All comics by christopher7murphy

Profile

 

Now, now! You know the rule about you and sharp objects.
But there's someone coming to the door.
Well...it's sweet of you to want to protect me, but I'm in charge of the door AND sharp objects.
What if it's some dangerous lunitic, or someone who wants to upset our lives?
But this time, I called and made SURE they remembered to send chicken wings with the pizza.

 

You... It's.... What?... um...did you cut your hair?
Why, yes I did. I needed a little trim.
But...gasp...you DIDN'T warn me? You know I can't emotionally deal with any changes.
I'm sorry. Next time I'll know.
By the way, in about fifteen minutes, you might notice I look a little thinner. I need to take a dump.

 

Excuse me? I am a minor diety, one who specializes in creating sea life.
Would you be looking for any part time help?
Well...my Father is in charge of hiring. I could have Him call you.
Great! Here's my COD.

 

Do you have a book called "The Period Dress-Pantsa?"
No, I'm sorry. I don't even have a listing for anything by that title.
Period ....Comma? ...Dress-Pants ...Suit? ...ummm???
WAIT!!!!!
Could you mean "The Kama Sutra?"
THAT'S WHAT I SAID!!!

 

Do you have any copies of Oprah's latest book pick?
Do I? I have enough copies to stretch from here to Iowa!
We're in Des Moines.
Oh...then we're sold out.

 

I say Ol' Chap, I've always meant to ask you what the "7" stands for?
-herumph- Actually the "seven" is not a seven. Its my middle initial.
The "7" is just a mutated "T."
Earl Grey?
...with lemon!

 

Could you get me a copy of "The Big Stink?"
Sure. Which version did you want?
Wuh? How many are there?
There are twenty four different listings for books titled, "The Big Stink."
Why did you do that?
Saw ya coming.

 

So you won't order a copy of "The Big Stink" for me?
Sure I will. I just need to know which one you want. Do you know the author?
um...no.
Well..what's the book about? Maybe I can narrow it down.
Well...it's either fiction or non-fiction. I know that much.
-sigh-

 

I think the book, "The Big Stink" is about a man who makes a million dollars....
So it's a business book?
And decides to quit his job and buys a tent to live in the wilderness...
So it's a book on survival? A Biography?
And then he finds a magic crayon...
Ohhh! It's a Kid's Book!

 

I can't find your Auto-Biography section.
They are part of the Biography section.
Ya see, AUTObiographies are just biographies written by the subject of the book.
What I tell ya?
You're right! They don't know anything. It sounds like they just make it up as they go!

 

Do you serve coffee in this book store? Do you have any over stuffed chairs where I can sit and read?
No. I'm sorry. We're not that kind of book store.
I miss my old book store. I could spend all day there just hanging out, snoozin', reading my mags. -sigh-
Why did you stop going there?
They closed.
Made that cup of coffee last all day, did ya?

 

You seem more cynical than usual.
Yea, I guess so.
You know what you need? More poop jokes!
Well, I think I'll...
...PASS?
nah...just wind.

 

Good job, Lil' Hitler! You lost our only ball!
Sig Heil?
by christopher7murphy, 4-16-07

 

Hey! I've gotta complaint about that chair you gave me!
I didn't give it to you. I left it out on the curb.
There's a hole in the seat. The inards are poking out.
I put it outside for Spring Pick-up.
Oh...it was a "spring!" But it wasn't in my step.

 

ARRRgG! So you're the new guy?
Permission to come aboard, Capn'!
Where were you trained, lad?
I have a Master's degree in Buccaneering from Pirate University.
ArrrG! You've a B.M. from P.U., eh?
No, Sir! I just smell that way!

 

Welcome aboard, College Boy!
But I don't think you know all about Piracy by just reading books!
I am confident my college studies were sufficient to work this ship...
...after all, I had a "Sea-Average."

 

Hey Lil' Hitler!
Ja, Lil' Eva?
I think we should see other people.
But why, my Liebhaber?
Lil' Sadam has been givin' me the eye...and I hear he's very well hung.

 

...ummm..uh...
What did you do?
Look at you! You're covered in blood! You're filthy!
You've been using my toothbrush again, haven't ya?

 

Greetings, young Billy! I can and will bestow you with great powers! Just say my name and you will become the world's mightiest mortal!
Jello?

 

No, no, no! Young Billy, say my name...
Jello...
No! Not Jello! My name is...
Jello....
Do you WANT power, or not?
Puddin'...

 

Please, young Billy! I am here to grant you the powers of the gods!
All you have to do is say my name!
Clyde.
-sigh- Let's go back to Jello.

 

Okay! If you say the copyrighted, trademarked name "Jello," I will bestow upon you powers befitting your high moral fibers!
"J" for the "Juice-High in vitamin-C." "E" for ..um.."excellent vision." "L" is for...um...
...Hey, look. Let's just say you won't be to dissapointed. You'll be awsome. Wait and see.

 

Go ahead, young Billy! Say it! Say the word that brings great power!
JELLO!
BILL COSBY?
Snrkkle Fritz! Gee-gee-gee!

 

..and to get great power, all I have to do is say your name?
Yes! Say it! Say my name! Sayyyyy it! OHHH, YESSSS!
?
You tease!

 

Hey? You rearranged the furniture.
Yep. I had to.
But it was set up just right.
But, by having the furniture my way, there is a quicker escape route...just in case!
Who's coming over?
Mom.

 

How's your carreer in children's book illustration coming along?
Not bad. I thought I would write some established book series...
I really hope you remember these are books for children.
What do you think about this title? "Curious George Abhores a Vacume."
Last year you sent seven children to therapy...and three parents.
What? Too vivid? Ya see, I have the man in the yellow hat tape George's spleen back inside him!

 

Could you build me a..well, I'm not sure what it's called. Do you know how some people like to read in the bathroom? um...
OH! No problem! I build magazine racks next to toilets ALL the time.
Well... Actually..um...I usually I like to crochet when I'm on the...er..pot.
No problem! You need a cubby hole for your yarn and patterns, right?
YES!
I like to call it the "Knit-n-Shit."

 

Bear left!
I know.

 

Sir...Do you know you were driving 25 miles OVER the speed limit?
Wow! THAT's how frickin' fast I was goin'? Not bad for a guy without a licence, huh?
Oh crap! I'm sorry. Don't mind me. I get chatty when I'm drunk.
Why are you lookin' at me like that? I didn't kill him.

 

You gots books?
Yah. I gots books.
I buy books?
Yah. You buy books.
Goot! I buy all you books.
Ohhh Mr. Dalton, that gets funnier everytime you come in.

 

Hey! Did you hear the one about the dirty skanky whore and the astronaut?
Hold it!
I can tell you right now, that I will find this joke offensive!
I'm sorry, I forgot you were an astronaut.

 

Hey! What's...
BALLS!
BALLS! BALLS! BALLS!
Sorry...I'm just a little 'testie' today.

 

Say Cap'n, did you always want to be a pirate?
Yes! But me parents wanted me to stay in the family business.
Mom and Dad wove yarn for a living.
But I told them I was a lubber, not a fiber-er!

 

Hey! You're the Colonel! Can I get a Bucket of Chicken, Colonel Sanders?
Miss, I am NOT the Colonel!
The nerve of some people. Sheesh!
You're the Burger King, aintcha?

 

What was that thump!?
I think you hit something!
Was it a cow?
No...I think it was your mother-in-law.
Gosh..thank goodness it wasn't a cow.

 

Can I ask you a personal question?
Sure! You're my best friend. You can ask me anything!
Can I smell your poo?
Probably. I just farted.

 

Do you have any baby books?
Yes. Do you want books about babies, for babies, or teeny-weeny little books?
Fuck it...I'm getting a dog!

 

Be on the look out for "Secret Shoppers."
Corporate H.Q. periodicly hires agencies to spy on us.
Oh...to make sure we follow standard customer service procedures.
No. Because our company feels that even assholes deserve a job.

 

Squirrel-Boy.
Squirrel-Boy.
Squirrel-Squirrel?
Damn Caterers!

 

Remember. If a "Secret Shopper" does come into our store, you must mention our discount card program AND at least one benifit!
Gotcha!
Would you be interested in our discount card membership?
The card is also great for picking your teeth!

 

Are you all together?

 

I would like a refund for this book.
I'm sorry...this book is worn out. The pages are all yellowed.
YELLOW? Yellow....Okay..I confess. I pissed on it.
The phone rang. I needed to mark my place.

 

Who are you?
I was sent by the Governor to make sure all future correspondence uses a unified lettering style!
Do you have any proof?
Excuse me while I whip this out!
"To the people of StripCreatorville. Here is your NEW Font Officer. Anyone not using his font will have thier feet cut off."
I guess before I came along, you could say you were "Sans Sheriff!"

 

My dog ran away from home last week.
I looked and looked, and there he was!
So, how did you find him?
Delicious!

 

Happy Birfday, Unca' topher7!
Thank you, Tara! Did you know when I was born, you're Gandma n' Grandpa had to drive over five hundred miles to find a doctor?
Wow!
They had cars back then?
SIS! She's doing it again!

 

Stop! Do you want me to arrest you?
Arrrg! I'm gonna punch you silly!
No..no...I'm sorry. You have the prettiest eyes.
That's it! I'm hauling you in for "Assault and Flattery!"

 

What happened to you?
I had a debate over who was in the better band, Dennis DeYoung or Mick Jagger
I said, "Neither." I prefer polka.
So apparently....Styx and Stones CAN break my bones!

 

............................................................................................................................................................
Fine! We had to take the back roads. It would be fun. -bah- Well, look at the car! Its ruined!
Ooooooo! Dual exhaust.
by christopher7murphy, 5-28-07

 

..............................................................................................................................................
"As long as we are in the area...how about driving past the sunken ship!" -bah-
Engine's flooded! Tee hee!
by christopher7murphy, 5-28-07

 

....................................................................................................................
Why couldn't you have gone at the sunken ship? -bah-
by christopher7murphy, 5-28-07

Showing page 13.

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