All comics by akshatkum

 

by akshatkum
7-02-11
I guess one can judge changes in your workload by the number of e-mail forwards that you send!
Those are not changes in workload...
Those are aberrations in proclivity

 

by akshatkum
8-18-11
Did you hear about the new Recession Insurance Premium component in our salary packages?
97.23% of the salary gets deducted as premium every month
Which will be fully paid if they chuck you out

 

by akshatkum
8-24-11
My date yesterday didn't go well
Her sense of humour is very different from mine
We are jokes apart

 

by akshatkum
8-30-11
HR has just installed a new Performance Management system called Systemically Co-ordinated Referencing & Evaluation of Work (SCREW)
It randomly generates your key job responsibilities, breaks them down into several meaningless units, and automatically demands one completion every week
I have had that one since a long time. Its called a Boss.

 

by akshatkum
9-03-11
I read today that new software has been developed which can predict when an employee will quit
Do they really need a machine to tell them this?
Unfortunately, we live in a world with natural stupidity & artificial intelligence...

 

Before the recession started, I used to think that the pink slip was some naughty office fantasy...
by akshatkum, 9-12-11

 

by akshatkum
9-12-11
Lesson Number (X + 6)
Create smaller redundant projects around the actual one & do them so badly that your Boss exhausts all his criticism
It's called the Flotilla Approach

 

by akshatkum
9-12-11
MBAs contribute substantially to society. Apple loves Open Source. There are no terrorists in Pakistan
Client meeting?
How did you guess?
Just got lucky...

 

by akshatkum
9-24-11
Taking a cue from the Medical profession, MBAs have come out with a pledge of professional behaviour
It's called the Hypocrites Oath

 

by akshatkum
10-02-11
I don't think its fair to say that one can't argue constructively with girls
You just need to keep two things in mind
Either they are right, or they are right

 

by akshatkum
10-02-11
Why is it that the new guy got recruited at twice my salary? It's so unfair!
It's the Laws of Economics. It's all about marginal costs
i.e. you are marginal, and you are a cost...

 

by akshatkum
10-03-11
I saw you staring at that cute girl from Legal at lunch today
It's not staring
It's initiation of interaction through ocular non-verbal communication

 

by akshatkum
10-10-11
There are those times, when everything around just comes to a halt, and you are forced to wonder: Is it really worth it?
And as always, watch the question evaporate into nothingness around a congregation of sarcastically silent colleagues...

 

by akshatkum
10-14-11
I hear we won't be getting any raises this year even though we made record profits
It's Retained Earnings for them, & Retained Yearnings for us

 

by akshatkum
11-17-11
A day must come when ordinary men like us rise beyond petty considerations of money, job security and standard of living
When we seek redemption in the greater good & the triumph of the human spirit
Yep, thank God its Friday!

 

by akshatkum
12-14-11
You know, I have been thinking. In today's times, there's a need for professional friends
A paid service, where you can share and discuss stuff, without the tension & baggage of having to maintain relationships
I think it's a great idea! I should work on this!
The rise of Emotional Prostitution...

 

by akshatkum
1-06-12
To motivate employees, HR has come up with a computerized mascot called Coochie Coo
It can be personalized
I have set mine to go awww when I get an Employee of the Hour award

 

by akshatkum
2-23-12
I need a good excuse to avoid the stupid office picnic tomorrow
How about work?

 

by akshatkum
6-12-12
My company allows me to work from home
After office hours...

 

by akshatkum
6-16-12
I figured out why they call it the moment of truth
It's because truth lasts only for a moment!

 

by akshatkum
6-19-12
Why is it that every organization looks for bright, talented, exceptional individuals...
And then fits them into a bell curve?

 

by akshatkum
6-23-12
I seemed to be in office, but a hazy mist swirled before my eyes as I struggled to distinguish the fearsome forms around me, blurred inhuman and abhorrent...
What happened? Did you have some terrible dream?
No, actually, I broke my coffee mug

 

I heard the police has declared all maternity wards to be immoral, because they house many topless girls...
by akshatkum, 6-23-12

 

by akshatkum
7-02-12
The new HR head is an ex Investment Banker
He's come up with a concept called Call Option Promotions
The Boss has the right, but not the obligation, to promote the employee next year if his performance is above the strike performance value

 

by akshatkum
8-16-12
These days marketers have come up with a concept called repulsive advertising
The ads are so disgusting, you will buy the brand just to show it can do better!

 

And in other news, protests over the violence over the protests over the violence over the protests...
by akshatkum, 8-16-12

 

by akshatkum
5-13-13
You know, I realized there's more to life than work
Yup. There's more work.

 

by akshatkum
5-14-13
There's a meeting today to approve the agenda for tomorrow's meeting
What is tomorrow's meeting for?
To approve the decisions taken in today's meeting
Now that's Corporate circular reference...

 

by akshatkum
5-17-13
Management gurus say that one should retain only one's core competencies and outsource the rest
Which is why I retain the credit and outsource the work to you

 

These days, a man is known by the company that keeps him...
by akshatkum, 5-18-13

 

by akshatkum
5-19-13
The secret of my happiness is that I live in complete harmony with nature
My own nature, that is

 

by akshatkum
12-06-14
Since the CEO's term is about to end soon, he's focusing only on succession planning now
So that means he's trying to identify a leader who can take the company forward?
No, it means he's planning for another term in succession

 

by akshatkum
12-16-14
I finally gathered some courage & asked the Boss for a raise
That's great. Did it work?
In a way
Now he's made me sit on the 10th floor instead of the 6th

 

by akshatkum
11-20-15
The company is in cost-cutting mode right now
Which means they will be distributing iPads to senior management very soon

 

by akshatkum
11-26-15
Sir, I earnestly think in today's business environment, making ppts is a redundant exercise which doesn't benefit anyone
That's a great thought!
Why don't you prepare a ppt on it and discuss with me first thing tomorrow?

 

by akshatkum
11-16-16
So, how are you handling the demonetisation?
What's that
Well...it's a situation where people often don't have enough cash to meet their daily needs
Ohh...
I thought that was called life!

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