All comics by AccentuateNegative

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OH MY FUCKING GOD! That guy is wearing ugg boots!
You know why they call them ugg boots, right?
Because any time you see a man wearing them, you just want to scream, "UGH!"
Especially when they tuck their dirty sweatpants into them.
I can hear you guys.

 

Nice shoes!
I like yours too.
When did we stop saying "hello" to each other?
Hmmm...when was the last time either of us wore tacky shoes?
Never.

 

Somebody actually gave me a fruitcake at work.
Well, that proves that theory.
Which one?
You are what you eat.

 

Hey, would you like to sit on Santa's lap and take a picture for eight dollars?
Sorry, I don't have eight dollars on me.
No...would you like to make eight dollars?

 

Hey, what took you so long? I've been waiting.
Sorry, I got the new issue of Men's Health and I lost track of the time while looking through it.
That's a good magazine.
Yeah, I've been a subscriber for years.
I really like their articles on nutrition.
They have articles?

 

Why are we celebrating this day again?
This is the alleged birthday of Jesus Christ, our saviour, the Lord, who taught us all to love each other dispite our differences..
His dad still hates fags, right?
Depends on whom you ask.

 

I had sex with Pam once.
Whoa! I thought you said you've never been with a woman.
No, I ran out of lube, so I used the cooking spray.

 

I was telling my friends about you the other night.
Really? How did you describe me?
I used the "B" word.
Oh my God! You called my your boyfriend! How sweet.
Yeah, I suppose that word starts with "b" also.

 

You need to tell more people you're gay.
Why?
So I won't feel so bad every time I tell someone.

 

Now that you're seeing that new boy, we're afraid we won't see you anymore.
Yeah, you're breaking up our little trio.
Don't be afraid. Just think of us as Peter, Paul, and Mary...
...and Mary.

 

I stopped whoring the day I met you.
Oh, that's so sweet.
I would take public transportation to come see you.
Whoa...This is getting serious.

 

Do you know what the most common hygiene item found in women's desks at work?
Tampons?
No, deodorant.
I have that in my desk.
Yeah, but you're a girl.

 

Ahem...I was looking at my user comments, and someone said I am a "One trick pony."
Perhaps this person doesn't know I'm also Choadwarrior.
And between these two accounts, I have over 500 comics covering almost every topic.
But since this account is an ongoing series about one area of my life, I can see how one might think I'm limited.
Of course, "One trick pony" is true in one regard, though...
I'm monogamous and hung like a horse.

 

You crack my shit up.
Too many jokes! Which one do I go with?
Uh-oh...awkward silence.
You aren't the first guy to tell me that...I'll bet you say that to all the boys...My boyfriend tells me the same thing...An enema would solve that...
I hope he knows I'm married.
Have you tried Olestra...I'll be more gentle next time...How is your sphyncter handling unemployment...

 

Your friends called and wanted to know if we would go camping with them.
Oh?
For the record, there is no way I'm sleeping on the ground.
Awww.
Camping to me is like staying at a Holiday Inn.
I always knew I'd fall for a guy who reminded me of my mom.

 

How was your day today?
I got hit from behind this morning.
I hope to God you're talking about an auto accident.

 

Oh my God...look at that thing.
It's like ugly sprouted legs and learned to walk upright.

 

Turn off the damn TV and pay attention to me!
But it's Superbowl Sunday.
So?
We can have Superbowel Sunday later.

 

I hope you dont mind, I used your $30 shampoo to wash my ass.
OH MY GOD! Why did you use that bottle on your butt?
It said it was for split ends.

 

Whoa...look at that girl's butt.
Mmm-hmmm.
I have a thing for asses.
Me too.
Please don't say, "My cock."
Damn.

 

I can't wait for my Valentine's Day present!
Here you go...it's that watch we both liked.
Oh my God! I got you the same thing!
At least we both place the same value on each other.
Now I'm glad I didn't buy him the $10 box of chocolates.

 

My boyfriend and I unintentionally gave each other the same watch for Valentine's Day
I'll bet that hardly happens in straight relationships.
You'd be surprised...
One time my girlfriend bought me the same vibrator I bought her.

 

You're the tornado in my trailer park.
You're the iceberg on my Titanic.
You're the Evel Knievel over my Snake River.
You're the salsa on my taco.
You're the alfredo on my fettucine.
Okay, these are getting kinda gross.

 

Ugh! I ate way too much at dinner.
For a minute, I thought you were going to chain me up, then make me put on a bikini and dance for you.
YOU BITCH!
I'm the Leia, you're the Jabba!

 

Assless chaps are simply not allowed in here.
What do you mean?
We're both wearing pants.
I know, but the chap in the yellow has no ass.
Told ya!

 

Call us fags...
I don't ever have to worry about PMS or menopause.
deny our right to get married...
He wears the same size shoe as I do, so I have twice as many pairs as you.
at least we're happy.
Neither of us cares if the other leaves the toilet seat up.

 

Having kids is the most rewarding thing I have ever done.
We can't have our own kids, and adoption is still very difficult for us.
My boyfriend and I love to walk hand-in-hand along the beach.
If my boyfriend and I displayed public affection, the reaction would range from disgust to violence.
I want to marry a rich guy, just so I can get a big settlement in the divorce.
Hmmm...half of us aren't entitled to alimony but the other half don't lose their houses when they dump their gold-digging partners. We'll call this one a draw.

 

What do you want to do today?
I don't know, what do you want to do?
I don't care. It's a nice day; I just want to go out and do something.
You're the one with the car, so you pick.
Want to go to Dairy Queen and watch fat people eat?
Let me get my jacket.

 

Does God love me unconditionally?
Of course. If you read your scriptures you would know that.
And the word "unconditionally" means without condition or limitation, right?
Sounds about right.
I'm gay.
Then you'll burn in Hell.

 

I was upset, so I cleaned your kitchen to work out my frustration.
What were you upset about?
Something that happened at school.
So it had nothing to do with you going out in public with your hair looking like that?
Hello, clean bathroom!

 

I resent how gays are trying to equate the gay marriage debate with the civil rights struggle of African-Americans.
Do you support the idea of gay marriage?
I think gays should be allowed to have a "civil union" that provides the same rights and benefits as marriage, but it shouldn't be called marriage.
It would be separate, but equal.
Perhaps we should take another look at "Brown v. Board of Education" while we're at it then.

 

If we finally get the right to marry, is that something you'd want to do?
Sure.
To me?
One step at a time...
I haven't even farted in front of you yet.

 

Hey--is that your girlfriend there?
Yes it is.
Oh...he was talking about her.
Did you just call me your girlfriend?

 

Those two guys look about as square as a two-dollar bill.
There's too many mixed metaphors going on here.
Yeah, did he just call us nerds or fags?

 

Two jobs ago...
You know who else is coming back here to Minnesota for training is John from San Francisco.
I could never live there with all the homos. God, I hear there are homos everywhere. Homos, homos, homos. I say keep 'em all in the closet where I don't have to see 'em.
I'll bet John knows just as many gay people as you do; the difference is, he knows who they are and you don't.

 

I have to go to that student mixer tomorrow night.
I said I'd bring the fruit.
I said I didn't want to go.

 

Take me to a movie, damnit.
There isn't anything good out.
I want to see Scooby Doo 2.
Hmmm.
You can't say no. I go to all your dumb movies, now you have to go to one of mine.
It's just that I didn't see the first movie, and I'm afraid I'll be lost.

 

Hey--Isn't that the old troll that always hits on you over there?
ACK! It is!
I wonder why he hasn't picked up your scent yet.
I'm wearing your underwear.

 

FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP
Are you jerking off in there?
Um...yes.
Don't you think I would want some of that?
I'm just celebrating Palm Sunday.
Then it's time for me to go to town on your ass.

 

Have you seen the lineup for the Coachella Music Festival?
Yeah, my boyfriend and I are going, even though he's never heard of any of the DJ's or bands.
Really? I thought you were both into house music.
Actually, he likes Jessica Simpson and Christina Aquilera.
What, is he gay or something?

 

Do you remember when you realized you were gay?
Yes.
What happened?
One day I was in school and I suddenly realized...
My shoes aren't like the other boys.

 

That drunk, 400 pound Samoan tried to grope me!
I think C3P0 gave the best advice on handling situations like this.
What?
Let the wookie win.

 

What do you want for dinner?
Rice-A-Roni
Ewwww...no.
But it's the San Francisco treat.
So are you.
Eat me.

 

The Bible prohibits homosexuality...it's an abomination.
But what about the Golden Rule?
Love thy neighbour as thyself?
Yeah.
You should live your life by that passage as well.
So it's okay to jerk him off several times a day?

 

Listen to him, he's just trying to help out.
Yeah, grey sweatshirts are soooo 1986.
I'll be damned if I'm going to let a bunch of ass-raping faggots tell me how to dress.
Wow--who knew two queens could beat a straight.
I knew he didn't have a pair even before I kicked him there.

 

Here in the U.K., a fanny is a minge and not a bum.
I know.
That's why I always laugh when I hear bum bags called fanny packs.
The thought of that offends me.
You're offended by the idea of twats?
No, that there are people who still wear fanny packs.

 

I want to watch that mini-series called "10.5" on NBC.
I don't think I could handle that.
I think I could handle 10.5 easily.
Yeah, but you've never been through a major earthquake--I have.
It's about earthquakes?

 

Your sense of humor is certainly different than mine.
I think I got it from my grandfather.
I know I did.
They made me show where on a doll in the doctor's office.

 

Can I get you anything else?
Nope.
Have a nice night.
I will.
Enjoy the condoms.

 

If your grandfather ever found out you're gay, it would kill him.
But he's already dead.
I know...he always suspected it.

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