All comics by Humpenstein

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by Humpenstein
8-22-06
When he's done doing whatever hes doing boy am I gonna make him feel dumb!

 

by Humpenstein
8-23-06
You're ready for this right?
ya im redy ive had sex whit lik a million suprmodles b4.
u no i beet mikel jordan in a dunkeen conetes

 

by Humpenstein
9-03-06
If you're walking down the street.
And an obese guy named Earl walks up to you and asks you if you're from "Fagland."
Then you're probably in Chester.

 

by Humpenstein
9-03-06
If you overhear a conversation in a resteraunt.
And one mother is bragging to another about how her son got a 3.0 GPA and graduated as Valedictorian.
Then you're probably in Chester.

 

by Humpenstein
9-03-06
If you're in the check-out line in a grocery store.
And a guy in front of you, named Chester Jr., tells you how is "Grandpappy built the town by himself with hardwork and bricks."
You're probably in Chester.

 

by Humpenstein
9-03-06
When you're ordering food at the "Log chopper."
And the guy who works their informs you you're wearing a tie-dye shirt, and then reminds you that it isn't halloween.
Then you know you're in Chester.

 

by Humpenstein
9-03-06
When you go to the local highschool football game.
And the team is called "The Volcanoes", and their mascot is a big rock at the end of the field.
Then you slowly realize there is no place less educated than Chester.

 

by Humpenstein
9-03-06
When you're walking down the street.
And you see Chuck Mothafuckin' Norris walking out of the bowling alley.
Then you truly are in Chester.

 

by Humpenstein
9-10-06
Hey?
You want to go stop making comics?

 

You must be mothafuckin' kidding me.
by Humpenstein, 9-10-06

 

by Humpenstein
9-16-06
Today I applied for a job.
He told me to get a hair cut; I told him to suck my dick.
I start Monday.

 

by Humpenstein
9-16-06
My friends mom asked me why I don't support bush.
She thought all Jewish people were republican.
I told her the last time my people followed a bush we wound up in the desert for 40 years. We learned our lesson the easy way apparently.

 

by Humpenstein
9-16-06
A man went to a party.
He met a woman that had lots of interesting things to say.
That was the joke.

 

by Humpenstein
9-17-06
Dear citizen,
Ever wonder what life would be like if you weren't such a little bitch.
Think about it, you might even get some pussy when you're done you little bitch ass hoe. <3 Marine Corps

 

by Humpenstein
9-18-06
I was in class today.
The girl next to me wrote "Do you want me?" on my paper.
I wrote "Do you want AIDS" on hers.

 

by Humpenstein
9-18-06
I was trying to teach my friend how to whistle today.
She said she didn't know how to blow the right way.
I begged to differ.

 

by Humpenstein
9-19-06
I was talking to my friend today.
He told me how he thinks that all retarded people are actually animals that the government created to take over the world.
That's a true story.

 

by Humpenstein
9-19-06
I was sleeping in class today.
My teacher woke me up and asked me how I plan on becoming successful through sleeping.
An hour later I had an A.

 

by Humpenstein
9-24-06
My mom called me fat yesterday.
Then she bought me an extremely oversized t-shirt to illustrate her point.
So I bought her an extremely oversized tampon to illustrate mine.

 

by Humpenstein
10-05-06
I was talking to my doctor a couple days ago.
He said that after head trauma as serious as mine hallucinations aren't uncommon at all.
Nope, not uncommon at all. Wanna go dance?
Hell yes I do!

 

by Humpenstein
10-07-06
Hi?
Welcome to the Intensive Care Unit; I'm the doctor that was assigned to make you feel good about what just happened.
What did just happen?
You just woke up in the Intensive care unit after getting hit by a speeding truck.
My goal is to make your CONcussion feel more like a FUNcussion.

 

by Humpenstein
10-17-06
Dear Josh,
I know me and you aren't friends, and that I haven't talked to you in years, but I heard what happened and...

 

by Humpenstein
10-18-06
One day at the bar...
So I says, "Well them high-class strippers ain't gonna penetrate themselves."
Ha, ha.
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by Humpenstein
10-30-06
What does "rubberchix" mean to you?

 

by Humpenstein
11-08-06
What are you always thinking about?
How hard I fucked your sister.
More like YOUR sister.
He's good.

 

I'm 18.
by Humpenstein, 11-19-06

 

by Humpenstein
12-03-06
Praise Allah?!?

 

by Humpenstein
1-22-07
So how was your date last night?
Me and her had crazy sex all night long, she told me she could hardly breathe because of how brutal a pounding she was taking.
The previous night...
I came.
You didn't have sex did you?
No, but I got close this time.

 

by Humpenstein
4-30-07
So where's the party at?
Lemme check the directions...
All they say is "All roads lead to Oz."
I bet Oz has an immigration problem.

 

by Humpenstein
5-14-07
Hey man, do you mind telling me why my mom was over here earlier today looking for you?
Was she really?
Damn...
I'm good!

 

by Humpenstein
5-31-07
First rule of English: Mr. Hartley is always right.
I thought the first rule of English was never to refer to yourself in third person.

 

Do you know why I pulled you over?
Do you know the odds of escaping a pursuing police police officer in a high-speed automobile chase?
by Humpenstein, 6-07-07

 

You been drinking tonight?
Nes, Yo, No. Fuck!
by Humpenstein, 6-07-07

 

You sure you haven't been drinking?
No! Hahahaha, couldn't trick me this time!
by Humpenstein, 6-07-07

 

Lot's of alcohol tonight?
No sir, Mr. Alcohol sir, I didn't drink any officer tonight.
by Humpenstein, 6-07-07

 

If you can't pass the sobriety test you're going to have to come with me down to the station.
Ten bucks says I could shoot you with my gun before you could draw yours.
by Humpenstein, 6-07-07

 

After a long night of sobriety tests...
I'd like you to say every other letter of the alphabet in sign language while standing on one foot and whistling "Take me out to the ball game."
by Humpenstein, 6-07-07

 

Utterly amazing... You passed every test.
That's the same exact thing the nurse said at the STD clinic.
by Humpenstein, 6-07-07

 

Well, I guess I'll just have to leave you with a warning then.
That's great news, because the 12-pack in the back was getting warm. Want a doughnut?
by Humpenstein, 6-07-07

 

by Humpenstein
6-22-07
I hate gay people!
You must hate yourself then!
You fucking queer-ass, homo, fag, dick-sucker, cock-sucker, penis-breathed bitch!
I'm gay.

 

by Humpenstein
6-22-07
Fuck you.
More like: fuck me.

 

by Humpenstein
8-04-07
Ave chyou ever hwonderrred if people can supporrrrrt themelves?
I aven't.
Hwherrre I'm frrrom nobody supporrrts themselves!

 

by Humpenstein
8-04-07
The other day I was talking to this girl.
She said, "Querre un fiesta grande sin tu pero querre invitar todos de su amigos."
I said fuck you.

 

by Humpenstein
9-11-07
A car was speeding in the school parking lot the other day and ran over a kid.
But the kid's death wasn't in vain.
He made a great speed bump for the rest of the day.

 

by Humpenstein
9-26-07
Jonathan Karsh needs an ass wax.
Why does Johnathon Karsh need an ass wax?
One google search later...
Ohhhhhhhhh!

 

by Humpenstein
10-11-07
Three cowboys were standing around a campfire each wanting to prove they were the best cowboy.
Once in the Corrals I wreslted down a bull that had gored 6 other cowboys with my bare hands.
Once I was walking and a 15 foot long rattler came winding up and before he could bite me I bit off his head and slurped down his poison.
The third cowby remained silent, slowly sturring the coals with his penis.

 

by Humpenstein
12-24-07
What the hell are you?
I'm the living embodiment of all Chuck Norris jokes.
So if you're a joke you're funny right?

 

by Humpenstein
7-09-08
One day on the voyager...
Quick spock! Go into the engine room and rotate the rotor turbines, the gravitrons must be generated in order for the force field to operate.
Yes, captain.
What the fuck are they talking about?

 

by Humpenstein
10-28-08
How was your Halloween?
Don't want to talk about it.

 

by Humpenstein
10-29-08
What the hell happened last night?
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

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