All comics by BlackhawkTC

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by BlackhawkTC
5-14-01
Where are the transmissions you intercepted?
We intercepted no transmissions! This is a Napster ship!
If this is a Napster ship, where are the MP3 files?
We don't receive the files, we just route them to the third parties!
Well, I hate the RIAA, so I'd let you live, but I'm the primary bad guy, so...
AAAAAAAHHH!!!

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-14-01
There she is! Set for stun!
You'll never take me alive.
Oh? Why not?
There's no stun prop. The only one is Flame.
There she is! Set for flame!
I'm going to surrender now. That look on your face is making me want to kill you and I don't want to get blood on my new Corvette.

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-14-01
Fine, Zora. I got in the escape pod with you. Are you happy now?
Yeah, I suppose so.
You're full of shit.
No, seriously! Think of it this way. We've gone from a big target to a small target.
Why is that turret on the Star Destroyer turning to face us?
It's just a coincidence.

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-14-01
There goes another pod, Captain Devine.
LET IT GO! TEH POD SI MALFANCTIONS, I SEE NOE LIEF FORMS!
Don't you think that if the Princess we're after had put these stolen plans into the escape pod, we might shoot it now and save ourselves a lot of trouble?
SHUT UP AND DO WHAT I TELL YOU LLAMA

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-14-01
Darth Meebo, I should have known. Only you would be so bold.
Yeah, you're probably right. I'm stupid that way.
The Lab Senate will not stand for this. When they hear you've attacked a Napster server, they'll...
Don't play games with me, Princess. You were transferring plans for my new secret 'L33T STAR'.
Yeah, you're right. So why are you leading a bunch of newbies, anyway?
Hey, every evil overlord has to start somewhere...

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-14-01
I've got to stop and rest. My robotic pirate innards are almost frozen.
How can your innards be frozen? It's 150 degrees out!
Stop being so fucking literal, Zora.
That's what I'm here for.
To be an annoying, noisy bitch? Or to be the movie's token freak?
Yes.

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-14-01
Hello, sir.
You're a robot pirate, right?
Why, yes sir!
Nice. Do you speak l33t?
\/\/HY, 0F C0u|253, s1r!
You're hired. Get your ass in the house.

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-14-01
We've been through a lot with the Rebellion, Sir Atlas.
Just call me TAP. Here, let me pry at this little tab sticking out of your friend's nose.
BSSKZZZTTT Help me, Toren-Wan Cannabis, you're my only hope.
I must be malfunctioning. My sensors are indicating a meltdown in your brainstem. Are you alright, Master Atlas?
*drools*

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-14-01
You know, Uncle Rukh, I think those two droids might have been stolen?
What makes you say that?
They claim to be the property of a Toren-Wan Cannabis.
You stay away from that crazy fool, TAP.
Why?
Turn your back for one fucking second and he steals all your beer and your entire stash of marijuana, too...

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-14-01
AAARRRRRGGHHH ARRR ARR ARRRRR!!!! (Translation: Hi there, sir! Might I assist you in repairing that beat-up landspeeder? I assume the repulsorlift array is misaligned.)
AAAAAAHHHHH!!!! (Translation: I spit on the pottery jars of your ancestors, you vile stinker!)
AAARRRRR ARR ARRRRR!!!! (Translation: You jest, sir! My only wish is to be of assistance to you!.)
AAAAAAHHHHH!!!! (Translation: I need a toilet, my levers are becoming entangled!)
AHHH ARRR ARR ARRRRR!!!! (Translation: Sir! You are about to run head-first into a rock outcropping! Sir!)
*THUD* OW! (Translation: Fuck!)

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-14-01
Hey, kid. How the hell did you manage to run into a rock?
A Server Operator was chasing me and...that's the last thing I remember.
A Server Operator? They'll be back soon. They're attracted to less-powerful individuals. Why are you out here, anyway?
This little droid. It's looking for Toren-Wan Cannabis. Have you heard of him?
Heard of him? He's me!
Rukh WOULD pick this time to be right about someone...

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-14-01
Zora said she had a message for you.
Oh, good. The TOTALLY unfamiliar little Z2 unit (whom I have never seen before, not even in Episode 1)has a message for me.
General, years ago you served my father well in the Drug Wars. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Newbies. I have placed vital information into this little droid's casing.
Help me, Toren-Wan Cannabis. You're my only hope.
*drool* brainstem...melting...
I have a bad feeling about this...

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-14-01
The power of this technological shitheap you've constructed is insignificant compared to the power of the hax0r.
Don't try to frighten us with your haxx0r's ways, Lord Meebo. Your vaunted Hax0ring hasn't turned up the secret plans or the location of the secret Rebel *GACK*
*choke*
Meebo, release him!
Party pooper.
Fucker.

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-14-01
How long have you had these droids?
None of your business, fucker.
None of our business, fuckers.
That's right. Now screw off.
I don't understand! How did we get past those guards?
I planted the suggestion in his mind that the bathroom across the street was a doughnut shop. Damn cops.

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-14-01
You really think we'll find a good pilot here?
Kid, this town is one big bar. We'll find a pilot somewhere.
Just watch your step. This place can be a little rough.
I'm ready for anything.
Hey, baby!
TOREN!!! HELP!!!

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-14-01
Finn Solo, captain of the Terabyte Falcon. This is my sidekick, Cthulrukh.
*snarl*
Is it a fast ship?
Fast ship? The Falcon is the ship that made the Kessel pot run in less than twelve parsecs.
Wait a minute. Aren't parsecs a unit of distance, not time -- You're hired.
Yes.

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-14-01
Oota goota, Solo? (Going somewhere, Solo?)
Not until I finish my beer. Why do you ask?
Sambitalat, tooka. (I hate you.)
Is there a point to this conversation?
Onasoni, tochka malosi tankona, nackoska! (Mabus the Hutt wants you dead.)
I'm going to secretly pull out my gun and shoot you now, Josh. No hard feelings, eh?

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-14-01
He says it's the best he can offer. Since the XP-38 came out, these just aren't in demand!
I can't believe your only possession is a Super Soaker.
Well, if the Terabyte Falcon is as fast as he's saying, we ought to do well.
I still can't believe your only possession is a Super Soaker.

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-14-01
Solo! SOLO! Come out of there, Solo! SOLO!
I've been waiting for you, exo.
You have? Really?
No.
Fuck you. You owe me for that shipload of kiddie porn you deleted, Solo.
Look, exo, even I get hacked by the cops sometimes.

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-14-01
So the H4X0R surrounds us and binds us together?
Something like that, TAP. Let's start lightsaber drills.
Do you believe in the H4X0R, Finn?
I've been all over the galaxy in the Terabyte Falcon and I've never seen anything to make me believe in some all-powerful hax0r force. Ain't no hax0r force can break through my security.
You don't believe in the h4x0r force, do you? Well, I KNOW it's real! I can feel it when I use my hax0rsaber! VSSH! SHACK POW! ZAP!
TAP, I'm a smuggler. I smuggle drugs. If I find out you've been depleting my cargo...

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-14-01
Now be careful, Zora.
Fuck off, Mep3P0. I can play this game myself.
Out of habit, it's not wise to piss off a Cthulhu.
But nobody worries about upsetting a robot.
That's 'cause droids don't consume peoples' immortal souls when they lose. Cthulhu have been known to do that.
*gulp*

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-14-01
Kid, why do you keep this up? You just keep getting shot in the ass by the laser remote.
But I must become a hax0r!
I suggest you try it again, TAP. This time, close the opaque blast shield on your helmet and let the hax0rforce FLOW through you!
Good idea! My eyes might be deceiving me!
OW!!!!!!!
You're such an asshole, Tor.
Hey, gotta get your laughs somewhere on a long trip.

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-15-01
*** Connecting to 2516.1225.156.16 (6667)
We're connected to the Aldera.net server.
Aww, this means I can't torment TAP any more.
Local host: terabytefalcon.sys.corellianfreighters..net (2261.5512.1701.74656))
Okay, here we go. Dropping out of connect any minute now.
...
*** Unable to connect (No Route to Host)
Fuck! The IP is correct, except...no Aldera.net!
Hacked...by the Empire!

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-15-01
It's a good thing you had these smuggling compartments.
I use them for smuggling dope. I never thought I'd be smuggling myself in them...DON'T say it.
Dope? You smuggle crack cocaine in these things?
Usually.
That explains why TAP is running around talking about lizards, then.
TAP, get your face out of that brick of coke, dammit! I have to pay for that!

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-15-01
BK666, why aren't you at your post? BK666, acknowledge!
Here, let me go open the door so the people who killed BK666 can get in, Captain Spiros. Be right back.
What makes you think BK666 is dead, Lieutenant George?
He's a stormtrooper and he's MIA. What else could he be?
Point taken. It's a good thing we carry around these rifles all the time.
Yeah, nothing can get past us!

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-15-01
I hope whatever killed BK666 isn't big and scary.
Just lemme open this door here and...
GRRAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRHHHH!!!!!
Oh mama! AAAHHHHH!
Dammit, Rukh, I can't take you anywhere...

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-15-01
You know, between his roaring and your shooting everything, it's a surprise the entire station doesn't know we're here.
Hey, I didn't see you fighting off any newbies on the way in.
We found an open port into their computer, sir.
Good. Tap in. Z0R4 should be able to download the entire Newbie Empire network from here.
Logging in...welcome to the Microsoft Network....YOUR UGLY
Dammit, I don't have any ugly! Just fucking open the files!

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-15-01
I don't think you three can help. I'll go in alone.
Works for me. I don't get paid enough for this.
I want to go with you!
Be patient, TAP. Stay here and keep an eye on Z0R4. She has the plans that can save the Rebellion against the Newbies.
All right. I suppose I can stay with them.
God, I love this heroic bullshit!

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-15-01
Where did you dig up that old crackhead? He used up all the marijuana in the smuggling compartments and made a dent in the crack cocaine supply before I managed to get him out of there!
Hey, that is a great man.
Great at getting us into shitty situations.
I didn't hear you making any suggestions!
That's because you had your head crammed into a brick of crack cocaine.
I did? I don't really remember anything up until about five minutes ago.

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-15-01
YOUR UGLY WELCOME TO MICROSOFT NETWORK IVE FOUND HR SHES HEAR!!!!!!!!!!!! YOUR UGLY
I don't have any ugly. What is it, Z0R4?
She says 'I've found Princess Flux' and keeps repeating 'She's here'!
The Princess? She's here?
Who's the Princess? What's he talking about? And why do I get the nasty feeling that I'm going to be marching into an Imperial detention block in about ten minutes with blasters blazing?
No idea.

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-15-01
Look, TAP, I'm not going into a Imperial detention block to rescue some princess!
But they're gonna kill her!
Your point?
She's cute...

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-15-01
I have to go to the bathroom.
Dammit, why didn't you say so BEFORE you put the armor suit on?
Where are you taking this thing?
Prisoner transfer from block 'Fuck You'.
I wasn't notified. I'll have to clear i...Hey, wait, there is no cell block 'Fuck You'!
Give the man a cigar! I'm gonna kill you now, mmkay?

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-15-01
Aren't you a little tall for a newbie?
What? Oh, the uniform. I'm TAP Skywalker, I'm here to rescue you!
Rescue me?
I'm here...with...*drool*
What happened?
He always does that when he sees girls. Hit him and he'll snap out of it.

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-15-01
When I left you, I was but the learned. Now I am the master.
Only a master of evil, Darth.
Well, obviously. I've gone out of my way to look evil.
Like you needed to. What's next, a black facemask and a huge black plastic suit calcualated to terrorize millions of small children?
Snazzy idea. Maybe next movie I'll wear that.
The way this is going we're gonna need a reshoot anyway...

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-15-01
They're coming through!
Hey, I know! I'll shoot the door control and they won't be able to open it! Quick, let's jump across the bridge on this rope that I conveniently have on my belt!
*kiss* For luck.
I forget things like this at the most inappropriate times...
*drool, gibber*

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-15-01
All right, kid, we're not out of this yet. We have three newbie T13 fighters on our tail, we're gonna have to peel them off.
I shall avenge you, Toren-Wan!
Here they come, kid! Kid? You there? Stay sharp.
I'm ready.
Kid? I missed one, get it! Kid? KID!
Okay, I put my money in, now what cool gamer name should I pick?

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-15-01
...Well, son, the empire's Script Kiddie Whacker division doesn't consider an archaic WinNuke to be any threat, or they'd have a tighter defense.
I see.
You'll fly your starfighters straight down this trench, and fire your winnuke straight down this exposed port, labeled '25012' on here. You'll have a two-meter margin of error.
Hitting a target that small is impossible, even for a computer!
It's not impossible. I used to hack corporation websites' security on my P1116 back home, they're not much bigger than two meters!
Then man your winnukes, and may the Hax0r be with you.

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-16-01
Are you TAP Skywalker? Have you been checked out in the H4xc0m L-33T?
Sir, TAP is the best security exploiter in the Outer Net.
Well, if he's half as good as his father, he'll do better than all right.
Thank you, sir. I'll do my best.
Sir, are you sure it's wise to lie to the Commander like that? TAP's never been NEAR a H4xC0m L-33T.
Yes, but he's going up with one squadron or another anyway, and Red Squad is the only squadron without any female pilots.

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-16-01
**Turret's picking our guys apart!**
I'm on it, Red Leader!
*HOLOCOM TRANSMISSION INCOMING* This is Gold Two. I've got your back, Red Five.
*drool, gibber*
Gold Two, break off! Fast!

 

by BlackhawkTC
5-16-01
We count 42 incoming ships, Lord Meebo!
Forty-two, Lieutenant?
Yes, and they're so small that they're slipping past our security!
We'll have to go out and destroy them hacker-to-hacker. Go get your ass in a fighter.
But sir! I'm just a standard peon! I'm not checked out on a T13! I could get killed!
Exactly. Go get your ass in a fighter.

 

by BlackhawkTC
8-21-01
LAB WARS: EPISODE 1: TEH GHOST MENACE
Fag0try has engulfed the Server Republic. The crashing of routers to outlying servers is in dispute.
Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly Hackercruisers, the Microsoft Federation has stopped all connections to the totally unimportant server of Naboo.net.

 

by BlackhawkTC
8-21-01
While the congress of the Server Republic endlessly debates this alarming turn of events, the Supr3m3 h4x0r has dispatched a team of two L33T Knights to investigate...
Captain.
Y35, 51r?
L33t m4st3r To-Ren J1nn
Tell them we wish to board, like, NOW.
Y35, 51r.

 

by BlackhawkTC
8-21-01
7h3 4mb4554d0r5 f0r 7h3 5upr3m3 h4x0r w15h t0 b04rd n0w.
Fuck. Er, I mean, OK. You don't mind if we blow your ship up, do you?
HALLO I M N00B-15 PLZ FOLLOWS ME
Whatever.
I have a fucking bad feeling about this, man.
Shut up. I don't want to hear about it. These Microsoft fucktards are cowards. The negotiations will be fucking short and then we can go back to the L33T Council and get a beer.

 

by BlackhawkTC
8-21-01
d00d wh3r3 did j00 h1d3 t3h pr0n?
Und3r t3h s34t. H3y, 15 1t b4d 1f t3h l453r turr3t5 a1m 4t u5?
FUX0R!
FUX0R!
I feel a great disturbance in the l33t. Like two hax0rs cried out and were suddenly silenced.
Well, shit, this means they blew our ship up. Guess we'll just have to go kick some ansu.

 

by BlackhawkTC
8-21-01
...And then..hee hee... He wades into the fight with his phaser out screaming 'YOU'RE ALL UNDER ARREST'!
You've got to be kidding me.
And then one of the Bolian Starfleet crew got ahold of his phaser.
And then?
Ashes.
WOOT!

 

by BlackhawkTC
8-21-01
What Ryn told Valis happened
OMG STOPS OR I SHOTS YUO
What K'urso told Valis happened
STOP IT FUCKERS! IM GONNA SHOTS YUO NOW! FAGIOTS!!!!
The eventual result in any event:
WOOT!

 

by BlackhawkTC
8-21-01
K'urso's report.
So what exactly happened?
He pulled his phaser on a crowd of Starfleet officers and Klingons.
Starlighter's report.
So what exactly happened?
TEHY WERE FIGHTS NAD I TRIED TO BRAKE SI UP!!!!
Who Valis believes:
LETS ME OUT PLZZZZZ!!!!!!
GAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

by BlackhawkTC
8-21-01
Ryn loves his new assignment
FUCK WHY DID VALSI MAKE ME CLEAN TEH HULL OFF FORM TEH ATTACK. IM SECURITY NOT FAGOT WORKER
Let's see...emergency airlock evacuation...emergency environmental suit hull mag-lock override. Here we go.
OMG IT BURNS

 

by BlackhawkTC
8-22-01
Marijuana is good for you
Whoa.
Whoa.
WARNING: SHEIL SECURITY SYSTEM ACTIVATED. PHASER TURRET ONLINE.
Whoa.
DRUGS ARE OUTLAWED ON TEH STATION OKEY I KILL YUO NOW!!!@111
Dude, let's smoke his ashes.
Whoa.

 

by BlackhawkTC
8-22-01
You vaporized my security chief, Mr. Sh'don.
Yep.
What do you have to say for yourself?
He sucked anyway.
Yeah, you have a point. Carry on.
Whatever.

Showing page 2.

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