All comics by batFucker

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by batFucker
4-10-17
Moved to a new house the other day. Was trying to get to know my neighbor. Pretty clear the dude hates legal stuff.
Everything was going pretty well until I had to mention Megan's Law.
Only got more awkward after he noticed my erection.

 

by batFucker
4-10-17
Well. I shit my pants the other day.
I was in Target buying some new shoes. It was taking way longer than I expected. Customers noticed and actually complained to management.
Probably shoulda changed before heading out.

 

by batFucker
4-10-17
I had to go to the doctor the other day. Had a horrible rash. Felt like my skin was on fire. Burned. Itched. Fucked up man.
Sounds awful. What'd the doc say?
He said it was due to not properly cleaning shit off my skin. Guess that letting shit dry on your skin can cause irritation.
Dude.
Worst part is that I have to let it heal so I can't beat off for the next couple weeks.

 

by batFucker
4-10-17
Was out jogging last night and these kids started giving my a hard time.
Guess I looked a bit weird jogging in that trench coat.
Especially since that was the only thing I was wearing.

 

by batFucker
4-10-17
My grandma called me depraved last week.
Been thinking about that quite a bit lately.
Especially while beating off.

 

by batFucker
4-10-17
This one time I was snooping in my parent's bedroom and I found their sex tape. I didn't know what it was. Popped it in the VCR and started watching. Right then my dad walks in. So embarrassing.
Especially since I was masturbating.
That was probably the worst thing that happened to me last week.

 

by batFucker
5-03-17
Got in trouble with the cops again the other day. Sucks. Now I gotta go back to court. Judge is gonna shit all over me. Guess I shouldn't have huffed all that paint.
Especially in line at Target.
Naked.

 

by batFucker
5-03-17
Saw our old fifth grade teacher today.
Oh yeah dude! How crazy! I bumped into her early today too!
I always had a thing for her. Seeing her today. Oh boy. Man. Got me going.
Dude. She's like 80 now.
Oh. Yeah. I mean. Like, Oh boy. It got me going wondering how she's been. You know. Just catching up. Was a trip.
Trip for sure dude. She said she caught some fucking weirdo creeping thorugh her window while she was taking a shit.

 

by batFucker
5-03-17
Was at the graveyard earlier today and had to take a leak pretty bad. So I pissed behind a tree.
My family got all mad. "This is a total disrespect of your grandmother's service," they said.
Guess they had a point. Probably shoulda waited till after I finished the eulogy.

 

by batFucker
5-21-17
My daddy passed away the other day. It was horrible. And he was mad at me when he died too. It was awful. I could tell he was gonna pass soon, so I told him I loved him and gave him a kiss.
Guess I shouldn't have slipped him the tongue.
And stabbin' him all over probably didn't help either.

 

by batFucker
5-21-17
They say the best gift is giving. They say it feels good to make other people happy. So you should always try to give what you can. But you know, there's one thing I've learned you shouldn't give.
Aids.

 

by batFucker
5-24-17
Saw this ad for some bodywash. Showed some dude getting girls like crazy once they smelled his bodywash.
Seriously stupid.
Chloroform works way better.

 

by batFucker
9-26-18
So I shit my pants last week.
Guess I should probably change.

 

by batFucker
9-26-18
Got fired again this week. But it wasn't my fault.
Everyone beats off at work now and then. Seriously. But no one fucking knocks anymore.
Guess maybe that's cuz these cubes got no doors.

 

by batFucker
9-26-18
I hate drama. People talkin' shit. Fuck 'em. So sick of hearing this shirt. "Stop being so selfish." "Stop being so irresponsible."
"Stop molesting my daughter."
Just shut it, mom.

 

by batFucker
9-26-18
Went to the movies last night. Hadn't been in ages. Most movies suck now. No point in going.
Also I was banned from the theater for jerking it.
Didn't think anyone would notice, but I guess there were other people in line.

 

by batFucker
9-26-18
Was on this dating site. Filling out my shit. Tryin' to find a match. But this shit is tough. And at the end of the day, I got no matches.
Maybe that picture of my dog's dick wasn't the best profile pic.
And of course that error I kept getting when searching for 12-year-olds was fucking up my game too.

 

by batFucker
9-26-18
Dude got pissed today cuz I told him his wife was hot.
Turns out it was his daughter.
In my defense, she was a very mature looking 8-year-old.

 

by batFucker
9-26-18
Hit this dog while on my way to work today.
Was driving along and next thing you know there's this dog and two pups trying to cross the road. I swerved hard. Then heard a thud. Turns out I hit the dog. It was awful.
Still can't believe I missed the pups.

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