All comics by Finley

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by Finley
8-13-04
You are experiencing zee STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!!!! My friend.
I identify with you, a former astronaut.
Is bittersweet, our bond.
I now appreciate what you went through as a naked cosmonaut.
THERE GOES MY MIND!!!
Words are no longer necessary.

 

by Finley
8-14-04
So you would get paid to do that to the president. What do you think?
Hmmmm....
We will not pay you, but you will be paid by us.
What about babes?
ABORT MISSION!!!
Confounded squirrel!

 

by Finley
8-14-04
DEATH!!! DEATH!!! DEATH!!! DEATH!!!
LOVE??? LOVE??? LOVE??? LOVE???
OATMEAL COOKIES!!!
I'd love some!
Okay, now you do me!
FIRE TRUCKS???

 

by Finley
8-14-04
Ohhh maaaaan...
What the h--
Samantha?
"Samantha" has got to go.
So anyway...
Well, I better be going.

 

by Finley
8-14-04
THIRD FLOOR
TWENTY-NINTH FLOOR
ZERO FLOOR
I'M IN HELL!!!

 

by Finley
8-14-04
Unpacking groceries, telling time by looking at a chicken poop. And you?
Oh, there are lots of things I miss about being Catholic.
Like the food! Like um...
What are you trying to prove?

 

by Finley
11-16-04
That shark done fucked you up.
Hmmm.
Like he be all up in your arm socket and shit.
Yes, so it would seem.
Sea-Pimp456: "Yo yo, today I totally talked with the armless dude. Damn fucking shit-ass shark be gnawing on this cat's arm like it be made of fatherfucking sugar."

 

by Finley
11-16-04
Ok, stick it in there.
THIS IS THE POLICE!!!
Right into my vagina.
THE GOOFY POLICE!!! *HONK HOOOOOONK* DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO!!!!
Here, let me demonstrate.

 

by Finley
4-04-05
Doug, please don't do that here.
It's all good. No one can see me.
Uh, sure, okay!
Turn around and continue to watch me jerk off.

 

by Finley
5-17-05
So anyway, that's my view on abortion.
I never considered any of that.
Most people don't.
You've given me a lot to think about.
SALIVATING WHOREDEMONS SPOONING CHARRED MAGGOTS FROM YOUR MANGLED FACE!!!!
I'm going to fuck a jar of mayonaisse.

 

by Finley
5-17-05
I'm gonna get you!
Tee hee! EEEEEEKKK!!!!
Uh oh! Now look what's happening! Who's gonna get me? Who???
ME!!!!! GRRRRRR!!!! Pffftt.... HEE HEE HEE!!!
Dude, I think I hear your wife.
Hee hee hee... find my pants.

 

by Finley
5-22-05
Hell me and m' cowboy buddies we go a-ridin' right into the sun! I wanna make sweet love to m' lady every single night around six p.m.! Ah baby you know you gots to get yo booty-butt bouncin' on...
...the apple slappin' rappin' of the groovy-schmoovy movie, uh huh!!!
Take a lesson from my pants, and get me out on the dance...
FLOOR!!!
Yeah all m' baby needs is bacon bits and honey bees! She be gettin' right down on her knees to pray for Satan's sympathy!
And all the skirts with the lip gloss wantin' der carbonated monkey sauce!

 

by Finley
5-22-05
Holy shit, there's an Asian blocking the deli counter.
RAGH BLARGGGHHHH!!!!!!
I'll tell the manager! Zip I go!
MANAGERTHGH!!! GRRR BLACGHA BLABLUURGGGAAAGHH!!!!
SHE HEARD ME!
BLARGFKLE!!!

 

by Finley
6-02-05
So this is Dog Heaven.
YOU ARE ACTUALLY IN GERBIL HELL MY GOOD MAN! GERBIL HELL.
This place rocks.
GERBIL HELL, EVERYBODY! GERBIL HELL.
Oh fuck, now I'm retarded.
Such will be your curse... (in Gerbil Hell).

 

by Finley
6-02-05
Dude, stop.
Ehhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
Quit staring at me!
Forgot my sandles.

 

by Finley
6-02-05
Is that where you keep your cowboy wiener?
*sniff*
They're talkin' rain.

 

by Finley
6-02-05
So then I ran out of shampoo, got locked out of the house, picked up by a Greek truck driver, and finally had to learn karate before purchasing a leather kit. Yourself?
Oh, you know.
Is that your Mazda parked out front?
Yeah.
Do you want to make out?
I don't remember.

 

by Finley
6-02-05
And then there was blood everywhere.
Right.
So we finished eating and my grandparents had "Divorce Sex" on the table as the rest of the family cleared it.
*yawn* Huh.
It was just a weird Easter.
I think that was the phone.

 

by Finley
6-02-05
That bull ripped my testicles from my scrotum six minutes ago and I'm still in shock.
Hup! Hey! Look at him go!

 

by Finley
6-02-05
ERRRRRGGGHHH!!!!!!
Not now.
ERRRRGGGHHH.
Get some firewood.
RAMBO BAMBO!!!
See where your pride got you.

 

by Finley
1-10-06
Dude, it was really great being your conjoined twin.
GOGGLE MOGGLE!!!
I had some reservations about you performing the operation, but you did great. Whoa, still bleeding here.
FAR TOWN!!! ME GET FAR OFF THE TOWN NOW!!! WHOA SUNNY APPLE TIME? MAKE GO NOW!! ME SAY MAKE YOU TALLER! WE GET OKAY NOW! PUT ON A ONION COAT!
Did I get the whole brain?
HOPPING THERE, TOO!!!

 

by Finley
1-10-06
Well now, how about...
...this? Oh shit.
I ninja-ed our TV to catch fire.

 

by Finley
1-10-06
Just start doing things to me.
Damn.
Am I making you nervous? I'm nervous too.
Okay, I got the caulking gun. Bend over.
You pine for the day and when it's finally here you can't believe it!
Okay, Trevor, focus. This is your chance to show the world what you're made of.

 

by Finley
1-10-06
Pray! pray like a fucking Christian!
Hey there, Christian Owl.
Ahhhrrgghh. Ngggghh. Grrgghhh. Aaaaaargh! Pray hard, fucker!
Church and state, my friend.
I once prayed so hard feces backed up into my skull.
I envy the ignorant.

 

by Finley
1-10-06
I'm glad you decided to apply for this job.
Please, tell me your name.
Jerry left. Jerry never leaves. You just fucked up, Captain Fuck Up.
Please watch this short film. You can masturbate to the sound of my voice as you watch it, but not to the original soundtrack. That is forbidden.

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