All comics by Cre8tive13

 

What you want? Anal, vaginal or oral? What hole you stick it in? Shit, clit or spit? Talk to me white boy? Pooper, pink hooper or soup cooler?What can I do you for? Crapper, snapper or yapper? What?
Yeah.....not really interested in that sort of thang.....Tell you what, I have this little yellow ticket with these 7 numbers on it, so can I just get my dry cleaning back please? Thaaaaaaanks.
by Cre8tive13, 11-27-06

 

by Cre8tive13
12-01-06
Happy B-day great grandma. Did you make a wish?
Oh, Billy...You've always been such a good boy. My only wish is that I won't have to rely on you too much, especially now, since grandpa just died....sniff....
Awww, grandma, don't be silly...I'm happy to help in any way I can!
Great! I just shit, so my diapers need changing and I'll need some of cream applied to my hemorrhoids ....they itch like a son of a bitch
I'd rather be rotting in the grave like grandpa! See ya!

 

by Cre8tive13
12-07-06
Hi..................... a........... burger..........
....and......small.....fries..... and.....a.........large......Coke.
Dude.....What is with the long pause?
Oh, that? My dad was a Doberman, so I was born with them this long. Sometimes they get in the way when I try to run fast!

 

by Cre8tive13
12-09-06
Oh boy! Oh boy! This is too exciting! I can hardly wait! My first experience! Well, except for being patted down by the kids that built me!
My snowballs are aching, man....
Where is the damn snowblower anyway?

 

by Cre8tive13
12-11-06
BASTARD? Hey...I HEARD that!! You really just called ME a bastard? Well, fuck you both, you bottom feeders!
I'm sure those fucking crabs called me a bastard!!
Huh.
Meanwhile.....
Hmmm...Looking at it closer, maybe this isn't a bass turd. It could be halibut, pickeral or even a catfish turd!
Well, whoever's turd it is...it fucking stinks! What was that red fish going on about anyway?

 

by Cre8tive13
12-12-06
Hey...I'm Jimmy Adams. Nice to meet you!
Oh hi there! I'm Chris Lipshitz
Ha! Ha! Ha!
...uh...yeah, I know...funny name....right?
Yep! "Chris" is a guys name!
No wonder I stay single....

 

by Cre8tive13
12-29-06
So, you found a hairy nipple in your soup? What's the problem, sir?
It's fucking disgusting, that's what!!
HOMOPHOBE! HOMOPHOBE!

 

Your momma's cunt is so big, she uses a rolled-up sleeping bag with a belt as a tampon to stop her period!
Oh Mom! That is Gross!...But, it does explains that mystery smell when I was camping last weekend.
by Cre8tive13, 1-11-07

 

by Cre8tive13
1-24-07
If a handicapped person fell in the forest, would he make a sound..?
Well...Probably not if he was a quadriplegic with a speech synthesizer, no...

 

by Cre8tive13
1-26-07
Oh no! It's The Grim Raper! I'm a goner!!
No, no...it's the Grim Rea....p... hmmm.....
OooOooOOO! Yes, be afraid...it is I... The Grim RAPER! Now pull your pants down and touch your toes, bitch!

 

by Cre8tive13
1-29-07
How was your weekend?
Good and bad. The best part is I got a vasectomy, so no more condoms!
What's the worst part?
My only child, Bob, drowned at a waterpark this weekend.

 

by Cre8tive13
1-29-07
WooOOOoooOOoo! Be afraid! It is I, the Grim Raper! Hellooooooooo!?Anybody home...?
M'mmm...Did you say Raper? You're gonna rape me?!! Meeeoow!
Ick! No, no.... I said "REAPER"......You must have heard me wrong...ugh.
It's not RAPE if I'm willing you know!

 

For fuck sakes Jean...You know I'm a bee and I like flowers. Now turn around and let me nuzzle up to your two-lips!
by Cre8tive13, 1-31-07

 

by Cre8tive13
1-31-07
Moooooooooo! Moooooooooo!
Moooooooooo! Moooooooooo!
Deja Moo!

 

by Cre8tive13
2-04-07
So Kelly, will you go out with me?
HELL NO, Tom!! You are a sexist, egotistical, pompous, foul mouthed jackass..You are uneducated, pathetic and frankly, you disgust me!
Shhhhhhh......
You had me at "Hell No!"

 

by Cre8tive13
2-10-07
So my date with Pam started out okay...that is, until we started getting a little hot n heavy.
What happened?
I went down on her and...well...she smelled...! I mean, she really stunk!!
NO!? She stunk? Lke what?
A woman's cunt
I'm gonna puke!

 

by Cre8tive13
2-12-07
Hi, can you help me? I'm in a very desperate need for a particular Self-Help book
Yes, sir what is it called?
It's called, "How to Stop Beating the Shit Out of People who say NO to you." Ever heard of it, son?
Ummm...errr...Is this...b-book for you, sir?
Yes it is. Are you familiar with it?
...fuck.

 

Homosexuality is fucking gay!
by Cre8tive13, 2-19-07

 

Identifying a body somewhere in Georgia
Yes...that's Bubba alright. I mean without seeing his eyes, I'd recognize him anywhere...and he was wearing that exact outfit last time I saw him.
by Cre8tive13, 5-17-07

 

by Cre8tive13
5-18-07
...Well, what's so hard to understand, Pam?
You like being a hooker because of all the time 'off'....?
Yes! And, of course all of the time "on" as well, if you know what I mean!
Unfortunately Sara, I do understand that part...
Put it to you this way....What other job can you have where EVERY month you get to have 5-7 days off?
Ugh....bloody hell. Gotcha.

 

by Cre8tive13
5-18-07
So it's the second day of my period and usually that means time off for me..
But I got a call from my pimp for some special service. Not sure what to expect but he's here now..
You're shoooore you're on the heavy flow, yes? Cuz I vant to suck your blo....
I KNOW!...I KNOW!.....you sure you don't have a foot fetish or something...?

 

As usual, Biff Anderson, office clerk, took "Casual Fridays" a bit too far.
Nice nips though
by Cre8tive13, 5-25-07

 

by Cre8tive13
6-12-07
Hey bat...I have a complaint. You were hired to keep these damn mosquitoes away from me and you're doing a piss-poor job of it!
Ha! I eat up to 300 of em an hour. So go fuck yourself if you want more, ya Batstard!
*True fact
Bats should be eating up to 600 mosquitoes an hour* so you better start pulling your weight....or...else...
Ahhh...screw off, ya hoof-hearted idiot. Who'd listen to you, anyway?
Fine. First thing in the morning, I'm calling the BBB!
Nooooo! Not the "Batter Business Bureau!"" &^%$$

 

by Cre8tive13
6-14-07
*Unfortunately this is a true story.
Are you okay? I didn't mean to turn in front of you like that, but I couldn't see around the other car
You clazy drivah.
Again, I'm sorry and glad you're not hurt.
You fucking clazy!
Dude. I've been in the towing business for 25 years and that's the first time it wasn't the Asian womans fault!
Geeez, thanks a lot, fuck head.

 

by Cre8tive13
6-21-07
Hey Bill. Do you know of any stores that sell incense? I can't find this particular scent anywhere!
No idea. Who burns incense anymore anyway?
Well my mom has been riding my ass about some decisions I've made in my life
What's that got to do with anything?
She keeps telling me to use something called "Calm" incense? I've never heard of such a thing.
Why doesn't that surprise me?

 

by Cre8tive13
6-28-07
So, I fucked that hot red head Roxanna last night
Cool!....You lucky bastard. Does the carpet match the drapes?
There's no carpet my friend. It's all Hardwood.
M'm...speaking of wood...

 

by Cre8tive13
7-21-07
The next step in becoming a priest is the toughest one yet. It's where we separate the men from the boys...
Pssst...Of course I'm only being figurative, not literal...
Thanks God. I've already got my eye on a cute altar boy!

 

by Cre8tive13
8-01-07
So Bill....you ever...um....been with a hooker?
Noooo, Jim! Ha! Why pay for milk when you can have the cow for free?
You mean, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
OH yeah! Heh-heh..!! That's exactly what I meant!
Later at home
Hi honey! Sorry I'm a bit late! How was your day?
It was okay! I MOOOOOOved some furniture around in the bedroom. I hope you'll like it!

 

by Cre8tive13
8-21-07
Hey Jim...Would you want to be told of something if it was a 'bit' embarrassing for you?
You mean like if I had a booger hanging out of my nose or my fly was down?
EXACTLY! That's precisely what I mean? So would you?
Oh yeah, for sure I would!
GREAT! GREAT! Your wife has been cheating on you with your best friend, Bill! See ya!
gack!

 

by Cre8tive13
8-23-07
I joined one of those new fangled weight loss programs last month
Yeah? And how is that going?
...oh....not bad, I guess
Well, what have you lost
About $1500 and 30 days of my life.
Wow.

 

by Cre8tive13
11-08-07
cough, cough
cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough
cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough
cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, , cough, cough, cough, coughcough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough
cough, cough....
gasp

 

by Cre8tive13
11-19-07
It's a well known fact!! Guys who drive BIG vehicles are making up for their SMALL cock size!
Interesting...so does the theory work the other way? Small car equals big dick?
Why, what do you drive?
Well, (sniff, sniff) I just happen to drive one of those Smart Cars! And you know how small they are, doncha? Heh-Heh!
HAHAHAHA...NO, that's just fucking GAY!

 

by Cre8tive13
11-22-07
There's a real nip in the air today!
What are you talking about? God you're stupid. I'm outta here!
There's a cracker on the ground over there.
What are you talking about? God you're stupid. I'm outta here!

 

by Cre8tive13
12-03-07
So Jeremy Evans....do you have a middle name?
Yep, as a matter of fact, I was named after my grandad.
OH yeah, so what's that?
What's what? Geez Mrs. Smith, I just told you that I was named after my grandad
Just tell me your full name!!
Jeremy Grandad Evans! Gawd!!

 

by Cre8tive13
12-04-07
My son Joey is really growing up fast
Is Joey the child that you adopted?
Yep. He is so smart. He used the term "enigma" to describe me!
He's a white child.....right?
Yes, so?
I think what you heard as 'Enigma' was actually 3 different words.....

 

by Cre8tive13
12-23-07
HEY... you and I have a score to settle!!!
Oh yeah, darn right we do!
2 mins. later....
So in the final scene, I figure if the main character, Ben sings "La, La, La, Fa-la-laaaaaa' from forte to pianissimo, that would work.
In the key of D minor, right?
Of course.
I think that would sound wonderful! Good job!

 

by Cre8tive13
1-22-08
10:02:56 am
Huzzah! You win!
10:02:08 am
I bought a coffee at Dunkin Donuts this morning, signed my kid up to play baseball and I will go home tonight to drink an ice cold Coors Light!
Oh yeah, well go fuck yourself you suicide bombing towel head. You have no right to be here!! Get on your camel and go back to your own dusty shit-hole country!
10:01:46 am
I bet you I am more of an American than you are...
You are on. Loser blows himself up!

 

by Cre8tive13
1-30-08
I'm here for the...umm..(coff) , pre-m-m-ature ejaculation support group
Oh, but that meeting starts at 8.
And it's only 6:30 now?? That's kinda ironic..eh? Ha, ha...
Yeah, it's a riot.....
I've also got this craving to either smoke a cigarette or have a nap.
Please tell me you spilled pudding on your pants earlier...

 

by Cre8tive13
1-31-08
....This next comic has just finished his first movie. .....Right after the show he's going to Blockbuster to rent another one."
...was that a racist commentary of sorts?
hahah. Wait. I don't get the joke.
What say I pull down my fly and you do your own 'open mike'?
I'd rather be fingered by the dead corpse of Sam Kinisen.

 

by Cre8tive13
2-09-08
Ya ever lay back and look down at the earth below?
Oh yeah, dude, all the time!
Hey check out that person down there...if you squint your eyes, it kinda looks like a dog!
That is a dog, dumbass!!
Huh...so it is! I gotta take a leak
Hey, for a laugh, you should do it on that group of people over there. It looks like they are setting up for a picnic! Ha!

 

by Cre8tive13
2-11-08
Let me guess...You are a cumulus cloud, right?
That's right... you're very bright!
Thanks......
I guess that explains why my father calls me 'Sun'

 

by Cre8tive13
2-12-08
I Spy with my little eye....something that is.....white!
Is it a piece of paper?
Ummmm...Yep.

 

by Cre8tive13
2-16-08
Yo, cum stain!
Hey, what's going on, bed bug?
I saw you land last night. It was a quick flight, but you really stuck the landing!
I shot out of him way too soon!
Here comes the maid to change the sheets. Circle of life, I guess!
Damn it, already?......I could have been a sombody!!! Good-bye cruel world!

 

by Cre8tive13
3-01-08
You've got great eyes...I love your eyes....
Thanks......
And your hair. Wow. I'd love to have that hair!
You can't have my eyes or hair, but....... your future kids could!
I love you.

 

by Cre8tive13
3-28-08
Wanna hear something gross? Apparently Jen spreads peanut butter on her cunt and lets her dog lick it off!
Are you kidding me? That is fucking vile! Why?
She said it's the best orgasm she has ever had! She said, and I quote, ' It hurts so good!"
That is fucking sick. I really feel sorry for that dog!
And I would call that "Win-Win"

 

by Cre8tive13
10-03-08
Are you that writer 'Andy Capp', who wrote that book making fun of disabilities?
I'm laughing with you people...not at you.
I'm an amputee and don't find your humor acceptable!
You don't get my humor? Sorry to hear that. ....Soo, thumbs up for war amps, then!!!
Your...uh... thumbs aren't even up!?
Hahah...That's the joke!! Get it? Mwahahaha!

 

by Cre8tive13
10-08-08
Now that Sarah Palin is running, this erection is huge!
I mean this erection just got so much bigger with her in the picture
I'd go as far as to say this erection is now a whitewash and that...
Oh, you're asian. I overheard you talking and was offended at first...now it makes sense. You're right, this upoming election is big!
...what election?

 

Missed Connection
Satan4W: You wore a white blouse at coffee shop on Tues. Overheard you say you were attracted to "bad boys". LMFAO! Email me back and let's make this happen! Photo available upon request! TTYL
by Cre8tive13, 1-30-09

 

by Cre8tive13
7-28-09
I brought you here, Son, to learn a lesson on how to treat a woman.
How is a morgue going to teach me on how to treat a woman?
We are going to practice proper cunt licking techniques on that female corpse over there.
What's in the glass?
Tequila. I always enjoy a chaser after I suck back a cold one.

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