All comics by KungChiFu

Profile

 

by KungChiFu
7-17-03
During his recent corporate speaking tour, management trainer Dread Pirate Roberts demonstrated techniques to keep employees motivated in these times of "economic slowdown".
As ye can see, it's all in yer wrist, ar. Once ye've got their skins off, they're much easier to manage.
Can I have my liver back?

 

by KungChiFu
7-21-03
l337 3xpL4In47i0n oF n37 p0rN...
5urfn 0n 7#3 n37...
u c4N fInd 8i6 7I77y c#Ick5
u j\/57 c4n't f\/ck 7#3m.

 

by KungChiFu
7-25-03
Back in Iraq...
Didja hear we got Uday and Qusay Hussein the other day? Some people don't believe it though.
So we released photos of their dead bodies. That didn't work, so we released video of their bodies.
I am SO there, dude!
If that doesn't work, we're going to stick their heads on poles, and tour them around the country.

 

by KungChiFu
7-25-03
If he came yesterday and we weren't here you may be sure he won't come again today.
But you say we were here yesterday.
I may be mistaken. Let's stop talking for a minute, do you mind?
=sigh.=
Fucking Godot. Fucking Beckett. Fuck.

 

by KungChiFu
7-29-03
Something brilliant,
and hilarious,
& kick my butt.
heeee-YAH!

 

by KungChiFu
8-07-03
Summer in Baghdad...
Hey dude, wanna go listen to my new CD I got through the Stripcreator CD swap?
Naw, man, I gotta stay here.
Today's grenade attack is late and somebody's got to be here when the suicide bomber shows up.
Gotta keep the streak alive, man.

 

by KungChiFu
8-12-03
All right, this didn't seem to stick the last time I created a world so listen up.
Attention all pre-evolutionary microscopic building blocks of life on this planet:
First... thou shalt not kill.

 

by KungChiFu
8-12-03
That's right, you amoebas and whatnot. Thou shalt not kill.
I mean, obviously, when you evolve into higher life forms, you'll need to kill.
But not, like, for other reasons.

 

by KungChiFu
8-12-03
So no killing for now. Just, like, do your cellular mitosis and stuff.
And I'll get back to you when you are more smart.
I mean, what's so complicated about this stuff, anyway?

 

by KungChiFu
8-12-03
And while I'm on the subject of "thou shalt nots":
No stealing.
Except, you know, when you need to, like, mingle DNA and stuff to evolve.

 

by KungChiFu
8-12-03
We'll get to "Thou shalt not commit adultery" and shit later.
Like after you become multi-cellular lifeforms.
With opposable thumbs. And sex parts.

 

by KungChiFu
8-12-03
Likewise, we'll get to "thou shalt not covet" when you evolve a culture.
Or at least an economy.
You'll find that they aren't neccessarily mutually inclusive.

 

by KungChiFu
8-12-03
"Thou shalt not lie" will require ethics.
Which is a difficult concept for a microbe.
So let's hold off on that.

 

by KungChiFu
8-12-03
Oh. And no saying my name in vain.
You do it as much as the last planet, and there's gonna be a flood.
I'm not kidding.

 

by KungChiFu
8-12-03
Now listen to this. I am God, understand?
No other gods for you as you evolve, get me?
Or I will SO kick ass.

 

by KungChiFu
8-12-03
So, to sum up. I'm God, no killing, no stealing.
We'll get to the rest of the list later.
You may now return to your biological imperatives.

 

by KungChiFu
8-12-03
Baghdad...
Are you Saddam?
No.
Have you seen Saddam?
No.
Poop.
Keep trying, dude.

 

by KungChiFu
8-13-03
Baghdad, Tikrit, etc. ...
How many today?
Just 1.
What does that bring the total to?
268. And counting.
I'm gonna need more flowers.
Yep.

 

by KungChiFu
8-13-03
Did you know we're engaged in something called "Operation Ivory Lightning"?
No, why?
Well, apparently that's the name of all these raids and stuff we're doing, trying to catch Saddam.
So?
Well, the acronym for the operation is "OIL".
The war is being run by freakin' GENIUSES, dude! Talk about winning hearts and minds!!

 

by KungChiFu
8-14-03
Iraq...
Wait. It says here it's "Operation Ivy Lightning".
Not "Operation Ivory Lightning".
Still a stupid name, though.
Yeah.

 

by KungChiFu
8-14-03
Baghdad...
Says here that in a Baghdad suburb, a US helicopter knocked down a large religious banner while attempting to photograph it.
A riot broke out, an four Iraquis were injured when soldiers started shooting. One US soldier injured by debris.
I want to go home, dude.

 

by KungChiFu
9-04-03
Baghdad...
You call THIS a war?
Travel back in time with me to 8:16 on the morning of August 6, 1945, in Hiroshima, Japan.
Now THIS... THIS is a war!

 

by KungChiFu
9-08-03
Baghdad... news arrives about Bush's $87 billion credit card application:
"This will take time and require sacrifice. Yet we will do whatever is necessary -- we will spend whatever is necessary -- to achieve this essential victory in the war on terror".
Bush said the world has changed since the war began and there will be "no going back."
So we got that going for us.

 

by KungChiFu
9-08-03
Let's play a new game:
Let's play war, daddy! Look! I'm with Iraqi Special Forces! "I surrender! I surrender!"
You've got to stop downlinking CNN, son.
Camp fire conversations:
What scares you the most, daddy?
Oh... rust, I guess. And maybe hitting end of lifecycle without software support.

 

by KungChiFu
9-08-03
NYAR!! Come back here you little Boy Scout bastard!!
I love coming to the park and watching the entertaining wildlife.
Dammit, MOVE already.

 

by KungChiFu
9-08-03
This is the best you could do?? Koko the Talking Monkey?!
Nipple, apple, crap.
...I'm Mr. Stinky, so sing along, if you smoke to much you'll end up...you know, like, dead!
Woo! Woo!
Next, please.

 

by KungChiFu
9-19-03
Somewhere in Iraq...
What's that noise, dude?
Iraquis dancing in the street.
Why are they dancing in the street?
Three more American GIs were killed in an ambush.
Ok, let's go over this one more time. What are we doing here, again?
Dying entertainingly, evidently.

 

by KungChiFu
9-22-03
Wanna go eat some shit?

 

by KungChiFu
9-25-03
Clango teaches Rube how to measure Crunchy Cheese's pecker.
Just get up close to him, whup his drawers off, and hold your fingers about so far apart...
Like this?
Wrong hand...
oh.
You got it.
I am so happy...

 

by KungChiFu
9-25-03
uNnAmED sitzt auf einer bank und denkt sich nichs böses als ...
hey *narfnarf* ich bin man@work *narfnarf* das sprechende eichhörnchen *narfnarf*
*narfnarf*
What'd I say?

 

by KungChiFu
9-30-03
A series of unlikely explanations:
Nipple. Apple. Crap.
How do you spell 'absinth'?

 

by KungChiFu
9-30-03
It was like that when I got here:
It's true... absinth DOES make the heart grow fonder.

 

by KungChiFu
10-10-03
Hey, wanna hear a joke I heard?
Alright
Why did the dwarf cross the road?
Hmmn...
No! To keep his pants up! Wait. No. Let me start again...
Suicidal impulse.

 

by KungChiFu
10-21-03
KUSA news... early edition...
101 American deaths later, the war in Iraq continues after the President's declaration that major hostilities were over. Here with a commentary is Randall Jarrell.
"From my mother's sleep I fell into the State, And I hunched in its belly till my wet fur froze. Six miles from earth, loosed from its dream of life, I woke to black flak and the nightmare fighters."
"When I died they washed me out of the turret with a hose."
And after the break: Ben and J.Lo- what's up with that?

 

by KungChiFu
10-24-03
McDonalds:
Hey, Tommy, how's it going. How are the new products doing? Is anybody ordering the scotchvanilla ice cream?
No. Although several people have said it sounds really nasty.
Hmm. That marketing powerpoint I got from corporate said the focus groups loved it!
How about the tongueburgers? How are they selling?

 

by KungChiFu
10-29-03
Mr. President, how do you respond to continuing criticism that our efforts in Iraq are not effective?
Iraq is a dangerous place. But things are getting better. Schools are opening. Hospitals are opening. It's not as bad as some people think.
Dude, get over here and help me check for survivors.
The president says things are getting better here, and it's not as bad as some people think.

 

by KungChiFu
11-06-03
Iraq...
Dude, they're sending relief troops! 128,000 fresh troops are headed here!
You know, I've been thinking...
We already have over 140,000 of us here, right? And 245 soldiers killed since the "end of the war", right?
See, that's why I don't drive around here, dude.
Thats odds of about 1 in 2500 to get wasted "winning the peace". Or about 3 times more likely than dying in a car wreck.

 

by KungChiFu
11-25-03
Iraq.
It's just not funny anymore.

 

by KungChiFu
11-26-03
Republican National Committee Training Video:
Thank you for your interest in becoming a 21st century Republican!
Over the next few minutes, we will explain what is expected of 21st century Republicans. Please pay careful attention.
First, being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime.
Unless you're a conservative radio host.
Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.

 

by KungChiFu
11-26-03
Republican National Committee Training Video continues:
To be a 21st century Republican, you need to understand this:
The United States should get out of the United Nations.
And also that our highest national priority is enforcing United Nations resolutions against Iraq.
Yeah.

 

by KungChiFu
11-26-03
Republican National Committee Training Video continues:
The 21st century Republican must believe this:
Government should relax regulaton of Big Business and Big Money.
However, government must crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
It's about protecting our kids.

 

by KungChiFu
11-26-03
Republican National Committee Training Video continues:
Regarding "Standing Tall for America":
We hold that "Standing Tall for America" means, among other things, firing all your workers and moving their jobs to India.
Or China. Or Mexico.
Ole'!

 

by KungChiFu
11-26-03
Republican National Committee Training Video continues:
To be a Republican, you must understand that women can't be trusted with making decisions about their bodies.
However, multi-national corporations can be trusted to make decisions that affect all mankind without regulation.
It's a child, not a choice.
Make babies, not waves.

 

by KungChiFu
11-26-03
Republican National Committee Training Video continues:
One thing we Republicans are sure of is this:
Jesus loves you.
And he shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
And foreigners.

 

by KungChiFu
11-26-03
Republican National Committee Training Video continues:
We Republicans have all the answers on military morale.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches.
And then slash veterans' benefits, and combat pay.
Freedom isn't free, y'all.

 

by KungChiFu
11-26-03
Republican National Committee Training Video continues:
To be a Republican, you need to be able to understand strict moral standards of conduct.
For example, group sex and drug use are degenerate sins.
Unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
Grope me any time, Arnie.

 

by KungChiFu
11-26-03
Republican National Committee Training Video continues:
We new Republicans understand that there are no hard problems that can't be handled with simple answers.
For example, take sex education. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
Seriously.
Did YOU have sex as an adolescent? I mean really!

 

by KungChiFu
11-26-03
Republican National Committee Training Video continues:
21st century Republicans understand our role in the world. We're leaders and know how to act like leaders.
We understand that a good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies.
And then ask them for cooperation, money and troops.
Pass the Freedom Fries, please.

 

by KungChiFu
11-26-03
Republican National Committee Training Video continues:
There's been a lot of loose talk about health care reform and things of this nature. But we Republicans know this is simply liberal bias. The problems are clearly overstated.
HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.
Well, they DO.

 

by KungChiFu
11-26-03
Republican National Committee Training Video continues:
Republicans must be flexible and understand the big picture.
For example, providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy.
Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
Commie go home!

Showing page 2.

« Previous Next »