All comics by lukket

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by lukket
12-18-06
Ladies and gentlemen. Here's our next contestant in the joke telling contest. His name is Butch.
Got to get it right. Remember it now, Butch. It's "glasses".
Get on with it!
You won't believe this. My 80 year old grandmother doesn't need spectacles - she just drinks straight from the bottle!
Uh....
Did I win?

 

by lukket
1-06-07
One day at the ranch...
So I says, "Well them rotor turbans ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha! You said "rotor turbans"!
I guess I was thinking of a propeller hat
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by lukket
1-06-07
One day at the ranch...
So I says, "Well them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
What the fuck are you talking about?
Cut!
What?

 

by lukket
1-06-07
One day at the ranch...
So I says, "Well them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
Aren't you gonna say something.
Not yet!
cut!
I thought that was long enough to be pregnant.
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by lukket
1-06-07
One day at the ranch...
So I says, "Well them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
Line?
Um. BigFrank105 already did that.
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by lukket
1-06-07
OK, let's see if you're better than those cowboys
Those rotor turbines aren't going to generate gravitons by themselves!
Ha, ha!
what the fuck are you talking about
Keep your dirty hands off my rotor turbines!

 

by lukket
1-08-07
This is your captain speaking.
As you may remember from checking in, you have to put all liquids in small bags.
Due to heightened security measures, this seems to have happened with our fuel as well.

 

I think Britney Spears has so much in common with rock'n'roll greats like Elvis Presley
You mean, she's going fastly downhill, getting fat and disgusting and has a firstborn that appeals sexually to Michael Jackson?
by lukket, 1-10-07

 

by lukket
1-10-07
Debbie--your blind date is here.
Oh, boy! Yay!
Very funny granny! You got me there.

 

by lukket
1-11-07
Hello, is this Bell South's hotline? I want to report that my phone line is out of order.
OK. Please give me your landline phone number so I can call you.
My phone line does not work. You can't call me. You will have to do with this.
Sorry ma'm, but you call from a cell phone number not registered with us. We need you to give us your landline number so we can call you to verify that you're you.
YOU CAN'T CALL THE GOD DAMN LANDLINE - IT DOESN'T WORK. THAT'S WHAT I WANT YOU TO FIX!
Please calm down ma'm. This is for your own protection.

 

by lukket
1-14-07
Quick, get the fire brigade, there's a fire!
It's smoking! Get the police!
What's the matter, sergeant?
I understand you're the proprietor, and you should be aware that by the new Danish regulations I have to fine you for allowing smoking.

 

by lukket
1-15-07
Still an eBay addict?
No, I've found another site.
Craig's List, perhaps?
No, that's for wussies. Ah. That's the door bell. Must be the latest shipment.
I need your signature for this package from Pirate Bay!

 

by lukket
1-17-07
Sorry Dad. I didn't mean to blow up the neighbourhood.
It's alright Betsy.
What do you do now, daddy?
I'm going to get a time machine.
Somewhat later.... or earlier
Sorry kid. You'll thank me later.

 

by lukket
1-20-07
After receiving harsh reactions for his frequent flying and its impact on environment, Prince Charles of England just cancelled a skiing vacation.
In related news, it has been reported that Greenpeace supporters exhale 294,537,600 cubic meters of carbon dioxide yearly.
Wow, that's a lot Alice.
Yeah. It corresponds to 556,676,064 kilogrammes of carbon dioxide.
Has Greenpeace issued any official comments yet?
No, they're still holding their breath.

 

by lukket
1-20-07
Democratic presidential candidate, Barrack Obama, is facing more and more problems.
As you may recall we revealed his middle name, Hussein, which has given him a great deal of explanatory problems.
That's right Alice, but the new problems are even worse.
You think of Hillary Clinton's entry into the race?
No, this is worse, there's evidence that Barrack Obama is an enemy of Batman as revealed by Steve Miller Band.
Ah. "I'm a Joker, I'm a Smoker"

 

by lukket
1-20-07
I know that we both lust for each other. But this has to end.
Yeah. Our love is dirty and should be outlawed.
Yeah. I have to take my responsibilities as a father anyway.
I hear you kissed Marie?
Yeah. And now she's pregnant, and I'd rather die than to marry you and let her have an abortion.
You're so great Brownback. Now I'll try not to have a cigarette.

 

by lukket
1-20-07
Hey. You must be the new guy. I'm Phil Larson.
I know you, Phil.
Oh. Well, it was a high profiled case in the media, and now I come to think of it, I did rape and kill 10 children.
Yes you did, Phil, and you got a hefty beating back there in the prison work shop an hour ago.
Yeah. I feel like I have inner bleedings, but I won't be a wuss and see the docor. So, what are you in for?
That should be pretty obvious by now.

 

by lukket
1-20-07
After Hillary Clinton has joined the presidential race, Republicans have searched their ranks for a suitable opponent.
After dismissing Laura Bush for smoking and Barbara Bush for the Katrina Fund controversy, Ronald Reagan's widow Nancy has been chosen as a new candidate.
Nancy Reagan, Hillary Clinton has launced a "conversation" with the American people. What is your response?
Just say no.

 

by lukket
1-21-07
Um... what is this line for?
We're running a creampie train. You're welcome to participate.

 

by lukket
1-21-07
So, how can I help you?
Um.... I... you know, I'm in the creampie train.
OK. Here you are.
What's that.
It's a creampie with custard just like you ordered sir.
Damn you, Urban Dictionary!

 

by lukket
1-21-07
Hi, my date with Susie went totally bad. We both fell asleep during the movie.
What did you go and watch "Paint your Wagon" for anyway?
And now everbody assumes that stuff happened.
That's not the worst that can happen. Now you can go to the next level on the second date without anyone giving it a thought.
But what about her reputation?
You should have thought about that before sleeping with her at the movies!

 

by lukket
1-21-07
After Richardson's intention to run for president, it now is clear that whoever Democrat may win, it will be a first.
First Hispanic, first black, first woman.
Now, some Republicans want to be in on it too.
With us we should have Steve with the latest Republican candidate.
I'm here in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and it turns out that the would-be first non-living president, Gerald Ford, has declined to comment.

 

by lukket
1-28-07
Marty?
It doesn't look like he's around.
Hi Mark, I just went to Marty's, but he didn't answer. What's up with him?
He's probably just high on tumbleweed again.

 

by lukket
1-29-07
How went the vasectomy?
Good and bad. The best part is no more condoms
What's the worst part?
Um.... I kinda exploited the situation to mess around with Alice from accounting.
good for you. She's a great lay
Yeah, but I could do without the gonorrhoea she gave me.

 

by lukket
2-03-07
Who're you. What happened?
I'm George I just saved you from being crushed by a eightwheeler.
Why!?
Well, I wanted to save your life.
But I wanted to kill myself!
Sorry, but I hadn't got time to ask you first.

 

by lukket
2-03-07
Why did you want to kill yourself, anyway?
I've lost in the game of love - the one I want don't want me, and the one that want me I don't want.
I felt the same way once, but that didn't make me jump out in front of a truck.
And your legs?
That's from throwing myself at the 7:00 express train.

 

by lukket
2-03-07
So you saved me to prevent me from ending up like you?
In a way yes.
So, everything will go fine, and I will have my love by my side.
Um....
Isn't that the way it's supposed to go?
In the Hollywood movies maybe....

 

by lukket
2-03-07
Ah well. Everything's going to be alright. Thanks for saving me!
Uh... you're welcome.
Oh. There's the phone. Hi boss.
I've heard that a handicapped man saved a young suicide candidate today in your neighborhood. Can you interview him for me.
Um. Kinda did that already.
Cool. Pick up Brunette and get to work immediately.

 

by lukket
2-03-07
That was the editor of the local news paper. He's my boss, and I'm going to work on this story with Brunette.
Just let me be handled by her. I can see that there's a worried blonde on her way.
Will you do that for me?
No problem. I kinda owe you for saving your live, don't I?
Um. Thanks for letting me sound very selfish!
My pleasure.

 

Remember, when the board of Hanna-Barbera comes in, please don't mention your crazy idea of a white supremacy version of the Flintstones.
Aw man. What's not to love about Hal Turner in a fur custome shouting "Faggery Daggery Doo"
by lukket, 2-03-07

 

by lukket
2-04-07
Hello?
Anybody?
I had to kick down the door to get in, and there's no service. Might as well have a big sign saying "We don't want customers!"

 

by lukket
2-04-07
Hi Jon, how can I help you.
I'd like a packet of chewing gum. Say, what's all that police outside?
A burglar broke in yesterday, but nothing appears to have been stolen.
What time was it?
Around 7 PM, I guess
Strange. I was here at that time too, but I didn't see any burglar.

 

by lukket
2-04-07
You were here around the time of the burglary?
Yeah. Maybe the burglar just went in through the door. It was a bit broken.
Broken?
Yeah. The door wouldn't open when I came, so I kinda bashed it in only to discover that nobody was there to serve me.
Wait here. I'll tell the police that we know who did it.
Whoa. You're the master of deduction. I can't wait to hear who it is!

 

by lukket
2-04-07
So. You came to the shop, found the door locked, so you bashed down the door and went in?
Yeah. That's pretty much it.
And you didn't see the burglar?
I didn't notice anyone else.
OK. I'll note it down as unsolved.

 

by lukket
2-04-07
How's things with Martia?
The other day she says that she loves me like a brother.
Yesterday she wants to go to bed with me.
Now it pains me that I don't know if she has changed her mind or if it's just her way of loving her brother.

 

by lukket
2-07-07
I'm not so keen on your menu. Can you serve me some fish fingers, please.
I am appalled by your request, but here at Chez Leon we will go great lengths to serve our customers. I'll send in the chef, so you can direct him.
I just want fried fish fingers. Plain and simple.
That is most barbaric, monsieur, but I will prepare fish fingers for you anyway.
Some fish fingers later...
I despise you for ruining my life!

 

by lukket
2-07-07
They say that if you put a large number of monkeys in front of typewriters chances are that they will eventually produce the written works of Shakespeare.
All I used was eight hours in front of a large number of photo copiers.

 

by lukket
2-08-07
Hi boss. How did the meeting with HR go?
Um. I can't tell just yet. It's not official yet.
Let me guess: You're downsizing.
Um....
Come on, I can see you're about to cut some staff.
What gave me away?

 

by lukket
2-10-07
Uh.... I'd like some condoms.
What size?
Well... I forgot to ask my boyfriend. Do you have some sort of reference?
Well.... here's something to compare with.
Oohh.... I'm not sure. I need to ... um.... feel it.
Sure. But if you touch that banana, you will need to buy it.

 

by lukket
2-10-07
"Congratulations! You have won the Reader's Digest sweepstakes and an evening with Judas Priest". Groovy!
That very same evening
Hello, I'm Judas Priest.
Hey! I expected the English heavy rock band!?
Think of me as the Reader's Digest version of an English heavy rock band.
Now, that does make sense.

 

by lukket
2-10-07
Are you ready, son?
No! Must we do this?
We're Jewish and tradition states that you must have a circumsition done by a rabbit. Now stand still.
Daddy!
I told you to stand still. Now we have to depend on your sister to give us grandchildren.

 

by lukket
2-10-07
What's your impression of the National Gallery of Art, so far?
It's far too commercial!
What do you mean?
I just went to the Italian Renaissance section.
And they had named several artists after the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!?

 

by lukket
2-11-07
There's the planet.
Let's land and explore it.
You keep an eye on our lander module while I explore this building.
Why is it always you who gets to do the fun stuff.
Oh. I remember now.

 

by lukket
2-11-07
Can I see a form of ID?
You don't need to see my ID.
Excuse me sir, but this company has hired Buddhist monks as security personnel exactly to counter your attempts of using jedi mind tricks.
As I said. You don't need to see my ID.
You're right. Have a nice day, sir. Please enter that door to go to the reception.

 

by lukket
2-11-07
Hello, how may I help you?
I need to speak to your leader.
Do you have an appointment?
I don't think I need one.
Oh yes you do.
Oh no I don't ... look, I got a gun!

 

by lukket
2-11-07
Well. Gun or no gun. You can't see my supervisor. He's out golfing.
I don't want to see your supervisor. I want to see the supreme leader of this place.
Um. Try the upper floors. That's where the management is supposed to be.
Thanks.
Who was that icky little green man?
Dunno. He must be important since security let him through with that gun.

 

by lukket
2-11-07
I don't trust the new guy.
What's up with him.
He's green.
Yeah. Most new guys are.
No I mean. His skin is green!
Lenny, spare me for that racist tone.

 

by lukket
2-11-07
Hey Mark! Like your outfit. Have you got the figures ready for my presentation?
Um. I'm not Mark.
That's the worst excuse I heard ever. The boss is going to kill me now.
I'll handle him, if you lead me to his office.
Sure. Why not.
Foolish humans.

 

by lukket
2-11-07
I'm glad you're saving my ass.
But take care. I don't think the boss will like your outfit.
Here we are. Good luck!

 

by lukket
2-11-07
Hi Barg!
Zarg!? What are you doing in the boss' office?
Well. I got bored so I went inside and took over the company.
But, you've got no gun?
Well. It turn out that gold is quite valuable here, so I traded all our fuel-gold for shares, and now I'm the CEO.
You gave away our fuel?

Showing page 12.

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