All comics by jes_lawson

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by jes_lawson
11-30-07
Take me out, tonight...
Take me anywhere I don't care I don't care I don't care...
Well, except Chinatown. And not the Carribean district. And as for Brick Lane, forget it...

 

by jes_lawson
12-29-07
EXT: Santa's Gluhweinhouse
Tried to make me go to rehab..
and I said...
HO! HO! HO!

 

Maybe walking you across the freeway wasn't such a good idea.
by jes_lawson, 1-13-08

 

by jes_lawson
1-14-08
What's this? A woman?
Yep.
Because I have found you on a Friday I shall call you "Girl Friday!"
Uh, actually my name is Carla.
Come Friday! We shall deign to leave this island and return to the empire of Lydia, and my fantastic wealth!
You can call me any day in that case!

 

by jes_lawson
2-02-08
...rrrRRRrrrgh...
Huh?
...rrrRRRrrrgh...
AAAAAGH!
RIP Jeremy Beadle 1948-2008
Ha ha! It's OK luv, just me, Zombie Beadle! I'm armless! Let's give her a big hand, folks! Then let's give me one too!

 

by jes_lawson
3-08-08
Guess I failed my last saving throw versus aneurysm, then?
RIP Gary Gygax, who made Friday afternoons, before I discovered girls and beer, a thing of wonder

 

by jes_lawson
3-17-08
Saint Patrick was a monk who is the patron saint of Guinness, which he invented by dumping sheep droppings in a vat of whisky and setting fire to it.
Saint Patrick is the reason Slash's Snake Pit can't play in Ireland.
He also co-wrote the traditional Irish tune, "The A-Team Theme"

 

RIP Charlton Heston.
From your cold dead hands, indeed, you damn dirty human!
by jes_lawson, 4-06-08

 

by jes_lawson
4-23-08
Jimmy you're well aware of our zero tolerance policy on plagiarism here.
Y...yes sir...
The problem is...I found a stray tabby in the Xerox machine this morning. It's an easy mark, but it's very cute.
So... you see my dilemma here?

 

by jes_lawson
5-09-08
"...and Good Queen Bess and all, hey nonny! And Good Queen Bess and All!" Thankyou, I've been Ye Wandering Minstrel!
Gadzooks! I must preserve yon sonnet for posterity!
Now then, to inscribe ye first chord of yon minstrels lute melody, which I will marketh with an A major tablature...
Forsooth! Dost thou have rights management for yon vellum parchment of Ye Wandering Minstrel?
Excuse me?
I am Sir Guy of Polydore and I doth own ye rite of copy! By hearing yon song with thine ears and transcribing it with the Satanic work of Gutenburg, killing ye industry thy be!

 

by jes_lawson
6-23-08
I've left a pizza in the fridge - make sure the team don't let it go to waste. It's the least they deserve.
Actually, the least we can do is absolutely nothing.
Paul, technically every negative number is less than zero, the least we can do is negative infinity!
You're right as ever Ian!
Is it too late to have that pizza poisoned?!

 

170141183460469231731687303715884105727!
Jings!
by jes_lawson, 7-13-08

 

Meth Lab for Cutie
by jes_lawson, 8-12-08

 

Jane's Addiction. To everything.
by jes_lawson, 8-14-08

 

by jes_lawson
8-14-08
Foals
Why Foals?
Many small doses of horse.

 

by jes_lawson
10-15-08
This credit crunch is worse than divorce!
How you figure?
I lost half my net worth, and I've STILL got my wife.

 

by jes_lawson
10-15-08
Say, you going to the stock car racing on Saturday?
Nah, I prefer stockmarket car racing.
More crashes.
Is that a box full of staionary from the boardroom?
Uh....No?

 

by jes_lawson
10-15-08
Hey I only just heard! West Ham United's shirt sponsor, XL Travel, went bust!
Well at least they have a song they can sing about it.
Yeah?
"I'm forever bursting bubbles?"

 

by jes_lawson
10-17-08
6 Across, nine letters. Capital of Iceland.
Hrm...
Three quid ?

 

by jes_lawson
10-27-08
Urgh! H-help me!
You poor man, let me help you up! What happened?
Thanks! I was walking to work when suddenly a group of people attacked me for no reason!
That's terrible, why would anyone do... say, does that shirt tag say that you're a Property Speculator?
Yes, it....AAAAAAAGH!

 

by jes_lawson
11-05-08
Spare something for the homeless, man?
Let's see... unicorn poop, a betting slip on Spurs to win the Premiership, invisible NYSE futures contracts, oh wait, here's a nickel!
What the...Barack Obama's face isn't on a real nickel!
Sure it is!
It's "change we can believe in".

 

by jes_lawson
12-27-08
This year, my loved ones clubbed together to afford a hobo-style radioactive vomit-stained string vest for me.
I'm also pretty sure it was infected with Plague, so it was straight back to Woolworths, yesterday.
First girl on the tills offered me the dregs of a can of Skol, with a cigarette end in it in exchange for it.
Next guy offered me $500 billiion Zimbabwaen. The next just said she would punch me in the nuts.
Finally, I settled for the 2008 Detroit Lions.
Should have taken the cock-punching.

 

by jes_lawson
1-31-09
I'm excited! Barack Obama represents real change for America!
Bollocks.
Huh?
You've got a black guy cleaning up the mess after a white guy.
What's changed?

 

by jes_lawson
9-11-09
Ol' Dirty Bastard, does Snoop Dogg have the Buddha Nature?
Wu.

 

by jes_lawson
11-26-09
What's yellow, lives in the London Docklands and speaks Klingon?
Canary Worf.

 

by jes_lawson
12-04-09
Hallowe'en rocks! I've got an awesome costume this year, what about you?
Mine's more topical. Let's try them on, shall we?
What the hell's that meant to be? Some sort of flimsy insubstantial apparaition with a terrible sweating problem?
Yes and no. I'm going as Nick Griffin.

 

by jes_lawson
4-16-10
I haven't turned on the news for 2 days. What's this I hear about the air travel situation?
Massive amounts of Ash in the atmosphere have grounded all flights in and out of Europe!
Ryanair are going to kill Tim Wheeler when he comes down.

 

by jes_lawson
4-17-10
DUMPH DUMPH DUMPH *ksssssssshht*.... DUMPH DUMPH
This club sucks.
Yeah, *cough* the DJ must have the smoke machine on full.
B'DUMPH SKRRRRT.....DUMPH b'DUMPH....
That's so you don't see the terrible decor and ugly women.
I can't see ANY women right now, and this DJ is god-awful.
*ksssssshhhhhhhhhhht.....*... DUMPH DUMPH DUMPH
True that. They should have installed a White Noise Machine instead.

 

by jes_lawson
4-18-10
DUMPH DUMPH DUMPH *ksssssssshht*.... DUMPH DUMPH
This is the worst gay bar I've ever been in.
Yeah, *cough* the DJ must have the smoke machine on full.
B'DUMPH SKRRRRT.....DUMPH b'DUMPH....
That's so you don't see the terrible decor and ugly men
I can't see ANY men right now, and this DJ is god-awful.
*ksssssshhhhhhhhhhht.....*... DUMPH DUMPH DUMPH
True that. They should have installed a Pink Noise Machine instead.

 

by jes_lawson
4-24-10
Finally back from the US I see.
Yeah, f*cking Icelandic ash cloud.
First their banks go bust, then their country catches fire.
I smell an insurance scam.

 

by jes_lawson
4-30-10
how tEH FUCK DO I MAKE A BAD COMIC LOL :)
Talking arm hwere. Fuck your shit in the fuck leek
w
DONT EVEN FUKEN NKOW WT 2 DO LOL :)
YO ive not got a penis bein a chickaen N ALL LOL :) HOW I FUCK A FUCK LEEK?
yeooooo! THIS SEX IS ON FIIIIRE!
Where's BAZILLA 2 handle all these leeks, leek?
Your father's dead. HE GOT FUCKIN FUCK WITHa leek.
w

 

by jes_lawson
6-22-10
INT: Cellfones-4-U, Inc.
So how is your product for the niche market avant-garde classical music themed phone getting on?
I had my people test and record the final ringtone last night!
So who was this John Cage, and why did he get you fired?

 

by jes_lawson
6-22-10
So what did you guys do last night?
The girlfriend made me go to see a Derek Jarman film.
Haw! So how did that make you feel, as if I need ask?
Stop trying to set up bad puns and call an ambulance, I think my retinas have burnt out.

 

by jes_lawson
8-31-10
Here's your baby Mrs _lawson.
Christ! He looks like E.T. caught AIDS off Elliot!
Here's your baby Mr _lawson.
JES! I AM YOUR FATHER!
Tossers. Neither of those jokes will be funny for at least another 4 years. 15 if you count the AIDS reference.

 

by jes_lawson
10-23-10
Is that one of those escaped genetic mutations staring at us.
You mean a myexis?
Whatever, it looks big and hungry.
It can't be. This is Ilinois, and everyone knows all myexes live in Texas.
You probably funded the research to create them just so you could make that joke!
Best $57 million I ever spent!

 

by jes_lawson
11-01-10
Some folks just aren't fit to be parents
Lily Allen for one.
What, too soon?

 

by jes_lawson
4-17-11
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore...
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!'
Quoth the raven:
Pauly Shore, buuuudy!

 

by jes_lawson
8-01-11
So it looks as if the federal government has done the deal and will keep its AAA credit rating.
Just as well, the alternative would be a lot worse
What's that?
Control of Congress would automatically pass to Triple H
First order of business, I'm gonna powerslam John Boehner. YEEAAAAA!

 

by jes_lawson
7-22-12
So this is Ireland, Mr. President of Ireland. I LOVE it!
CLICK!
Wh... what just happened?
Ah, now, we've had to sell off 39 of our 40 shades of green. This greenscreen is all we have...
CLICK!
Ah feck, we were hoping we'd have that backdrop for a few days yet. Feckin' bankers.

 

by jes_lawson
7-22-12
Ah, this is more like it. A traditional Irish pub, and a traditional Irish pint of stout!
To be sure! The surest, even!
Guinness reminds me of something my father told me about his homeland of Kenya
Full of rich heritage and tradition?
No, 99% black at the bottom, 1% white on top.

 

by jes_lawson
7-22-12
This has been fun Mr. Premier of Ireland, but we really should be going.
Sure will we not take a few Guinness for the road?
Ok, but only one half-sized tin for me.
You did say just one small tin of Guinness didn't you, sir?
Yes. Wee can.

 

by jes_lawson
5-23-13
Hey, I just met you!
And there's this white whale.
So here's my number.
Call me Ishmael.

 

by jes_lawson
7-13-13
I've been watching Star Trek: TNG again.
You know who my favourite chaarcter was?
Please... no...
Lieutentant Yarrr!

 

by jes_lawson
9-20-13
Master, does a dog have the Buddha nature?
404 FILE NOT FOUND

 

by jes_lawson
11-27-13
I read an old piece of graffiti in a Dublin toilet.
"British out! The occupier is always wrong!"
And I'd just come up with that new proof for superconductivity. Now so much emergency bog-roll.

 

by jes_lawson
12-05-13
What's with all the Post-It notes?
We're using Agile development planning. We need these to track our tasks.
Seriously?! What have you Agile folks got against trees?
Well... after all the planning is done...
... you can't wipe your arse with an iPad, can you?

 

by jes_lawson
2-05-14
What's this I hear about you and these dangerous online challenges?
But Mom, all the cool kids on the Internet are doing them!
If the Internet jumped off a cliff would you?
The Internet jumped off a cliff?!
YOLOOOOOO! *Instagrams*

 

by jes_lawson
2-14-14
Hey! Are you nearly ready for the CI presentation?
Sure I'm just whiteboarding up some eye candy for the uh...
Your arm's stuck in the wall again isn't it?
I'VE BEEN HERE FOR 4 F*$%KIN HOURS! WHERE'S I.T. WITH THIS?

 

by jes_lawson
2-14-14
Are you ready to give that CI presentation?
Yeah, it's all set.
Good. Make sure you don't mention that samoflange issue. Initrode don't need to know about that.
What the fuck is a samoflange?

 

by jes_lawson
2-14-14
Hey! Are you nearly ready for the CI presentation?
Sure I'm just whiteboarding up some eye candy for the first part of the
EEEEEEeeeeeeee........
Oh for Christ's sake, what now?
PROPS! The CGI's failed again! PROOOOPPPPSSS!!!
God damn amateurs! I'll be in my trailer...
This is me giving you the finger, Pixar...

Showing page 18.

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