All comics by LuckyGuess

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by LuckyGuess
9-25-07
Ay! Mi rabo es grande!
*glorp glorp*
They're just killing us in the ratings.
Fucking Kid Nation.

 

by LuckyGuess
9-25-07
Unless it looks like I was making hot sloppy to the monkey suit.
When did they win a monkey suit?
Jonathan Karsh needs an ass wax.

 

by LuckyGuess
9-27-07
Rule #1 about Clown Club is: you do not talk about Clown Club.
I am Jack's enflamed prostate.

 

by LuckyGuess
9-28-07
It took a disturbingly long amount of time for me to realize that GAP actually was referring to a space between objects and wasn't an arbitrary placement of letters.
It just makes me wonder what else I've missed along the way. Maybe I should slow down and take time to smell the roses.
They should staff the GAP with retardeds.
They could wear funny hats. People like funny hats.

 

by LuckyGuess
10-02-07
My schedule isn't correct. A lot of the times for classes are wrong or were changed by several hours.
That was Stan from ITS. When they fired him and he scrambled the classes of initials A-F.
They replaced him with the more adequately skilled potted ficus from the third floor mens bathroom.
The university hired a tree?
Stan wasn't used to working with dicks.

 

by LuckyGuess
10-08-07
There's a cop outside.
Well, shit. Party over.
He asked me about a prowler. Like, "Hey, did you see some wierd guy harassing people? Because we got reports of a prowler."
Holy fuck, that's awesome.
What the fuck even IS a prowler?
It's like a disgruntled fisherman ghost. With a hook hand.

 

by LuckyGuess
10-08-07
Like a hook for a hand? Are you sure?
I've never been more sure of anything in my life.
Attention partygoers, there is a man outside with a hook hand. He will kill you with his hook hand when you try to leave.
That is all. Please continue to enjoy the keg and bag of weed.
I actually enjoyed the hookah in the back more than the bag of weed.
Just like "HYAAA" and you're dead. Hook hand right through the brain.

 

by LuckyGuess
10-08-07
I can't really imagine some guy outside shanking bitches with a hook hand.
Well I didn't know weed technology had developed to a point where you just suck air out of a bag.
In their bumbling laziness the pot smoking population has actually developed a way to skip the "rolling" phase and go directly for a hit. Congratulations American ingenuity, I am quite impressed.
KYAAA I AM THE PROWLER
Ow, fuck. Your finger just scratched my neck.
If I were really the prowler you'd be dead right now.

 

by LuckyGuess
10-08-07
Damn, that actually stings.
Hey, I need a ride home.
When?
I'm not sure, I lost track of time a while ago.
This must be the work of the prowler.
It's probably the work of the bag of weed.

 

by LuckyGuess
10-08-07
I didn't even hit the bag of weed. I just sort of looked at it because it was so upheavlingly ridiculous.
Like that video of a doctor holding up a kitten with two faces. You just have to sit back and take it all in.
Is upheavlingly a word?
No.
I could have sworn it was a word.
Well it isn't.

 

by LuckyGuess
10-08-07
Thanks for the ride.
Don't thank me yet. We still haven't braved the vicious streets of the prowler.
Would you drop the prowler shit already?
No. This is a comedy gold mine, and I intend to mine the shit out of it while destroying the surrounding environment with toxic chemicals.
Just unlock the door.
And when they got to the car, the handle had a HOOOOOOK ON IT OOOOOOO!

 

by LuckyGuess
10-28-07
I'm hoping that the Republicans understand that they can't possibly win this election. This whole charade of trying to blame Democratic hopefuls for the ails of America isn't doing anything.
What do you have to say about your rival, Hillary Clinton?
While I have a few qualms about Mrs. Clinton's policy arrangements I do believe she is a good politician and has shown the state of New York real leadership in the Senate.
Well what about what she's doing now?
What is she doing now?
TRICK R' STAB
NOOOOOOOOOO

 

by LuckyGuess
10-29-07
What's that?
It's my Wii.
Small and white. Just as I suspected.

 

by LuckyGuess
10-29-07
Wii you like to play?
No, I already have a Wii.
We don't need him, Gerald.
Oh Mark, I just want you in me.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-05-07
Excuse me, could you get your hand away from my ankles?
Sorry, I had a square of toilet paper on my boot.
That's very embarassing.
Indeed.
What the fuck are you doing?!
Sorry, I had a square of toilet paper on your dick.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-05-07
Apparently the victim greased his entire body with margarine and tried to "slide" through the television set into another world.
Like that show Sliders?
I guess so. He left a note for his family to read once he left Earth.
What a senseless waste of human life.
Remember that one episode where those scientists got eaten by giant beetles?
That was the best thing I've ever seen.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-25-07
We cannot allow the muddy blood of the darkies to mix with our pure and righteous genes!
Let God look upon this Earth and grant us the tools to smite them from existence! White power!
Hey, you guys know where the Blockbuster is?
Y-yes! It's down the street and to your left.
Gosh, they're so darn intimidating.
I'm checking my pockets in case he stole my Jambacard.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-28-07
Some punks stole the baby Jesus out of the manger scene.
Well get a new one.
No, like, the actual baby Jesus. It's gone. They took it.
In three days it'll end up on a lawn or something.

 

by LuckyGuess
12-01-07
Alone. Lost in the darkness of life, without love or attention. If this my fate, to resign myself to this terrible void?
If only Mindy would notice me, the shining beacon of the fax room. Would she reciprocate my feelings? Would she love?
Hello there, Mindy.
I wish you wouldn't call me other people's names.

 

by LuckyGuess
12-10-07
With the threat of new fires and even more global weather catastrophies, Al Gore has taken an even greater anti-global warming stance in public politics.
LISTEN TO ME!
When faced with these comments, white house spokesperson Ari Fleischer called Gore a "pussy ass bitch" and took a shit on the floor. Reports indicate there was corn in it.

 

by LuckyGuess
12-17-07
Your crazy ass drama teacher called security on me within three minutes of coming in to say hello.
She didn't actually call security. She just said that so you'd leave.
Sounds kookaloo.
Fucking kooky mckookerson.
Kookaroony.
Kookamonga.

 

by LuckyGuess
12-29-07
This one time I was doing a chick and I was all like "PYAAAAAH!" right in her butt.
"PYAAAAAH!"

 

by LuckyGuess
1-05-08
Barack Obama for president! Find out if America is ready for a black president... tonight at 10.
Is Barack Obama REALLY black? Find out if he's a lying sack of shit... tonight at 10.
Barack Obama caught getting the name of a magazine he read ten years ago wrong in his new book. What else is he lying about... tonight at 10.
Obama, sounds like Osama... tonight at 10.
This guy looks like Barack Obama, we beat him with sticks... tonight at 10.
Fiscal policy.

 

by LuckyGuess
1-05-08
Hillary Clinton is unlikable! Is she too unlikable to win the election? Tonight at 10.
Hillary Clinton makes a funky southern accent for a speech. We tell you what the fuck is up... tonight at 10.
Bill Clinton back in the White House. Can black people become enfranchised enough to live near you... tonight at 10.
Is America ready for a woman president? Tonight at 10.
Our guest looks like Hillary Clinton. I have sex with her breasts and cum in her hair... tonight at 10.
You'd be the first.

 

by LuckyGuess
1-21-08
Following recent fears of a severe economic downturn, the stock market plunged over 300 points today, sending investors into literal fits of hysteria.
In a suprise move, President Bush admitted the economy may come to some kind of downturn in the future maybe.
The president is working on a recovery package with chairman Burnanke of the federal reserve, which aims to cut taxes in order to solve the problems created by cutting taxes.
Congress responded by watching "Ernest Goes to Camp" 79 times in a row.
I liked Ernest Scared Stupid better.
They killed trolls with powdered milk.

 

by LuckyGuess
1-22-08
Actually it was my plan to freak on Lucky. I was all like, "Hey, let's freak on Lucky."
I bet he froze in fear and pretended he was dead.
Lucky is a wily possum.
Opossum.
No.
It's a marsupial.

 

by LuckyGuess
1-22-08
I am aware what a POSSUM is and they do not start with an O.
And don't tell me "It's widely accepted as a term," because IT IS NOT.
Do I make myself clear?
One time my dad found an opossum in the attic.
It was pretty dead. He saw it and was reported to have exclaimed, "Oh! Possum!"
Of course this volated international Bill's a dumbass codes and he was slapped with tariffs.

 

by LuckyGuess
1-22-08
Why do you people insist on inviting me into these things?
I need your opinion on a word.
I understand that my masculinity and unparalleled conversation are desirable, but for christsakes I'm only one man.
Possum or opossum?
My, who is that strapping young lad? OH WAIT IT'S ME.
He even smells good.

 

by LuckyGuess
1-22-08
Of course it's accepted both ways. Opossum is just longer and in my opinion an inferior word used by inferior thinkers.
Inferior thinkers piss me off.
I concur.
We should piss on inferior thinkers.
*Lucky and orfind urinate
This is why we don't hang out in RL.
What smells like soup.

 

by LuckyGuess
1-31-08
It makes a lot more sense if you played the video games.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-03-08
You ever had a really great salad?
No.
Just like, a big, delicious, leafy salad? With a bunch of fresh croutons and thick, delicious dressing.
I don't eat salad.
And little red tomatoes that are just big enough to cork a ten-year-olds asshole?
Ohhh, that's where I remember you from.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-10-08
How hypocritical of modern society to tell me when and how much I have to pay rent.
Let's just live where we want, when we want, and pay nothing to anyone! We'll take back the streets!
Then we grab some pidgeons, and we fuck them! Every last one.

 

by LuckyGuess
3-10-08
Is this... heaven?
Sure is. Please sign in using our secure server.
This looks a lot like my Washington Mutual account.
Dennis, it IS your Washington Mutual account.
NOOOOOOOOO

 

by LuckyGuess
3-30-08
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, I hope you're a fan of date rape, happy birthday to you.
That could be anybody.
Victim says it was you.
I'm not getting that from this.
Try checking the subtext.

 

by LuckyGuess
4-12-08
I play my Blue Eyes White Dragon in attack mode!
Oh no! I'm defenseless!
Blue Eyes, attack! White Lightning!
ARGHHHHHHH!!!!
I don't care how many Life Points he had left, you're paying for all of this.

 

by LuckyGuess
4-13-08
And so, on a perfectly temperate Wednesday afternoon, Isaac Jacob Henry would discover a massive red lump that had situated itself on the base of his penis.
This both confused and frightened Henry, who due to a combination of bad luck and crippling halitosis had not enjoyed sex with another person in three and a half years.
This sensation would last exactly two minutes and seventeen seconds, at which point the saviour of humanity would burst from his pelvis, killing him instantly.
But these are new pants...

 

by LuckyGuess
4-30-08
Nice room you got here.
Thanks, I try to keep it presentable.
Why are there so many socks behind your mini fridge?
Those are fridge socks. The fridge needs them for fuel. I believe in a green household.
They smell like ejaculate.
That's the smell of progress.

 

by LuckyGuess
5-01-08
Three bags of funyuns and a Hanna Montana magic marker set. Will there be anything else?
AND I SAW WHEN THE LAMB OPENED ONE OF THE SEVEN SEALS, AND I HEARD ONE OF THE FOUR LIVING CREATURES SAYING AS WITH A VOICE OF THUNDER, COME. AND I SAW, AND BEHOLD, A WHITE HORSE, AND HE SAT THEREON
One Slim Jim.

 

by LuckyGuess
6-06-08
The new boss is giving me the creeps.
Really? I think he's a model of efficiency.
Attention employees, DOO WAP A DOO WA DEE DOO DEE DOO DOO WAAAAAAAH!
That will be all.
He does that with his pants down and his hands in the air.
I wonder how he pushes the button on the intercom.

 

by LuckyGuess
6-08-08
What's that?
It's a choose your own adventure novel. I found it at the used bookstore.
If only everything could be like this novel.
If you want Sarah to go back to reading the novel, turn to page 63. If you want Sarah to engage in casual anal sex, turn to page 90.
You are a bad friend.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-19-08
Who put the dirty plate in the dishwasher? I've told you all a hundred times to put the dishes away when they're clean BEFORE you stick dirty stuff in there.
Sorry, forgot.
That's fine, but try not to do it again. We're wasting a ton of money on water.
Okay.
You JUST did it, didn't you?
Sorry, forgot.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-19-08
Hey, can I use your bathroom while Garret takes a shower?
Go for it. Just watch out for the dried vomit on the side of the toilet seat.
There's dried vomit on the toilet? Fuck, why haven't you cleaned that up?
It's not my vomit, it's Walshe's vomit. I'm not cleaning up Walshe's vomit for him.
How do you manage?
I've devoloped a new position I like to call "Spider Shit."

 

by LuckyGuess
7-19-08
I'm making drinks. You want some?
No thanks, prior alchoholism dictates I should stay away from that.
Fuck you. Get wasted with me.
I'm pretty sure you'd be dead by the time I'd start buzzing.
Fuck it, I'm down.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-19-08
Dude, the guys got totally smashed. Did you see them downstairs?
FUUUUUUUCK WHERES WALSHE MAN I'M GONNA PUKE ALL OVER THE INSIDE OF THIS HELMET BRAAAAAAAAAH
Your silence betrays you.
That helmet can hold a lot of liquid.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-19-08
Alright Jared, rent's due. I'll need your addition by Thursday.
Can't. No money. I'm moving out tonight.
Dude, you can't bail. We had an agreement.
We had agreement for two months, one of which I overpaid for on good faith. You said you'd get me work, you didn't. No job, no money. No money, no rent.
Fuck it, I'm making drinks.
Great.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-19-08
I hate being unemployed. All I do is sit around playing Oblivion all day, then I drop huge wads of cash for bills and rent. I can't survive like this.
I just downloaded the Shivering Isles expansion pack for you.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-19-08
How was work?
Aw, it was fun. How was your work?
It was fun, too. Thanks for asking!
Awww, I'm just interested in your day. I love you.
Awwww, I love you too.
I know they're getting married, but shit.
It's like that fucking song from Lambchop.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-19-08
GOD DAMN, IT'S SO FUCKING HOT. WHY IS IT SO that is a full dick.
I can see your full dick.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-19-08
I'm making us pasta for dinner.
Make sure to cook it all the way this time.
Don't you tell me how to cook pasta.
Fuck it, I'm making drinks.
Wonderful.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-19-08
The guy my campaign is working against is a faggot mcfaggot faggot.
I'm going to need more conclusive evidence than that.
Look at his website if you don't believe me.
Alright. But I hope you've got more for me than a couple gay slur-
I've got sparkle macros and hot pink text shaders.
That is a full dick. I can see his full dick.

Showing page 17.

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