All comics by Slash_Raptor

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by Slash_Raptor
4-29-12
This is why English is one of the hardest languages to learn...
You idiot! I said we should go to a dessert island!
We ARE on a dessert island!
No, this is a DESERT island!
Exactly! So why are you angry with me?

 

by Slash_Raptor
10-05-12
And in other news, Justin Bieber's killer is in London today to be knighted by the Queen.
That's not surprising, Hank, he's a real hero.
Our sources tell us that Justin's parents paid the killer $1,000,000 to show their undying gratitude.
Which, the killer says he plans to use to take down the Church of Scientology.
Two minutes later...
This just in, Justin Bieber's killer has been tragically mauled to death by a horde of grieving Bieber fans. What a shame...
Remember folks, "Bieber-Fever" is a serious affliction, consult your doctor the minute you start to feel symptoms.

 

by Slash_Raptor
10-05-12
Could I have a job please?
Do you have any experience in programming?
No.
Do you have any references?
No.
You're hired! Come work whenever you feel up to it!

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-16-13
Lead the way to your car and we'll go home and have a little fun..
Ma'am, you're obviously very drunk--
Oh come on! You know I'm better in bed if I'm drunk.
Alright fine... But just so you know, you'll die instantly if I touch you.
In fact, my penis has been useless since the first time I masturbated.
Oh, you're a guy? I thought you were my girlfriend!

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-16-13
Howdy fella! I'm your conscience!
I'm Death, I don't think I'm supposed to have a conscience.
Well, you do!
Any particular reason you've brought me to a morgue?
Oh this? I was kind of hoping I could guilt you into giving me a peanut.
Screw this, I'm waking up...

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-16-13
You're so secretive, Cooper. I can't help but think that you live two lives.
How can you think that? I can only leave the house when we go for walks.
But remember our last walk? I went into the store for groceries and tied you up outside. When I came back, the knot was different and you were tied up to a different post.
Well, I didn't go anywhere... Maybe you have dementia or something.
Where Cooper went that day...
How many times do I have to tell you!? You're supposed to display them by strength, not alphabetically!
Oh, like it really matters!

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-16-13
You're so secretive, Cooper. I can't help but think that you live two lives.
How can you think that? I can only leave the house when we go for walks.
But remember our last walk? I went into the store for groceries and tied you up outside. When I came back, the knot was different and you were tied up to a different post.
Well, I didn't go anywhere... Maybe you have dementia or something.
Where Cooper went that day...
Cooper, glad I caught you! I need all these papers sorted before you head home today.
Don't bite him, don't bie him, I need this job to buy the new iBone...

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-03-14
So, are you going to the bonfire tonight?
No, and neither are you.
Why not?
We live underwater.
What does that have to do with anything?
You idiot...

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-03-14
You want to hear a dirty joke? A guy falls into a huge mud puddle.
If you ask me, he should clean up his act.
Boo!
What's dirty about that?

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-05-14
Where have you been this last week?
My little brother got caught, remember?
No.
You were at the funeral!
What's a funeral?

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-06-14
It looks like you're trying to build something. Would you like some help with that?
We didn't need you Microsoft Word and we still don't need you now.
Did I mention I can transform?

 

Beehave!
No, YOU beehave!
by Slash_Raptor, 3-06-14

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-07-14
This handsome fella over here, is my brother.
Why can't he talk?
It's only a statue. But if it was still alive, he'd be my brother...
Yeah, and you two would've been born about 66 million years apart.

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-11-14
What's wrong?
I've been retired for almost two years. When are you going to stop following me?
Don't you enjoy having company?
Sure, I guess.
I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful new friendship.
I didn't say I enjoyed having YOUR company.

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-12-14
You wouldn't happen to know how my fish died, would you?
Because you didn't feed it.
So, you can put the gun away now,
You used to be a killer. Don't hate me for being cautious.
Then I'll hate you for something else.

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-13-14
Do you know anything about telepathy?
Darn.
Stop staring at me.

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-13-14
I'm looking for my bone, have you seen it?
Isn't it in your mouth?
No, this is someone else's bone...
Was it something I said?

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-13-14
Everything I touch dies!
What if you touch someone that's already dead?
I've honestly never tried it, hold still...
It's a miracle! I'm alive!
Not for long, I hate clowns, I need to touch you again!

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-25-14
You're so secretive, Cooper. I can't help but feel like there's much more to you than you'd have me believe.
I can only leave the house when we go for walks.
Take our last walk for exaple. I had tied you up outside the store, but when I came back, you were tied to a different post.
Well, I didn't go anywhere. Maybe you have dementia or something?
Where Cooper went that day...
How many times do I have to tell you!? Display them by strength, not alphabetically!
Oh, like it really matters!

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-25-14
Don't freak out, but I think I'm being followed by a monster.
Is it big and green with tentacles?
Yeah, how did you know?
Because I can see it behind you.
By any chance, does he look friendly?

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-26-14
How's it going?
I got a postcard from Red in the mail yesterday.
He's on vacation?
No, he just hasn't stopped running away from the monster yet.
But the monster was just sighted two days ago...
I know that, and you know that, but let's make sure Red doesn't know that for a while...

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-26-14
Hello.
Holy crap! You're the monster!
Just because I look like a monster, doesn't mean I am one! You fish are so prejudicial!
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insult you--
Too late! Talk to the tentacle cause the face don't want to hear it!
Great, sensitive AND immature...

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-26-14
You're apologizing to me!?
Yeah, I think we may have gotten off on the wrong foot.
So, what do you say? Do you think we can be friends?
Wait a minute... Fish don't even have feet!
You seem to be missing the point.

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-26-14
So, has the 'onstermay' been bothering you lately?
What's an onstermay?
It's pig latin.
What's pig latin?
Nevermind...
Aitway! I asway ustjay iddingkay!

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-26-14
What do you mean you don't have any houses that could suit my needs!?
You're supposed to be the best realtor in the area!
I AM the best realtor in the area. I've got a lovely bachelor pad on my back as we speak!
You expect me to live in a shell? I couldn't fit in there if I wanted to!
What if I lower the price by an extra ten percent?

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-26-14
I don't get it! Interpretive art is such a ripoff!

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-26-14
What are you doing here, Cooper?
You mean to say that I can't visit my owner at work?
I've been for months, but you've never visited me before.
Fine I'll drop the act... I'm hungry.
Then go eat your dog food!
We're all out. Are the hot dogs made with real dogs?

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-26-14
Why should I let you join my evil ranks as a minion?
Because I can burst into flames whenever I want!
Alright, show me.
Hhrrnngg!
Well?
Apparently my powers don't work underwater.

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-26-14
Wanna hear a dirty joke? A school of fish swim into an oil spill.
BOO!
YOU SUCK!
Oil spills are clean in comparison to his act.
GET OFF THE STAGE!

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-26-14
Where have you been lately?
My little brother was caught by a fisherman, don't you remember?
No.
You were at his funeral!
What's a funeral?
Keep it up and you'll need one.

 

Why are you always so negative?
What are you talking about?
by Slash_Raptor, 3-26-14

 

This comic only doesn't make sense because I can't recolour any of the pictures. To see this comic with the special punchline, check out my Twitter page. I have the same username there as I do here.
Why are you always so negative?
What are you talking about?
by Slash_Raptor, 3-26-14

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-26-14
Why doesn't it bother you that I'm the Grim Reaper?
I have no soul.
No soul?
Yup.
Well, I better get back to work.
Good idea.

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-26-14
Grim, you've earned yourself a handshake.
I don't think that's a very good idea.
Nonsense! Thanks to you we managed to close the deal with the Hertzing Company.
I think I forgot to feed my goldfish!
Oh... Why doesn't anyone want to be my friend?
I'll take that handshake if the offer is still good.

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-27-14
What brings you here, Grim?
According to my chart, one of your crew members will die very soon.
Which crew member is it, though?
During your next mission, someone named "Red Shirt" will get vaporized.
Several minutes later...
YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!
That's very true.

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-27-14
What brings you here, Grim?
According to my chart, one of your crew members will die very soon.
Which crew member is it, though?
During your next mission, someone named "Red Shirt" will get vaporized.
Several minutes later...
YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!
That's very true.

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-27-14
What brings you here, Grim?
According to my chart, one of your crew members will die very soon.
Which crew member is it, though?
During your next mission, someone named "Red Shirt" will get vaporized.
Several minutes later...
YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!
That's very true.

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-27-14
What brings you here, Grim?
According to my chart, one of your crew members will die very soon.
Which crew member is it, though?
During your next mission, someone named "Red Shirt" will get vaporized.
Several minutes later...
YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!
That's very true.

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-27-14
What brings you here, Grim?
According to my chart, one of your crew members will die very soon.
Which crew member is it, though?
During your next mission, someone named "Red Shirt" will get vaporized.
Several minutes later...
YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!
That's very true.

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-27-14
What brings you here, Grim?
According to my chart, one of your crew members will die very soon.
Which crew member is it, though?
During your next mission, someone named "Red Shirt" will get vaporized.
Several minutes later...
YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!
That's very true.

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-27-14
What brings you here, Grim?
According to my chart, one of your crew members will die very soon.
Which crew member is it, though?
During your next mission, someone named "Red Shirt" will get vaporized.
Several minutes later...
YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!
That's very true.

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-27-14
What brings you here, Grim?
According to my chart, one of your crew members will die very soon.
Which crew member is it, though?
During your next mission, someone named "Red Shirt" will get vaporized.
Several minutes later...
YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!
That's very true.

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-27-14
What brings you here, Grim?
According to my chart, one of your crew members will die very soon.
Which crew member is it, though?
During your next mission, someone named "Red Shirt" will get vaporized.
Several minutes later...
YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!
That's very true.

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-27-14
What brings you here, Grim?
According to my chart, one of your crew members will die very soon.
Which crew member is it, though?
During your next mission, someone named "Red Shirt" will get vaporized.
Several minutes later...
YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!
That's very true.

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-27-14
What brings you here, Grim?
According to my chart, one of your crew members will die very soon.
Which crew member is it, though?
During your next mission, someone named "Red Shirt" will get vaporized.
Several minutes later...
YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!
That's very true.

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-27-14
Did you have any other pets before Cooper?
Well...
FLASHBACK!
Okay, fine, I won't take you to the vet!
Needless to say. I think I'm more of a dog person.
Your phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I ate it.

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-27-14
Cool costume.
This isn't a costume.
BUT THIS IS!
Who was that guy?
No idea, but I'm strongly tempted to tap him on the shoulder...

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-27-14
Shall we go to your place or mine?
Lady, you're obviously very drunk--
I know. I'm better in bed this way.
I don't even have a penis!
That works for me, I'm a lesbian.
This won't end well.

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-27-14
Howdy fella! I'm your conscience!
I have a conscience?
Yuppers. And, as your conscience, I demand that you feed me an acorn!
Where do you expect me to get an acorn?
I dunno. I didn't think I'd get this far.
Screw this, I'm waking up.

 

by Slash_Raptor
3-27-14
How long have you worked in files and records?
25 years.
And how long have your hands been missing?
24 years.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'd rather have no hands than papercuts.
You're a deeply disturbed person.

Showing page 2.

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