from the Orient!
Well, outside of the fact that this ceramic cat is worth $2 at a flea market, you should realize that Lee lost at Gettysburg.
The South shall rise again!

 

by fuzzyman
12-12-02
What's up, Hermione?
Not much, Harry! Ooooh! Oh my God, something happening!
Whaaa----?
Ahhhh!!!!
Welcome to the magic of puberty!

 

by fuzzyman
12-24-02
...so then my partners and I blew up the milking barn! It was udderly destroyed!
I don't understand. What's your beef with the farmer?
He wanted mooove us to a monestary.
Holy cow!
Still, maybe blowing things up is cowardly...
I think you're milking this for all it's worth.

 

by fuzzyman
12-25-02
Hello, little tree! My, you're inadequate compared to me!
I'm very successful with the ladies, actually! Watch this...
My, what a cute little tree! You're the prettiest tree I've seen EVER!
I don't understand.
It's not the size of the ornament, it's how you swing it!

 

by fuzzyman
12-30-02
Somewhere on the surface of the Sun
I'm walkin' on sunshine, Oh-oooh!
I'm walkin' on sunshine, Oh-oooh!
AND IT BURNS!!! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEE!!! MY FEEEEET!!!!!

 

by fuzzyman
12-30-02
Oh Mickey, you´re so fine! You´re so fine you blow my mind!
HEY, MICKEY!!!!! HEY, MICKEY!!!!!
Oh Mickey, you´re so fine! You´re so fine you blow my mind!
HEY, MICKEY!!!!! HEY, MICKEY!!!!!
Oh Mickey, you´re so fine! You´re so fine you blow my mind!
HEY, MICKEY!!!!! OVER HERE!!! ARE YOU FREAKIN' DEAF????

 

by fuzzyman
12-30-02
She's an easy lover... She'll get a hold on you, believe it!
And like no other...
KNEEL, WORM!!!
Before you know it you'll be on your knees!

 

by fuzzyman
1-08-03
So I says, "Them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themseves!"
Ha, ha!
What if we gave them a tax incentive? Would that help?

 

by fuzzyman
1-15-03
MY FELLOW 'MERICANS...
....WHEN A MAN HATES AN IRAKKI HE NALES THE FUCKIN' BITCH!!!
Dick, what kind of fuckhead wrote this speech?
Fucked if I know, Mr. President.

 

by fuzzyman
1-26-03
Hello, my name is Frank.
Hola, mi nombre es Franco.
¡Hola, Franco!
Would you like to come in for a drink?
¿Usted tiene gusto de venir adentro para una bebida?
¡Si, si!
Please stop. My anus is bleeding.
Por favor parada. Mi anus está sangrando!
¡No, no!

 

by fuzzyman
1-26-03
I rented this really cool reality video last night.
Do tell.
These kids put on their color-coorindinated clothes, and the clothes got tighter and tighter and tighter until the kids couldn't breathe!!!!
That sounds kind of lame. What was it called?
"When Garanimals Attack."

 

by fuzzyman
1-28-03
This is you.
This you after too much buttsex.
My anus is bleeding!
Any questions?
STILL BLEEDING!

 

by fuzzyman
2-15-03
An now, a reading from the newly discovered Gospel According to Scyess. *ahem* And lo, the Romans did condemn our Lord to death.
"Let us staple him to a cross!" sayeth Pontias Pilate.
"Alas," answered his servant, "We cannot find our stapler. Let us use this hammer and nails instead..."

 

by fuzzyman
3-03-03
Hey, Roscoe... I heard Granny call the vet. I think there's something you should know.
What's that?
You stand to inherit riches... but I think Granny wants to keep you from having them.
Really? What did she say?
I'm not sure. Something about cutting you off from your family jewels.
I have family jewels? I'l be fixed for life!

 

by fuzzyman
3-03-03
Granny, what's this about taking my family jewels? I'm rich, and you want to take it all away so you can blow it all on denture cream and Engelbert Humperdinck CDs!
Yes... ummm... Well, you see... I just want to keep your jewels... safe you for you. But don't worry... I'll keep them in a place where you can see them any time you like!
Oh? Where's that?
In a jar, on the mantle.
Are you sure that's secure enough?
Unless a Chinese restaurant opens next door, I think we're safe.

 

by fuzzyman
3-09-03
Now, stop delaying, Roscoe! After you were born we took your father's family jewels for safe keeping. If it was good enough for him, it's good enough for you.
If you kept them so safe, then where are they? Show me the jewels, Granny!
You don't have them, do you? You spent it all! I always wondered how you could afford that fancy car!
No, I--
I can never ride in a Plymouth Reliant again.

 

by fuzzyman
3-09-03
...so I think Granny sold my father's family jewels for cash, Weedle.
That's terrible! What are you going to do?
I'm going to search the world until I find them!
But where will you start?
Later...
Welcome to Trans-Glob Airlines. How can I help you?
I'd like a coach-class ticket to Hopelessness, with a connection through Despair. Non-smoking, please.

 

by fuzzyman
3-17-03
Vogue!

 

by fuzzyman
3-19-03
Now that we are far out at sea, I will show you how to catch big fish!
** SPLOOSHHH!! **
Very important to use the right bait, eh, Mengigo?
Mengigo?

 

by fuzzyman
4-02-03
Our "heroes" relax in the Christ Cave
Well, ziss has certainly been zee grand adventure, eh, Super Jesus?
Indeed, Jacques. TIme for us to relax, I think.
Ah, perhaps for you! Me, me, I long for more of zees adventures!
Please. Relax with me for a little while. You work so hard! Here, have a cup of wine...
BLEAH!!! What is ziss? Eet tastes like blood!!!!!
Wait until you taste the bread.

 

by fuzzyman
5-04-03
On November 13th, Jehovah's Witness Felix Unger Jr. was asked to remove himself from his place of residence. That request came from his wife.
With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his childhood friend and Satan-worshiper, Oscar Madison Jr. Sometime earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he never return.
Hello, Oscar. Praise Jesus!
Dude! Hail Satan!
Can two theologically opposed men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?
While I'm here, can I interest you in a subscription to the Watchtower?
Hey, be careful! You're stepping on my pentagram!

 

by fuzzyman
5-11-03
Hello, Professor X!
Hello, Brewmaster, my young X-recruit! Welcome to our X-ceptional X-lair! Before you get started, let me give you an x-tour around the x-premises!
Sounds like a plan.
This, of course, is our X-cellent X-lab, where I perform X-periments to aid my X-men in their X-duties. You're a lucky man! Your time here will be... oh, how do I say it?
X-cruciating.
No, that wasn't it.

 

by fuzzyman
5-11-03
So... this is the graveyard, where we buy the X-men who have fallen in battle. Last week we had to X-hume the Decomposing Man, ha ha!
Riiight.
He was a good fighter. One of the best. Then one day, he just fell apart.
Nervous breakdown?
Organic breakdown. He couldn't walk two feet without an ear or eye or arm falling off.
I thought X-men always stuck together?

 

by fuzzyman
5-11-03
This is our jail, where we keep criminals until we turn them over to the authorities. Only the Human Paperclip has ever escaped. Picked the lock.
Interesting.
He used to be an X-man, but then he went bad on us.
What made Human Paperclip turn to a life of crime?
I'm not sure... Someone must have really bent him out of shape.
Figures.

 

by fuzzyman
5-11-03
...and this is my bedroom. End of the tour!
So, what amazing x-thing happened in here?
*ahem*
What?
Nothing... yet.
PANIC!

 

by fuzzyman
5-11-03
Ooops.
*cough* Oh my God! What is that smell? *cough* That smoke!!! Where is it coming from? *Gaaaaak*
Sorry... I'm a little nervous. My mutant powers activated.
*hkkk* Aren't you the Brewmaster? *GaaaAAAK* Don't you X-pectorate an X-ceptionally strong mutant brew? *COUGH*
No, that's the BrewMEISTER. I'm the BrewMASTER. I'm the one with uncontrollable mutant beer farts.
*THUNK*

 

by fuzzyman
5-23-03
Woodrow, the clown thief, robs the local Burger Shack...
Open the register and give me all your cash!
Hello? Is someone there?
Those lifeless eyes... You're BLIND! How can you work at Burger Shack?
"Would you like your burger slimy or extra slimy?"
Right. Never mind.

 

by fuzzyman
5-23-03
So, what did you want to order?
Order? I was going to... wait a second...
Yes?
You're not repulsed an frightend by my clownish appearance?
Hello! Blind as a bat, remember?
I think I love you.

 

by fuzzyman
5-23-03
You love me?
Over here.
Sorry.
You're the first woman I've met who doesn't find me utterly repulsive. We're meant to be together!
Your standards are low, but so are mine. Your place or mine, stinky?
YES!

 

by fuzzyman
5-23-03
Fast forward a few hours...
Wow... that was incredible.
Once you go clown, you'll never feel let down.
Hee. And I thought those big feet of yours were just funny shoes, but...
Everything's proportional, baby.
And the friction! Are you sure you're not Kryptonian or something?
Hah. The smoke will clear in a little while, babe.

 

by fuzzyman
5-23-03
Woodrow, I'm leaving you.
What... WHY?
You're too good for me. You deserve better than a blind woman who works at Burger Shack.
You're right. I should have higher standards. You're lucky to have experienced my tender loving.
And, God help me, but you do smell like elephant dung.
What, no farewell blow job?

 

by fuzzyman
5-26-03
Hello, stranger! What brings a man in a suit out to farm country?
Mr. McDonald? I'm Brent Smith from the Executive Institute for Environmental Initiatives Organization.
E.I.E.I.O?
Ah, you've heard of us! Excellent!

 

by fuzzyman
5-26-03
I'm very pleased to have found you, Mr. MacDonald!
So, what did you want to see me about, Brent?
Well, we understand that you're an expert in animal husbandry.
I've got 18 years of experience under my belt. Speaking of which, here's my wife. Betsy! Make our visitor some tea, will you?
I'm too busy! The chickens escaped from the coop again! Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a chick-chick!
I shouldn't turn around, should I?

 

by fuzzyman
5-26-03
Hello, son!
Dad, can I borrow the truck to go into town tonight?
I'm afraid not. I need it to show our visitor, Mr. Smith, around the farm.
But me and my date want to catch the 7:00 show, and it takes hours to get into town by foot! Please?
Well then, I guess you're just going to have to hoof it!
Darn!

 

by fuzzyman
5-26-03
Wait a second! Before you go, who is this girl you're taking to the movies?
It's Amy. Now I know what you're going to--
Son, you know how I feel about this! I absolutely forbid you to see her!
Dad, please! You're so old fashioned!
Son, I don't know what they teach you in school, but a cow/human hybrid dating a goat... it just ain't natural!
But I love her!

 

by fuzzyman
5-26-03
Sorry about that. Kids these days!
Ha, you really had me going there for a minute, Mr. MacDonald! So what's your trick?
No trick, Mr. Smith... just a lot of love and patience.
Wait... you're not kidding. That was really your son?
No bull.
I think we've beaten this to death sufficiently, don't you?

 

by fuzzyman
5-26-03
I can't believe that my father is so unfair!
Dude, what's the problem?
He won't let me date Amy the goat!
Hmmm. Listen, if he won't let you date her, is it okay if I take her out?
What? Are you kidding?
Chill out, man. I'm just trying to get your goat.

 

by fuzzyman
5-26-03
What's the matter, son? Depressed?
Dad is so unfair! After all, he dated outside of his species! How did you two meet?
*sigh* Another Friday night, drunk and lonely... *hic* Hey, what's this?
MOOOOoooo!
Never mind about that. Tell me more about how this "dating" thing works.

 

by fuzzyman
5-26-03
Jacob, I'm going to give you a piece of my mind!
Whoah there, Betsy! Don't get your udders all in a knot. What's the problem, dear?
You never take me anywhere! Have we ever gone out for a romantic dinner? No! Well, why? Are you embarassed by me? Is that it?
Of course not! Look, if it's that important to you...
Later...
This is just wonderful... and such an extensive menu! What's the name of this restaurant again?
Ummmm.. *cough* Chez Agway.

 

by fuzzyman
5-26-03
Amy, this is our chance! While my parents are out at dinner, you can I can slip on over to the bus station!
Bruce...
No time to talk now! Let's go! We'll be in Vegas by daybreak and we can get married in the first walk-up chapel we find!
Bruce, there's something I have to tell you.
Tell me on the way, we have to-- WHY DO YOU HAVE HORNS???
I had the operation.

 

by fuzzyman
5-26-03
Operation? What operation?
Bruce, I may have been a nanny goat on the outside, but I've always been a billy goat on the inside. The operation has changed all that! Now I'm complete!
I don't understand. Were you lying to me all the time you said you were attracted to me?
Of course not, silly! I'm gay!
So you had a goat sex-change operation so you could be gay with your heterosexual cow/human hybrid boyfriend.
Pretty much! Want to take the new parts for a test drive?

 

by fuzzyman
5-26-03
Hey, Ted.
Hiya, Bruce!
Remember earlier today when you asked if you could date my girlfriend, the goat?
Yeah.
He's all yours.
Say what?

 

by fuzzyman
5-29-03
The headquarters of the E.I.E.I.O...
So, I met Jacob MacDonald and his wife... and you know what? His wife is a cow!
Ha! She's a real heifer, huh?
You said it. And she complained that he never takes her anywhere, so he took her to dinner at the local Agway.
Why are you looking at me like that?

 

by fuzzyman
5-29-03
So Brent claims that the MacDonald farm is populated with talking animals. I'll prove that he's crazy!
Quack!
*ahem* Excuse me. Mr. Duck! How are you today?
Quack!
Seems normal enough.
Here a quack, there a quack, everywhere a quack quack!

Showing page 12.

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