All comics by russman

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by russman
8-07-18
I'm really excited about this weekend. We are going to have a good time.
It should be fun.
But you know what would make it more fun?
What's that?
If someone would buy me a new pair of shoes before we go.
That would be great. Maybe they could get me a pair too.

 

by russman
8-09-18
Where have you been? You've been off work for hours.
We had to pick up a few things for the weekend trip.
I hope extra strength condoms.
You mean extra long, right Mom?
Don't be smart. I was married to your father. It was nothing to write home about.
Yeah I guess not a whole letter. But if texting had been around back then. Would it at least have been worth that?

 

by russman
8-13-18
Look who's back. How was the weekend with the young hottie?
It was the best of times it was the worst of times.
What was the best.
The 2 hours of sex every day.
2 hours?
Okay the 10 minutes of sex everyday.

 

by russman
8-15-18
Hey Stranger. I need a favor.
What's up?
It looks like I'm pregnant. Stop doing the math. It's not yours.
So, who's the lucky guy?
Doesn't matter. But I'm going to the clinic Friday after work to get rid of it. Could you take me? I've got a room for the night. Unless you've got plans with the little hottie.
Well I was planning....shit you had me at Hey. I'll bring the beer.

 

by russman
8-19-18
That was a very depressing weekend.
Depressing? I thought you would enjoy helping to kill babies and hanging out with a slut that you couldn't have sex with.
I was giving moral support to a girl who made some poor choices.
And how is the new girl going to react to you spending the weekend with your ex.
I don't know. But do you remember a time when the stuff we talked about was at least slightly funny?
Slightly might be an exaggeration. I don't remember the funny part at all.

 

by russman
8-23-18
Recap: I spent last weekend with my ex while she got an abortion. No it wasn't mine.
I can't believe I agreed to come here with you after what you did to me last weekend.
I'm sorry. It wasn't what it looked like. I was just doing a favor for a friend.
In doing so I blew off my current girlfriend with whom I may or may not be falling in love.
Spending the weekend in a hotel with your "ex" sounds more like she was doing the favor for you.
You would think but it wasn't that kind of weekend. Someday I'll be able to tell you what it was for. But I can't right now. I made a promise.
Of course we all work together and my ex made me promise not to tell anyone. Please kill me now.
I'm sure one of my ex's would be glad to hang out with me this weekend. Call me if you decide to tell me the truth.
Shit. No wonder I never do the right thing. Look where it gets you.

 

by russman
8-27-18
Monday morning called to Human Resources
Good morning Russell. We don't get to see you midnight shift workers very ofen.
That's one of the main reasons I work midnights.
Now I've got to figure out who is trying to get me in trouble.
Anyway it's been reported to us that you may be having an inappropriate relationship with another employee.
Inappropriate? You mean like a forbidden position or something.
I really doubt if this is the end of the situation.
I'm just going to mark this down has a verbal. Let's just try to be a little bit more discreet.
Sure. By the way you couldn't give me a hint on who I'm supposed to be more discreet with could you?

 

by russman
8-30-18
What the fuck. I didn't think you were real.
I didn't think you were either. What, do you live in this bar?
What do you want?
Was hoping our boy was here. He may be off the deep end this time.
Over a girl or a job. He doesn't care about that shit. So what's it like living in his head?
Remember that scene in the Bee Movie when the flowers all died? Just like that but with brain cells.

 

by russman
9-01-18
What have I told you about coming into this house. You bushy tailed rat.
Nice to see you too. Any idea where our boy is at?
Probably off with one of his little tramps. He'll drag his sorry ass in here sooner or later.
I don't know. He usually takes me with him to witness the debauchery.
Just exactly how does it work with you two?
Best not to think about it too much. It's kind of like you drying the same fucking dish 24 7.

 

by russman
9-03-18
It's kind of a turn on that someone went to HR about us hanging out.
Oh yeah. People trying to get me fired is an awesome thing.
Don't worry, I told them you weren't bothering me. I said we are just good friends.
So who do you think reported us?
I don't know. But let's make sure we keep talking at work and we will see what happens next.
This seems like it might be more fun for the supposed victim than the accused predator.

 

by russman
9-05-18
I heard you missed me.
That might be the wrong word. I was just concerned about the nut situation. I wouldn't want to have to start foraging again.
Anyway it looks like I get to keep my job. The investigation is officially closed. Plus I get to keep seeing the hottie.
Who now has the power to not only quit seeing you whenever she wants, but can go ahead and have you fired at the same time with just a word.
You know every once in awhile Jiminy Cricket let Pinocchio feel good for just a little bit before bringing him down.
What else would you expect from a bug. I think a squirrel gives you a little more perspective.

 

by russman
9-06-18
Hey Mom. Sorry about the weekend. Just needed to get away and do some thinking.
I hope you decided to make some changes.
Oh I did. I realize that my life has become totally pointless. Living paycheck to paycheck and moving from one girl to the next.
So what did you decide to do about it?
Isn't it obvious? No more thinking. What, you thought I was going to give up girls?
And you wonder why your sister is the executor of my estate.

 

by russman
9-09-18
All right. It's football season again and me and you are gonna watch the game and get drunk just like we used too.
That's the tentative plan.
C'mon, you're not gonna bail on me are you? Are you waiting for some girl to text you with a better offer?
As much as I enjoy our time together you've got to admit that any offer from a girl would by definition be better.
You know we went to college together, your sarcasm is not as lost on me as you think.
Well, someone didn't drink his breakfast this morning. We better get you a shot.

 

by russman
9-13-18
You know that feeling you get when you just know that everything's gonna be ok.
That somehow no matter how grim things look you can just sense that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
No, seriously, do you? Cause I sure as hell don't.

 

by russman
9-15-18
I am so confused, another friend from work just told me it was the girl who reported me to HR.
But she says it wasn't and keeps wanting to go out with me.
It just doesn't add up no matter how I look at it. Do you have any ideas?
You know I don't listen to a word you say if I don't get the customary hey I need your attention nut.

 

by russman
9-21-18
You have to work tonight.
Yep, mandatory overtime six days a week 10 hours a day for the next month.
You'll be getting some good paychecks, maybe we could get some bills paid off.
Or I could just spend the extra money on coke so I can work all these hours without sleep.
Oh very funny.
Yeah funny. By the way do we have any straws? Just stick it on that clipboard over there. I need them for work.

 

by russman
9-30-18
Since the HR incident we don't talk much at work.
Hi
Well hello there. I thought you didn't think it was good for us to talk at work anymore.
Now I get to watch her flirt with all the other guys.
We can say hi. Just don't want them to know we are hanging out.
Yeah that would be awful if they thought that. I notice that doesn't stop you from talking to perverted Shawn.
But I dont like a regular guy, I like You. She said has she walked away.
We only hang out at work. I would never go on a date with him.
Sure that makes sense, better if people think you like a pervert than a regular guy.

 

by russman
9-30-18
Dude, I saw you talking to Allison. She is so hot. I think she likes me.
Hey Shawn. She is kind of cute.
Man, I've been trying to get her to go out with me. I'd love to eat that ass.
I'm sure you would. So what does she say when you ask her out.
She's always got other plans but she never says no. You know what that means.
That she is being polite and you should probably stop asking.

 

by russman
10-14-18
Glad you could make it. Let's watch some football and do some drinking.
You don't call me for weeks then just expect me to show up and hang out whenever one of your little sluts turns you down.
Yes
Ok

 

by russman
10-17-18
So, that's the whole story. What do you think?
Jesus. How do you even get out of bed?
Sometimes I get sex.
You put yourself through all that shit just to occasionally get your penis touched?
Yep.
Humans are stupid.

 

by russman
11-04-18
I can't believe you didn't come to my brothers funeral. You are supposed to be my friend.
You know I'm not good at that kind of stuff. Plus I've been really busy at work.
I talked to your Mom. She said you took your girlfriend to a haunted house that night. C'mon we aren't 16 anymore.
I'm sorry dude.
Yeah you really are.
But she's really hot...God, I am sorry.

 

by russman
11-29-18
I almost forgot you still lived here. I never see you anymore.
Yeah, that's the reason we've been getting along so well.
I suppose you have big plans for the weekend.
Sort of. But I thought I would take my favorite girl to breakfast first.
Oh wow. To what do I owe this honor.
It's nothing. But you might want to bring your credit card. I'm a little short.

 

by russman
1-13-19
Don't say it.
I would never. I'm sorry you're hurt.
You know I really liked that one.
I know, and who would have thought that a girl that hot would ever give you up.
Yeah... Wait a minute, I'm sad but my sarcasm detector is still on point.
Can't get nothing by you. And by the way. I told you so.

 

by russman
1-13-19
It's alive. I Can't believe you let that little slut get you down.
Don't start Mom. I'm not up to it this time.
C'mon you've been dumped and dumped girls a hundred times. Including a wife. What's different about this one.
I don't know. I knew it wouldn't last. But I really wanted it to.
At least you finally turned off that terrible sad music. What do you call that playlist? I wish I was dead?
It's called fuck my life. 6 of one...

 

by russman
1-13-19
It's been months. You ready to get drunk and watch some football?
Oh yeah. I intend to get so drunk I forget my name.
Shit. The Hottie dumped you didn't she?
We are definetly not talking about that.
C'mon man. You know you weren't going to keep that one. Even you had to see that.
Why don't I have a shot yet? And when is this fucking game gonna start?

 

by russman
1-19-19
I hear you and the hottie are no longer a thing.
I heard the same thing about you and the Black Stallion.
Ok, have a good night.
You too.

 

by russman
1-20-19
Well this was the longest weekend ever.
I thought you would like having me just hanging out at the house the last couple of days.
You need to get a girlfriend or at least go hang out with your friend.
I thought you hated the sluts and you always complain when I go to the bar.
If I'd have known that the alternative was watching you stalk your ex on Facebook I would have never complained.
The correct word is creeping. And if she didn't want me too, she should have blocked me instead of just unfriending me.

 

by russman
2-01-19
What are you doing? That's the only bridge back to the hottie.
Screw that Bitch. We ain't going back. Pass me that gasoline.
What are your two doing in there? Don't do anything to make anybody mad or embarrass me.
Relax Dude. Go back inside. You can come out when we get to the bar.
Cool, we are going to a bar.

 

by russman
2-15-19
Have fun on your cruise. I'll see you in a couple of weeks.
Do you have any plans at all or is it just sitting around feeling sorry for yourself?
I'm planning on drinking till I pass out and with any luck choking to death on my own vomit.
Remember what I said.
I know use the old sheets and flip the mattress back to the side I pissed on that one time I was drunk.
Yeah. That "one" time.

 

by russman
3-01-19
God, it stinks in here. Did you even look at the cats litter box while I was gone?
Look at it. You can smell it from outside, I couldn't even get near it.
Are those the same clothes you were wearing when I left? I recognize that mustard stain.
Again. Who's idea was it to put the laundry in the same room as the litter box?
I take it the little slut didn't come back to you yet.
It's not just that. Rags quit Stripcreator again, too.

 

by russman
3-09-19
Did you ever wake up with your dick still inside your sock and it's all sticky when you try to pull it off?
Then your mom's like why'd you sleep on the couch and where's your pants and other sock and Oh my God put that away?
So anyway how's your weekend going?

 

by russman
3-17-19
We've been here since this morning and you haven't even talked to any of these drunk bitches.
I know. I just can't get into it. I appreciate you hanging out with me though.
Wait a minute. I thought we would pick up a couple of these girls. That's your job. You've got the chick game.
Ok. Let's do a couple more shots then I'll give it a shot.
That's more like it. I'll get the drinks.
Great. I'll go throw up. That oughta help.

 

by russman
3-25-19
I got called into the office at work. Apparently there have been some complaints about how some of the mentors are training the new employees on the machines.
They said I was the only one that hadn't been reported so they want me to give a class to the other mentors.
I said sure. But it's really simple. I teach them the same way guys show drunk girls how to shoot pool. Did I mention that mentor is an unpaid position?

 

by russman
3-28-19
Drinking on a week day. What's the occasion?
I'm meeting a girl here I met on-line.
It's about time you moved on.
Oh yeah. This girl is decent looking, age appropiate, and super nice.
I'm proud of you, Man. You are finally figuring out what's truely important.
Damn right. I'm gonna break this girl's heart. Someone has to pay for what the hottie did to me.

 

by russman
3-28-19
A few people have been asking me what I've been doing. I haven't been out much lately.
I explain that I've been scouring Facebook searching for the perfect memes to express my sadness and depression without making it obvious to the person that caused said depression.
Oh and I try to help out my Mom at home. So that keeps me pretty busy. That stuff won't get itself off the top shelf.

 

by russman
4-01-19
So last night at work. One of the lady bosses asked me to cut some material into 6 inch strips.
I cut the first two about 3 inches and waited on her to come check on me. Do those look like 6 inches to you she asked.
I'm a guy so they looked at least 7 I responded. I thought I got a glimpse of a smile before she sent me to HR.

 

by russman
5-20-19
Well, your dad just died.
What, my dad died years ago.
Very funny the man who raised you.
You mean your ex-husband that was two other husbands ago?
That's no way to talk to a widow.
You're right. I might be able to use this to get time off from work.

 

by russman
6-02-19
It lives.
Yep. I'm back baby.
So, you finally decided to move on with your life?
Hell no. She broke up with the new guy and called to get what only I can give her.
Your sweet, sweet love?
Well, Xanax first. But the loving comes as soon as she nods off.

 

by russman
7-03-19
I've noticed a few more people have been posting comics to this site again.
A few have even been funny.
Maybe I should quit making comics about my personal life and start making funny comics again.
Again?
Sorry, I meant for once.
Dare to dream. Big Guy.

 

by russman
8-19-19
It was nice having you home this weekend. What was the occasion?
I was missing me some Mom time.
Wouldn't have anything to do with it not being payday week would it?
You are so sceptical. I don't just stay home when I'm broke.
Great, that means you'll be here again this weekend.
That's funny. I love how sarcasm is our thing.

 

by russman
12-12-19
So I went to the doctor and I told him evrytime I do this it hurts.
Let me guess. He told you stop doing that.
It seemed weird but I took his advice.
So what don't you do anymore?
Care.
Best advice ever.

 

by russman
1-25-20
What? No way. I would never do something that stupid.
Is exactly what I would say.
If I hadn't just did something that stupid.

 

by russman
11-11-22
So now that I'm older and wiser, I thought I might start making the funnies again.
That's great the strip creator guy has been hoping you would come back.
That's great. How did you find that out?
Yeah. I can see the older but the wiser not so much.
There is one thing I'm happy about.
What? That you are still considered a strip creator donor, when it's been damn near 20 years since you donated?

 

by russman
11-12-22
Finally a day off. I could use a drink or seven.
Me too, Man. That job at the farmer's market really took it out of me.
The one where they paid you in pumpkins for helping them take down their tent.
Yeah. I messed up I should've took that $20 they offered me instead.
What about your plan to make a killing selling homemade pies.
You know those innards don't taste nothing like pie no matter how thick you spread it on the shell.

 

by russman
11-13-22
Hey Good Lookin'. What's for breakfast? How about a big stack of pancakes.
It's almost 11. Why don't you pop a couple of Eggo's in the toaster.
I'd rather wait on some of those famous pancakes.

Showing page 14.

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