All comics by AccentuateNegative

Profile

 

Jenkins turned in his resignation today.
That job is going to be hard to fill.
Just don't replace him with a queer.
Of course not--they're lazy!
And they're always taking off whenever their kids are sick

 

I've got nothing against gay guys.
I just wouldn't want my daughter to marry one.

 

Dear Fag: Can you recommend a gay friendly church?
Dear On-Your-Knees: That can be difficult to find...
It might be easier to look for a black-friendly Klan rally.

 

Finished packing for your trip?
It took me three hours.
For one suitcase?
Yeah. I couldn't decide what to bring.
Can't you just grab a bunch of clothes and shove them in a bag like most guys do?
I have a lot of clothes Europe hasn't seen me in yet.

 

I was just reading about a 98 year old Holocaust survivor.
He was openly gay until the Nazis started enforcing anti-gay laws.
He was imprisoned twice, then sent to Buchenwald, but survived.
If anyone needs to make an "It Gets Better" video, it's him.

 

Dear Fag: Why are there so many gay people drawn to San Francisco?
Dear Golden Gay: San Francisco was named after St. Francis of Assisi.
I think that means he's the patron saint of sissies.

 

I heard there was a terrorist plot against a gay Jewish synagogue in Chicago.
What do you call a gay Jew anyway?
Heblew.

 

They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...
So it makes sense to start at his asshole.

 

I can't wait--I'm going up to San Francisco next weekend.
I might cum as soon as I get off the plane.
I think I just figured out why the Pope kisses the ground when he lands somewhere.

 

How come you're not married yet?
Can't.
Why not?
Gay.
No shit?
Occasionally.

 

Survivor Nicaragua is finally over.
You know what this means.
This is probably the last chance we'll have have to see Jimmy Johnson shirtless.

 

Wow, haven't seen you online in over a year. You must be unhappy with your boyfriend.
How'd you know?
Because that's how it always ends.

 

The repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell will be a military disaster.
It will lead to oversexed gay soldiers climbing into bed with straight soldiers.
What makes you think that?
Because that's what happens in all the erotica I read.

 

It was a mistake to rush through the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell. We have no idea how allowing openly gay soldiers will affect the military.
United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, France, Germany, Italy, Spain, Portugal, Sweden, Denmark, Netherlands, Norway, Greece, and Belgium.
Yes, but not ALL of the NATO allies have allowed it. What about Turkey?
Israel, Colombia, Argentina, Albania, Romania, Slovenia, South Africa, Philippines, Serbia, Czech Republic and even China and Russia.
Those countries hardly have a stellar record of keeping the peace or preserving democracy.
Switzerland.

 

You know, it wouldn't kill you to move around every now and then.
And you can put that fist right back where it came from, mister.

 

Cousin Geri from Facts of Life came out this week.
She was the one who had cerebral palsy.
I'd go lesbian for a day just to find out what it's like to scissor with a spastic.

 

Did you finally meet that guy you were talking to online?
Yeah. He didn't meet my expectations.
They never do.
He told me he worked out religiously.
Turns out that meant he pumps altar boys.

 

Are you doing anything Saturday?
I'm cycling in the morning, then going out with a boy at night.
Hopefully, I'll get two rides in.

 

Wow, have you let yourself go?
I haven't worked out in two weeks.
You know you're gay, right?
I was getting laid.
But you aren't any more?
I let myself go.

 

Dear Fag: How can I tell if a guy in front of me is gay?
Dear Blip on the Gay-dar: I'll answer your question with a question...
Is your cock in him?

 

Can you believe it's been seven years since we were together?
No.
Do you think we could ever...
No.
You're too old.

 

Do you want to give me a back rub?
C'mon.
Can we just skip to the fucking?

 

The cable company sends me a monthly newsletter.
It's called "Cox Connections."
My people call that "docking."

 

Did you hear they're making a new Three Stooges movie?
No.
Sean Hayes from Will & Grace is playing Larry.
I thought he was a 'Mo.

 

How come Jesus never got married? Is it because he was gay?
He was a manly-man who spent his early years as a carpenter, then later among the Apostles.
Hung out with dudes and banged wood.

 

I'm from Brooklyn.
I'm from Queens.
You don't sound like you're from New York.
My dads are from San Francisco.

 

Here...
This one's too big.
Must be the booze.
This one's too small.
Good morning, Goldicocks.
This one is juuuuust riiiight

 

How are things going with that new fuck buddy of yours?
I think we're ready to take it to the next level.
Whoa.
Yeah.
You mean?
Friends-with-benefits.

 

Why do you have all this ice cream?
The guy I'm seeing likes it.
Twenty.

 

I've been thinking a lot about what you said.
And now I believe that God has a great plan for me.
Lots and lots of buttfucking.

 

How are things going with your new plaything?
They're going so well that I'm thinking of taking it to the next level.
Whoa! You mean you're going to start calling him your boyfriend?
No.
I'm thinking of farting in front of him.

 

You're such a chicken hawk. Have you even had sex with guys your own age?
Sure.
When?
Plenty of times.
Adding up the age of the guys in your threesome doesn't count.

 

I'm looking forward to meeting this new guy you're dating
I think you'll like him.
Is he like the other guys you've dated?
More or less.
Then I should make sure I have a clean sippy cup in case he gets thirsty.

 

So you're getting shipped out?
Yeah...In two weeks.
You know what this means?
That it will be a long time before we see each other again?
No, the next time you take a shot in the face, you could get killed.

 

I'm really into older guys.
So, when did your dad die?
When I was twelve. Why?

 

Are you all sad now that your boytoy Marine is gone?
I knew he was getting shipped out when I met him, so I never formed a deep attachment.
So it was just about the sex?
It's kind of like if you lost your Fleshlight.
WHAT WE HAVE IS REAL!

 

Well, a Republican-controlled legislature has finally legalized gay marriage.
And yet we're all still here.
Archbishop Timothy Dolan of New York campaigned heavily against it.
That's ironic.
What is?
That a man who wears a dress to work every day would be so adamantly opposed to anything gay.

 

I've been brushing up on my Spanish for my trip to Spain.
The last time I was there, they said I sounded like a Mexican, so I'm trying to adopt a more Spanish accent.
Well, you've already got the lisp down.

 

I once hooked up with that guy over there. He has an enormous cock.
It's like a baby elephant's trunk.
I'm really not a size queen.
It really wouldn't be fair if you were.

 

To demonstrate the "bestial" nature of homosexuality, a group of right-wing protesters attempted to bring a donkey convoy to Thursday's Jerusalem Pride Parade.
Police stopped them.
Later that night, however, many asses were ridden bareback.

 

I just scored 100% on a quiz to name all of the 1970's Planet of the Apes sequels.
This is why I'm single.

 

Dear Fag, what do I do if a guy comes onto me?
Dear Hop On The Kinsey Scale--You didn't mention whether it was unwelcome or not, but the answer is the same...
Wipe it off.

 

I'm seeing a new guy.
What's he like?
Well, he really gets off when I facefuck him and then blow my wad in his face.
I meant his personality.
We haven't gotten that far yet.

 

Look, last night was fun, but we really should practice safe sex.
It's no risk to you.
I know, and I'm clean, but I'd just feel better if we used precautions.
It doesn't feel as good, but if that's what you want, okay.
You're right, it does spoil the moment.

 

We're out here today, inviting people to a really cool series of lectures my church has put together.
You're from the Church of Latter Day Saints?
Yeah.
Your people are against pre-marital sex?
Yes.
Well, all the sex I have is premarital because of your church's support of Proposition 8, so fuck off.

 

That college kid I was screwing now wants me to pay for him to move back again and let him crash at my place until he finds a job and place to live.
If you do that, I will never stop humiliating you.
That's why I'm telling you.

 

Eventually, you have to tell your parents.
It's worse if they find out accidentally.
The belt around his neck was plaid and matched his shoes.

 

On historic this day of the repeal of Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell, I thought I'd mention that the last two guys I had sex with were both Navy corpsmen.
That shouldn't surprise anyone.
You all know I've swallowed seamen.

 

I don't know why I take you to straight bars.
I can't pick up chicks with you in tow.
I know I'm not a good wing man.
Yeah, you're a tail gunner.

 

I need to confess something to you.
What?
I've been lying to you for years.
About what?
Fucking your mother.

Showing page 16.

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