All comics by AccentuateNegative

Profile

 

What do you want to do now?
We can go back to my place and play Clone Wars Light Saber Duals.
No matter what you might think, I'm not interested in getting into a sword fight with another dude.

 

What do you want to do tonight?
Number 6.
Is that where we go ridin' into town, whampin' and a whompin' every living thing that moves within an inch of its life?
Except the women folk, of course.

 

What are your hobbies?
I really like cycling. How about you?
Lately, I've really gotten into voodoo.
Well, you just made my head shrink.

 

So, stud, are you into any kinky stuff?
Well, I do have this particular fetish that always gets me off.
Hot! Tell me!
I don't know...
Feet? Frottage? Leather? Armpits? Shit? Panty Hose? Water Sports? Voyeurism? Exhibitionism? Cock & Ball Torture?
I like to have sex with men.

 

You ready to party like it's 1999?
Already did.
I guess I'm dating myself.
Nobody else will.

 

You wouldn't date me?
Are you talking about carbon dating?

 

I cut myself shaving pretty bad yesterday.
As I looked at the blood gushing from my chin, I could only think of one thing...
I haven't had a gash this big on my face since I dated women.

 

Well, what did you think?
This isn't a huge compliment, but...
That's the biggest living thing I've had inside me.

 

Hey, where are you going?
I've got some other plans. Besides, you and mom always go to bed long before midnight.
You should be with your family. We were going to have pie. You like pie. Well, the apple kind anyway.
Really, dad, I have to meet some people...
SON, IT'S CALLED NEW YEAR'S EVE, NOT NEW YEAR'S STEVE!

 

Every time I log onto gay.com, I get barraged by trolls trying to hit on me.
Set your status to invisible, then.
How do you do that?
Change the age in your profile to 40.

 

Hey, what are all those dudes doing just standing around in the bushes?
They're all closeted men looking for hook-ups.
I can't believe you just took me through the cruising park.
All straight guys should know about this place.
For one reason.... or another.

 

Have you prayed to God to forgive you for your filthy, sinful, lustful ways?
No.
I have spent a lot of time on my knees, though.

 

Oh god...that's the whore who my boyfriend cheated on me with.
You should go kick his ass.
I don't want to risk losing my shoe up there.

 

My new place is so cold, I have to sleep with Monte and Vincent.
Slut.
Those are my dogs.
Yet you're the bitch.

 

You look really tired.
I didn't sleep well last night.
Why not?
Before I went to bed, I jerked off to the thought of having a one night stand with this really hot guy.
And then I layed there all night wondering when he'd finally leave.

 

Did you see The Trials of Ted Haggard?
Of course.
Even though he's a sanctimonious, self-hating fag, I sort of pity him.
I'd say it took a lot of balls to participate in that documentary, but it was obvious he needed the money.
He still had a lot of balls.
On his chin.

 

I was sexually active at an early age.
I think I gave my first blowjob in 4th grade.
That's pretty young.
I was in the Boy Scouts.

 

How was your date last night? Was it with another guy who is way too young for you?
Well, as soon as I picked him up, he wanted to go back to my place.
Oh, so he's a slut?
So he could watch Degrassi.

 

I had a good time last night.
Me too.
You're cute, but I didn't really feel any romantic spark, though.
I was thinking the same thing. I'm glad we can be honest with each other and not waste our time trying to make something out of nothing.
We could still have sex, though.

 

I think I'll head home now.
Okay.
Are you going to go to bed?
Nah.
I'll wait for the cum to dry first.

 

It started out consentual...I just wanted to have a good time.
Don't blame yourself. You're the victim here.
The next thing I knew, I was bent over with two fists forced up my ass and I had to hand over $10 to get them out.
Ten bucks, you say?
It was called...a convenience charge.
TICKETMASTER!

 

I really need to get laid.
It's been that long, huh?
Yeah...
I have the worst case of blue balls since Dr. Manhattan.

 

I went to Ikea today.
Was it full of the gays?
Yeah, what is it with you people and that place?
At the rate we go through relationships, we don't want to spend too much on buying furniture together.

 

So you've never had sex with a man?
Of course not, I'm married to the Lord.
Well, he's been fucking me for years, but that doesn't stop me from getting a little something on the side.

 

In a landmark decision, the Iowa Supreme Court unanimously ruled that state's ban on gay marriage is unconstitutional.
Whoa.
We'll have more on this breaking story which will have major implications in a moment...
The Mid-West, the Religious Right, and the Republican party is going to go ape-shit.
But first! In other political news, Michelle Obama and Carla Sarkozy square off at the G-20 Summit...who was better dressed?

 

So after you go through reparative therapy we'll hook your penis up to a tumescence monitor and show you gay porn to measure if there is any response.
I'll do it under one condition...
What's that?
We hook you up at the same time.

 

How are you feeling after that big ride yesterday?
My legs are fine, but after all that time in the saddle, my bike shorts chafed me raw in some unmentionable places.
You should get some butt lube.
I have that.
If you have chamois cream then why don't you use it?
Chamois cream?

 

After all these years of watching Kevin Smith movies, I finally got to see Jason Mewes naked. He had a nice dong too.
Yeah, but you know he chubbed up before the scene.
You think he chubbed up?
What would you do before appearing in a full frontal nude scene?
I'd chub up.
You'd chub up.

 

What are you doing?
Downloading a movie from iTunes.
Torrent that shit.
And here I thought you were just a butt pirate.

 

This place is pretty cool. I've never been to a gay bar before.
Are you here with anybody?
Yeah, my friend.
Friend or boyfriend?
Oh, actually, I'm straight.
So is spaghetti until you get it all hot.

 

After my last break up, I pretty much gave up on dating.
You need to get over that.
I try, but I lay in bed at night and think that nobody will ever love me...
...as much as my Fleshlight.

 

It's Memorial Day. Let's do something patriotic.
Like what?
We can go to the military bar, hang out with the sailors and service members.
Like you need any excuse to service members at a bar.

 

So this is what your bedroom looks like.
You've been in here before.
Never with the lights on.

 

Can you believe Dick Cheney said he thinks gays should be allowed to marry?
Yes.
Because of his lesbian daughter?
No.
He's always been in favor of torture.

 

I'm ready for a long-term relationship.
What was the longest you were ever with a guy?
Do sleep overs count?

 

WOOF! I love chubby guys like you.
Well, let me finish this and we'll go back to my place.
Great! I can't wait to tap that flabby ass of yours.
Actually, I think I'm out of lube.
Surely, there's a bead of sweat running down your back right now.

 

Things are terrible between my boyfriend and me. We rarely talk, but when we do, we just fight.
He's an asshole.
He's coming over to hang out with us.
Why the fuck is he going to do that?
I told him you insisted.

 

Hey! How are you doing?
Great. It's been a while. What are you up to?
I've been with my boyfriend for a year now. We're raising show dogs together.
You're the last person I ever thought would become a breeder.

 

I'm tired of putting up a facade when trying to date someone.
I think from now on when I meet a guy, I'll just be my naturally outrageous self.
That's why I farted the first time we met.
That's why we're just friends, baby.

 

Do you know that guy over there?
I knew him like ten years ago--he's an asshole.
I think he's nice.
I saw him at a party once and he denied knowing me until his friends left.
In all fairness you were really fat back then.

 

I got my HIV test results back today.
And?
Negative.
I've never had an STD.
You need to get out more.

 

I have never spent any quality time in San Francisco.
You should go. Isn't that like the gay Mecca?
Yeah...
Only without the torture, mutilation, and hanging of gay people like in the regular Mecca.

 

I just got a free sample of the new Trojan Ultra Ribbed Ecstasy condoms.
The package says it feels like there's nothing there.
Your package feels the same way.

 

Get the door! It's your uncle Eric.
He's strange.
The word is "queer."

 

When I told dad, all he said was, "Just tell me you don't take it up the ass."
What did you say?
I asked why he always has to compare me to you.

 

Wasn't that guy your regular thing for a while?
Yeah. I think he was into role playing in bed.
You're not sure?
No.
What was his game?
I think it was called, "Cute boy found dead."

 

Hey, aren't you asshole hotelier Doug Manchester?
You mean the guy who donated $125,000 to the campaign against gay marriage in California?
Yeah, how's your wife of 43 years?
Well, actually, we're getting a divorce.
Still protecting the sanctity of marriage, eh?
For the record, all my alleged affairs were with women.

 

I hooked up with a hot Israeli guy last night.
He drilled me all night long.
A Jewish top?
Yeah.
I think they're called dreidels.

 

Have you seen that Orbitz commercial where three men are playing golf and a guy in a hovercraft comes up and gives two of them rebate checks?
Yeah.
One of the guys is wearing a shirt with a Human Rights Campaign logo on it.
I don't believe that commercial.
That Orbitz gives people money back when someone else books a lower fare?
No, that there are gay men who play golf.

 

Smokey the Bear is turning 65 years old this month.
If I know Smokey, he'll probably spend his birthday surrounded by young boys instead of other bears.
Great. Now you're claiming Smokey the Bear for the gays too?
Methy the Twink never caught on.

Showing page 14.

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