All comics by ragu4u

 

by ragu4u
12-19-08
So you're sticking with the story that you were helping this man whose penis was bitten by a rattle snake?
Sho nuff.
No time to call for an ambulance, huh?
Nope. I just had to suck out the poison. I done saved his life.
Well I guess you'll need an ambulance now because he told me you swallowed it for an extra five dollars.
You no good cracker mutha fucker!

 

by ragu4u
12-20-08
Early Christmas Day
What a night. Santa can't wait to kick back and relax. But I have one last gift to give.
To the little guy who saw to it I never missed a house.
Why gee thanks, Santa. You shouldn't......
But I did, you sorry assed little slave driver!

 

by ragu4u
12-21-08
OH, sing me a song. A good song of the sea. Weigh hey ......
...blow the man down! Blow, blow, blow the man down.
Argh. Ya best be stowin that kinda talk, girlie boy!
Oh, I've wanted, so, to be his "matey"!

 

by ragu4u
12-21-08
Why do you do stupid things like this....things that might get ya runned over?
It's "Because yer mine, I walk the line."
What a dumbass!
(sigh)

 

by ragu4u
12-21-08
Man, I never thought I'd make it here to heaven.
Who said this was heaven?
Whoa dude, my bad!

 

by ragu4u
12-22-08
Mommy says we get to share one glass of eggnog.
That's OK with me you little dorkus. I'll pour us a glassful.
Later
What was all that yelling about in the kitchen.
Robby poured our glass of eggnog and then drank it ALL himself.
Robby is called on the carpet.
Robby, why did you drink ALL the eggnog when I told you that both you and your sister should get half?
Since I poured it I figured I should get "first drink". Well, my half was on the BOTTOM.

 

by ragu4u
12-22-08
The 1st day driving alone.
Now Dana, be sure to follow every rule of the road. Drive defensivly and watch out for the other guy.
C'mon dad. I'm 16...stop treating me like a kid.
Later
Daddy, it's me Dana. I've been in a terrible car accident.
Psych!.......You believed me, didn't you? Pretty funny, huh daddy? Daddy? Hello? Hello? Say, can I use the car tomorrow night too? Hello?

 

by ragu4u
12-23-08
Creation is mine and all that is in it. Bwhahahah!
Oh yeah, mutha fucka?

 

by ragu4u
12-23-08
Well young lady, you are very close to owning your own home. Just step into the next room and you can sign the last few documents.
..uh...
I hope you brought a change of clothes.

 

by ragu4u
12-23-08
............ "Too Cool" ...............
.............. "To Cool"...............

 

by ragu4u
12-23-08
Hey you back there. Can I get a fresh brain sandwich?
You're twenty minutes too late.
I see.

 

by ragu4u
12-24-08
Hey, nice I-Phone ya got there.
Think so? This is what Google gave me instead of my $10,000.00 Christmas bonus.
How does THAT make you feel?
Well, for starters, I don't normally carry a gun to work!

 

by ragu4u
12-25-08
They've gone and done it again, son.
What's thats Pops?
They've forgotton the true meaning of Christmas. You know, all the sacrifice and saving the world and all that stuff?
You mean this business?
Not exactly son.
Oh now I know. You must mean like THIS....only with hay & farm animals, right?

 

by ragu4u
12-26-08
It just ain't fair, I tell ya.
What ain't fair Ben?
Eartha Kitt is dead and Amy Whinehouse isn't!
That's a big 10/4, good buddy!

 

by ragu4u
12-27-08
May I help you, madame?
Yeah, buddy boy. You got anything here that'll make my hubby drool and stay hot & hard when he sees it draped across me on New Years Eve?
Why yes. I believe I have just what you're looking for.
Well, bring it on, fuzzy face.....I ain't got all day.
My manager said you wanted to see me.
Well, ain't HE the kinky old son of a bitch? Come to think of it though..."Me Likey".

 

by ragu4u
12-27-08
Hey Abe, what did ya think of the New Year fireworks preview we gave ya?
We'll Yassar, as the great peacemaker, W.C. Fields, once said......"YOU ain't seen nuthin, yet!"
Oh c'mon. What's a few little rockets between friends? We just lob them over now & then for show. Nothing to go all "Nuclear" over.
Nothing? Nothing you say? Your ass is ours.
Well then, prepare my "POD"!
Too late....the F-18's are in the air and the strike sequence has begun.

 

by ragu4u
12-27-08
For those of you who have not seen the TMZ video of Sarah Palin pardoning my friend the turkey, let me say this.
Her pardons must not mean jack shit. R.I.P friend turkey.

 

Lil Butch, I've never seen a report card this bad before.
Wait till next semester...you will.
by ragu4u, 12-27-08

 

You wanna spend New Years with me? It's RIGHT around the corner.
That's why I'm making a LEFT, loser.
by ragu4u, 12-28-08

 

by ragu4u
12-28-08
"The Cooler"
"The Cooler"

 

by ragu4u
12-28-08
Why is it that you "black folk" always seem to pack em in at your Sunday services?
It's because our services are lively. People are always jumping and yelling and running through the aisles.
I see. Just praising God through the rejuvination of the Holy Spirit. That's wonderful.
Not really. Mainly it's because somebody done got a dime dropped on em and S.W.A.T. is storming the building.
Amen, to that!
Hallelujah!

 

Why does THAT headstone have only R.I.P. on it?
Because the entire roster of the Detroit Lions was too costly to engrave.
by ragu4u, 12-29-08

 

by ragu4u
12-29-08
12/29/2008
Hey man, like all we're saying is....
...give peace a chance.

 

Mother, I refuse to wear a Prom dress made out of that horrible material you bought.
Don't be silly. A "drop-cloth" is perfect for your figure, sweetie.
by ragu4u, 12-29-08

 

by ragu4u
12-30-08
I'm speaking, now, with Caroline Kennedy. Caroline, please explain, in a nutshell, why you should be a Senator.
It's, like, ya know, my family has been in politics, ya know, for a long time.
Go on.
And ya know, it's like, in my blood. I'm a great lawyer, ya know, and like wrote 5 best sellers. The public are , like, ya know, in love with my mysterious persona, ya know.
As far as, ya know, answering any meaningful questions, I can't, like, take time right now, ya know, because I'm like too busy campaigning, ya know.
Well...there you have it folks. The more "ya know" about Caroline Kennedy the more you have to, like, like her, ya know.

 

by ragu4u
12-30-08
That's a pretty fucking valuable seat you're sitting on there, Mr. Squirrel.
I'll give you several nuts if you'll let me purchase it.
Man, I bet I can get a fortune for that seat and I have just the guy in mind.
Please sell it to me. I'll give you all my nuts.
Sorry. I promised it to Tyrone for a bag o crack rock and some bitches from Cicero. You can't beat that, can you?
Well, that does it Blago. I may be a squirrel but I'm not going out on a limb for YOU.

 

by ragu4u
12-30-08
Jesus...I will spare Illinois from total devastation if you can find me just one honest person there.
So be it.
No fair dad....I've only been here a week.

 

by ragu4u
12-31-08
Christ, man......hows about a courtesy flush in there? It smells like death warmed over.
I do have a slight fever. How prophetic!

 

by ragu4u
12-31-08
Ha
Pee
New
Year!

 

by ragu4u
1-01-09
That's Air Force One, little girl. Our President is in that plane.
Really?
Just seeing it makes me think...U.S.A
So why does"Al quaeda" think RPG?
Different alphabet.
Oh.

 

So, how much do I owe you?
by ragu4u, 1-01-09

 

by ragu4u
1-02-09
Hip-Hop originated in Scotland in the 1500's and was know as "fryting".
No way, nigga!
WAY! Actually reciting rhymes to a beat was used between rivals as a way to compete without resorting to warfare.
"Fryting", huh?
Hoot-mon. Ya got that right.
So they was a "hootin" fo they was "shootin"?

 

by ragu4u
1-02-09
Did you hear about these new "In-Car" breath-a-lizers?
I don't thinks so.
I f you have a record as a drunk driver, you have to blow this thing and get a good rating before it will let you start the car.
That's not new.
Oh yes it is. It just came out.
Sorry, but my uncle did the same thing when he taught me to drive and drinking had nothing to do with it. Swallowing, on the other hand, did.

 

by ragu4u
1-03-09
Did ya ever notice how "The History, Discovery and Nat. Geo. Channels" are always trying to discredit us, son?
You bet, pops. The Bible and everything we've said and done get spun to meet THEIR agenda.
So....what do you think we ought to do about it?
We can't do much, what with that "free will" business you instituted but we'll think of something.
Starting 1/01/2009, The History, Discovery & Nat Geo Channels will cost subscribers $100 per show extra each month.
That's too bad, but at least I have the ability to choose whether to keep them or not.

 

Had I know they wanted to elect a clown to the Minnesota Senate I would have run myself.
by ragu4u, 1-05-09

 

by ragu4u
1-06-09
2009 can't possibly be any worse than 2008.
I guess it can.

 

by ragu4u
1-06-09
I say, might you have the time?
Why yes....but not the inclination.

 

by ragu4u
1-07-09
Ok Levi...I didn't bitch when you knocked up Governor Palin's daughter but this is different.
How so, mom?
Well, I figured it would put us on the gravy train, ya know?
That's pretty sad, you drugged up HAG!
All ain't lost, though. I still got a shot at "Celebrity Re-hab" with Dr. Drew.
What, and give up your title as "Queen of the Lot Lizards" at the T/A Truck Stop?

 

by ragu4u
1-07-09
Isn't it wonderful? The Obama adminstration will end the era of "Don't Ask/Don't Tell" in the military.
Wonderful ain't the word I'd use.
Well, what words would you use?
Practical & economical, I reckon.
Explain, gorgeous!
We won't have to waste money driving to town to buy whores, in order to get blow-jobs. Now each barracks will be assigned their own resident queer.

 

by ragu4u
1-08-09
Hey Harry, stop doing laundry a minute and come up here and see president elect Obama give a speech on TV about the economy.
I'll be up in a sec, Madge. I'm pressing my uniform for the "Obama" parade today.
Well ya better hurry if you want to hear his talking points.
The hell with his talking points, Madge. I want his motorcade route.

 

by ragu4u
1-08-09
Did you feel me poke ya, young fella?
Hey Bill, that didn't feel like your finger.
I never said it was my finger.
Well, in that case Bill, please do it again....only harder this time.

 

by ragu4u
1-08-09
In The Pet Shop
You be able to talk?
Polly want a cracker.
Wonder if they gots one that says..."Polly wanna nigga"?
?

 

by ragu4u
1-09-09
...then he takes ALL MY cash from the divorce settlement and throws it into the fireplace. That's when you guys broke in and shot him before he could shoot me.
Well, that does it lady. You can go for now, but I just never can figure out what makes a guy do this.
Here comes his doctor. Ask him.
Wait...it's called "Schadenfreude".
Say wah?

 

by ragu4u
1-09-09
Why are so many Illinois politicians fruits?
Beats me.
Because they're, most of the time, either impeached or impaired.
Hey...don't be putting all your fruits in one basket, buddy.

 

by ragu4u
1-09-09
You're a great dancer.
Why thanks. Let's dance again, only this time let's have raunchy sex first.
Should I cut in now, Ma?
Wait till they're naked, son, then begin by making a "Y" incision in the chest. Then you crack the sternum...

 

by ragu4u
1-10-09
You're my babysitter. Why did you try and sneak way out here?
To get away from your sorry little sniveling ass, that's why.
Seymour, all my other baby sitters gave me a cookie before my nap. I want my cookie.
So I guess I can't lose ya, huh? Well OK, but out here when you think of snacks you think "plants". There's one just over there.
"FEED ME, SEYMOUR!"
Oh you bet I will.

 

Have you heard that the obese now out-number the, merely overweight?
Yeah right...fat chance!
by ragu4u, 1-10-09

 

by ragu4u
1-11-09
Well, if your attendance doesn't start picking up, I'm gonna have to pop a cap in yo ass sucka.
Oh, I see. Play to the masses. "Get down wit the peeps", so to speak.
Nah...that's just for the Baptists. You gotta pick up your game some other way.
How about I move "Casino Night" to Sunday morning during Service?
I knew I could count on you Catholics to increase the take.
And I promise you'll get every penny. Father Murphey's knees are still in a cast from shorting you over at St. Patricks.

 

by ragu4u
1-11-09
Did you watch the two hour opening episode of "24" tonight?
Yeah and did it suck or what?
I know what ya mean, man. No torture, no sexy women, no gratuitous violence and perversion.
And they brought back Tony Almeida. What's up with that? This season is doomed if they can't jump start it quick.
Any suggestions?
One word dude......Chloe! There's just something about that little, lip biting, nerd-ett that makes Mr. Stiffy stand up and spit.

 

by ragu4u
1-12-09
That's right...the "Chop-o-matic" can be yours for just 3 easy payments of $14.95....but WAIT...
...if you order in the next 5 minutes we'll double your order at no extra cost. (just pay shipping & handling)
I order weeks ago. No get yet. Where me "Chop-omatic"?

Showing page 12.

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