All comics by Cobb

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by Cobb
2-11-03
i've made great sacrifices for my country.
you've killed people?
yes, i have killed people.
i can see we're going to get along famously.
you don't hate me for that?
consider me your new best friend.

 

by Cobb
2-11-03
i've confessed to killing people and yet you accept me.
i've lived in captivity all my life. i have no love for human beings. they are heartless and calculatingly cruel.
so?
so you fulfill my fantasies and prove my theories all at once.
i'm still not going to let you out.
i expected no less.

 

by Cobb
2-12-03
you don't look so hot.
i'm getting really frustrated by all these terror alerts. how is anybody supposed to keep up with them?
ignore them. they aren't reality. it's just a classic fake-out.
yeah but i'm really scared.
the real threat to our freedom is in the white house.
excuse me but everybody doesn't have arrest warrants.

 

by Cobb
2-12-03
you just waste your freedom on drugs and weirdo stuff.
it's my freedom. my life to do with as i choose.
it's no wonder you worry about it so much.
yeah, uptight people like you can't handle my freedom.
why don't you go get a mortgage or something?
property is theft.

 

by Cobb
2-12-03
you don't impress me with your trite marxist cliches.
i'm not trying to impress you, i'm just trying to be me.
puhlease. you only just bought that ridiculous headband and dashiki 2 months ago.
uh.. well, i've had the john lennon glasses since the 7th grade.
which reminds me. have you learned to play 'imagine' yet?
don't scoff. c major 7 is not a trivial chord.

 

by Cobb
2-12-03
i don't see how you can expect anyone to take you seriously if you can't play the guitar.
i try. it's not so easy as it looks.
you mean smoking weed doesn't help you.
my fingers get all clumsy. so i just strum the open strings.
have you ever considered the kazoo?
uh.. we converted it into a bong.

 

by Cobb
2-12-03
i don't get you. you have no skills, no sense of responsibility. you're oblivious to the world.
yes. i am totally free. only in america could i exist. that's why i love this country.
gotcha!
so.. you..
like you don't live with your parents..

 

by Cobb
2-20-03
so what are you doing this weekend?
you've got a lot of nerve asking.
i'm free.
well, i'm not.
see what i mean?
jerk!

 

by Cobb
2-20-03
you've been to iraq? what's it like?
it's a target-rich environment.
do you really see dogfights every day in the no-fly zone?
like top gun on steroids.
i don't know about you, but i'm getting really impatient. are we going to invade or what?
your patience will be rewarded.

 

by Cobb
2-20-03
i hear your father has been wrongfully imprisoned.
yeah..
and they're trying to blackmail you (heh, no pun intended) into supporting the war.
here it comes..
i've been feeling oppressed too, these days.
if he calls me 'bro', i'm going to scream!

 

by Cobb
2-26-03
psst!
"Operation Klammath"
huh?
you didn't hear it from me!
operation klammath?

 

by Cobb
3-02-03
i've been thinking..
so you want us to move on your father's release?
no.
can you stand being on the wrong side of all this?
i've been on the wrong side before.
i'm going to resist the temptation to say something snarky.

 

by Cobb
3-02-03
you know, i'm really disappointed that you rejected our offer.
yeah well, i don't know enough about your operation to trust it.
what do you mean? we're all just patriots doing our share.
ok. who is the boss of your organization?
you can call him 'al'.
well, that makes all the difference.

 

by Cobb
3-02-03
look, i'd tell you the leader but..
..then you'd have to kill me, i heard that one before.
it's not that. it's just that certain elements..
..would figure out he's a wackjob and would bail out of the group.
you can be really annoying, you know.
let me guess. sciafe, right?

 

by Cobb
3-02-03
we offered a deal to get your dad out..
and i turned you down in spite of your clout.
all that we wanted was your war support..
and all i could do was be snarky and short.
this just goes to show..
that the devil you know, is often a ho. leave me alone i don't want you no mo'.

 

by Cobb
3-02-03
so you blew him off. good for you!
i don't know what came over me. it just flowed out of my mouth spontaneously.
you really showed some backbone there!
well, to tell you the truth, i had been listening to a busta rhymes rap cd this morning, and..
you dissed him with a rhyme!? wow!
i never knew i could get that jiggy with it.

 

by Cobb
3-02-03
ha! ha!, have you seen? we've got a new 21,000 pound bunker buster bomb. saddam is toast!
ha! ha!, have you read? the sr. us diplomat resigned in disgust!
oh, you mean the big fat greek wussie?
whadya mean?
oh you didn't know the rest of the story? an old republican lady kicked his ass.
i'll get the windex.

 

by Cobb
3-02-03
are you going to eat that?
no, i am frozen in a moment of profound and perfect contemplation at the thought of eating it.
i bet you believe in sanctions.

 

by Cobb
3-04-03
you up for an abduction this weekend?
no. can't you ever be serious?
c'mon. lighten up. you know it's carnivale in rio.
yes, but lula de silva has to reform the tax and pension systems or else his presidency is in real trouble.
ok so we can put a chip in his anus.
hmm. good idea. did you get that one back from vaclav havel?

 

by Cobb
3-09-03
americans talk big about freedom.
but you know better.
the same ones who want war don't want immigrants like me. those who say they care about me won't crush saddam's regime.
the irony is too cruel.
i think i'll go shopping, it makes me feel better.
even i can't be that cynical.

 

by Cobb
3-09-03
american contradictions about iraq are so mindblowing. the only thing that gives me comfort is shopping.
so you can afford gasoline and shopping?
you are just now beginning to pay what the rest of the world pays.
wait a minute. you drive a big suv, too.
and your point is?
i really don't know which side you're on any more.

 

by Cobb
3-09-03
i drive an suv, so what?
suvs drive our need for foreign oil. and because we need so much oil, we make war in the middle east and that spawns terrorists. therefore..
i drive my big suv to protect me from the elements.
what elements? you live in the same suburb as i do.
the criminal elements that throw bricks at arabs and muslims.
motorcycles outrun bricks.

 

by Cobb
3-09-03
you don't understand. driving my big suv and filling it with goods from walmart makes me feel american.
so you really don't do it to support terrorists?
how can you believe that? i came to america to escape a life of oppression.
yeah well you're so smug about it.
as you said, we live in the same suburb.
yeah but you still shop at like, walmart.

 

by Cobb
3-09-03
my brother, my brother!
uh oh.
i am being discriminated against because i shop at walmart. you must show me how to be cool.
hold on. last month i was 'you people', now i'm your brother?
we are brown. we are alike. the blonde woman. she ridicules me. surely you must know how i feel.
well, actually no. i never wear yellow pants.

 

by Cobb
3-10-03
people are too uptight.
everybody's corrupt.
nobody trusts me.
people are stupid.
i can't get ahead.
halo 2 is delayed.

 

by Cobb
3-10-03
i'm a phony.
i want to world domination.
the human anus is fascinating.
i feel your pain.
the answers are out there.
non-sequitur.

 

by Cobb
3-10-03
work stinks.
you name it, i did it.
people ought to be kinder to each other.
everybody deserves a second chance.
a man's felicity consists not in the outward and visible favours and blessings of fortune, but in the inward and unseen perfections and riches of the mind
i'm really going to enjoy goring this asshole.

 

by Cobb
3-11-03
i haven't seen you around here.
i've been out of work. nobody cares about clowns any more.
no?
i gotta compete with extreme sports, video games, npr, fox news, the discovery channel. when's the last time you went to the circus?
so what are you going to do?
i'm thinking about making a porno flick.

 

by Cobb
3-11-03
clown porno? that's disgusting and scary.
makes ya think don't it?
hmm.
just roll it over in your mind.
hmm.
the possibilities are endless.

 

by Cobb
3-11-03
hey! you look good today!
thanks. wow it's been so long since somebody said something nice.
my job is to keep people happy!
that's admirable.
tell me something. can you do the splits?
er.. uhm yeah, i guess.

 

by Cobb
3-11-03
yeah! haven't you always wanted to run away and join the circus?
i have to admit, it sounds like fun.
well, fantasy circus is coming to town!
cool! i really love the little dogs with umbrellas.
hmm. i hadn't considered that angle..
and the baldheaded strongman, you've got to have one of those!

 

by Cobb
3-11-03
we do have a baldheaded strongman, and a bearded lady.
haha! a whole freak show!
you betcha!
what about monkeys?
oh er.. actually, we had a nasty little incident with the fire eater..
c'mon, you gotta have monkeys.

 

by Cobb
3-13-03
..it will only take a couple of minutes..
i suppose, why not? i like surveys.
first question. do you consider yourself a red-blooded american patriot who is 100% behind your president,
.uh..
or should i call the cops?
well, i do read andrewsullivan.com

 

by Cobb
3-13-03
second question, are you now or have you ever been..
hold on a minute. you have something in your teeth..
oh.. do i?
yeah, right there. it just really destroys your delivery.
ok. how's that? better? now. where was i?
coming on really butch, i think.

 

by Cobb
3-13-03
what? you think i'm coming on to you?
you didn't honestly believe i'd listen to your ridiculous questions if you weren't handsome..
what are you a homo or something?
let's just say i'm drawn to your dynamism.
so you do think i was convincing?
hey, i thought you were a fascist, straight from hell.

 

by Cobb
3-13-03
so you think i could be credible with the gay demographic?
you convinced me.
i'm not sure if i should take that as a professional compliment.
oh, it's personal.
you know, you really are a big flirt. aren't you worried i might bash you?
now who's getting personal?

 

by Cobb
3-14-03
so where did you meet him?
just walking down the street. heh. out of the blue.
so tell me more..
well, he isn't really very fashionable.
so what do you like about him most?
he has a really great sense of humor.

 

by Cobb
3-14-03
what kind of work does he do?
he's an entertainer. but he's starting an exciting new venture.
sounds like multi level marketing.
ok. i'll tell you the truth. he's a clown, and he's starting his own circus.
don't look at me like that. don't you like little doggies with umbrellas?

 

by Cobb
3-14-03
look. i'm a lot more practical than you.
he's a clown.
i've had better luck with guys than you.
but he's a clown.
i don't even know why i bother telling you anything.
c. l. o. w. n.

 

by Cobb
3-14-03
you can't believe me? i can't believe you!
well you were proposing sex!
yeah, so you were proposing violence!
hey look. i'm sorry. but these things need to be mutual. your desire is all one-sided. that'll never work.
i don't suppose you see the irony in that.
the irony in what?

 

by Cobb
3-14-03
i don't care what you say. i'm gonna love him anyway.
mark my words, you'll rue the day.
you're just mad cause your man turned gay.
at least he had a job with pay.
but he left your ass with no delay.
iss-kay my ass, itch-bay!

 

by Cobb
3-14-03
i can't even believe i went there. i was acting like a 13 year old kid.
i feel you.
maybe i am really jealous. i don't understand why i should feel this way. it's so unlike me.
yo, don't be so hard on yourself.
what am i going to do?
norah jones, southern comfort, ice cream, old movies, candlelight bath.

 

by Cobb
3-15-03
i'm going back to the gulf. this time i'm on capture and assassination.
lucky you!
too bad i can't stop in turkey. i was hoping to pickup on the latest interrogation techniques.
you'll have to improvise.
still, this is going to look great on my resume.
you're recession-proof!

 

by Cobb
3-15-03
who do you work for anyway?
well, i've got a cia handler, but since i do wet work, the cia denies i exist.
so you're cia.
but i have no official connection to the cia, my handler might really be mercenary. i can't know.
so how do you know you work for america?
i've got a finely developed sensibility for american values.

 

by Cobb
3-15-03
can i ask you a dumb question?
every question is a dumb question.
what kind of gear do you use?
except that one.
well?
do you want the whole list, or just the top 50?

 

by Cobb
3-15-03
i don't know, how about handguns?
well, i keep 5 and i rotate use of others depending on the mission.
so what did you use when you were a 'weapons inspector'?
oh. i hated that job. i had to use an ordinary glock. the kind any civilian can buy.
kinda takes the fun out of being a spy, hun?
this time, it's gonna be different.

 

by Cobb
3-16-03
i didn't see you at the protest this weekend.
hey man it was raining.
you didn't miss anything. i didn't convert anybody to my side.
yeah it's getting kind of boring. when's this war gonna start anyway?
dunno. hey, wanna play some video games? i got halo at the crib.
you play halo? hell yeah!

 

by Cobb
3-16-03
i can't believe that hippie guy is juice55!
huh? what are you talking about?
you know that guy with the john lennon glasses? he's a world class gamer. he's got about a zillion kills.
wait. this is the same juice55 who posts at the peace action network?
it can't be.
it couldn't be.

 

by Cobb
3-16-03
..so he offers me 50 bucks to do it right there.
in front of a camera, with a blonde human female?
yup. only the female doesn't know.
get outta here!
you should have seen the look on her face when i..
ack! i don't want to know. with a human? man you're sick!

 

by Cobb
3-16-03
hey. i really didn't go through with it. besides she was so freaked out i barely got out of there alive.
yeah but you were going to. it's just as twisted.
you've got some nerve to lecture me about sex, rabbit.
sex is one thing. sex with humans is something entirely different.
well, my cousin bubbles made out big time, didn't he?
yeah but michael jackson isn't really human.

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