All comics by AccentuateNegative

Profile

 

You want an appetizer?
We HAVE to get some saganaki.
Why that?
Because I like my cheese how I like my men...
Hot, flaming and melting all over me.

 

Let's get another beer.
Nah, I have to go home and pack my shit.
Shouldn't you be getting ready for your vacation instead?

 

When I met you all those years ago, I never thought you'd turn out to be a nancy boy.
You know what's funny about that?
Besides everything?
I've still had more straight sex than you.

 

Sometimes I fall asleep while still logged into a certain hookup app.
I get more action between 2 am and 6 am than I can get all day long.
Like Joan Collins and Barbara Walters, you look best when you're a little blurry.

 

Rick Perry's wife said her family has been brutalized because of their outspokenness against homosexuality.
Interesting...
Have any of their kids, or any other kids anywhere for that matter, hanged themselves because other Texans have bullied them for choosing to live an Old Testament lifestyle?
No.
Talk to me when they do.

 

Isn't it weird that you get to use the same restroom with straight guys?
I mean, don't you get all turned on by the line of cocks at the urinals?
I don't define sexual tension as watching guys like you struggling to cinch their belts.

 

I need a new phone.
What features are you looking for?
Anything that can improve the quality and speed of photos I send of my junk.
Please tell me you don't do that.
You can't spell 4G without orgy.

 

Maybe we should put our differences aside for a moment and try to see if we can find some common ground.
Well, we both spend way too much time thinking about gay sex.

 

Dear Fag: I just read a story about a womanizing Welsh rugby player who had a stroke and woke up gay. Can a stroke really turn a man gay?
Dear Bottom of the Scrum...
Depends on where it is, how long it lasts, who is doing it, and how much you like it.

 

So this guy and I were going at it for hours and hours and hours.
No matter what we did, I couldn't cum.
I shouldn't drink when I hookup.
You know most people say that the other way around, right?

 

First, you're going to kiss me and then lick me all the way down to my toes. You'll suck on those little piggies until I moan like a fat woman eating a mud pie.
I will?
Yes, and then you'll lick my ass until it's all sloppy and wet and jam your cock in there and fuck me in at least eight different positions.
I think I'll go home instead.
You don't want some of this?
My Fleshlight doesn't boss me around.

 

Representative Barney Frank is finally packing it in.
By that, I mean he's retiring.
At his age, that's the only way he can get a man to run for his seat.

 

So when we got to the concert venue, he found out that he lost his wallet and it was a 21 and up club, so there was no way he could get inside without his ID.
Yes, I know this is what I get for fucking children.

 

Would you fuck Han Solo?
You know I'm not into older guys.
But you're the biggest Star Wars fanboy I know.
Yes, I'd do it just to prove a point to George Lucas.
What?
Han shoots first.

 

While you were at the bar, some guy came up and said he really liked how my jeans show off my huge balls.
Really?
Yeah.
Was he Asian?

 

Let's go get a drink.
Okay, and I won't drag you to a gay bar this time.
You always say that, but then you end up saying whatever bar we're is boring and you insist on going to a gay bar.
I won't this time.
How can I be sure you won't?
I'll wear something unflattering.

 

I can't believe how messed up you were on New Year's Eve.
I didn't have that much to drink.
I know! That's why it was so incredible.
I feel like somebody slipped something in my drink.
Who in their right mind would roofie you?

 

We tried to get a cab to take you home, but you smelled so badly of vomit, not even the Somali drivers would take you.
Oh, god.
Yeah, so we had to carry you all the way back. The entire time, I kept thinking one thing.
You hoped I wouldn't die?
No, that I couldn't wait to tell you all about it.

 

Well, thanks for taking care of me.
After all the times we've had together, it was finally my turn.
I've always said you're the Patsy to my Edina.
You're the Patsy.
You're blond and I make more money.

 

I was happy to see Mitt Romney squeeze out Santorum in Iowa.
I always knew he had it in him.
But probably not as much as Marcus Bachman.

 

Would you like to go out sometime?
Sure.
Coffee or just get right down to it?
Coffee.
Coffee is fine, but I'm interested in more than that.
Coffee can lead to sex, but sex rarely leads to coffee.

 

Your reservation is not ready yet.
Would you like a room with two queens?
What do they look like?

 

I was reading how kids are soaking tampons in vodka and inserting them to get drunk. Guys too!
Would you ever do that?
I like getting drunk with no strings attached.

 

Have you ever had Five Guys?
No.
The most I've had was two.
I meant the hamburger place.
In & Out?

 

Valentines Day is Tuesday.
You know what that means?
Boyfriend season starts Wednesday.

 

I need to go down and get my hair buzzed.
I'll do it. Where are your clippers?
I don't have clippers.
How do you...
Razor.
Smooth.

 

How many beaded necklaces are you going to go for?
As many as will fit up my bunghole.
So...like...a lot.
Literally a shitload.

 

Do you want to get dessert?
I thought you said you eat like a girl.
I do.
I'm going to throw it up later.

 

Sorry, there's no way I'm going to get naked around all these guys.
Being naked on a beach isn't about showing off or caring what people think. It's all about being comfortable with yourself.
I know, but I would just feel really awkward and uncomfortable.
I wish there was a way to convince you that you have nothing to be ashamed of and people will accept you for who you are.
It gets bigger.

 

We should go kayaking.
I have no idea how to do that.
You'd be a natural at it...
Just sit on top and stroke.

 

Is there any history of prostate cancer in your family?
No.
Then at your age, we don't have to check for that today.
You can if you want to.

 

I live in Hillcrest.
That's the gay part of town, right? My wife and I go there sometimes--there's a really good bakery my wife likes.
My wife and I also go there during restaurant week and try out all the neat restaurants. What's the name of that great dessert place? My wife keeps saying we should go there.
Every Sunday, my wife and I take a walk through the park, then hit the farmers market. My wife gets all our vegetables there. I mentioned I have a wife, right? I have a wife. I'm married.

 

Dear Fag: Having sex for the first time is a very special experience.
Would you take your virginity back it you had the chance?
Dear Cherry Bomb: I would under one circumstance...
To exchange it for a bigger size.

 

I should never have joined a straight gym.
What's wrong with it?
Waaaay more old, naked guys just hanging out in the locker room.
You don't like wrinkly, old knobs staring back at you?
Between the temperature of the pool and the manscaping practices of the elderly, there's no danger of that.

 

I've been looking my whole life for Mr. Right.
But now that I'm getting older...
I guess I'll have to settle for Mr. Left.

 

I'm officially old.
Bullshit. You're the only guy I know who looks better now than you did ten years ago.
I found a grey one.
I don't see... oooooooooh.
I'm cold.
I fetch your shawl.

 

This is Cerebro.
From here, the Professor can locate others like us anywhere in the world.
Oh, so it's like Grindr.

 

I think you're my dad's age.
by AccentuateNegative, 5-10-12

 

Well, Obama finally announced he's in favor of gay marriage.
But he also thinks granting equality should be left up to the states.
Because letting a majority vote on the rights of minorities worked out so well for black people.

 

I just got a facial.
Those are the five words a son never wants to hear hear from his mother.
I feel like eating out tonight, do you want to come?
STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!

 

I was talking to that guy over there before you showed up and he gave me a palm reading to determine my future.
You mean he looked in your hand and interpreted all the lines?
Not exactly.
Then what did he do?
Grabbed my cock to see if he was interested.

 

Thanks for letting me stay with you.
No problem.
Is there any way I can repay you?
I accept LayPal.

 

Let's go out.
I'm really tired. I had a hell of a week.
Then I think you should blow off steam.
Tell me more about this Steam fellow.

 

To all the African-Americans who refuse to accept that the fight for equal rights for my people is the same as the struggle for civil rights for yours...
I suppose I can understand that.
It was different the first time you had to tell your parents you were black.

 

How realistic does your Fleshlight feel?
It's even better than the real thing.
Is that even possible?
I'm telling you, it's amazing.
And no emotional drama to deal with.
Although, boyfriends are easier on cleanup.

 

Millions of people would instantly hate us just for saying the words, "I'm gay."
It's amazing how people can be such assholes...
When they find out what we do with our assholes.

 

Dear Fag: Why are men such a pain in the ass?
Dear You're-Going-to-Feel-a-Tiny-Prick: In my experience, it usually comes down to one thing...
Not enough lube.

 

Dear Fag: At what point do you transition from just dating to being in a monogamous relationship?
Dear Til-Death-Do-You-Part: While every relationship is different, I think there is one general rule...
Whenever you're not attractive or rich enough to get anyone else.

 

I can't believe you dragged me here. It's all old guys.
Old guys have to come here because they aren't hooking up on social network sites.
Maybe I should create an app for that.
What would you call it?
GUMR.

 

OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! STOP!
What's wrong?
It burns!
Do I need to use more lube?
No, I ate too many jalapeños tonight.

Showing page 17.

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