All comics by LuckyGuess

Profile

 

by LuckyGuess
7-19-08
My job is to take the garbage and dump it in the stinky trash room.
Alright, then I'll take mess correction... um... facilities...
What is this one?
Just cleaning up messes and organizing stuff.
That one.
I do believe I was just fucked.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-19-08
I'm gonna go work out.
Alright.
Make sure if Greg calls you send an elevator down for him, because I'm going to have my phone off.
Okay.
Yeh got sum pretty little legs thar boy.
Why won't you pick up, please god pick up.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-19-08
Listen, I need you to cover food.
You said I wouldn't have to cover food.
We live in a changing world, my friend. This is a paradigm shift in the right direction. Full speed toward the future!
I'm not paying for food.
If you really loved me you'd pay for food.
Grow some girl parts and we'll see how well that works next time.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-19-08
Ahh, the last cup of apple juice.
Dude. Homie. Whoa. That's my juice. I bought that juice.
I thought you were broke.
Juice is 3 bucks a gallon. I'm not that broke.
Good, you can go buy me more.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-19-08
I'm getting a house down here too!
That's great, Dale. I'm happy you're moving out of your parent's.
Yeah, it's gonna be super sweet. 24/7 gaming and all the Force Unleashed trailers I could ever want.
Fuck the rest of the month, I need to get the hell out of here.
I bet Jesus would have stayed. Don't you want to be like Jesus?

 

by LuckyGuess
7-19-08
Hey, have you seen my roomates?
I saw a couple of really drunk guys in the viewing room on the first floor.
Could you describe them for me?
I'd rather not.
Most people go that route.
I can see why.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-19-08
Well hey there! Good to see you, homie!
Quick, let me inside.
Did they follow me? Are they following me? Do you see a white Prius following me?
Something is wrong with him.
Fuck him, let's make some drinks.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-21-08
Have you gotten any sleep today?
No. I've been cramming as much time as I can into getting gamerscore for my Xbox Live account before I leave to do much besides eat and poop.
Do you at least get up from the couch to poop?
Well, yeah. Laundry runs would take more precious time from my gaming regimen.
I need you to stop. My ex called and wants us to return her furniture.
I'll fold some towels over my junk as a courtesy measure.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-21-08
Dale called earlier. He wanted to talk about Dark Knight, but forgot that I don't have any money.
I haven't talked with Dale since we went to Vegas.
Earlier that week
Anything? I could tell you if you want.
No, whatever it was I bet it's a good reason.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-21-08
I got a hookah for the apartment!
God damn that looks shady. Alright, as long as it doesn't cause any problems I'm fine with it being out on the deck.
If I get another noise complaint about this room I'm going to stop ignoring the minors holding drinks on your balcony.
The dirty water from inside the pipes went all over the floor while I was putting the hookah away.
Of course it did! Why wouldn't it?

 

by LuckyGuess
7-21-08
Hey, my name is Kendall. I live in the apartment under you guys.
Oh, hi. What's up?
Well I was wondering what a kid like you is doing out here in these rich people apartments when you're obviously unemployed.
I'm not unemployed. Who said I was unemployed? I work for a newspaper.
So do you stock meeting bagels or file things?

 

by LuckyGuess
7-21-08
Shopping time! I estimate we'll need 300 bucks in a pot for food.
FUCK ME. 300 dollars? There's only four of us!
We need fish and chicken for dinner.
Sterling silver fish and chicken?
We'll not be eating like barbarians in this household.
Count me out. From now on I'm hunting and gathering.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-21-08
You'll be rooming with Walshe. Watch out, in the morning you can hear some lady loudly having sex across the way.
Really? That's awesome! I love that!
OOO! OOO! FUCK ME! FUCK ME HARDER! FASTER! OH YEAH! OH FUCK! OH FUCK! OOO! OOOOOO!
Yeah! Fuck her hard! Touchdown, baby! TEE DEE! TEEEEE DEEEEEE!

 

by LuckyGuess
7-21-08
Been watching the news lately? Tony Snow died of cancer.
Aw, too bad. I liked the shape of his forehead.
Not big enough to imply he was superior to me, but wide enough at the top to say, "Hey, I'm going to beat this."
"I'm going to beat this."

 

by LuckyGuess
8-24-08
What a magical winter morning.
Jesus sure did make it fine, son.
I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF THIS
Golly, who's that, Pa?
The Richards boy. Always poking around my tomato patch.

 

by LuckyGuess
9-15-08
Wanna watch a movie?
Sure. What do you have?
I just got some award winning film from netflix.
" A thought-provoking suspense drama, Hate Crime is a testament to the power of love and the damaging consequences of intolerance."
I also have a porn horror film.
THAT ONE

 

by LuckyGuess
9-23-08
Welcome to the weapons demonstration, General. We're very excited to have you.
Good to be here. Let's see what that research grant bought us.
Systems active.
Seeking targets. Primary order -- eliminate all targets.
Impressive, impressive...
Systems sexually active.
Let's hit up a club, dude. I just got a sweet shirt from Express. Gonna score me a fine lady.
Clubbing? On a Wednesday?

 

by LuckyGuess
10-30-08
Who can make the sun rise? Sprinkle it with dew?
I'm sitting on the toilet while I take a righteous poo.
I'm telling you, Willy Wonka is in that bathroom.
Making Wonka Bars, no doubt.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-26-08
Stop that.
Wait, I can also make him talk.

 

by LuckyGuess
12-12-08
Please, my Lord, allow me to present you with this humble gift of gold.
This humble gift of WHAT?!
We had a spending limit, asshole!

 

by LuckyGuess
12-24-08
There are only two gears on my automatic: drive and overdrive.
What does overdrive do?
Let's try that by a starbucks.
Hello, ladies!

 

by LuckyGuess
12-25-08
What's that thing?
It's a list of top middle schools for my kid to get into.
I thought middle school was really shitty.
Not if it's a really good one! People look at that shit. I've landed some epic fucking jobs because I got beat up at Joseph Kerr secondary.
If your kid has a smaller tie-dyed backpack than you did they should be able to dodge the fists.
Ten years from now Billy will be grateful as fuck.

 

by LuckyGuess
12-25-08
Obama's going to change everything! He's gonna get us out of this war!
We were in a war?
The fuck were we in a war? Did I miss that shit? Was I sleeping? Am I on the planet Earth?
Oh, oh, right. Now I remember.

 

by LuckyGuess
12-25-08
Concerning Governor Blagojevich, it's safe to say that President-Elect Obama had no connection to the bribery scheme involved with the Governor's office.
We esteemed members of the associated press have thus decided it would be best to assram every headline and photo spread with them together, to better investigate these claims.
Don't you think that's counterproductive to accurately reporting the story?
Who the fuck are you?
Sorry, Steve. He's new.

 

by LuckyGuess
12-25-08
Don't even trip, we can totally undo all that last minute execurape.
That's only, like, three months of plutonium in the water. California always goes blue anyway.

 

by LuckyGuess
12-25-08
HOLY CUNTBALLS YOU'D BETTER GET A DTV CONVERTER THIS FUCKING SECOND.
YOUR FAVORITE SHOWS could turn into STATIC if you don't get a converter box by FEBRUARY 2ND.
The GOVERNMENT is giving out FEDERALLY FUNDED COUPONS to buy this SIMPLE TO INSTALL ACCESSORY for your TV.
Wow, that sounds really important. We should look into that.
New Orleans, LA
I mean, if the government is getting involved it must be pretty legit.
If the box is silver we'll need to rearrange the furniture for better ki. We can put the TV where they found grandma.

 

by LuckyGuess
1-07-09
We're getting a lot of nudie mags in the mail. I think they're supposed to be going to the Poon Hut next door, but the shipping address is mislabeled.
I'll take one.
Take as many as you want. They ship in bulk, so we've just been stacking them in the management office.
Isn't our new supervisor supposed to be deeply religious?
OH REAL FUNNY GUYS

 

by LuckyGuess
1-07-09
I'm sorry Sanders, but your numbers are way down for the last two quarters. We're going to have to let you go.
I've been working here for twenty years! You can't do this to me!
I've taken the liberty of bringing in Buttons the Magical Layoff Clown to help you through this difficult period of transition.
What about my children?! My wife?! I have a family! They depend on me!
I hate all of you.
Ha ha! Oh, Buttons. You always know how to brighten my day.

 

by LuckyGuess
1-07-09
That guy gives me the creeps every time I see him.
Look at him over there. Just... staring.
They're all your enemies, Buttons. They all want to see you SUFFER. Trussssst meeeeee.
SHIT! He saw us!
QUICK SOMEBODY THROW HIM SOME BOWLING PINS

 

by LuckyGuess
1-08-09
New operating procedure, folks. Everybody take a copy.
Behold, I have set the copy room before you: go in and possess the xerox machine which the MANAGER sware unto your supervisors, Dave, Creg, and Jeffrey, to give unto them and to their seed after them
Let me see that.
Yes dad, I was sure to collate the forms.
Did you send them as a two sheet? If my word goes out in triplicate there'll be hell to pay...

 

by LuckyGuess
1-20-09
Don't worry, Mr. Obama. It looks like the inauguration is secure. You're completely safe.
And now original poetry
What if the mightiest word is love?
THE PRESIDENT IS DOWN, I REPEAT THE PRESIDENT IS DOWN

 

by LuckyGuess
1-20-09
See? Dating again isn't so bad. This is nice. I could get used to th
What are you thinking?
FUCK

 

by LuckyGuess
1-20-09
See? Dating again isn't so bad. This is nice. I could get used to th
My cats are soooo funny.
I have, like, two cats, and my last boyfriend had three cats, and we had five cats.
FUCK
Let me tell you a long story about him.

 

by LuckyGuess
1-20-09
See? Dating again isn't so bad. This is nice. I could get used to th
I was puking all yesterday night.
I'm hungry.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-11-09
Hey Jared, it's a beautiful woman! Come on out and we can have a fun Valentine's day!
Oh no, you can't fool me! I know you try to kill me every year on V-day! I know what you want!
WE CAN EITHER DO THIS THE EASY WAY OR THE HARD WAY
YOU'RE NOT GETTING ME THAT EASY YOU SON OF A BITCH
He's not letting me in.
Way to give us up with the electric stove fire, Martin. That kinda shit ALWAYS happens.

 

by LuckyGuess
3-04-09
Alright Cindy, do you recognize YOUR... OLD... CAR?!
OHMYGOD
...You put air in the tires.
You've officially been Jewed.

 

by LuckyGuess
3-26-09
That opening set rocked!
Those last two songs were killer. This is shaping up to be a great show.
IF I GO CRAZY THEN WILL YOU STILL CALL ME SUPERMAN
Somebody seriously popped in a Three Doors Down album.
Where are we, Chuck E. Cheese?

 

by LuckyGuess
3-26-09
That opening set rocked!
Those last two songs were killer. This is shaping up to be a great show.
IF I GO CRAZY THEN WILL YOU STILL CALL ME SUPERMAN
Bumbleton, that's our song!
You really know how to treat a lady, Chuck.

 

by LuckyGuess
4-06-09
You're right, we should leave that date where it is. One last thing, a lot of the employees have been complaining about upper management, so
what
Well I've been asking around, and they
TURNCOAT! HE'S STAGING A COUP!
In retrospect, I could have stuck with the seedless meeting bagels.

 

by LuckyGuess
4-06-09
I say wait until nightfall.
I say charge in.
You always say charge in.
Oh, not this again. You know what? I'm done.
SURE JUST WALK AWAY FROM YOUR INSECURITIES DAVID
I AM WALKING AWAY FRANK

 

by LuckyGuess
4-20-09
Hey, how long is your flight to Geneva?
16 hours with layovers.
Oh NO! You'd better move around or you'll get a pulmonary embolism and die!
If you sit for too long you'll get a blood clot in your leg, then it'll go into your brain and kill you.
Guess I'll hold off on that request for a bigger office.
Yes, I'd like to place an order for two hundred compression socks.

 

by LuckyGuess
4-25-09
I think we'll be okay, but the worst thing you can do at this point is tell people you're being indicted, so just clam up until the court date.
Uh.
Three Days Prior
OH GOOOOOOOOOOOOD I'M BEING INDICTED NOOOOOOOOO
You son of a bitch.

 

by LuckyGuess
4-27-09
Christ, I'm starting to fall apart. Everything is so stressful lately!
Don't worry, buddy! Just relax.
Did... did you just shit your pants?

 

by LuckyGuess
4-29-09
Hey, doesn't your mother have to be Jewish for you to be Jewish? So you're not really a Jew.
The matriarchal lineage myth is a holdover from Nazi-controlled Poland and I am extremely offended that you would infer such a thing.
Oh. I'm sorry.
That's fine. Just make sure you get it right next time.
I thought that was true.
Depends on denomination, but the Jewish community magazine works in our building. I feel I've laid the groundwork for something beautiful.

 

by LuckyGuess
5-02-09
You encounter a mighty dragon in the mountain pass. He snarls at you, "Be you here for the treasure?"
I fukkin punch him in the face.
...You score a critical hit and put out the dragon's eye.
Fuck yeah! I drink another beer.
*glug glug glug*
Should I roll for that?
No.

 

by LuckyGuess
5-08-09
Sorry, had to take care of a bad case of blue balls. Watch your step.
Glad I came in through the back door.

 

by LuckyGuess
5-10-09
I always assumed you were on birth control, but I'd like to know just in case.
Yeah, I am.
OH THANK GOD I WAS WORRIED BECAUSE OF THAT ONE TIME YOU FINGERED YOURSELF AFTER TOUCHING MY PRECUM OKAY BYE
Uh.
We have fried chicken on the dollar menu.

 

by LuckyGuess
5-25-09
goddamn i do anything to give you a bj right now. Anything to hear those moans and please you.
It makes me happy to make you happy. I fucking tremble when I think about it.
Text me back anything but "score."

 

by LuckyGuess
5-25-09
helpp im naked in a bed
Do you know where you are?
there are unicorn dolls all over the dresser
fuck this is like that movie where she breaks the guys feet with a hammer

 

by LuckyGuess
5-25-09
I just got home. So I'm okay if anybody asks.
PS Clouds are really intense.

Showing page 18.

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